MRI Report #6

25lb boy, waiting at the oncologist's office

I'll start with the most important news first - the tumor has decreased in size again!  It's still there, but this time it measured 0.9 x 0.5 cm, which is pretty damn impressive compared to 2.4 x 2.3 cm in September.  Of course I started crying when I heard the news.

It was another long day, as all MRI days seem to be.  I slept horribly, thanks to the sense of dread I felt the entire night.  Our day started at 5:30, when Finn woke up crying inconsolably for no clear reason.  He finally calmed down, and seemed like he was going to fall back to sleep, so I cuddled in the bed with him until 6:30, when he suddenly woke up all the way and grinned at me.  We had to leave at 7:15, so I had to get ready in record time, and was so proud of myself when we were pulling out of the driveway at 7:15 exactly.

This time we started with his abdominal ultrasound first, and he did not like it at all.  I nursed him while he was getting his ultrasound the last time, but since they started with that today, he was still not allowed to eat or drink anything, so I had to entertain him with a sticker and singing, with variable success.  We then waited for a while before we were taken back to meet with Dr. Y, the anesthesiologist, one we've had many times before, and who seemed genuinely happy to see Finn.  (In fact, it was the same guy who said, "The baby with CANCER for the MRI?" back when Finn was first diagnosed.)  I think it was another 30 minutes before it was finally time for Finn to get his MRI.  Despite the fact that it was well past his breakfast time, Finn did great.  He was a little fussy, but easily distracted and very cuddly. Usually one of the nurses takes Finn from me, but this time Dr. Y carried Finn out of the room - Finn waved at me as he was carried out, and then I saw him smile around his pacifier at one of the techs who was following them into the MRI room.  That made me feel so much better, and amazingly I didn't cry. 

He was in MRI for almost an hour and a half, but was again flirting with the nurses when I went back into recovery to get him.  He had one single tear on his face from where he'd cried when they took his IV out, but waved to everyone when we left, and blew a kiss to his nurse, so it doesn't seem like it was that traumatic.

At the oncologist's office he had his blood count checked (which was all completely normal for the first time ever) and barely cried at all because he was busy being entertained by bubbles when the did the stick to get his blood.  Dr. B came in a little while later and said that the ultrasound continued to be normal, but the MRI hadn't been read yet.  I didn't get the results of that until I was almost at the office.  This is the first time I haven't had time to call anyone immediately with the news, or time to update here.  I talked to my sister, and texted a few friends and that was it.  I definitely did not tell my mom that I'd gotten the results an hour or so before I talked to her.

I had a headache and felt nauseated most of the day - the headache is finally easing off, but I still feel pretty rough.  This neuroblastoma diagnosis is like a dark cloud that's hanging over me, one I can ignore to some degree, but I never completely forget about it.  Some days, it threatens to overwhelm me, especially when I hear about bad things happening to other children.  The days before an MRI are always the worst, because I just can't ignore it, and all the fear I've ignored for the preceding few months kicks in and just about smothers me.  I think that cloud lifts just a little after every MRI, but as Dr. B said today, I'm going to be scared before every single MRI.  We aren't going to be free of this for another 6 years.  Yep, his last MRI is scheduled for right after he turns 7.  The oncology team is very optimistic, and says this is just to be on the safe side, but damn, it just sucks that we have to be doing this.  I wonder what the first year of a child's life would be like, not having to face a cancer diagnosis.  I really, really hope I get to find out sometime in the not too distant future with Baby #2.

I think that for his next MRI I'm going to take the entire day off.  I might even have Nanny M come in the afternoon and treat myself to massage or something once the results are in.  This going to work after a long, stressful morning thing is just stupid.