Singing Fat Lady

There's a lot going on in my brain these days.  So much so that I'm finding it hard to even know where to start.

I guess at the beginning.  When I was trying to conceive Finn, my numbers were not all that great.  My FSH was almost 12, my antral follicle count was low and my AMH was 0.49 (a good number is above 1).  And yet, I got pregnant both times I used the combination of Gonal-F and Femara, the exact same protocol that hasn't worked the 3 times I've tried when trying for Baby #2.  This despite the fact that my FSH has been about the same as it was when I was trying for Finn (though I did have one outlier at 16 right back in August or September) and my antral follicle count has been about the same.

Thursday night I googled statistics for IVF success at my age (41 - will be 42 in June).  They were sobering.  I found, on average, numbers varying between 15-30%.  I already knew those numbers, but I figured I was not the average.  After all, I'd gotten pregnant twice just two years ago, with numbers that were pretty similar to what they are now.  I was sure one of these 3 IUIs was going to work.

Before I started, my RE told me that at my age, my chances were just as good with IUI as with IVF, especially since I had proven success with IUI in the past.  And then when we met again in November, he dazzled me with talk of using growth hormone as an adjuvant therapy when trying IVF, and though he was clear on the statistics, pointing out that the ASRM guidelines allow for transfer of up to 5 (FIVE!) embryos at my age (given the small chance of even one working), I was swayed.  Yes, I said, if my last IUI doesn't work, I'm going to try IVF.

And then my last IUI didn't work.

Suddenly I am faced with the thought of moving to IVF.  The cost is daunting.  I make a nice salary, but I have huge bills thanks to a condo that I can't sell and student loans that will be with me until I'm 60.  I do have the ability to pay for one round of IVF.  It will be a stretch, and it will mean that I won't be able to pay off my home equity loan in the next two years, as I'd planned, but I could pay for one round.  One round of IVF that has - at best - a 30% chance of working.

Yesterday I called my RE, and talked with one of the nurses to start the process for IVF.  While talking to her, I realized I'd never heard the results of my AMH level from last summer.  It was 0.17.  Horrible.  It means my ovarian reserve is tiny.  I might have one good egg left, but it really is just one good egg.

I put that information together with the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant in 3 pretty decent IUI cycles using a protocol that has worked in the past.  And the words from my RE that I probably didn't have much more of a chance with IVF than I did with IUI.  And the fact that I have said repeatedly this past year, "If only adoption weren't so hard. If someone offered me a baby today I'd stop trying to conceive and adopt immediately - though I would really love to be pregnant again, and to nurse a baby again."  And the reality that I have the resources to finance one more try.  Not two.  Just one.

My back up plan has always been donor eggs.  But the reality is that I can't afford my backup plan if I try with my own eggs.  There are no guarantees, but my chances of conceiving are drastically higher with donor eggs than with my own.  And the costs are relatively similar - donor egg is a bit more, but not much.

I now have a choice to make.  I can afford one more try.  Do I gamble all that money on a chance that has very poor odds?  Or do I go with the try that has a much better chance of succeeding?

How important is that biologic connection to me?  I think this would be a very different question, if I didn't have Finn.  But I do have Finn.  He is undeniably my son, and I love him more than anything or anyone on the planet.  I also know my love would be just as deep for my second child, whether that child is biologically mine or not.

But the thought of giving up on my own eggs....it's a hard one to wrap my mind around.  Last night I spoke with my friend Kyrah, who is a psychic (and also does amazing energy healing work), and she did a reading for me.  The message was clear from our reading that I don't have much of a chance with my own eggs, but I do with with donor eggs.  Not what I was hoping to hear, but exactly what I was expecting.

I went to bed but couldn't sleep, my mind wouldn't stop working.  Finally I drifted off to sleep, and woke this morning feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in months.  It was when I was in the shower that I realized what had changed.

I have decided that what I want more than anything in the world is another child.  I want a sibling for Finn, and another child to share my love with.  I love being a mom more than anything I have ever done, and I want more.  I wish I had started earlier.  I wish I had the money to try one more time with my own eggs and then move to donor eggs if that didn't work. But the reality is that I will never regret moving forward with donor eggs.  I would always regret trying first with my own eggs if it didn't work (as it probably won't) and losing my opportunity to have another child.

When I realized that, I cried.  It's tough, letting go of the dream of how I envisioned my life would be.  But it would be even tougher to never have a second child.  So my plan is to not start birth control pills on Sunday.  I will call the clinic I plan to use for donor eggs on Monday to schedule a phone consultation.  And I will call my RE's office to ask if they will do the monitoring and other things as needed for my cycle there.

I can't quite believe that I've found myself here.  And while there is the chance that I may still change my mind, this feels right.  In my heart of hearts, I feel as though I am making the right decision.

To be completely honest, I considered not posting about this here.  But I started this blog to share what it's really like to be a single mom by choice, and what it's really like to try building a family as an older mom.  Not sharing this part of my journey would feel dishonest.  And it would not be helpful to those out there who are reading this at the start of their path towards single motherhood.

But, having a child with donor eggs is a lot different than with donor sperm.  There are many out there who will always think, "That child really isn't her child." There are people out there who will think of my second child differently than they do my first, if they knew.  And while I will ALWAYS be honest with my children about where they came from, the donor egg story will not be my story to tell to all those around me.

So, if you know me in real life and are reading this here - please do not share this information with others.  Know that I will love any child of mine with all my heart, no matter what the genetics may be.  Please respect my future child's right to his or her own story, and avoid sharing this with others.  I do not plan on sharing this with my parents, or with work, or with my casual friends.  It's not that it's a secret that I am ashamed of, I just don't feel as though this is something that is mine to share.