Two Years

Two years ago today I went in for a D&C after my first pregnancy ended at 9 weeks.  I'm still sad about it, but in a wistful sort of way, not the same deep hurt I felt when it happened.  My life is too full with the wonderful little boy that is Finn to feel anything more than that.  I feel so lucky - and much more sad for my friends who also have experience miscarriages, but are still waiting for their babies.

I've been so consumed with weaning Finn that I haven't given much more than a passing thought to the actual process of TTC #2 until today, when the date made me pause.  I stopped and remembered the anxiety and hassle and worry and heartbreak that goes along with TTC.  It is all so worth it, but I'm really not looking forward to it.  Not one bit.

I did sit down and think about what's going to happen in the next few months.  I am supposed to call after my first "normal" period after weaning Finn.  Since I haven't had a period since July 2010, I'm not going to consider my first period normal, even if it happens after he's fully weaned and seems like a normal period.  I'd like to have several cycles for my supplements to have time to work before I actually start TTC.  So once I get that first normal period, I'm supposed to go in for my Day 3 labs and ultrasound, and schedule my HSG.  As long as there are no big surprises with all those tests, my next cycle after that will be the one that I start meds for an IUI.  Thinking about timing, that means that if I get a period very very soon, I could conceivably start TTC in August.  But realistically speaking, it's more likely to be September.

I'm glad I thought about this tonight.  Realizing that weaning within the month puts me at September at the earliest to start to TTC (and that's if all goes the way it's supposed to) has me a lot more motivated.  I don't want it to be winter before I start trying!

When I first started down the path to motherhood I said, "I'm never going to do IVF, I'll stop if it comes to that."  That changed - the IUI that stuck was going to be my last; I was prepared to go to IVF next if it didn't work.  What changed my mind was reading blogs, and hearing other women's stories and realize that while IVF isn't fun, it was something I could do.  Now I'm prepared to do 2 IUIs and then go to IVF (or just one IUI, if I have a poor response to stims this time around).  And I'm also prepared to go the DE route if IVF fails, too.  I don't know how many IVF cycles I'd be willing to try - I don't think it's possible to say for sure until I'm there.  But I do know that if I decide I'm done trying with my own eggs, I'll wait a couple of years to save up money and then try with DE.

I never would have thought I'd even consider that route.  It's amazing how time changes your perspective, isn't it?

I still haven't bought more vials of sperm.  I have two in storage with my RE, and I keep meaning to order more, but I have to call and speak with someone directly (my donor is sold out to new families) and I just never do it.  I'm going to make myself a reminder right now to do that on Tuesday.  If I do end up doing DE, it would be so nice if that child and Finn could still be half-(biological) sibs.