Preschool Jitters

Finn starts preschool next week. He's only going 3 days a week for 4 hours each day, but I'm so anxious. For the first time, he's going to be away from home and without either me or Nanny M. I know he'll adjust, and he'll probably thrive in the new environment, but I can't help but worry about him. Will he be sad all day?  Will he make friends?  We took him to meet his teacher yesterday, and he was so hesitant and shy and unsure of himself.  But we left with his new school issued backpack, which he wore the rest of the day and showed everyone. And he woke up this morning asking, "Is today my first day of school?  I'm so excited!"

He's also nervous, scared, anxious ("But Mommy, I'm going to be lonely when you leave!") and has been on the verge of tears all day.  Everything has set him off, from having trouble getting his shirt off to dropping a blueberry at supper.  Nanny M said he wasn't quite that bad for her all day, but between this morning and this evening, he had about 20 meltdowns with me.  I tried so hard to be empathic, and a few times he just melted into me when I told him it was ok to cry.  But I've had a rough week at work and really crappy sleep, so it was exhausting and I was only partially successful at my attempts to not be crabby mommy.  But the night ended with me coming back into his room after leaving him to deal with a fussy Zachary to have him sleepily grin up at me, "I knew you were coming back" followed by a huge hug and "I love you so much, Mommy."  He did fall asleep tonight a good hour earlier than he did yesterday, so I'm really hoping he's on a more even keel tomorrow.

Underlying all this is the fact that My Baby is Starting Preschool!  The next thing I know he's going to be going away to college.  Ok, so maybe I'm being a little melodramatic, but we're starting that point in childhood when days run one into the next, filled with sports, homework, friends and it's beginning of him starting to move away from being my little boy.  There are so many great things to look forward to with the kids getting older, but this really does feel like it's the end of an era for our little family.  And so I've been a bit of an emotional wreck this week, too.  And I know Tuesday will be even worse.  Please, please, please let me make it back to my car before I start to cry on Tuesday morning!

There's a bit more to my emotional fragility lately. After listening to Brene Brown's The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting a month or so ago, I decided I wanted to hear more.  I decided to listen to her audiobook The Power of Vulnerability (which is actually a recording a seminar she gave...I read the reviews of the audio versions of some of her actual books, and most people didn't like the reader's voice, so I went with something that she read, as listening to her is like listening to a friend).

The things she talks about in this book have led to a major shift in my thinking about myself and how I interact with the world.  A friend shared with me once that she felt like she went through life with an invisible wall between herself and the rest of the world - as she said it, I nodded to myself, because I saw myself in those words. I had no idea what to do about it (and I'm not even sure I let her know that I knew exactly what she was talking about).  Now that I've gotten through most of this book, I've discovered things about myself I'd never before realized.  And I know what I need to do to work on bringing down that wall.  And wow, is it going to take a LOT of work.  It will be worth it, though.  I can see how this will change how I interact with my kids, my family, my friends, my neighbors, even my patients - and how those changes are going to allow me to truly live a wholehearted life. I'm not at all describing what it is that she says that's so powerful, so I found two quotes from her books that say it better than anything I've tried to come up with.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”  

It's exciting.  It's scary.  It's daunting.  (A lot like Finn must feel, thinking about starting preschool!) I suspect I'm going to fail more than I'm going to succeed, especially at first, and I'll probably be a work in progress for a very long time. I wish I had time to find someone to help me work through all this, but right now I think I'm going to be going through it on my own.  Though I'm sure some of my work will be written about here, so maybe not entirely on my own.

I started this post feeling so tired, so overwhelmed, so stressed. Somehow writing all this out has me feeling empowered and energized.  I'm not sure how that happened, but I'm not going to complain!

**Some of you may know that Brene Brown has done a few TED talks that have gone viral, The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame.  Neither of these are titles that would have grabbed my attention even a few months ago, so I encourage you to take a few minutes to listen if you've never heard her before.

Busy Week

Hi cows!

We've had a busy week this past week, but we've had some really fun times, too.  Sunday I took the boys to explore a local park/greenway - it's actually the same place we went to take my maternity pictures, but of course at the time all we did was pose for pictures then.

It has miles of trails, but we were a little limited by the stroller.  And by the fact that the wide, hard packed trail we started out on crossed a creek.  A creek that was too deep to take the stroller through. There's a great swinging bridge that goes across the creek...but not workable with the stroller.  But we still had a great time.  We visited the horses and cows, ran back and forth across the bridge while Zachary slept in the stroller, looked at the bugs in the creek and had a little picnic.  My plan is to start going almost every weekend, it was just that great.  This weekend we'll go back to the same place, but the following weekend I'll be able to leave Zachary with my mom and Finn and I will go with my dad to check out another trail that might be stroller friendly.  I'm so glad to find this place; I'm so envious of everyone who has easy access to great outdoor spaces and so very thankful to have discovered that we have a great place so close by.

Swinging Bridge

We had a pretty good picture week, too!  Zachary is just full of smiles these days and we're getting out more, which also makes for better pictures.

8/20/14: chillin' in the swing

8/21/14: purple potato dinner

8/22/14: all smiles

8/23/14: his first dinner at Moe's (he had carrots)

8/24/14: waiting patiently in the stroller while Mommy and Finn played on the bridge

8/25/14: Monsters Inc boys (Finn's new haircut does look better than it appears in this pic)

8/26/14: with a smile like that, I wish I'd been focusing on his face instead of his feet

Special Time

Every working mom struggles at some point with making sure she has a good connection with her kids, trying to be sure she gets that mythical quality time in every week (I suspect every stay at home mom does this, too, but as I'm not a SAHM, I'm just guessing).  I've found that the weeks that I have time to really connect with Finn are usually the weeks that his behavior is much easier to handle, so it's clear it means a lot to him, too. In Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, Dr. Markham suggests setting aside 10-15 minutes every day with each child for one on one "Special Time."  She says this time needs to be without distraction (no phones) and just with one child.  One day the time is spent doing something the child chooses, and the next time it's the parent's choice.  (And she has suggestions for games that would be good for helping kids let of emotional energy and reconnecting at the same time.)

It is amazing how powerful a tool this has been in our house. Finn loves his "Special Finnegan Time" and remembers each time who gets to decide what we're going to do.  Unfortunately, I'm really struggling with how to do this with just me and two kids.  If Zachary falls asleep easily and relatively early, it's easy to do before bedtime routine.  But most nights he's not asleep until it's already time for Finn to start getting ready for bed.  And I don't really like doing it so close to bed on the evenings we decide on an energetic or loud activity (tonight Finn wanted to play musical instruments while singing "Let it Go" - thank goodness no one else could hear us!)  I suggested to Finn that during the week we try to do it while Zachary is awake and in the room with us, but when he's happy playing on his own.  Finn agreed, so we're going to try that the rest of the week and see how it goes.

Zachary's little personality is really blooming these days.  He's inquisitive, grabs everything he can, watches everything, still loves to be held nonstop and laughs all the time.  I love when Finn does something to make him laugh, and then Finn starts laughing at Zachary laughing.  The two of them already seem to have their own language, and I just love watching them.  And then Finn gets mad because Zachary grabbed something of his, and I get to experience our first cases of sibling fighting.

This week's pictures:

8/13/14: his blue eyes are gradually changing color

8/14/14: playing with Finn's magna-doodle

8/15/14: who is that in the mirror?

8/16/14: gimme that phone!

8/17/14: We're on a boat, Mommy!

8/17/14 (part 2):  I just liked this picture (we're hanging out in the garage while Finn rides his bike)

8/18/14: 6 month check up - 25lbs, 29 inches long

8/19/14: now this is what phones are supposed to be used for

Dreams of Routines

One of the most frustrating things about having kids is that just when you think you've got a good routine going, something changes and it throws everything off.  And right now, the big thing is that we just can't quite settle into a good routine.  I feel *so close* to getting into that elusive groove where we have a routine that works, but I just can't quite get there.  Even though I know it will be transient, especially with a baby in the house, I sure hope I can find a good routine that works for us, soon.

Friday afternoon, Finn had his 3 year check up (a few months late).  He's smack dab in the 60th percentile for weight and height (39 inches and 34 pounds), and was such a joy in the appointment.  As his pediatrician walked out of the room he turned to me and grinned, "That was fun!"  We then stopped at a card store to buy a birthday present for Nanny M.  The clerk in the store glared at us when we walked in, but Finn was the perfect shopper, listening to me when I told him to look instead of touch, and did a stellar job of picking out Nanny M's birthday presents.  (Though he insisted on adding a toothbrush to her gift bag when we were at Targ.et - my assistant gave him a couple of toothbrushes last week that light up, and he now thinks toothbrushes are the very. best. gift. ever.) We had such a lovely afternoon.  I'm really going to have to find a way to make sure we get one on one time like that away from home a little more often.  Dr. Laura Markham recommends giving each child 15 minutes of "special time" every day.  I just cannot figure out how to do that with two kids and one parent.  I've managed to do "Finnegan Time" a few days, and he loves it, but it's such a struggle to figure out how to fit it in. Again, that elusive routine that works.

Here's this week's pictures (I swear, this 365 project is the main thing that keeps me posting on a regular basis!)

8/6/14: not a great picture, but I just love the way Z is touching his big brother

8/7/14: F got everyone sick this past week - and poor Z need a lot of rocking and snuggling

8/8/14: green beans are messy! (pic by Nanny M, feeding by mommy)

8/9/14: Zachary's room has the best late afternoon light - there will be many more pics in here

8/10/14: he's a much happier baby now that it's easier for him to sit up

8/11/14: hi mom!

8/12/14: such a cute face

Six Months!

Zachary is 6 months old today!  I can't quite believe it - the months have just flown by, but my short time on maternity leave already feels like a lifetime ago.  Finn has brought us all down with a cold, so it wasn't the most festive of half-birthdays, but it has still been a good day.

He is such a different baby than his big brother.  I am trying hard not to compare them when talking to them, but it's hard not to do comparisons in my mind. Zachary is about 5 pounds heavier than Finn at this age (he's 25 pounds) and longer as well, and currently wearing size 9-12 month clothes.  He has been eating solids since over a month ago and loves it.  It was a hard fight to get Finn to each solids, but Zachary liked the oatmeal we started with and he loves every other food he's tried since then, from avocado to prunes to green beans to sweet potatoes.  It rarely takes him long to fall asleep (sleep was already a battle at this age with Finn) and since I've started giving him solid food for dinner at night he's sleeping better.  Even with a cold, he allowed me a solid SIX hours of sleep a couple of nights ago.  I haven't had that much uninterrupted sleep since early pregnancy and it was wonderful.  (And with all this sleep I've been having some seriously crazy dreams.)

He is full of smiles, even when he doesn't feel well, and laughs a lot.  He adores his older brother and watches him constantly. It is so wonderful to watch them together.  The other night I was fussing at Finn for waking up Zachary just as he had fallen asleep, and those two boys looked at each other and shared identical mischievous smiles.  All I could think was, "Damn, I am in SO much trouble."

Zachary wakes up happy, and is fully of cheerful babbling.  He still wants to be held constantly, but is more content being put down now that he can sit in his high chair comfortably.  And I think he's finally the right stage to be able to put him in a carrier on my back (he's much too big to be comfortable with a front carry).

Here's the week in pictures! Every single one is a phone picture - it's been that kind of week.

7/30/14: this is what dinnertime looks like in our house these days

7/31/14: still loving his toes!

8/1/14: these sweet potatoes are delicious!

8/2/14: could this kid have more rolls? 

8/3/14: I like mangos, too!

8/4/14: taken just after these two shared a grin

8/5/14: sleepy boy with a cold (and in this picture you can see that his hair is starting to grow!)

Bedtime Routines

Since I went back to work, Zachary has been doing most of the bedtime routine with us and it was working well.  But this past week, Zachary has become increasingly fussy as the night wore on - clearly, he needed an earlier bedtime.  So for the past few nights, Finn and I have gone upstairs a little early, and Finn has played or looked at books while I nurse Zachary and get him to sleep.  It's not easy for Finn to be quiet, so it probably takes a little longer than it should, but I'm gradually getting Zachary back to being able to fall asleep on his own (he lost this skill when his teeth started to come in), and then Finn and I have some good one on one time after Zachary is asleep.

Tonight, Zachary nursed for much longer than usual and Finn got bored.  First he had to go to the bathroom (which he is completely capable of handling on his own).  Then he decided to go ahead and take all of his clothes off.  Just as I was leaving the room, Finn walked back in.  "Mommy," he whispered, "There's pee-pee dripping everywhere."  "Uh-oh," I said as I walked to the bathroom.  "No, Mommy, not in there!"

He led me into his room.  "My airplanes were hungry, so I fed them." His airplanes were hungry?  I was confused, until he held up his two wooden planes for me to investigate. The noses of both planes were damp.  And there were lots of little wet spots on the floor.

"Sweetie, airplanes don't eat pee-pee."
"But they're hungry.  What are they going to eat?"
"They eat pretend food.  But nobody eats pee-pee."

It was so unexpected, I couldn't even be mad.  I did have to ask him what he was thinking when he did it.  "I was thinking they were hungry. And then I was thinking 'this is a bad idea.'"

He helped me clean up, and promised he would never pee on the floor again.  Or on his toys.

And now for this week of Zachary pictures:

7/23/14: bedtime selfie

7/24/14: brothers hanging out in Zachary's room

7/25/14: hanging out in the bathroom

7/26/14: playing with Nanny M at a birthday party

7/27/14: Z's first ride in a grocery cart

7/28/14: Z's first bite of apple (pic by Finn)

7/29/14: "I don't mind hand-me-downs, but can't you get me pjs without holes in the feet?"

Deep Breath

I called the oncologist's office this morning, and at lunchtime a nurse called to give me the good news.  Everything looks nice and stable - no changes in the residual tumor.  Even though this is wonderful news, it took a few deep breaths to get that message from my brain to the rest of my body.  I didn't realize just how keyed up I was about the results until I heard the good news.  It's possible that pesky insomnia that's been keeping me from falling asleep the past few weeks might be related to this MRI.  I guess we'll see tonight!

I'm going to have a whole post about it later, but just one week into listening to Peaceful Parent, Happy Child, I have found it to be transformative in how I feel as a parent. I knew something was missing in our relationship, that there was something Finn needed that I was missing, and this was it.  Empathy.  So simple, and yet so profound. The MRI was really rough on Finn, and his behavior has reflected this over the past few days.  I have been so much better equipped to handle his behavior, and as a result, he went to sleep tonight with a smile on his face, despite a few tricky moments earlier in the night that would usually have led to both of us being upset and exhausted. I'm looking forward to continuing to work on my peaceful parenting skills and seeing how our relationship grows and strengthens in the process.

No News is Good News?

pre-MRI selfie

I woke Finn up early yesterday morning, "Today is MRI day? I'm so excited!"  He thought it was hilarious that I caught his pee in a cup, and asked if I had it with me multiple times through the morning. He was excited to get his bracelet in registration, and loved the toys in the waiting room, but his excitement disappeared the second we stepped back into the MRI suite.  

We had a new anesthesiologist - a young guy just out of training who was relaxed and easy-going with Finn, introducing himself as Matt with a fist bump for Finn and a smile for me.  Finn adamantly refused to even consider drinking the Versed - he remembered the "yucky medicine" from a few scans ago and was having none of it.  He was clearly nervous, so Matt tried to talk him into it, but Finn was having none of it.  But - for the first time - I was allowed to come back into the MRI room with Finn.  I carried him in and held him while they told him it was time for his astronaut mask and brought it to his face.  And that's when he shocked us all by absolutely freaking out.  Screaming, kicking - he was having none of it.  We struggled for a minute (as I got whiffs of the gas - yuck), and then I turned him around in my lap so his back was against me and I could hold his arms down.  He still screamed and cried, but was asleep in seconds.

The nurse (who we know well) walked me back to the waiting room and reassured me that I'd made the right decision.  She thought that if I'd pressed the Versed, we would have fought him trying to get him to drink it, he wouldn't have gotten any in, and then we would have still had to fight him in MRI. I hope she's right.

This was the fastest MRI day ever.  We barely waited after checking in, and they were done with the MRI and the ultrasound in just under 2 hours.  He had just woken up when I got upstairs, and I was able to climb on to the stretcher with him and snuggle.  Poor Finn cried and fought when they checked his temp, again when they put the pulse ox on his toe, and again when they took the IV out.  He was hoarse and sounded so miserable.  At one point as I held him I said, "I know this is scary, you are so brave." He said, "I'm not brave." He sounded so pitiful.  I explained to him that being brave means doing something even when you're scared, but I'm not sure if he understood.

He did perk up when it was time to leave, and one of the nurses pushed us down to our car in the wheelchair (ALL the way to our car, talk about great customer service!) and he was just about completely calmed down by the time he was buckled into his car seat.

playing with a craft project while waiting for Dr. B

Our visit with the oncologist was also fast.  He got his blood count checked (another stick, but just in his finger and he was so good and patient, though he clearly didn't like it), and then we met with Dr. B.  His ultrasound and blood counts looked good, but the MRI results weren't back yet.  I've carried my phone with me nonstop, but still haven't heard anything.  And today was so crazy, that by the time I had time to call, the office was closed.  I'm fairly certain I would have heard something by now if there was anything bad on the MRI, but of course I'm still anxious, and won't feel relief until I hear from Dr. B.  If she doesn't call by the time I take my break to pump on Monday, I'll call her.

headed home

After getting Finn settled at home, I spent the afternoon out.  I did some shopping, bought some new clothes, and got a manicure and a pedicure - wonderfully relaxing.

Bedtime was rougher than usual - but I remembered what I'd been learning from Dr. Laura Markham's book, and kept my cool.  And then as we snuggled in bed, I asked Finn how getting the MRI made him feel.  "Sad.  I didn't like that mask." "And how did it make you feel that I helped them hold the mask on your face?" "Bad." My heart hurt hearing him tell me what I already knew was true.

I hugged him close and told him I was sorry that I had to help them, and I was sorry that he'd been so scared.  How do you explain why you have to do something like that to a 3 year old?  I couldn't do it.  I just told him he needed the MRI to make sure he was healthy, and then told him again that I was sorry, and that I hoped his next MRI wouldn't be so bad.

He snuggled up next to me and said, "Next time, I think I want to drink the yucky medicine."  And then he went on to tell me, "Tell those guys, those MRI guys, that I want to take that mask and throw it in the street so cars will drive over it and break it and then they can never use it again!"

We had lots of snuggle time today, but not as much time for roughhousing as I think Finn needed, because it scared Zachary. So Finn and I have a date for a ticklefest tomorrow when Zachary is napping.  Followed by more snuggle time.