Back in the Stirrups Again!

As soon as I walked into my RE's office, the receptionist greeted me, "Hi Shannon!"  As nice as she is, I never ever wanted to be on a first name basis with my RE's office staff!  At least they're friendly there, I couldn't handle the repeat visits if the staff was unpleasant.   Out of all the possible ultrasound rooms to choose from, the nurse gave me the one where I found out about my miscarriage two months ago.  As as I was sitting with my bare butt on the table, waiting for the tech, I had a moment where I teared up, but the need to cry passed and I was ok.  Freak out #1 avoided.

I've had a big, annoying cyst on my right ovary for over a year.  It just sits there and looks annoying, never producing anything, so doesn't interfere with my cycles.  It bothers me, knowing it's there, and I was hoping it was gone, but it's still there, annoying as ever.  At least there aren't any new cysts around. The ultrasound also showed that I've got 7 happy little antral follicles hanging out, waiting to be my baby.  I usually have about that number, and while I'd like more, I'm happy with 7.   Freak out #2 and #3 dodged as well.

Libby (the nurse) went over my instructions with me (Femara 5mg starting tomorrow, and Gonal-F 150IU starting Sunday) and sent me off to the lab and pharmacy.  She called me a few hours later with my lab results.  My estradiol was 27, so the cyst still isn't doing anything, and I'm good to start my meds.  My FSH didn't make me happy though; at 11.4 it's the highest it's been since I started all this.

Freak out #4 trying to happen, thanks to my FSH level.  I know it's just a number, and I really need to stop thinking about it.  And I'm trying to!  My sleep deprivation from a rough week at work isn't helping much.  I got pregnant just three four months ago with an FSH of 10.6 - 11.4 really isn't that different, it just seems like it is.

Right now I'm at the airport, waiting for a flight to Las Vegas, and looking forward to sleeping the whole way there.  I'm going for a conference, but I'm taking tomorrow to have fun.  I think I'm going to have a spa treatment (maybe something different, like chakra balancing or reflexology, since work made me miss acupuncture this week), a good meal and then I'm going to go see Cirque du Soleil's Love.  My conference is all day Saturday and part of Sunday (11 hours all about the thyroid!) and then I'm heading home.  Hopefully I'll be able to relax and come back rested and calm.

I just realized that I'll have to give myself my first Gonal-F shot on the plane if I stick to the administration time my RE gave me.  I wonder if I'm brave enough to do that in my seat.  The thought of shooting up in the plane's lavatory gives me the heebie-jeebies!

New Cycle

About an hour ago I discovered that AF has made an early arrival.  YAAAAAY!  I thought my cycle was going to be off this month and it was, as today is just CD 25.  Since AF started so late in the evening, my RE considers CD1 to be tomorrow, which is fine with me, because it's CD1 of the cycle that I'm back to trying to conceive!

I'll go in Thursday for my baseline ultrasound, and I'm a little nervous.  Ok, I'm a lot nervous.  What if my antral follicle count has dropped even more?  What if I have a new huge cyst on one of my ovaries and I get sidelined for another month?  What if my ultrasound is in the same room I was in when I found out about my miscarriage, and I have a breakdown?  

What if I calm down, listen to a meditation or two and go to bed instead of freaking out?  

Fertility Meditations

After my second failed IUI, I took a month off from trying to conceive before cycling for IUI #3.  It wasn’t part of my plan, so I was miserable about the delay, and anxious to do something to improve my fertility while I waited. Which is how I found meditations for fertility.

The first one I came across was Kathy Freston’s Visualizing Pregnancy.  It’s about 20 minutes long, and I immediately liked it because she says something near the beginning like, “This isn’t magic, we can’t make something come true, just because we wish for it.”  Not something that we who want to become pregnant want to hear, but true, and I respected her for avoiding the “The Secret”-like mumbo jumbo.  It’s a relaxing 20 minutes, but it is somewhat mystical in nature – you are guided through visualizing God or spirit surrounding you and supporting you as you imagine being pregnant and having a successful pregnancy.  The end result of this meditation is relaxation and at least a few minutes of positive thinking, which has to be a good thing.

I got bored with just one meditation, though, so I tried the Meditations for a Fertile Soul from Anji Online (warning, her website has her talking on it, and I can NOT figure out how to turn her off, so don’t click on the link if you don’t want anyone listening to know your business!)  This is a series of 3 meditations that was created with fertility guru Randine Lewis, and is for at any time in your cycle.  The first one, A New Hope, started off well, (despite the fact that the title brings to mind Jedi warriors instead of fertile ovaries) but it quickly went downhill.  There’s one part where she asks the listener to think of all the negative words she’s used to describe her fertility in the past – and then after a pause she starts offering up examples.  Really horrible, mean and hateful examples!  It felt like she was using all those words to describe what she thought of my fertility and I hated it.  Totally ruined my relaxation.  The other two were better, but did involve visualizing things like golden cords connecting you to the earth and to spirit, and pink misty light healing all the dark places inside.  I liked those parts, but they’re a lot of work, not particularly relaxing and definitely not good for me to listen to right before bed.  And they’re long, almost 30 minutes, so I rarely make time for them.

I also listened to the Medicated Cycle meditation during my third IUI cycle, which I liked because it directs the listener to first visualize the medications working in the first two weeks, and then visualize conception and implantation in the second meditation.  I found myself wishing there were more meditations to listen to, because I did get a little bored with it after a few days, though.

For my next IUI, I decided I needed something new.  I looked around, a found Circle and Bloom.  Their website says their meditations focus on tapping into the mind body connection, and there is a definite difference, at least so far.  I bought their IVF/IUI program, which has a different meditation to listen to every two days, including a special one for trigger day and IUI or ET.  There’re even three mediations to listen to precycle. 

So far, I’ve listened to just the precycle meditations.  The first one is more of an introduction to what the rest are going to be like; it really just establishes the foundation of thinking about a mind body connection.  The next two are more involved, and focus on imagining your reproductive system as being in balance, including focusing on the hypothalamus and pituitary (the two glands that are responsible for hormones like FSH and LH).  Each session begins with a directed relaxation exercise, then goes on to the real meat of the meditation.  There’s less of a focus on God or a higher being in these meditations than the other ones I’ve listened to, which doesn’t matter to me, but some might find they like these more (or less) because of that.  Best of all, they last only 15 minutes, so they’re easy to fit into the day.  I’ve listened to one almost every night for the past few weeks, and I’m really starting to look forward to having something new to listen to soon!  I’ll let you know what I think of the series once I finish it, but so far it seems like Circle and Bloom is the winner (even if her voice does occasionally irritate me).

I don’t know if all the claims on the websites are true.  I don’t know if these meditations actually do anything at all to improve my chances of conceiving.  But it helps me to know that I’m doing something, and gives me some semblance of control in a situation that is really completely out of my control.  And it’s relaxing.  As wound up as I feel lately, anything that relaxes me is a good thing.   

The Best of What's Around

In January of 1993, back when I still believed that I’d be married with 4 kids by the time I was 32, I went with some friends to see a band I’d never heard of – the Dave Matthews Band.  It was a Tuesday night, we were in college and it was just $5 to get in.   By the time the show was over, I was in love – not with the band, but with the bass player, Stefan.  I went back the next Tuesday night, and started to listen to the music.  And realized I loved it, too.  By the end of 1993, my friends and I had seen them almost every single Tuesday night they were in town, and had driven across the state to see them when they weren’t in town. 

We had our usual spot in the front row, right in front of Boyd, the violinist, so while we never actually had any extended conversations with the band, they all knew who we were.  When their first album was released that fall, we went to the CD release party, and the autographed poster from that night (signed with funny things from Dave and a sweet comment from Carter after I told him I’d always wanted to play the drums) is hanging in my office at work today. 

I’ve only seen them about 8 times since 1995, but every time fills me with absolute joy.  I loved the time in my life when they were so important to me, and when I’m at a show, I can close my eyes, hear the music, feel the bass deep in my chest - and for a moment I can experience that same happiness and innocence I had back then. 

They were in my town this week, and Ali and I had tickets – the best tickets I’ve had since 1995!  The seats weren’t fabulous, but I could actually see their faces, and could imagine that they saw me and said to each other after the show, “Did you see that one of our favorite fans from our early days was at the show tonight?” Or more likely, “That stalker girl from Charlottesville is back, did you see her?”  Of course they didn’t play all my favorite songs, but they did play “Lover Lay Down” and “Jimi Thing” so I was happy.  And Branford Marsalis was with them for part of the show, which was so cool!

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve realized that I’m not as recovered from my miscarriage as I thought I was, and in many ways I’ve been an emotional hot mess.  My evening with Dave was wonderful therapy – I just wish I could follow them around for a few more shows.    

When I step into the light

My arms are open wide

When I step into the light

My eyes searching wildly

Would you not like to be

Sitting on top of the world with

Your legs hanging free

Would you not like to be ok?

When I'm walking by the water

Splish splash me and you takin a bath

When I'm walking by the water

Come up through my toes

To my ankles

To my head

To my soul

And I'm blown away

I can't believe that we would

Lie in our graves

Wondering if we had

Spent our living days well

I can't believe that we would

Lie in our graves

Dreaming of things that we

Might have been

-DMB

My goal in life is to not be at the end of it, dreaming of the things I might of been.  Instead, I hope get to the end of my life and be so glad I took the chances and the risks and had lived my life to the fullest.  With DMB providing the soundtrack.

The Dreaming Tree

Thank you for all your thoughtful and insightful responses to my last post.  I’ve read them over and over, talked with friends and family, and I’ve decided what I knew in my heart from the beginning: that I would be crazy not to pursue this!

I talked to Michelle today, and she told me that the couple’s other child has been living with his 83 year old grandmother, who certainly can’t handle taking care of another baby.  Michelle thinks they’re “80% committed” to adopting this baby out, and she said that she’s already made it clear to them that she wouldn’t take the baby unless it was a full out adoption in the hospital after delivery.  Which would be my condition, too, of course.  Unfortunately they’ve had no prenatal care, so she’s not really sure how far along she is.  This isn’t ideal, but I suppose it’s better than a baby that has had no prenatal care and is addicted to cocaine.

I asked her to talk to the parents, and let them know I’m interested, and see what they have to say.  (And to tell them to get to the health department and get a check up!)  I think one huge limitation here is going to be that Michelle really wants to adopt this baby, too.  But if her marriage ends, she couldn’t do it.  And I think it’s going to end, from what she’s said lately.  She isn’t making any decisions yet, so for now I’m in limbo.

I’ve been reading up on adoption and even though it would be a private adoption, I’ll have to do a homestudy.  It looks like this can be a 2-3 month process, so while I want to wait on doing anything adoption related until I know more, I’m wondering when I need to start thinking about contacting an agency to do the homestudy.  I guess there’d be nothing wrong with doing it in the near future, because it’ll be good for a year, and I’m told it’s easy to renew when the year is up.  But then I wonder what sort of impact the whole “single mom trying to conceive” thing might have on my chances of getting approved.

It’s overwhelming.  And so nice to have good what-ifs to look forward to, instead of sad if-onlys to imagine.  And - less than two weeks before starting drugs for IUI - something else to obsess about besides the condition of the follicles in my ovaries! 

Out of the Blue

I’ve always known that I wanted to adopt some day.  In fact, my original plan as a choice mom had been to adopt.  I kept putting it off, not making plans, until I finally admitted to myself that I also really want to experience pregnancy, so I decided to try to conceive with donor sperm.  Given the fact that my tests all indicate diminished fertility, I’ve been thinking I’d try to adopt when it comes time to have baby #2.  I've found a lot of blogs about adoption lately, and it’s been discouraging to learn that so many choice moms have had a very hard time trying to adopt, and most seem to recommend fostering to adopt as the best option for a single mom who wants to adopt a child.  Which is where my office manager Michelle comes in.  She’s been a foster mom for years, the kind of foster mom that any child in the system would be lucky to have, and she keeps track of all her kids, even after they leave her and graduate out of the foster care system.  I talked to Michelle once about foster to adopt, which she tried before she had her son, but after talking to her, I decided it was something I’m not capable of doing.  (She had a little boy she brought home from the hospital after his birth, but then had to give him up when he was a year old.)  So I’ve become more and more discouraged as I realized that I might never be able to have more than one child.

Friday afternoon, Michelle stopped me as I was leaving the office.  She told me that she had talked with one of her former foster kids this week, and that his girlfriend is pregnant with their second child.  They can barely afford to pay for the things their first child needs, and are in danger of losing their home, so there’s no way they can raise another child.  He had called to ask Michelle if she’d be interested in adopting their baby.  Michelle and her husband are at the brink of divorce, so she told him she couldn’t give him an answer right away.  And then she thought of me.

She asked me if I’d want to adopt this baby.

I was in shock.  One second I was thinking about meeting LB and her kids for dinner, and the next I’m being offered what I have only dreamed of – the chance to adopt an infant.  So of course I told her yes!  I know it’s a long shot.  As my mom said today, it has just about as much a chance of happening as it does of not happening.  Michelle doesn’t know if the parents would want to give their child to a single mom.  She doesn’t know for certain if she wants the baby instead.  And it still isn’t a hundred percent positive that the parents will really go through with the selfless plan of giving their child to someone who can give him or her a better life than they can.  But just the possibility that it may happen fills me with a sense of hope and joy that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  You know how life works sometimes, one minute it’s the same old thing, then you turn a corner and suddenly something fabulous and unexpected is there.  It seems that I never manage to turn that corner, most of my friends have, but not me.  And now here I am, I’m the one peering around the corner and seeing that something amazing might be waiting. 

This wouldn’t change my plans to try to conceive at all.  Even if the parents told me on Monday that they want me to take their child, I’d still go through with my planned IUI next month.  That means there’s a chance, albeit a small one, that this time next year I might have two children, just 5 or 6 months apart in age.  Is that crazy?  It makes me wonder if I should tell Michelle no, that I’m not prepared to take that chance, because I’m having a hard time imagining caring for a newborn while being pregnant with another child, much less handling the chaos of two infants at the same time.

But what if this child is meant to be mine?  I feel like I need to step out on a limb and take a chance that might make my life crazy for the next few years – but crazy in a good way.  Just imagining the possibility is overwhelming and wonderful and incredibly frightening, all at the same time.  Does anyone have any words of wisdom or insight?  Am I insane for even considering this possibility?


*the baby elephant in the picture is one of the many at the Sheldrick Elephant Orphanage in Nairobi - this seems like a good post for her.

Photo Friday

Every Friday, Calliope at Creating Motherhood has a new theme for Photo Friday - this week the theme is pets.  Since almost every post I ever type is with at least one cat obstructing my computer access, I couldn't resist participating today, even though these aren't really my best efforts as a photographer.  Calliope says she's had a bad week, and needs some cheering up, so if you have some cute pet pictures, you should definitely share them, too!

I love dogs, but right now I'm a cat mom.  My oldest cat, Dakota, passed away November 2008, and I still miss her every single day.  Vagus (I was taking gross anatomy when I got him) is the now oldest at 15, and the newest addition to our family, Zaphira, is 2.  Even though Vagus was only 2 years younger than Dakota, he used to pester her to no end - it's so funny to see the roles reversed with Vagus and Z!

This is my favorite picture of Dakota and Vagus - they slept cuddled together like this a lot.

And then there was the time that Vagus got his head stuck in a bag - I wonder what that says about me as a mom (of any species) that my first response was to grab my camera, instead of rescuing the cat.

And this from the day I brought Z home - Vagus is now fairly fond of her, but at first he really didn't like her.  You can't tell in this picture, but he was growling at her - loudly.  Z has always been timid around people, but around Vagus, she's fearless.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I have nothing new or cheerful or optimistic to post today, so instead I’m going to share a funny exchange I recently had with a patient.  It still makes me laugh, even when I'm not feeling all that happy.     

Mr. S is a patient of mine in his early 70s who I've known for at least 3 years.  At his visit a few weeks ago, we talked about his diabetes for a while, and then he asked me a question.

Mr. S:  “Were your ears burning last month?”

Me:  “Should they have been?”

Mr. S:  “Yeah, I met a couple of your other patients, and we were all sitting around talking about you.”

Me:  “Really?  Did you all complain about how mean I am?”

Mr. S:  “No, we talked about how good looking you are!  You’re the best looking doctor any of us have.”

Me(insanely flattered): “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in weeks!  Where was it exactly that you met up with these guys?”

Mr. S:  “We were all patients at the VA Hospital for the Blind.”