Sleeping Alone

Taken with my phone, about 2 seconds after he woke up

Since May 12 of last year, the only times I slept an entire night in a bed by myself were the two nights after Finn's surgery that he still had his chest tube in, and had to sleep in the crib.  I didn't get much sleep those nights, since I kept my hand through the bars of the crib and stroked his hand, arm and hair most of the night, so I'm not sure they even count.  I've gotten used to sharing my bed, and now that Finn's older and I don't have to worry about being as vigilant about having a safe sleep environment, I sleep a lot better than I did for those first months.  It's cozy, sharing my bed with my son.  I love waking up with him snuggled up next to me, or hearing his waking up noises when he first starts to stir in the mornings.  He always wakes with a smile - something he definitely did not get from me!  We spend so much time apart, it really does feel like a time to reconnect, even if we're sleeping through most of it.

I do kind of miss the comfort of sleeping alone. I have cricks in my neck that may never go away, and have discovered that a little baby can take up more space in the bed that a grown adult, meaning I rarely have much room on my side of the bed.  But the thought of putting Finn to sleep in his crib and not having his little warm body next to mine all night makes me sad.

But it looks like I don't have a choice, since he's been feeding at least once, if not twice during the night, and is not showing any signs of stopping.  Often I don't even realize he's breast feeding - I wake up to find him latched on.  (Do I pull up my shirt for him in my sleep or does he do it on his own?  I have no idea!) A few times I've woken up as he's rooting around, and have been able to distract him with his pacifier, but other times nothing will work but the breast.

I think that he would probably sleep the night through if he didn't wake up with me close by.  I'm pretty sure he wakes up, says, "I smell milk!" and decides to eat.  I'm not positive, but I think he'd sleep the night through if I wasn't there.

We've made progress on getting him to nurse less.  He gets a few ounces of breast milk with supper in his sippy cup (he usually won't drink more than a few ounces).  And then right before bed, I give him a bottle, and he usually will drink another 3 ounces then.  I'm pretty sure that he breast feeds for less time since we've been doing that, and I feel like my milk supply has dropped a little, too.  I'm hoping that over the next few weeks, we can gradually give up the bedtime nursing session.  That one is going to be the hardest to do, I know.  I imagine there will be tears.  Both his and mine.  But I think the sippy cup at dinner and the bottle before bed are going to get us there.

First, we have to stop the nighttime feeds.  The only way I can see that happening is if we stop sleeping together, at least for a while.  I really doubt he'll sleep the whole night in his crib, but I think it's possible he would sleep the whole night alone in my bed.  Since that one night I found him half fallen out of the bed, he's been more cautious about the edge of the bed, and I've moved the bumpers so he can't repeat that near disaster.  He sleeps 4 hours a night alone in the bed every night now, and he's safe, and he will wake up and soothe himself back to sleep when I'm not there.  I'm pretty sure that he'll be fine, and after a few nights, will sleep the night through without any extra snacks.

I'm just not sure if I'm going to sleep well, alone in the guest bedroom while he sleeps in my bed.  But starting Tuesday night, that's what I'm going to do.

I think.

I am so glad that there is a 3 day weekend almost here!  I plan to spend hours catching up on blogs...I'm so behind.