What I'm Afraid Of

Some of the comments on my last post got me to thinking.  Specifically, thinking about how I’d been a little misleading in my fear of “giving in” to an epidural – and that led me to think about what I’m really afraid of as I head into the last 3 weeks (or so) of pregnancy.

My Fears

• I’ll be a crazy, whiny, annoying, screaming and crying woman the entire time I’m in labor – I really don’t want to be one of those women who all the nurses hate and who is an absolute pain in the ass because I’m so awful. 
• I’ll end up getting an epidural and because of that I’ll get one of my horrible headaches.  Or that the hormonal changes after pregnancy will give me a headache.  Either way, that one of my occasional, horrible, nearly incapacitating headaches will show up around the time of delivery and I’ll spend the first few days with my baby boy, miserable and barely able to function because my head hurts so much.
• My biggest fear is that Something Bad will happen.

My doula (Alex) and I discussed my fears today, and we’re both pretty sure that I’m not going to turn into one of Those Women, though I might temporarily resemble that woman during transition.  As far as my headaches go, one of the big triggers –aside from hormonal changes - is clenching my jaw and tensing up my neck and shoulders, so she’s going to make sure I avoid doing that as much as possible.  And for the last fear – well, I think every pregnant woman has it.  I know the chances are small, and I’m just going to focus on the fact that I’ve had a normal pregnancy so far, and that means that most likely I’ll have a normal delivery, too.

So I’m still nervous, but I’m not sure I’d say I’m actually overly worried or frightened.  And, while I really hope I don’t get an epidural, I’m ok with it if I end up getting one.  Reasons why I think I’d get one would be if labor dragged on, and I was just exhausted and had to have some rest, or if I needed Pitocin.  If the Pitocin is required, then so is an epidural!

Alex also pointed out that as of tomorrow, I’ll be 37 weeks, also known as full term. 

Which means I need to get things ready, as he really could come at any time now!  My hospital bag is now packed - minus Chiquitito’s going home outfit, which is in the dryer right now.  (I just did my first load of baby clothes – first of many, I know, but still exciting to be the first!)  I actually have two bags – one with my clothes and toiletries, and another to hold my camera and computer.   I had thought to keep at least the one with my clothes in the car, but now I’m thinking I might just keep them in the house.  Even if I go into labor at work (which is just across the street from the hospital), I’ll probably still go home first (20 minutes from the hospital), because I really don’t want to go to the hospital the second labor starts. 

Realistically speaking, I’ll probably go to into labor in the middle of the night.  And when I do go into labor, it’ll be after I’m already off work (I’ve got patients scheduled up to April 29 – the Friday before my due date), since most women deliver their first babies after their due date. 

But then again, the next full moon is April 17…..