Wordless Wedneday

Even with travel and prunes for breakfast this morning there was only one poopy diaper today, and none yesterday.  The rest was in the potty!  Yay Finn!

Just What the Doctor Ordered

I'm kicking off my board review studying with a review course this week. There were two I considered - this one on Marco Island in Florida, or one in Boston in March.  As much as I love Boston, the beach in January sounded much more appealing!

We had an early morning flight, and were checked into our room by lunchtime.  We quickly changed into clothes appropriate for 84 degree weather, and then ate our lunch by the pool.  We then spent hours by the wonderful kiddie pool, with a short diversion on the beach, where Finn was terrified by the sea gulls (which really do look big enough to carry him away).

Nanny M and I took turns with Finn in the water before we went to the beach, and when we came back, Nanny M relaxed in the sun while Finn and I played.  We sat in the shallow end, then went into the deeper water where we spun and splashed and blew bubbles and had a wonderful time.  All the while, Finn said over and over again, "Happy happy happy!" punctuated with lots of hugs, kisses and giggles.

Such a lovely day.

Better Night

On our ice walk

We were hit with an icy mix of sleet and freezing rain today, and I made the executive decision to close the office at noon, as most of our patients had already called to cancel as it was.  I got home (after the obligatory stop at the grocery store) while Finn was napping, and seriously considered taking a nap, too.  I probably should have, but instead worked industriously to get some paperwork done before he woke up.

We had a lovely afternoon, and even ventured outside to walk on the ice covered grass (the sidewalks were too slippery) for a few minutes.  And I dreaded bedtime the entire time.  But luckily it was a much better night. He fought it for a bit, but was sound asleep within 15 minutes.

Several of you asked about what I was going to do with our sleep issues long term.  I need to preface that answer with a little summary of how we got here.  He has always been a difficult sleeper (and it's possible that I've always been a pushover).  I will never forget one of those first nights in the hospital when I was so exhausted that I let the nursery keep him so I could sleep.  The nurse came in with a crying baby hours before I expected her, "I'm so sorry, but we've tried everything and he just won't stop crying." As soon as Finn heard my voice he stopped crying, and immediately fell asleep the second I picked him up.  He refused to sleep in the bedside cosleeper, for weeks only sleeping if he was being held.  As he got older, I tried to put him down before he was completely asleep, but all that accomplished was another 20-30 minutes of holding and/or rocking before he would stay asleep.  I tried a modified version of cry it out, and he beat me down and outcried my ability to outlast him.  This past summer, I walked him to sleep every night, and loved it.  He slept and I got in a workout.  But when the weather turned colder, and it got dark really early, that stopped.  And I struggled with putting him down in the crib, and dealing with him crying and fussing.  Bedtime was an hour or more of pure misery.  I knew rocking him to sleep would work, but I didn't want to do that for fear of ruining him for life.

And then I read the The No Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers. In it, she says that if the routine of rocking your child to sleep (or staying with them in their room until they fall asleep) doesn't bother you, then there's no need to change it.  I suddenly felt free of guilt, and was able to rock him to sleep with minimal fuss most nights.  I love the cuddle time, and it's easy.  Usually.

I'm pretty sure that last night's cry-fest was brought on by more than just his refusal to sleep. I really am exhausted.  I had a very hard time falling asleep during my two week wait and got horrible sleep (this despite the fact that Finn was sleeping from 8pm to 7am or later every night in his crib). Then I got my BFN and was trying to decide what my next step would be, and could barely sleep those nights, either.  I was finally getting back on track with my sleep when Finn got sick and his sleep went to hell.  So I think I've averaged about 5-6 hours of sleep a night for the past month.  That (plus all that the past month has brought with it) has left me a little emotionally fragile.  All your supportive comments to my post yesterday were just what I needed, and are much appreciated!

But to get back to the sleep plan - I've already instituted one change, and that involves me getting ready for bed when Finn does.  I brushed my teeth when he did, he washed his face while I washed my face, and we both got our pjs on together.  That should make it easier for me to go upstairs and get straight into bed, instead of messing around for 30 minutes once I finally turn off the computer and go upstairs.  And it made our nighttime routine fun and easy, since Finn loves doing what I do.

Once I'm safely pregnant, I'll be turning the guest bedroom into Finn's room, and plan on having him start sleeping in there (in a big boy bed) well before the baby arrives.  So as my belly gets bigger, we'll stop rocking to sleep and start with me sitting by him in his bed as he falls asleep (which also works well now, if we're out of town and don't have a rocker). The author of the No Cry Sleep Solution has a chapter that will walk me through gradually transitioning Finn from needing me by his side, to being able to fall asleep without me in the room.  And by the time I'm that pregnant, he should be old enough to be able to handle the change.

In the meantime, I really hope the horrible nights are over for awhile.  I'm going to take advantage of the sleeping baby while I can, and go to sleep now, even though it's not even 10pm yet.

Sleep

We've had over a month of fairly easy bedtimes.  Most nights, Finn has fallen asleep within 10 minutes of sitting down in the glider, and he's been staying asleep.  There have been many nights that he's slept the entire night in his crib, and when he does wake up and want to come to bed with me, it's not been until 3-4 in the morning.  I've been really happy with this routine.  I really enjoy the cuddle time, and how easy it is to get him to sleep.

Until this week.  Poor baby has another bad cold, and he's fighting sleep.  Most nights it's taken 40+ minutes of rocking for him to fall asleep, and then he's waking up as early as 10pm.  Those early nights have come with lots of crying, and have required a lot of rocking to calm him down.  One night he just wouldn't fall back to sleep for over two hours.  Then when he does fall asleep, he's been waking up multiple times a night, crying.  Sometimes it's just for a minute, but there's been a few nights of more rocking back to sleep at 1am.  I am exhausted.

Then today was a stressful day at work, and Finn was grumpy when I got home.  He would be fine and happy one minute, and the next he'd be crying and screaming.  Typical tired toddler behavior, I think, and also exhausting.  We read fewer stories at bedtime than usual, but otherwise did our usual bedtime routine, and he seemed ready to sleep.  But when we started rocking, he would not fall asleep.  After 40 minutes, I was tired and ready to be done.  I finally told him that he was just going to have to go in his crib - I gently set him down and he immediately stood up and started crying, "Rock, rock! Mommy, rock!"  I tried to soothe him, but it didn't work.  He got more and more worked up, and I could tell he was going to be crying for at least another 30 minutes.  I didn't want to be inconsistent and pick him up again, but the thought of another 30 minutes of him not sleeping, and this time crying and fussing was too much for me in my exhausted state.  And so I sat down on the floor and cried.  Serious, deep sobbing. Poor Finn.  He looked at me and yelled, "MOMMY!" and then he really started crying - wailing - like I've never heard him cry.  He was in so much distress that I had to pick him up.  He leaned back in my arms, still crying, and touched my face.  "Mommy." And then he put his arms around me, put his head on my shoulder and we both cried.

Once we sat back down in the glider, he calmed down.  He looked up at me again, touched my hair and said, "Mommy crying. Mommy sad." Then he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

300

This is my 300th post.  Three hundred.  I looked back on my very first post from May 2010, written right after my miscarriage.  I was heartbroken, but still hopeful.  I could have never imagined what the next 299 posts would hold, or even that I would stick with this blog long enough to get to post #300!  By May 2011, I was finally mom to my beautiful little boy.  By May 2012, I was mom to a one year old cancer survivor.  Hopefully by May 2013 I'll be preparing for the transfer of an embryo created from a donor egg and the donor sperm (from Finn's donor).

I thought I knew what the future had in store for me.  I was wrong.

Aren't we always?

*****************

I had my phone consult with Dr. S at RBA in Atlanta today.  I've decided not to do a DE cycle with my clinic because the wait can be up to a year, there are less donors to choose from, and (since it's a fresh cycle) I'd have to sync my cycle up to someone else's.  RBA has an excellent reputation and uses frozen donor eggs.  That means I can pick a week that works for me, and (as long as my lining cooperates) I can be fairly confident that my transfer will happen during that time.  

My consult today was much sooner than I anticipated, but he had a cancellation right during my lunch break, so I had to take it.  We talked about my past history for a bit, and reviewed the labs and tests I've already had done.  He then told me about the program - how they choose and screen their donors and then how the entire cycle process works.  He cracked me up when he talked about my "drive by embryo transfer."  But it really is just that - my RE's office will be doing all the monitoring, I'll just go to Atlanta in time for a possible Day 3 transfer (though it will likely be a Day 5). 

We talked about meds I'd take to prepare my lining. He told me that they'd had some trouble recently with oral Estrace (turns out about 20% of branded Estrace on the market is actually generic from overseas...which totally explains some of the weird labs I've had with my male to female transgender patients lately) and so they prefer IM or transdermal estrogen.  I've decided to go with IM to save money. But when he gave me the option of IM progesterone vs Crinone?  I went with Crinone, as much as I hate it. I just don't want to do the IM progesterone.  It's worth the goop and the extra cost of Crinone to avoid it.  

We kept getting off tangent, and so I forgot to ask him a couple of questions.  The first was about endometrial scratch biopsies. My RE doesn't do them routinely, his nurse told me they didn't think they were beneficial, but they would do it if Dr. S asked for it.  But, she said, they're incredibly painful, "So if you have a choice, don't do it." Which is not what I've heard elsewhere.  I know the benefit of a scratch biopsy at this point is a matter of opinion, but what most people say is that it's no big deal.  I wonder if that's also a matter of opinion, or if it's because there's an endometrial "scratch" and then there's an endometrial "scratch biopsy" - maybe they are two different procedures? And I forgot to ask.  

So it looks like I have all my precycle screening done except for the psych consult.  As soon as I get that done and get the report to their office, I'll be able to get access to the donor bank, and choose my donor. 

A week ago I was mourning the BFN with my last IUI.  And today I'm talking about choosing an egg donor. 

I wonder what the next 300 posts will bring?

Joyful Anticipation

Since the day I first began to seriously consider trying to have another baby, my heart has been filled with anxiety and trepidation.  I knew it was going to be hard.  I was suspicious I might not be successful.  And I was worried I was going to run out of money before I ran out of options.

Since I made my decision to go forward with donor eggs, my anxiety and trepidation has gone away.  I am filled with excitement and anticipation - and not a little bit of surprise at how hard it was for me to make this decision.  As good as I feel about it now, I can't believe how hard it was to make in the first place.

I am looking forward to being pregnant again.  I am not the best newborn mommy out there, but I think I'll do a better job my second time around, and I'm looking forward to the chance to try.  I am excited to think of nursing another baby, and imagine that I'll nurse well beyond the age of one this time around.  I can't wait to see Finn grow into his role of big brother, and watch the dynamic of our little family change to accomodate a new little person.  One little part of me is a little sad that this baby-to-be won't share my genes, but it almost feels like it's an obligatory sadness that will pass soon, barely noticed.

The one thing that does truly make me sad is that my last 3 IUIs didn't work, and I'm now looking at spending a lot more money to try to complete my family.  It would be so nice to not have to worry about financing baby #2.  It would be nice to pay off my home equity loan.  It would be wonderful to not have to worry quite so much about money at all.  But in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal.  In 5 years my condo will have sold (I hope) and many of my financial worries will be a thing of the past.  I'll have a 4 year old and almost 7 year old who won't care what house they lived in the first few years of their lives.  I feel incredibly lucky that this is even an option for me - that's what I'm going to try to focus on now.

I talked to my RE's office today and let them know what my plans are.  The nurse, Libby, was incredibly supportive, and told me that they would do whatever labs and tests I need for my new clinic.  It looks as though I have all the requirements already met, except for a sonohysterogram and a psych evaluation, so the prep work should be easy.  I am waiting to hear back from the clinic I'll be using, hopefully I can get a phone consult set up for sometime in the next month.  I'd like to plan to cycle at the end of May, as my work schedule is pretty booked before then.  That gives me 4 months to get in better shape and lose another 10 pounds.  I'm currently 5 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with Finn - if I lose another 10 pounds it will put me back to my preTTC weight.  That would be just about the perfect way to start a pregnancy.


Thank you for all the wonderful, thoughtful and heartfelt comments on my last post.  I am so blessed to have such incredible support.  Thank you.

Singing Fat Lady

There's a lot going on in my brain these days.  So much so that I'm finding it hard to even know where to start.

I guess at the beginning.  When I was trying to conceive Finn, my numbers were not all that great.  My FSH was almost 12, my antral follicle count was low and my AMH was 0.49 (a good number is above 1).  And yet, I got pregnant both times I used the combination of Gonal-F and Femara, the exact same protocol that hasn't worked the 3 times I've tried when trying for Baby #2.  This despite the fact that my FSH has been about the same as it was when I was trying for Finn (though I did have one outlier at 16 right back in August or September) and my antral follicle count has been about the same.

Thursday night I googled statistics for IVF success at my age (41 - will be 42 in June).  They were sobering.  I found, on average, numbers varying between 15-30%.  I already knew those numbers, but I figured I was not the average.  After all, I'd gotten pregnant twice just two years ago, with numbers that were pretty similar to what they are now.  I was sure one of these 3 IUIs was going to work.

Before I started, my RE told me that at my age, my chances were just as good with IUI as with IVF, especially since I had proven success with IUI in the past.  And then when we met again in November, he dazzled me with talk of using growth hormone as an adjuvant therapy when trying IVF, and though he was clear on the statistics, pointing out that the ASRM guidelines allow for transfer of up to 5 (FIVE!) embryos at my age (given the small chance of even one working), I was swayed.  Yes, I said, if my last IUI doesn't work, I'm going to try IVF.

And then my last IUI didn't work.

Suddenly I am faced with the thought of moving to IVF.  The cost is daunting.  I make a nice salary, but I have huge bills thanks to a condo that I can't sell and student loans that will be with me until I'm 60.  I do have the ability to pay for one round of IVF.  It will be a stretch, and it will mean that I won't be able to pay off my home equity loan in the next two years, as I'd planned, but I could pay for one round.  One round of IVF that has - at best - a 30% chance of working.

Yesterday I called my RE, and talked with one of the nurses to start the process for IVF.  While talking to her, I realized I'd never heard the results of my AMH level from last summer.  It was 0.17.  Horrible.  It means my ovarian reserve is tiny.  I might have one good egg left, but it really is just one good egg.

I put that information together with the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant in 3 pretty decent IUI cycles using a protocol that has worked in the past.  And the words from my RE that I probably didn't have much more of a chance with IVF than I did with IUI.  And the fact that I have said repeatedly this past year, "If only adoption weren't so hard. If someone offered me a baby today I'd stop trying to conceive and adopt immediately - though I would really love to be pregnant again, and to nurse a baby again."  And the reality that I have the resources to finance one more try.  Not two.  Just one.

My back up plan has always been donor eggs.  But the reality is that I can't afford my backup plan if I try with my own eggs.  There are no guarantees, but my chances of conceiving are drastically higher with donor eggs than with my own.  And the costs are relatively similar - donor egg is a bit more, but not much.

I now have a choice to make.  I can afford one more try.  Do I gamble all that money on a chance that has very poor odds?  Or do I go with the try that has a much better chance of succeeding?

How important is that biologic connection to me?  I think this would be a very different question, if I didn't have Finn.  But I do have Finn.  He is undeniably my son, and I love him more than anything or anyone on the planet.  I also know my love would be just as deep for my second child, whether that child is biologically mine or not.

But the thought of giving up on my own eggs....it's a hard one to wrap my mind around.  Last night I spoke with my friend Kyrah, who is a psychic (and also does amazing energy healing work), and she did a reading for me.  The message was clear from our reading that I don't have much of a chance with my own eggs, but I do with with donor eggs.  Not what I was hoping to hear, but exactly what I was expecting.

I went to bed but couldn't sleep, my mind wouldn't stop working.  Finally I drifted off to sleep, and woke this morning feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in months.  It was when I was in the shower that I realized what had changed.

I have decided that what I want more than anything in the world is another child.  I want a sibling for Finn, and another child to share my love with.  I love being a mom more than anything I have ever done, and I want more.  I wish I had started earlier.  I wish I had the money to try one more time with my own eggs and then move to donor eggs if that didn't work. But the reality is that I will never regret moving forward with donor eggs.  I would always regret trying first with my own eggs if it didn't work (as it probably won't) and losing my opportunity to have another child.

When I realized that, I cried.  It's tough, letting go of the dream of how I envisioned my life would be.  But it would be even tougher to never have a second child.  So my plan is to not start birth control pills on Sunday.  I will call the clinic I plan to use for donor eggs on Monday to schedule a phone consultation.  And I will call my RE's office to ask if they will do the monitoring and other things as needed for my cycle there.

I can't quite believe that I've found myself here.  And while there is the chance that I may still change my mind, this feels right.  In my heart of hearts, I feel as though I am making the right decision.

To be completely honest, I considered not posting about this here.  But I started this blog to share what it's really like to be a single mom by choice, and what it's really like to try building a family as an older mom.  Not sharing this part of my journey would feel dishonest.  And it would not be helpful to those out there who are reading this at the start of their path towards single motherhood.

But, having a child with donor eggs is a lot different than with donor sperm.  There are many out there who will always think, "That child really isn't her child." There are people out there who will think of my second child differently than they do my first, if they knew.  And while I will ALWAYS be honest with my children about where they came from, the donor egg story will not be my story to tell to all those around me.

So, if you know me in real life and are reading this here - please do not share this information with others.  Know that I will love any child of mine with all my heart, no matter what the genetics may be.  Please respect my future child's right to his or her own story, and avoid sharing this with others.  I do not plan on sharing this with my parents, or with work, or with my casual friends.  It's not that it's a secret that I am ashamed of, I just don't feel as though this is something that is mine to share.

No Happy Dance Here

There was only one sad line on my HPT this morning.

No AF yet, so I guess there's still hope, but not much.  I have the phone number for the IVF coordinator.  I'll be calling her as soon as AF arrives.