Mom Sets the Mood

Catching Pokemon

It's been two weeks that I've been trying to stay off Facebook.  I haven't been 100% successful - I log on to check something specific and get distracted by something I see there.  I posted a funny Finn story there yesterday because I just had to.  I've liked a few posts...but I've never spent more than 10 minutes there at one time (or really even in a day) in two weeks.

I've been more productive at night, I've been a little less grumpy and I'm not late in the morning (I had no idea how much time I wasted when first waking up every morning).  We'll see how the next two weeks go, but I think I'm going to stick to staying off my phone in the morning, and limiting FB to just short stretches instead of long browsing sessions.

My closet is slow going.  There was the suggestion to hire a professional organizer, which I have considered, but right now I'm going to do it on my own. I did read some articles by professional organizers after that suggestion which has helped me think about where to put things and how to arrange them: putting things you use frequently in places that are easy to get to, and storing things in ways that make it easy to keep them organized. Simple, right?  It would be faster to hire someone, and it would probably give me better results to have professional help, but I don't want to take a huge chunk of time away from the kids to get it done.  So slowly but surely, I'm making progress. Amazingly, after that, the only thing left is the garage, and it's just to darn hot to do that anytime soon.

In the meantime, it's less than a month before Finn starts kindergarten.  We have a few really fun plans for the remainder of the summer, but my number one goal is to start approaching our time together in the evening as time together, and not just a rush to get to bed.  I'm not sure where our evenings went wrong, but I've realized that I try so hard to protect my time with the boys, but then wasted all that effort by turning our evenings into a rushed and unpleasant mess.  Unfortunately, my attempt at an attitude adjustment was met with resistance tonight.  Not because the boys enjoy the rush, but because they've grown accustomed to the rush, they anticipate the power struggles and they're used to grumpiness.

Time to remember that I'm the grown up and it's up to me to set the mood for the family.  If I keep at it, they'll figure it out.



In case you were wondering what my Finn story was:

Today Finnegan informed me that there was no longer a need for a presidential campaign, as he and his friend Cooper have just been elected as the new Presidents of the United States.He even brought home the letter they had written to President Obama, telling him "thanks for all the hard work, but we've got it now."

The Future is No Place to Place Your Better Days

I've written here about how I've struggled with feeling overwhelmed, and how I've struggled to find the joy in every day.  I know a lot of it has to do with the stage of life I'm in right now, with two young children - but they are growing out of the age that is so horribly hard, and yet I'm still trying to find my balance.  I don't want to wake up in 15 years and have two kids getting ready to leave home and wonder why I didn't enjoy their childhood more.

A few months ago I listened to the audio version of Shonda Rhimes' memoir "The Year of Yes" and felt inspired by the renewal and joy she found from her year spent saying Yes to things that scared her.  Then this week I read "Loving My Actual Life" a memoir about the author's 9 month experiment to try to find more joy and meaning in her every day life.  Not as fabulous a read, but still interesting to follow her journey.

Naturally, I'm now thinking about my creating own challenge to help me get myself back on track - to reboot my life.  The thing is, I can't think of changes I'd like to make that fit into neat categories that I can tackle a month at a time.  Likewise, there's no one overarching theme (like saying yes to things that scare me) that I could use to tie it all together.  But there is the constant low level stress and aggravation from the clutter and utter lack of organization in my home - when I think of changes, this is all I can focus on. It's a project I've been working on for months and I've made a dent (including getting my entire downstairs redecorated last month) but there is still so much to do, and I've reached the point where it's going to take a lot more than an hour here and there to get it done.  And I just can't seem to get past the point of writing a list of all I need to do.

I've spent this past week, on my vacation in Florida visiting my parents, thinking about what's been standing in my way of actually putting my plans into action, and it embarrassingly comes down to one thing: Facebook.  I've used it for distraction for years, and since I recently became a member of a physician mommy group on there, it's even worse.  I'm certain I waste hours on it every week, maybe even every day.

Which means that step one in my life reboot is that I'm going to take a break from Facebook for the next month, starting Monday when I'm back to work.  (I will make a small exception for the Facebook group that has been created for the kindergarten families in my neighborhood, but I can set that up with email notifications to limit my time on FB.)

I'm going to use the time I'm off Facebook to devote focused energy at night to home organization and decluttering.  By the end of the month I should have a huge chunk that enormous project done - and I'm hoping once I'm nearing the end of it, I'll have a better idea of what's the next step to help me best enjoy the life I'm living now.

I've decided that I'm very specifically not giving up all social media - not Instagram and not blogs.  Instagram has become my favorite time capsule - I love being able to go back and see my favorite moments from the past few years just by scrolling through my own IG feed, and it only takes up a few minutes of my day to see what everyone I follow is up to. (If you're on IG and I don't follow you, share your user name here so I can add you!)  Plus there's the nice side effect of just feeling good from reading IG, while I've found that lately FB often leaves me angry or annoyed or disgusted with humanity.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a short project or a long term project, but as I mentioned in my last post, it's at least another year before I can cut my hours back at work, and at least two more years of staying in my current job.  I can't wait around for better days, I need to do something different now.

Bullet Update!

As usual, I've been meaning to post for ages, and then time gets away from me - - - which then makes it harder to post, because then I'm so far behind and I can't decide what I want to write about.  So here's a bullet post of all the things that have been going on lately.

• Finn graduated from preschool.  I cried.  His school principal cried. I love his little school so much! 

Cap and gown for preschool graduation! 

His handsome clothes (and blue mouth from the celebratory sno-cone)

• I turned 45.  Yikes. 
• Turns out I don't have some weird, chronic illness making me feel so bad.  It's just plain old sleep deprivation.  Luckily, there's a cure for that! If only there was more time in the day.
• I am a much better mom when I'm not sleep deprived. I have more patience, I'm funnier, my kids like me more and I like them more.  Crazy thing, sleep.
• We went on a family vacation to Lake Tahoe with my parents earlier this month.  It was wonderful - the mountains soothe my soul, and apparently Finn feels the same way, as he wants to move there.

• I still hate my job but love the people.  Often wonder if I'd hate my job if I worked somewhere else (probably, because being in healthcare just sucks these days).  Often wonder if I'd be happier if I lived somewhere I love (I like where I live fine, but I don't love it - I certainly wouldn't chose to live here again if given the chance).  But then I think I have such a great support system here, that perhaps I should just stay.  So I'm giving myself a few years to think about it.  No need to rush, I'll just ruminate on it a while.
• In the vein of loving where you live, I'm finally decorating my downstairs living area.  It's almost done - just waiting on things to be delivered!
• Project Declutter My House is moving along.  I've decided to do one project every couple of nights.  One night it was cleaning out a closet, another it was going through a drawer, another it was sorting kids toys, another emptying a box that was still full from my move.  I still have a long way to go (and I got side tracked with our vacation and haven't gotten back on track yet), but it feels good to be making progress.

5 Years Old

And suddenly, I'm the mom to a 5 year old.  Five.

He chose his outfit for our trip to Build-A-Bear

Five.

This has been a challenging year for both of us, but I'm figuring out how to adapt my parenting style to adapt to his needs, and I think we're finally hitting good solid ground.  One of the reasons I haven't written much lately is because much of what is on my mind is our relationship...and it doesn't feel right to post this on a public forum any longer.

But I can share a few things that Finn loves right now:

• Darth Vader and all things Star Wars
• Special Agent Osso
• Chocolate
• Making a mess (he called me earlier today saying "Mommy! I need a towel!" and before I could respond he added, "I know, again!")
• Cooking
• Helping in the garden
• His brother
• Putting on "shows" for whoever will watch

These first 5 years have been exhausting, terrifying, joyful and wonderful.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 have in store!

A Sad Tail

I was in the middle of interviewing a candidate for a physician's assistant job over lunch when I got the text from the nanny.

"Finn is going to be late for school."

"He slammed the door on Vader's tail."

I responded: "Is Vader ok?"

"Hold on. Um, no. He's going to need the vet. There's exposed bone."

The whole story (which I heard hours later, after I dealt with a plumbing issue that manifested in one of my patients almost getting a load of dirty toilet water from the office upstairs dumped on her head, saw some patients, stood as moral support and official photographer at the birth of a friend's baby and then delivered a 1 hour dinner lecture on diabetes management) was that Finn had been told to close the back door when it was time to leave for school.

"Close the door, Finn!" Finn complied by slamming the door just as the dog was running through.

Nanny M said she could tell something was wrong by the way the dog took off running.  She went to check on him, and when she opened the door, a one inch piece of his tail fell to the ground.  Nanny M got an upset Finn to school, and then took Vader to the vet, where the verdict was surgery.  So the next day, they cut off the exposed bone, sewed it up, and sent Vader home to heal.  And I'm pretty sure Vader is even more convinced that he was a horrible dog in a past life to deserve us as his forever family.

A few days later, I had some friends over and we held a small funeral for Vader's tail.  Finn said a few words, "Vader used to have a longer tail, a nice tail. But now part of it is gone. I will miss it," and then dropped the tail in the hole. I planted a forsythia bush above it, and we stood in a circle around the bush while I said a brief prayer. "Dear God, please help Vader heal well from this tragic accident, and not be in any more pain. Please help Finn to remember to never slam a door. Please let this forsythia bush grow big and healthy, so we can look at the beautiful flowers every spring and remember when Vader's tail was whole." (I might have giggled a bit at that last part.) There was an enthusiastic "Amen!" from all the attendees, and then we headed back inside to eat cupcakes brought by one of my friends who said, "I wasn't sure what to bring to a tail funeral, but I figured you could never go wrong with cupcakes."

The remaining part of Vader's tail has fully healed and he seems to be doing fine.  Though I've noticed that he now refuses to go out a door if Finn is standing anywhere near it.

Keeping it Together

I'm optimistically calling this post Keeping it Together, so I can pretend that I have a little bit of my life together right now.

Amazingly, I felt better after writing my last post, but even more so after reading the responses.  As someone said to me privately, everyone makes parenting look so easy - it's really nice to know I'm not alone in my exhaustion.

At least one person mentioned delayed postpartum depression (it really is a thing) as a possible issue. It has occurred to me.  But I don't know that I meet the criteria for true clinical depression.  I am actually happy a lot, there are many things I still enjoy.  But I do feel discouraged quite often as well, and like I said, lonely.  And my reserves are so terribly low - just a little misbehavior from my children can throw me for a loop. But still...it's on the list of things to talk to my doctor when I see her in a couple of weeks.

I am working on a few ideas to make my daily and weekly routine a little better - I'll share if any of them end up being really helpful! I already pay someone to my clean house, and Nanny M does a lot to help out. She does occasionally walk Vader for me when I've not been able to, but it is actually one chore I mostly enjoy.  It gets me some exercise and I have a little quiet time outside; once I drag myself out of bed I usually am happy I did.  I'm considering hiring someone to help with a few of the projects around the house - but right now just finding someone takes more than I have time to give.

More than anything, I need sleep.  It is amazing how hard it is to get enough, though.  There are so many things I need to do, and so many things I want to do...I have a hard time going to sleep when I have so much stuff I want to get done.  I'm working on it, though.

In 5 short weeks I'm going out of town for 4 nights, by myself, while my parents stay with the boys. It's a work conference, but I'm going to make sure I get lots of sleep, lots of good food and at least a couple of spa treatments.  I suspect that this long weekend might help more than anything else.

We had a family vacation a few weeks ago that was fun and did a lot to help relieve all the tension I've been feeling about work lately, but it's wasn't particularly restful.  If you follow me on Instagram you already saw all our pictures from our cruise, and most importantly, from the Star Wars day.  I was not as rested before the trip as I wanted to be (and on the first night, in the airport hotel, Zachary pooped on the floor and Finn locked us out of the bathroom in the space of 5 minutes...it was not a great start to our trip!) so I don't think I was as patient as I should have been, but the boys had fun. I know we'll do another one...in a few years.

Hard Days

Before kids, I had no idea it was possible to be blissfully happy and absolutely exhausted and miserable at the exact same time. I have (almost) everything I ever wanted: kids, the career I always dreamed of, a nice house, enough money to travel, and I am so very thankful.  There's not a day goes by that I'm not struck at least once by how much I love my boys and how lucky I am to have them.

But this shit is fucking hard.

I am tired, all the time. I'm more grumpy with my kids than I should be.  My neck and shoulders and back hurt constantly, and so even though I'm getting to bed most nights in time to get at least 7 hours of sleep, I never get a good solid sleep because I hurt. And I end up with a 4-5 day migraine at least once a month. I weigh 15 pounds more than I should.  I hate my hair color. Work politics suck, and I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping afloat with the basics of patient care to be able to be as vocal as I want to be about those issues. I frequently forget to pay a bill or return patient messages or friend's phone calls or to wish someone important a happy birthday or to actually let the people who are important to me know that I'm thinking of them with a text or an email or a phone call because oh my gosh I'm just too tired to even try.

I get home at night and have a few hours with my kids with dinner, a little playtime and then it's time to get ready for bed. Once the kids are in bed I have an average of 90 minutes to do everything else I need to do - walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, prepare meal plans, pay bills (why can't everyone allow autopay?), reply to emails - and there's never enough time, so the things I want to do - catch up with friends, edit pictures, watch tv, read a book, write a blog entry, comment on blogs - never get done.

Most surprising to me is how lonely I am.  I have really good friends both locally and far away, I have support when I need it, and yet I'm still alone a lot.  And I know I could ease some of that loneliness by reaching out...but then there's that whole pesky exhaustion and lack of time thing getting in the way again.

It's at this point that I'm sure someone out there wants to tell me to stop my whining, adding: "you asked for this!"

I did.  And I'd do it all over again.  But it is hard in ways that I never could have imagined.

And right now, something has to give.  There's a lot in life right now that I can't change.  But I am going to work on taking better care of myself physically.  I made an appointment with my family doctor to get a physical to make sure that there's no unsuspected health issue going on. I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment for a massage, and then book every other week massages until my neck and shoulder pain is significantly better. I hate taking extra time away from my kids, but this is something I have to do. I made an appointment (for the end of March, the earliest my schedule will allow) to see someone new to fix my hair color - that won't make my body feel any better, but it sure will make me feel better every time I look in the mirror.

I'm also going to make the time to blog more often.  Even if no one is still reading, it feels good to get everything down in writing.  I'll try not to complain quite so much next time.

Happy New Year!

When I was a kid, I always got the post-Christmas blues.  The magic and wonder was over, and it was such a let down.  Especially since it was also time to face a long winter of school and drudgery.

As I got older, the holidays were always just a little sad to begin with.  Each year I'd imagine that next year would be the year I'd finally be in a serious relationship, and then I even let myself imagine that I was just a few years away from having little ones of my own to celebrate with.  And each year I was disappointed.  At least until 6 years ago, that is, when I gave up on finding Mr. Right and took my first dose of Clomid ever on New Year's Eve, and one year after that, when I was finally pregnant with Finn.

I haven't felt any of that let down this year.  I've been chronically exhausted since Thanksgiving, but have had tons of stuff packed into the holidays and managed to get a good amount of shopping and decorating done without losing my mind. We didn't do everything I'd hoped to do, but I am pretty satisfied that this year I made Christmas a memorable and magical one for my boys - not because of the presents, but because of the season itself.

However, this past week I've watched Finn as he struggles with the same post-Christmas funk that I used to always get.  I got him to help me take down our outdoor Christmas lights, and that took the sting out of that.  But he's really resisting taking down Christmas inside.  So tonight, after bed, I got a lot of things put away - most everything that's not the trees, mantle or the Christmas village is safely stowed away. He's going to help me tomorrow - though I think I might give in and leave a few things out for a while if he asks again.

Before heading upstairs to bed tonight, I took one long look at my mantle, lit by just the lights of the Christmas tree.  And I looked at the two stockings hanging there.

"Finnegan" "Zachary"

And out of no where I started to cry. I am so very lucky. And oh my gosh it goes so fast.  If only there were a way to make it all slow down, just a little.  Well, maybe not all of it.  Some of it really sucks.  But the good stuff, the magic stuff, the every day mundane sticky kisses and sly grins - I want to savor that slowly, enjoying every last minute.

Happy 2016!