HSG Report

Finn and I had the best morning today.  It was so nice getting up with plenty of time to cuddle in the bed and be silly and no rush to be anywhere.  Our morning was wonderfully slow and simple - I sang "If You're Happy and You Know It" once and then ended up repeating it another 15 times, with Finn chiming in with the clapping and ear wiggling, but he couldn't quite figure out the feet stomping.  Breakfast was a messy experience with Finn using his spoon to feed himself, and when that wasn't enough, he licked the bowl.  Who knew yogurt could be that good?

Too soon it was time for me to head off for my HSG.  I checked in, changed into a lovely hospital gown and socks for my cold toes, and right on time was walking into the radiology suite.

The wonderful x-ray tech caught me taking a picture of the room, and offered to take a picture of me on the table right before the HSG.

Last time my HSG was awful - he couldn't get the catheter through my cervix, and ended up having to use a balloon catheter to get in through.  This time the only bad part was getting the (ginormous) speculum in place. That was awful.  But once it was in the right spot it wasn't that bad. The catheter went right in, and suddenly I was getting that lovely cramping from the dye.  The screen was right at my eye level, so I got to watch the whole thing.  It was normal - as expected - and much less uncomfortable than last time.

I asked my RE about my FSH, and my thoughts of only trying one IUI before going to IVF, and his response surprised me.  He told me that my FSH wasn't unexpected (true), but the numbers don't tell the whole story, and my history of a successful IUI (twice) with the meds we're planning on using made him think it was still worth trying two IUIs, at least.  To paraphrase him, "with your labs, age and prior history, I don't know that IVF would necessarily increase your chances enough to make it worth not at least trying the easier and cheaper method a few times, first."  He did say that he hadn't seen my AMH results yet, but wasn't sure the results would change his recommendation much at all.

His reasoning makes complete sense, so I think I'm going to go back to our original plan.  Am I crazy?

Hormones Run Amok

Is it too much to ask for nice normal hormones?  (Don't answer that.)

Last month I had my TSH checked as part of my routine labs with my gynecologist.  It came back just a little high, 3.78.  So I had her repeat my TSH along with my free T4 and TPO antibodies.  The repeat TSH was 2.06, with a normal free T4 and negative TPO antibodies.  I had samples of thyroid hormone replacement ready to go, but with negative antibodies, I'm not too worried about the TSH now.

AF showed up again Thursday night, so I went in this morning (CD5, thanks to AFs poor timing) for baseline labs with my RE.  My antral follicle count is about the same as it was the cycle that gave me Finn - 6 now, 5 then.  My FSH has jumped quite a bit, from 11.4 to 16 and estradiol is 20. (for those of you not versed in normal values, these are indicators of fertility; my antral follicle count is low, not good, but the same as it was in the past.  My FSH is too high, also not good and further proof my eggs are elderly.) My AMH is still pending, but it's been low before, so I don't expect that to be any different now, though.

Based on these disappointing results, I'm now planning on just one IUI, and then if that doesn't work, going straight to IVF.  I'm still going ahead with the HSG that we have scheduled for Friday, just to give the IUI the best possible chance of working.  We'd decided to not have me TTC this cycle "just in case" there was something abnormal, but the chance of that happening is low, so of course now I'm wishing I'd decided to go ahead and try this cycle.  I had a conversation with my friend LB today where she decided that right now was the time to tell me that she thought I shouldn't be doing the HSG this cycle, and wondered if I really needed it at all.  Seriously, right now, after I'd already rearranged my schedule and am mentally prepared to get it done .  I completely understand her thought process, but right now I'm just not capable of changing course.  Even if she'd brought it up last week maybe, but now?  I love LB, but sometimes she's a very stressful friend to have, as she just doesn't know when to stop.  And sometimes she tries so hard to make sure I know she only has my best interests at heart that she makes it worse.  

I'd really hoped that already having a baby would make this second round of trying to conceive less emotionally draining, but I can already tell that's not going to be the case.  I'm not even on hormones yet and I'm already feeling emotionally labile.

At least I do have the stabilizing factor of my little boy.  We all had a great time at the splash pad this weekend.  Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the morning.

Love this picture of Finn and D - he's such a good cousin and big brother

any idea what this sign is? 

D soaking Oliver while Finn watches

Finn wandered around singing to himself

Oliver after a snack

Itty Bitty Finn Day

On 8/9/10 - two years ago today - I had the IUI that gave me Finn.

Like a few other SMCs, I would like to celebrate today every year, as it ranks up there with his birthday as one of the most important days of my entire life.  But I'm been at a loss for a good name for today. "Conception day" just doesn't sound right, but I couldn't think of anything else.  One of the women I work with came up with a list of possibilities yesterday:

• Knocked Up Day
• Egg Cracked Day
• Egg Invaded Day
• Alien Landed Day
• Itty Bitty Finn Day
• Finn's Real Birthday
• Oven Turned On Day
• Don't Need No Daddy Day
• Sperm Donor Appreciation Day

Out of all of them, loved Itty Bitty Finn Day the best - it just makes me smile.  And so when the alarm went off this morning, I rolled over to see Finn grinning at me and said, "Happy Itty Bitty Finn Day!"  

And then at lunch today, I walked into the breakroom to find this cake waiting for me:

I love the people I work with!

My amazing and wonderful friend Jennie (one of the friends who came to stay with me after Finn was born) has been here the past week to take care of Finn while Nanny M is on vacation.  When I got home tonight he was freshly bathed and ready to go out to celebrate. (Yes, not only do I have a friend that will fly across the country to help out when my nanny isn't here, she also gives Finn his bath, has him make a picture for me...and makes my bed, and puts away laundry....Jennie rocks, and I'm not just saying that because she's currently sitting on the couch next to me while we watch the Olympics.) We went to a yummy burger joint and kept Finn entertained with the contents of our purses and letting him sit on the table while we waited for food. 

After almost 15 months, you would have thought I'd be able to leave the house with everything he needs.  Seriously.

There's a great splash pad just outside the restaurant - it's really best for older kids, but Finn was interested in checking it out.  Saturday we're meeting my sister and her boys at a splash pad with a section just for younger kids.  Based on his fascination with the water here, I think he's going to love it.

(I really need to get my hair highlighted!)

This past week Finn has gone from a crawler who would occasionally walk, to a walker who will occasionally crawl.  He's not my little baby anymore!

The State of the Finnegan

Life with a 14 month old (almost 15 months!) is never, ever boring.  Since Finn was born, I've been looking forward to him being between the ages of 3-5, those are my favorites ages.  But I never anticipated how much fun this age would be.  He's doing something new every day, and has the best sense of humor.  Today I started laughing while we were driving, and he started laughing too, even though he had no idea what I was laughing at.

While he's suddenly become very attached to me and Nanny M, he's also become incredibly social as long as one of us is holding him, or is nearby.  He's especially social with kids; when we're out, he waves at them all like they're his long lost friends.  He plays shy with adults, but then will suddenly give a huge grin or blow a complete stranger a kiss, and melts hearts everywhere.

He also waves at planes (while covered in dirt)

Blows kisses to birds

Gets kisses from dogs (that's Cletus - Nanny M's dog)

Tries to get dogs attention by signing "dog" whenever one walks by

Asks for cheese at the grocery store - as soon as we walk in the door he's asking for cheese, he knows where they keep the free samples! (He also furiously signs "cheese, cheese please" when we walk down the cheese aisle, or whenever the word cheese is said - it's the Food that Shall Not Be Named in our house)

He currently can say 15 words: hi, bye, mama, kitty, dog, nahnah (Nanny M), cheese, bird, tree, boo! (I think that counts as a word, he loves to say it, and uses it appropriately), more, snack, hat, ball, please.  He knows the signs for a lot of those words, and will usually sign and say the word at the same time, which makes it much easier to understand what he's saying.  He also knows the sign for book, eat, and melon, and we're working on the signs for outside, berry and thank you.

Each day is a new adventure with my little boy - it all passes so fast, I think I'm going to try to do one of these posts every few months, just so I can remember these little snapshots of what life is like right now.

Fertility Massage

Bee in my Garden

I had my first fertility massage tonight, with Tricia (also known as She of the Magic Hands). I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I ended up really liking it, even though it was very different from massages I've had in the past. We talked for about 5-10 minutes before we started. She asked about my headaches, we talked about my chronic hip and low back pain, then talked about my cycles and my fertility plans. Since I'm cycle day 18 today, she wanted to be sure there was no way I might be pregnant before starting. That's one benefit of doing this single, I don't have to worry about an "accidental" pregnancy!

 She started with me on my back, and rubbed castor oil on my stomach, then put a moist heating pack on top of the oil. She then did some cranial sacral holds, followed by some work on my head and neck, then my arms and legs. None if it was the deep tissue massage that I usually get, but the idea is to keep blood flow focused on the reproductive parts instead, so I just enjoyed the relaxation. That's when she went back to my abdomen. My stomach has felt very tender since Finn was born, especially my lower abdomen, so I was worried about how the massage would go, but it ended up really helping relieve a lot of the tenderness. She started off very lightly massaging my entire abdomen, and then worked on my hip bones - "the pelvic rim" and down into the psoas muscles. There were some very sore spots in there, it definitely wasn't comfortable, but I felt some relaxation of a few areas that have probably been in spasm since before Finn was conceived. She finished that up with some more lighter touches before having me turn over --- I'm pretty sure this is where I fell asleep. I hope I didn't snore.

 When I got up I could immediately tell a difference in how my hip and low back feel. And tonight I finally feel like my energy is concentrating in my pelvic area instead of on milk making. I don't have another acupuncture appointment for 5 weeks (I'm on the wait list), but I do have an appointment for another massage in about 3 weeks. I wish I had more free time during the day (and was independently wealthy) because I'd love to have another one of those massages next week.

 

Thank You!

Picture Nanny M texted to me today

I owe a huge thanks to all of you who posted such nice, uplifting messages on my last post. And a huge thank you to all of you who were nice enough to keep your mouths shut, instead of yelling at me to quit my whining (even though I deserved it!) The commiseration responses made me feel so much better for feeling the way I do - and the ones that reminded me that I do have a lot more to do these days than garden gave me permission to not feel so guilty about not having the cutest home on the block. Two comments in particular have really stuck with me, and I've been thinking about them over and over again. Evelyn's comment, "when you finally do move out of that house you'll miss it for all the good memories it'll have." And Abby's comment, "if people could see how full-to-bursting your house is with LOVE, everyone would want to live there!"

Hit me over the head with a hammer - here I am with the VERY THING I have wanted my entire life, and I'm feeling down because my house isn't perfect. I know it's normal to feel this way, but I think I've indulged those feelings long enough, and it's time to move on.

Ever since I moved here, I've had this constant thought, "this house is only temporary." Which is true, but temporary could end up being 3-5 years, easily. So instead of feeling like I have to get everything done right now, or that I won't try to make everything the way I like it since I won't be here long, I'm going to work on gradually finding things that fit this house. Not expensive things (I do have a boy, after all) but things that I like that work here; adding my own touches, as Surly Mama said. MN's suggestion about Craig's List was brilliant, too.  And the fall season of consignment sales is just around the corner!

 **** 

 On a completely different note - I'm a pretty firm believer in the power of the mind body connection. Not in the "if you believe it enough, you will get pregnant" sort of way, but more in the way of "every little bit helps". I realized today that for the past 14 months I've concentrated all the positive energy in my body to making milk. And now that it's time to start thinking about my ovaries again, it's hard to do! It's almost a physical act, turning my thoughts towards growing healthy eggs. I've been doing femoral massage every night, I'm listening to Circle + Bloom's precycle meditations, and taking my supplements again which are all helping, but it's still a conscious effort to steer my energy to my reproductive organs.  After over a year of thinking only of growing healthy eggs before I started trying to conceive the first time, it's weird how foreign it feels to me now.

Home Envy

Finn with his favorite toy

This post is about something so ridiculous, I'm almost embarrassed to even write it.  You see, I have horrible house envy.  As many other things as I have going on right now, and with all the difficulties that others are facing, I feel silly being this bothered by my house, but I just can't help myself.

I live in the most adorable neighborhood.  Cute little houses, most with even cuter gardens and front porches.  People here decorate their houses for every holiday, including the 4th of July.  Not just a flag, but full on decorating (one house even had red, white and blue twinkle lights).  My house is a rental, and it looks like it.  The guy who owns it mows the lawn, but only every other week, so half the time it looks ragged.  I have a small little plot of flowers in the back, but that's right next to the plastic pool and water table, which are much loved by Finn, but not so pretty to look at.  I'm the only house on the block with no garage, and I'm right on the corner, so the plastic stuff is hard to miss.  My potted plants are all dead or dying because I can't remember to water them every day and my front porch is just about empty, except for a few of those dying plants and a couple of small lawn ornaments.  I walk by the other houses in my neighborhood and wish that my house was more like them.

Classy, right?

I like the inside of my house, but it is not what I would ever choose if I were buying a house.  It's small, with an open floor plan - you can see straight from the back door to the front door (shotgun style?) The kitchen is huge - there's actually a lot of wasted space with the way it's laid out, but that gives Finn plenty of space to play.  The kitchen table that I love is way too big for the dining room, my furniture doesn't fit quite right in my living room, and the carpet is just a little worn (and it's not hardwood floors).  All the rooms upstairs are small, my bathroom is downright tiny, and I traded in my custom built closets for wire racks...but I have a wonderful front porch off my bedroom.

It doesn't feel like home.  My condo was not right for me and Finn at all, but it felt like home. Not because I'd lived there so long, but because I had made it into a place I loved to be.  I'm having a hard time doing that here, mainly because because of time and money, but also because I am so frustrated knowing that if I could sell my condo, I could buy any one of the homes in this neighborhood and live in a house that I truly loved.

It's ridiculous, I know.  The market sucks, and I'm lucky that I'm still able to pay my mortgage.  Besides, I've only been here since March. While I want to have everything perfect right now, that's just not going to happen. Over the next few months I am going to buy a few more things to organize the mess so it's easier to keep the downstairs neat.  If I could just get motivated, I could get my bedroom completely finished so I could feel cozy and happy in my room, instead of surrounded by clutter.  I would love to buy all new furniture for Finn's room, since what I have was bought for the tiny room I had in the condo, instead of the slightly larger, but much brighter and airier feeling room he has now.  Instead, I'm going to try to find a new bookshelf for his room now, and be happy with that.

While I'd also love to buy a cute set of seats and table for the back, and wooden rocking chairs for the front, I can't afford to do that, either.  I'll keep my eyes out for sales this fall, and maybe I'll luck out with something I can use next year.  Next spring, I think I'm going to plant some hydrangeas in the back to add more color, and to do more to block the ugly air conditioning unit.

I need to get myself to stop wishing for the home that I just can't have right now, and work on making this house into a place that feels like home for me and Finn. We're going to be here a while, so what's really silly is letting myself get so caught up in home envy that I don't do anything to make it better.  And let it bother me so much I waste time writing a blog post about it instead of actually working on the projects I'm in the middle of right now.

CD 1!

In the midst of writing the post that follows below, I got up to use the bathroom and woohooo! After 710 days, AF has finally come to visit!  It's been 3 weeks since Finn last nursed, so really that isn't too long, but I was so afraid that it was going to take 3-4 months to get my period back, so I'm very relieved.  


Yesterday morning I complained to Nanny M that after 3 weeks of walking with Finn almost every single night, and (for the most part) eating healthier, I've actually gained 2.5 pounds, and the pants I was wearing were way too tight.  "Maybe you're bloated," she said, "I'm about to start - maybe we're synching up." She paused for second, "Finn, I'm so sorry."  I'm hopeful that when I weigh in next week I'll see a better number...and that the pimples that have shown up the past few days go away, too.  

And now back to my regularly scheduled post, already in progress:

One of the most difficult parts of my job is taking care of people who don't believe the "Something Bad" will ever happen to them.  Most frequently it's young (20's) kids with type 1 diabetes who don't check their sugars, don't take their insulin and look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them that they could end up on dialysis or blind because of their blood sugars.  I can see it in their smug, defiant little grins that they are thinking, "Oh, but that's never going to happen to ME."

Often it's the pregnant women with gestational diabetes - they're annoyed they have to be seeing me, they really don't want insulin, they're mad they have to watch their diet, they're hormonal and they've read some 15 year old "data" on the internet that suggests gestational diabetes isn't really that bad (data which has since been very strongly refuted). I can cut them some slack when their blood sugars are just marginal, or when they're trying but they just can't get it right, but when their sugars are awful and they still don't give a flying fig - it makes me so angry that at times I've had to get up and walk out of the room to avoid saying, "There are women out their who spend YEARS trying desperately to get pregnant.  They would do anything to have the wonderful gift you are carrying right now, they would do everything in their power to make sure their baby is healthy, and you can't even be bothered to follow your damn diet?"  Again, they look at me and I can see it in their face that they just don't believe it will happen to them.

Maybe none of us ever really believe that the Something Bad will happen.  It's other people's children who get cancer, it's other people who have recurrent miscarriages, it's other people who are infertile, it's other people who have babies with birth defects or chronic health problems, it's other people who have the Something Bad. But not me. Until the Something Bad happens. And the whole world changes.

It's interesting to see that in the ALI community, most of us are aware that none of us are immune to the Something Bad.  And we also are so painfully aware that life just isn't fair, and just because you have had the Something Bad once, doesn't mean you won't get another dose of it again.  And again.

I was thinking on my walk last night with Finn that the Fear of Something Bad is one of the driving factors behind my recent push towards getting healthy.  I'm 41.  I weigh 10 pounds more than I did when I started TTC over 2 years ago (but 5 pounds less than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy with Finn), and when I first started TTC I could run 5 miles, and worked out with a trainer twice week.  During my pregnancy my blood pressure was always just flirting with being too high, and while I passed my glucose tolerance test with flying colors, I had more than one fingerstick blood sugar that was too high.

So I really want to do all that I can to be as healthy as possible when I start TTC #2. And I really hope I can maintain it while TTC, and avoid the emotional eating I was prone to during the whole process the last time.

I've done fairly well so far.  I've gotten at least 3 days a week with more than 10,000 steps for the past three weeks, and with only one exception, I've gotten at least 5,000 steps on all the other days. I'm failing at getting 8 fruits and veggies a day, but I knew that would be hard.  I am getting at least 5-6 servings a day almost every day, though.  The last time I did this, my goal was 5 servings, and I rarely made that many, so I am better than I was in the past. Having lots of fruits and veggies in the house for Finn definitely helps.  Now that CD1 is here, I am officially going back to 1 regular Diet Coke a day. I should probably add getting 8 hours of sleep to my list as well. I've not been doing a very good job with that lately.  It would definitely make it easier to give up the extra Diet Cokes!


I sometimes wonder at how we set ourselves up for such heartbreak by pursuing a family. Many of the Something Bads would never happen to us if we decided not to have children in the first place.

But, oh the joys we would miss out on if we didn't try!