Lessons from The Doctor

I've gotten pretty good with scheduling my week - every Monday I'm filling in my calendar for the week with the tasks I need to do in the evening, and I'm (usually) sticking to it.  I'm still not getting everything done though, and I have no idea how on earth I'm going to get it all done when I start studying for boards.  Not to mention how I'll get it all done when I have two babies.  It worries me a lot.  I am so glad that I have Finn, and I desperately hope for another baby, but I'm worried about how I'm going to make it work when we become a family of three.

Right now there's usually a little time for blogging or commenting in the evening, but I'm afraid that's getting to be less and less.  Which doesn't make me happy - the support, knowledge and entertainment that I find from the blogging community has helped keep me sane.


To add to all this, a few weeks ago I discovered Doctor Who (don't tune out, this is all related, I swear!) I was looking for something on Netflix to have on in the background while I do my paperwork every night.  I'd always thought it would be something I'd like, and it turns out I was right.

At first, I would actually get work done while watching the episodes, but the more I watched, the more I was sucked into the characters, and I began to get very little work done while watching.  This is the first time since I've been back at work after maternity leave that I have found myself watching tv (or a movie) without doing something else.  At first it felt frivolous, but then it began to feel essential.

I love good stories and good storytelling - books, movies or tv, it doesn't matter.  And yet I've all but given up on them in the past year and a half.  The counselor I met for my DE cycle clearance mentioned that I needed to find time for myself.  When she said that, I thought that time with my online friends was probably enough, though I did admit that I could probably stand to have more evenings out with friends and without Finn.  But the sheer enjoyment I've found from a 43 minute episode of Dr. Who has made it pretty obvious that it's not enough.  I need to find the time to indulge in some quality tv time every week.  (Books are out, as I know I'd stay up all night reading if I started a good book!)  It seems crazy, but watching one or two episodes a week helps me feel more centered in life.  I guess it's the act of letting my mind relax and just be entertained without any other thought than the fun in the story that I've really been missing.

I really don't know how I'm going to figure this all out.  If anyone has any suggestions, please share!  I love my life...but I desperately need to figure out how to get more time in the day, and to find a little time that is just for me.

I'll end this post with pictures from our walk in the "woods" after the snow had mostly melted last weekend.  It was a wonderful hour in the chilly sunlight; I'm looking forward to more of these types of afternoons!

Toddler Mama

Such a little man

Finn hit the Terrible Twos a few months ago - about 6 months before he actually turns two.  There were days where everything was a struggle, from getting out of bed in the morning to putting on pjs at night.  He'd fight and scream about everything I asked him to do, and there were countless stand downs over the simplest of requests, every day.  It was starting to be easier just to give in to everything he wanted, and I know that is not the right thing to do, but I had no idea what the right thing actually was.  I felt tired and frustrated, and was feeling like a failure as a mom.

Then I remembered that I'd started to read the Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp when Finn turned one.  It didn't seem to apply to us then, so I'd put it aside.  I rarely have time to do much reading, but I stayed up late to read this book, and it was worth every second of sleep I missed out on!

According to the Happiest Toddler on the Block, the four big struggles parents of toddlers face are:

• We don't get enough help and guidance.
• Daily battles can make us feel like failures.
• Our toddlers' actions can "push our buttons."
• Our temperaments may clash with our children's.

Boy, do I relate to every one of those struggles.  

The book outlines some fairly simple ways to overcome these issues - the first one being solved by just having the tools he suggests as options.  It's amazing how much better just having some ideas about what to do when Finn throws a fit, or when he hits me, or when he says, "NO!" Especially when he says no.  Because sometimes the thing I ask him to do is no big deal (like helping me out by picking up some trash) and sometimes it's a very big deal (like not standing up in his high chair).  I'm pretty sure he knew I had no idea how to handle that, and so he was starting to get the upper hand - and I swear that made him as irritable as it made me.  

Since I've read this book, Finn hasn't been magically cured of the Terrible Twos.  But I feel as though I've been magically cured of my feelings of frustration and inadequacy.  Even when I don't get it right, at least I know I have some idea of how to handle this stage. What a difference that makes!

The first thing Dr. Karp says toddler parents should do is to learn to communicate with toddler brains, especially angry or frustrated toddler brains.  Their verbal skills aren't good enough to understand the calm, logical and longwinded statements we (or at least I) tend to use when faced with a tantrum.  Instead, they understand very short, very simple sentences - he calls it Toddlerese.  He recommends using Toddlerese to acknowledge your child's feelings when they're angry or frustrated, so they can feel heard and understood, even if you aren't going to give in.  

This is absolute brilliance.  Just using this very first suggestion has changed our days drastically. Instead of huge fights and stare downs, we have mini-tantrums that are over almost before they begin.  Let me give an example.  Finn hates getting his pjs on at night.  He'll do anything at all to put it off, and usually I have to grab him and force him (kicking and screaming) to get changed.  It's always an ordeal, and was making our evenings miserable.  But now, I let him avoid changing for a little bit.  I play his game, and let him feel like he's winning just for a bit.  And then when it's finally really time to put on his pjs, I grab him and tell him what we're going to do. He always screams.  Instead of fighting, I say, "Finn says No! No! No! No pjs! No pjs, Mommy!" And every single time he calms down, says, "No pjs, Mommy!" and then quietly lets me change his clothes.  

It works with almost everything he throws a fit about.  Not all things - and sometimes I think it's my fault, because I don't do the Toddlerese well, or I overdo it on reflecting his feelings back - but usually it works like a charm.  I sometimes will then calmly say something like, "But Mommy says, yes, yes it's time to turn off the water," but a lot of times I don't have to say anything.  I've heard his objections, and he's fine with knowing he's not going to win. 

Another of Dr. Karp's suggestions is what he calls gossip.  You know how you never really believe it if a friend tells you that you look pretty?  But then if you were to overhear that same friend telling someone else that you look pretty - well, that you believe, because you weren't meant to hear it.  Same thing works for toddlers.  So I now make a point of telling the cats about things that Finn has done that make me happy.  Tonight I said (in a stage whisper) to Vagus, "Guess what Finn did tonight?  He let me brush his teeth, all his teeth, so they were nice and sparkly clean! It makes me so happy when he opens his mouth wide like that.  He's such a big boy." Finn came walking into the bathroom then, with a huge grin on his face. "Oh, hi Finn! I was just talking to Vagus." Finn then went to Vagus and said, "Brush teeth!" and opened his mouth wide.  Vagus was nice enough to look impressed. And hopefully Finn will remember that tomorrow, when it's time to brush his teeth again.

Dr. Karp also gives permission to give in to our toddler's demands.  He says it's ok to let them win sometimes, to turn that no into a yes, or to not persist if he just won't pick up that piece of trash that you asked him to pick up.  He has suggestions on how to handle the act of giving in, and even says that it's good for their psyche to actually win some of the time.  He has an entire section on how to encourage good behavior (such as gossip) and ways to stop bad behavior. I haven't had to use the "red light" recommendations more than a time or two since I read the book, but they worked just as well as all his other suggestions have.  

There's also a video - which somehow ended up in my video collection, but I've never watched.  I still have a few chapters left to read in the book, so I'm not sure I'll ever get around to watching the video, but it might be a nice review in a few months when our battles have changed and I need a refresher.  I'll let you know if I end up watching it someday.  

If you're struggling with toddlerhood, I highly recommend this book.  It's restored the fun and stability in our short evenings together, and I'm back to looking forward to weekends again. 

Answers to Questions

I've had a few questions in the comments of my recent posts that I thought about answering in the comment section, but then decided they deserved a blog post of their own.  So here they are!

Have you considered adoption?
Absolutely. I always thought I'd adopt, and never considered that I would try to get pregnant twice, much less try to get pregnant with donor egg and donor sperm.  But the reality is that is it HARD to adopt, especially as a single woman who already has one child.  It might be possible, but it would likely take me years and probably cost a bunch more than a DE cycle would.  Foster to adopt is a lot less expensive, of course, but that's not an easy way, either, and I'm just not willing to bring a child into my home and into Finn's life if there's a chance that he or she wouldn't become a permanent part of our family.  And so while I considered it, adoption just isn't right for me.

When are you planning to do your DE cycle?
I'm really excited to get going and would love to start meds next month if I could.  But since I have to travel to Atlanta for the transfer, it makes more sense to aim for a time when work isn't as busy.  Ok, so work is never not busy, but my schedule 4 months out isn't heavily booked yet.  I decided I'd try to have my transfer at the end of May (over Memorial Day weekend) and I've blocked my work schedule for the Friday before and the Tuesday after the long weekend.  Of course, there's always the chance that my lining might not cooperate and I'll have to have it done over another weekend, but I'm planning the best I possibly can!

Are you really sure you're ready to give up on your own eggs?
This is a pretty valid question.  And the quick answer is yes, I'm sure.

I don't really see it as giving up on anything - instead I see it as a chance to finally complete my family.  For the few months before my last IUI I took a lot of supplements (I still have a post about that in my drafts folder that I really need to finish), I followed a very healthy, low carb diet, limited caffeine, had no alcohol, got plenty of sleep and did all the things I possibly could to improve my egg quality. Now that I'm moving on to donor eggs, I'm actually relieved to be able to have a Diet Coke or a glass of wine with dinner without guilt, and eat a doughnut without wondering if I'm sacrificing my chance at having another baby. While I know the donor egg might not work the first time around, or at all, I feel such a sense of relief knowing that I've chosen a path that is much more likely to give me another child.  I completely understand that this is not the choice everyone would make, or that other women might make this choice only after making a lot more efforts with their own eggs first.  And that's ok.  Because this is the right choice for me and for Finn. The further into the process I get, the more sure I am.  That's a pretty great feeling.  This whole trying to conceive thing is hard enough as it is, without adding a bunch of self doubt on top of it.

*****************

Finn had his first ever real haircut today.  He decided to be shy and didn't want to sit in the chair by himself, but he was fine sitting in my lap while the lovely Iesha cut his hair (while we talked about her struggles with PCOS and IF, if you can believe it).  Nanny M has cut his bangs a few times, but his hair is long and fine and just a mess.  Well, it WAS a mess.  Now it's still a little long, but with a few layers making his curls stand out more, and a nice shape to his bangs.  He likes it, too, he kept running his hands through his hair after it was cut. We celebrated at a (new to me) amazingly good Mexican restaurant before naptime where I was sorely tempted by their margarita menu, but I did need to drive us home. Darn it.

Prehaircut

Prehaircut 

Post haircut

His "say cheese" face (which is why I never tell him to say cheese!)

Yes, those are black beans on his face.

Psych Consult

I had my psych consult today - a required part of the donor egg (DE) process by my new clinic.  I know some clinics require anyone using donor sperm (DS) to have a psych consult first, but my clinic didn't, so this was a new experience for me.

The appointment got off to an interesting start. The doctor's receptionist came to get me, and brought me back to a conference room.  "This test is going to take about an hour and a half to two hours to take..."  Me: "Test, I thought I was meeting with the doctor?" Her: "No, this is where you take the personality test.  If today doesn't work, you can come back and do it tomorrow." Me: "Are you sure?  I really thought I was meeting with the doctor today." Her: "Maybe I have the wrong patient...aren't you here to be evaluated to be a donor?"

At 41, it's awfully flattering that she thought I was a potential donor, instead of a recipient! If only my eggs looked as young as I apparently do.

I ended up talking with Dr. G for about an hour.  She asked me some questions about myself, and about how I'm handling being a single mom, how I handle stress, what sort of support I have, if I have a will...nice, easy conversation.  Then she asked me about what I'm planning on telling my children, which of course is full disclosure.  She had some amazingly great suggestions for telling - in a way that I had never before considered.  I've told Finn his story several times lately, just to get a feel for it. He has no interest, of course, but since it's something I want him to always know, I thought this was a good idea.

She suggested being even more low key about it - if I don't make a big deal out of it, he won't, either.  (She gave her suggestions based on telling about donor eggs, but it can work with donor sperm, too. ) Starting at around age 3, she suggested mentioning how, "When a mommy wants to have a baby, she needs to make sure she has plenty of eggs." And then later, as the child gets older, "When mommy decided to have another baby, she realized she was out of eggs.  But she wasn't worried, she went to see a doctor who had plenty of eggs that other people had donated."  She then made a suggestion that had never before crossed my mind: to avoid humanizing the donors as much as possible.  Use the term donor (which I already do) and to not refer to the donor with anything like, "a really nice person" - which is exactly what I'd been wanting to do.  Her reasoning makes sense - these people won't play any role in my children's life except for donating some cells.  If they only think of them as just "donors" at an early age, they'll be less likely to want to know more about them, to want to have a relationship with them later, or to feel as though something is missing because they don't know their donors.  Later, when my kids are older, she said it's ok to acknowledge that they were likely very nice people, but to make it clear that they were also probably getting paid to donate, as well.

She further recommended that I make sure they understand what donating means, by including them in donations of clothes and household goods to Goodwill (donating objects that we don't need to an agency that distributes them to those who do need them), or to blood donation.  All of these make perfect sense to me, and feel much more natural than what I had been trying to do.  The session was worth it, just for that.

I am now almost completely done with my requirements for RBA.  I have to get my consents signed and notarized, and a couple more labs from my OB/Gyn forwarded to them, and then I'll be ready to choose a donor.  It's just 3 weeks since I decided to go this route, I can't believe it's all moved so fast!

Wordless Wedneday

Even with travel and prunes for breakfast this morning there was only one poopy diaper today, and none yesterday.  The rest was in the potty!  Yay Finn!

Just What the Doctor Ordered

I'm kicking off my board review studying with a review course this week. There were two I considered - this one on Marco Island in Florida, or one in Boston in March.  As much as I love Boston, the beach in January sounded much more appealing!

We had an early morning flight, and were checked into our room by lunchtime.  We quickly changed into clothes appropriate for 84 degree weather, and then ate our lunch by the pool.  We then spent hours by the wonderful kiddie pool, with a short diversion on the beach, where Finn was terrified by the sea gulls (which really do look big enough to carry him away).

Nanny M and I took turns with Finn in the water before we went to the beach, and when we came back, Nanny M relaxed in the sun while Finn and I played.  We sat in the shallow end, then went into the deeper water where we spun and splashed and blew bubbles and had a wonderful time.  All the while, Finn said over and over again, "Happy happy happy!" punctuated with lots of hugs, kisses and giggles.

Such a lovely day.

Better Night

On our ice walk

We were hit with an icy mix of sleet and freezing rain today, and I made the executive decision to close the office at noon, as most of our patients had already called to cancel as it was.  I got home (after the obligatory stop at the grocery store) while Finn was napping, and seriously considered taking a nap, too.  I probably should have, but instead worked industriously to get some paperwork done before he woke up.

We had a lovely afternoon, and even ventured outside to walk on the ice covered grass (the sidewalks were too slippery) for a few minutes.  And I dreaded bedtime the entire time.  But luckily it was a much better night. He fought it for a bit, but was sound asleep within 15 minutes.

Several of you asked about what I was going to do with our sleep issues long term.  I need to preface that answer with a little summary of how we got here.  He has always been a difficult sleeper (and it's possible that I've always been a pushover).  I will never forget one of those first nights in the hospital when I was so exhausted that I let the nursery keep him so I could sleep.  The nurse came in with a crying baby hours before I expected her, "I'm so sorry, but we've tried everything and he just won't stop crying." As soon as Finn heard my voice he stopped crying, and immediately fell asleep the second I picked him up.  He refused to sleep in the bedside cosleeper, for weeks only sleeping if he was being held.  As he got older, I tried to put him down before he was completely asleep, but all that accomplished was another 20-30 minutes of holding and/or rocking before he would stay asleep.  I tried a modified version of cry it out, and he beat me down and outcried my ability to outlast him.  This past summer, I walked him to sleep every night, and loved it.  He slept and I got in a workout.  But when the weather turned colder, and it got dark really early, that stopped.  And I struggled with putting him down in the crib, and dealing with him crying and fussing.  Bedtime was an hour or more of pure misery.  I knew rocking him to sleep would work, but I didn't want to do that for fear of ruining him for life.

And then I read the The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers. In it, she says that if the routine of rocking your child to sleep (or staying with them in their room until they fall asleep) doesn't bother you, then there's no need to change it.  I suddenly felt free of guilt, and was able to rock him to sleep with minimal fuss most nights.  I love the cuddle time, and it's easy.  Usually.

I'm pretty sure that last night's cry-fest was brought on by more than just his refusal to sleep. I really am exhausted.  I had a very hard time falling asleep during my two week wait and got horrible sleep (this despite the fact that Finn was sleeping from 8pm to 7am or later every night in his crib). Then I got my BFN and was trying to decide what my next step would be, and could barely sleep those nights, either.  I was finally getting back on track with my sleep when Finn got sick and his sleep went to hell.  So I think I've averaged about 5-6 hours of sleep a night for the past month.  That (plus all that the past month has brought with it) has left me a little emotionally fragile.  All your supportive comments to my post yesterday were just what I needed, and are much appreciated!

But to get back to the sleep plan - I've already instituted one change, and that involves me getting ready for bed when Finn does.  I brushed my teeth when he did, he washed his face while I washed my face, and we both got our pjs on together.  That should make it easier for me to go upstairs and get straight into bed, instead of messing around for 30 minutes once I finally turn off the computer and go upstairs.  And it made our nighttime routine fun and easy, since Finn loves doing what I do.

Once I'm safely pregnant, I'll be turning the guest bedroom into Finn's room, and plan on having him start sleeping in there (in a big boy bed) well before the baby arrives.  So as my belly gets bigger, we'll stop rocking to sleep and start with me sitting by him in his bed as he falls asleep (which also works well now, if we're out of town and don't have a rocker). The author of the No Cry Sleep Solution has a chapter that will walk me through gradually transitioning Finn from needing me by his side, to being able to fall asleep without me in the room.  And by the time I'm that pregnant, he should be old enough to be able to handle the change.

In the meantime, I really hope the horrible nights are over for awhile.  I'm going to take advantage of the sleeping baby while I can, and go to sleep now, even though it's not even 10pm yet.

Sleep

We've had over a month of fairly easy bedtimes.  Most nights, Finn has fallen asleep within 10 minutes of sitting down in the glider, and he's been staying asleep.  There have been many nights that he's slept the entire night in his crib, and when he does wake up and want to come to bed with me, it's not been until 3-4 in the morning.  I've been really happy with this routine.  I really enjoy the cuddle time, and how easy it is to get him to sleep.

Until this week.  Poor baby has another bad cold, and he's fighting sleep.  Most nights it's taken 40+ minutes of rocking for him to fall asleep, and then he's waking up as early as 10pm.  Those early nights have come with lots of crying, and have required a lot of rocking to calm him down.  One night he just wouldn't fall back to sleep for over two hours.  Then when he does fall asleep, he's been waking up multiple times a night, crying.  Sometimes it's just for a minute, but there's been a few nights of more rocking back to sleep at 1am.  I am exhausted.

Then today was a stressful day at work, and Finn was grumpy when I got home.  He would be fine and happy one minute, and the next he'd be crying and screaming.  Typical tired toddler behavior, I think, and also exhausting.  We read fewer stories at bedtime than usual, but otherwise did our usual bedtime routine, and he seemed ready to sleep.  But when we started rocking, he would not fall asleep.  After 40 minutes, I was tired and ready to be done.  I finally told him that he was just going to have to go in his crib - I gently set him down and he immediately stood up and started crying, "Rock, rock! Mommy, rock!"  I tried to soothe him, but it didn't work.  He got more and more worked up, and I could tell he was going to be crying for at least another 30 minutes.  I didn't want to be inconsistent and pick him up again, but the thought of another 30 minutes of him not sleeping, and this time crying and fussing was too much for me in my exhausted state.  And so I sat down on the floor and cried.  Serious, deep sobbing. Poor Finn.  He looked at me and yelled, "MOMMY!" and then he really started crying - wailing - like I've never heard him cry.  He was in so much distress that I had to pick him up.  He leaned back in my arms, still crying, and touched my face.  "Mommy." And then he put his arms around me, put his head on my shoulder and we both cried.

Once we sat back down in the glider, he calmed down.  He looked up at me again, touched my hair and said, "Mommy crying. Mommy sad." Then he closed his eyes and went to sleep.