First Trimester Anxiety

This pregnancy is so different from my first. My first pregnancy started with nausea and heartburn in the middle of week 4. By week 6, all I could eat was potatoes, but I noticed that halfway through week 8 my nausea actually started to ease off a bit. I felt all sorts of stretching and cramping in my uterus from about week 5 until week 7, and then not much of anything. My breasts were sore up until the middle of week 8, and then that stopped. And I was sleepy, so very sleepy, but I still did ok on 7 hours of sleep. My first ultrasound at 7 weeks showed a baby measuring only 6 weeks, 1 day, with a heart rate that was low at 115 and a large yolk sac.

This pregnancy I started with nausea around week 5, but then realized it was heartburn, and was nausea free most of the time until week 8, when it’s really kicked in, despite the heartburn medications. I had lots of cramping and stretching from the time of implantation through week 6, and still have intermittent cramping and round ligament pain on a daily basis. I’ve been physically exhausted, and really only function with 9 hours of sleep. My breasts are just slightly achy, but that hasn’t changed for several weeks. My first ultrasound at 7 weeks showed a baby measuring 6 weeks, 5 days, with a strong heart rate of 148 and a normal sized yolk sac.

I keep focusing on these differences, reminding myself that this time is different, and I really believe that all is going to be well on Monday’s ultrasound. But every time I get really comfortable with that thought, especially when I imagine my baby’s heart beating happily inside me right now, I remember that second ultrasound in May.

I remember seeing the baby appear on the screen and instantly knowing that something was wrong. This baby didn’t look much different than the ultrasound two weeks earlier, and not at all like the 9 week ultrasound pictures I’d seen online. The ultrasound tech moved the probe a bit, was quiet and then she said, “I don’t see anything, do you?” LB and I both responded, “No.” I didn’t need the doctor coming in to tell me that I’d lost my baby, I knew her heart had stopped. And I felt like my heart had stopped along with it.

I wish I could stop remembering that morning in such painful detail, especially when I’m trying to be optimistic for Monday’s scan. Especially when I really do feel optimistic for Monday’s scan. The crazy part – I am so not a worrier! It feels unnatural to me, to be so worried - in fact, if I'd heard myself a year ago I probably would have rolled my eyes and told myself to stop being so crazy.  I guess I should get used to the worry, though, because my heart really isn't my own anymore.