Keeping a Secret

The last time I was pregnant, I told everyone the good news, even before my first ultrasound.  I didn’t really mean to tell everyone, though.  I’d planned on telling a close group of friends who already knew that I was trying, my sister and my parents.  But then I made the mistake of telling someone when I got to work, because I just couldn’t help myself, I was so excited.  And less than an hour later, I was getting a text from someone who works for a completely different company, all the way on the other side of town, telling me congratulations.

Well, after that, I figured if everyone was going to find out anyway, I might as well be the one who told them.  It was a thing of joy, telling everyone the good news, especially those who didn’t know I was trying.  Everyone was so happy for me, and it felt wonderful to be so supported.

And then I learned that I’d had a missed miscarriage.  It’s amazing how quickly good news travels, and yet how slowly bad news does.  I had to tell people the bad news over and over and over.  Just a few weeks ago I had someone ask me how my pregnancy was going – while I was taking medications before IUI #4.  (It just so happens that the person I just had to tell was the person who’d sent me that text back in April to tell me congratulations.  Really.)

I have to admit, despite the huge drawback of having to tell the bad news repeatedly, there was a benefit to having so many people know.  It was nice to know that so many people were sad for me.  Nice, but not worth the pain of the repeated telling.

And so I’m doing things differently this time.  I even played with the idea of telling no one at all.  But the support of my close friends when things went wrong was something I couldn’t have survived without.  Knowing how sad they were, and that some of them had already imagined being aunties, really helped.  It was comforting, knowing my baby had been real to someone besides me.

I think and I hope that everything will be okay with this pregnancy, but I’m not brave enough to test my faith completely.  And so I told my close friends and I told my sister.  But I didn’t tell my parents, I haven’t told my coworkers and I definitely haven’t told the friend I told the first time who told everyone else. 

It’s weird, walking around with a secret.  I kinda like it.