Thanksgiving Weekend

For the past few days I've been working on a post about the supplements I decided to take to help improve my chances of getting pregnant - supplements that I decided on after a lot of research.  It's taking longer than I thought to write, so I thought I'd take a break and write about our Thanksgiving weekend.

We had Thanksgiving dinner at my my favorite aunt and uncle's house - my Grandmom was there, too, as well as a cousin with her new boyfriend.  Finn was shy at first, but quickly warmed up to everyone and had fun being the center of attention.  It was a wonderful evening of good food and time with some of my favorite family members.  And of course, I only took one picture the entire evening!

Finn's Second Thanksgiving

Friday we met with a friend and her adorable daughter for brunch, and then spent the afternoon with my parents and my grandmom.  My grandmom was one of my heros when I was a little girl. I wanted nothing more than to spend time with her, and we'd make up stories about what my life would be like when I grew up.  She had all sorts of dreams and stories, went hunting for worms to go fishing with, fished every weekend with my granddad, grew her own vegetables, and spent all summer canning and freezing them.  Now she takes 10 minutes to walk from the living room to the bathroom, spends most of her time in her room watching television and usually doesn't get involved in conversations more deep than the last play in the football game. It makes me sad to know that this is one of the last times I'm going to spend with her (and she was the main reason we came down for here this year), and sad that she is no longer to strong woman I once knew.  But it was wonderful to see Finn with her. He grinned at her, he hugged on her and even gave her a few kisses.  She seemed more like the woman I remembered when she interacted with him.

I love Thanksgiving.  I love the time with family and with friends, and the chance to stop for just a moment and reflect not on what is missing in my life, but the blessings I do have in my life.  It's something I don't do often enough - ok, so I think about how lucky I am to have Finn every single day, I will never forget to be thankful for that amazing blessing.  But the other stuff is easy to forget until Thanksgiving comes along.

I am so thankful I managed to get a plane ticket to come down this weekend to spend time with my family.  I'm thankful for the childhood memories my grandmom gave me.  I'm thankful for a delicious meal with my family. I'm thankful for my mom's pecan pie.  I'm thankful for stretchy pants, and a diet that let me lose three pounds last week...three pounds that I'm sure I put back on this weekend.  I'm thankful that today is CD2, and I'm a month closer to my next try for baby #2.

I'm thankful for parents who adore my son, who love spending time with him, and who are smart enough to live somewhere that allows us to spend an afternoon at the beach in November.

Appointment Recap

Today's appointment with my RE went fairly well - he answered most of my questions before I even got to them, and spent 45 minutes with me, making sure we'd covered everything (though I still forgot to ask him about the Crinone, even after taking my list with me).  The plan that we came up with isn't exactly what I anticipated, but I think I'm comfortable with it.

We're going to do one more IUI with my cycle that will be starting about 4 or so weeks from now. Same protocol as before (and when I asked if they cycled over the holidays, he looked at me like I was crazy, "Of course!")

If that doesn't work, we're going to try IVF, doing a Lupron microflare protocol.  He has been using growth hormone with this protocol, and thinks it has helped improve success rates.  It's his opinion that adding the growth hormone gives IVF an advantage over IUI.  He doesn't anticipate me getting more than 5 eggs, and has told me (as I already know) that I shouldn't expect them all to fertilize.  Smart man, making sure expectations are realistic from the beginning.

He was completely willing to let me do as many IUIs as I want to do, but said that his gut feeling was that after 2-3 IUIs, I should try something different.  He gave me several articles (particularly about using growth hormone with IVF), and was fine with letting me take as long as I needed to made a decision.  After how disappointed I was with his nurses a few weeks ago, it was nice to be reminded why I like my RE so much.

This appointment counted as my IVF consult, so, if my next IUI doesn't work, I'm to call his IVF coordinator, and get started with birth control pills, and go from there.  It feels good to have a plan.

Questions for the RE

The appointment with my RE is on Monday morning.  I have a list of questions to ask him about what we should do next.  I'm actually bringing the list with me, because I know I'll forget at least one of them if I don't.

1. A few months ago he told me that - given my ages and labs - I had just as much a chance of getting pregnant with IUI as I do with IVF.  Given that statement, is there really any benefit to even considering anything but IUIs right now?  We know I can get pregnant with IUIs, so I'm not sure if there would be any benefit.
2. If he does think IVF is a better option than more IUIs, what kind of IVF cycle does he think would be best for me?
3. With both cycles that failed, AF showed up early - despite taking Crinone.  Does that mean Crinone isn't really doing anything?  Does he think I really need to take it?
4. I have a conference I'd really like to attend at the end of January.  There's a very good chance this conference would fall right around the first two weeks of the cycle after my next try.  I have to decide now if I'm going to attend - if I do go and I end up not pregnant after the next IUI, could I take birth control pills for a few weeks so I don't have to take another full month off of trying?
5. Speaking of birth control pills, someone mentioned to me that it might be a good idea for me to take them with my next cycle, the one before my next IUI cycle - what are his thoughts on that?
6. If AF arrives on time this month and next, my next cycle will fall right around the Christmas holidays.  Will they be open?  Finn's next MRI is 12/27 - if I have a monitoring appointment or IUI on that day, can they be flexible with the time and let me come in the afternoon (they usually only do morning scans and IUIs).

Any other questions I should ask?  I want to walk away from this appointment with a clear plan of what the next steps are, and no more "do 2-3 IUIs and then let's regroup" if I can help it.

I also plan to tell him how bad my experience was when I called after my last BFN - specifically how long I waited to hear back from the nurses, and the fact that they hadn't really listened to my message or done anything with it (such as give a message to him that I wanted to do another IUI cycle).  I'm also going to ask him about their policy of having to have a specimen onsite.  For the most part I've loved my RE's office, and like I've mentioned before, I think their success rates are better than their local competition.  But I'd have a really hard time telling any of my local single SMC-tryers to go there just because of that policy.

I'm doing a halfway decent job with my diet.  I've had a few cheats here and there, but I've definitely been more successful than not.  I currently weigh exactly what I did when I got pregnant with Finn (though the weight is definitely distributed differently!), it would be nice if I could actually lose a few pounds over the next 5 weeks or so.

18 Months

It's almost impossible to believe that Finn is 18 months old tomorrow (Monday).  A year and a half.  He's changing so much every day, it's hard to keep up with him!

He is so much fun right now, and also so challenging.  He loves to be silly, and especially loves it when he does something that makes me laugh.  He has the best belly laugh I've ever heard, and tends to use it most when he's being tickled - oh this boy loves to be tickled.

 

Exhibit A: extreme silliness

Dinnertime is messy.  Very messy.  He's a great eater - he eats way more foods than I do (today in addition to the chicken, pear, cheese, black beans, tomatoes, rice and cheese we shared, he also ate blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, yogurt, olives and avocado, all of which I don't like).  But when he doesn't want something - or he sees something else he wants more - he'll throw all his food on the floor.  Often he does the throwing while making direct eye contact with me, a defiant gleam in his eye. I know he knows he's not supposed to do it, but I can't figure out how to make him stop. I think he's too young to take him away from the table and tell him the meal is over when he starts doing that, but today I did try something new.  I got him out of his chair and told him he had to pick up all the food he'd just thrown on the floor and put it in the trash before he could eat anything else.  And he did it.  I don't know if it will end up acting as a deterrent - in fact, I usually have no idea if I'm ever doing the right thing when it comes to discipline, but I'm slowly learning.

Getting Finn to do what I want him to do, when I want him to do it, is also a challenge (ok, so this is going to be a challenge for the rest of my life!)  In swim class we would always say, "Bye Bye" to floats and other props when it was time to let them go, and I've carried that over into every day life.  It has helped tremendously.  Instead of saying, "Finn, it's time to put your pacifier away," I say, "Tell your pacifier bye-bye," and he does it.  It's amazing.  It's not 100% of the time, but pretty darn close.  The advice I read years ago about giving toddlers a 5 minute warning, and let them know what was next on the agenda also works wonders.  He rarely throws a fit about coming inside anymore now that I give him several warnings that it's about to happen.  If he's fighting something I need for him to do (like putting on his shoes this afternoon), he frequently will become more cooperative if I tell him what we're going to do next (going outside once his shoes are on).

He loves animal sounds - dog, cat, cow, horse, duck, mouse, bird, elephant, lion, owl, wolf - and one of his current favorite books is an A-Z book of animals that we have either sounds or signs for each animal.  Except newt. I have no idea what to do for a newt.  And today, when we were reading the book he pointed at the newt and said, "Newt!" I guess that's all we need for that animal!  He is still loving feeding the cats, and then calls them when their food is ready, "KITTIES!" He still can't figure out why they don't come when he calls them.

Books are another favorite.  I'm pretty sure we read 20 books today.  He also loves music, and has the funniest dance moves I've ever seen.  He loves songs that have hand motions along with them, but hasn't started singing along with any of his favorites just yet.

One thing that makes him so much easier than he might otherwise be is our ability to communicate. I am so glad that Nanny M was willing to work on signs with him, too. With the two of us continuously working on signs, he picks up 1-2 new signs a week.  He was able to use sign language so early that he now uses his own gestures along with signs and words to try to communicate to me.  Sometimes when I'm not understanding him I can see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to figure out how to get his point across. There are still plenty of times when I just don't have a clue what he's trying to tell me, but most of the time we figure it out.

He loved Halloween.  Our ghost Boo is still on the porch upstairs, and he says hi to him every morning and kisses him goodnight every night.  He was so sad when the neighbors put their ghosts away last week.  I wish I'd gotten a picture of his sad face that night. And so I bought Boo some reindeer antlers and will put those on him with a little tinsel after Thanksgiving, and plan on keeping him up as long as it makes Finn happy to see him every day.  I can't wait to see how he reacts to all the Christmas stuff going up in a few weeks.  I might even take a chance on my full sized Christmas tree this year.

I still constantly have that nagging worry about his neuroblastoma at the back of my mind.  My wishes at 11:11 alternate between wishing for a pregnancy (always with the conditional healthy baby request) and wishing for continued good reports on his scans.  His next scan is December 27th.   I can't wait for the day when we can go to once a year scans.

Eighteen months.  I can only imagine how different he's going to be another 18 months from now!

Perfect Saturday

I woke up this morning with a book being shoved in my face and a little voice commanding, "Read!" That led to a lazy morning in bed, reading story after story, until finally the command changed from "read!" to "eat!" and we headed downstairs for breakfast.

Finn after the show

Our day just got better from there.  We met our local group of SMCs for a wonderful morning at the symphony.  I wasn't sure how he was going to do, but Finn loved it!  He didn't sit still, but he watched the musicians intently, often dancing or bouncing to the music, and clapping and saying "yay!" a lot. When it was over, Finn surprised me even more by asking for more. An adorable 4 month old little boy and his momma were next to us, and he seemed just as captivated as Finn (except for the little nap he took towards the end).  I'm already looking forward to the next children's symphony, and plan on making sure Finn is familiar with the music next time, so he'll enjoy it even more.  We have such a great group of single moms in my area, I'm so glad I finally managed to join them at an outing with the kids.

After Finn's nap we met up with my friend Ali for a walk on the Greenway.  Ali and I have logged a lot of miles on that Greenway, training for half marathons and solving the world's problems while we did.  We spent many a long run talking about my plans to be have a baby; it felt a little surreal to be pushing Finn on those same walkways this afternoon.

Taking a break from the stroller

Seeing my friends interact with my son can be such an emotional experience.  I love my friends, but when I see my friends love Finn - see them talk to him, be silly with him, and make him laugh - it changes how I feel about our relationship, makes me love them even more and makes them seem less like friends and more like family. That sounds ridiculously sappy, but it's true.

Helping Aunt Ali push the stroller

It was a perfect day for a walk, and we ended up seeing a deer and a lot of ducks, as well as tons of dogs that were out for walks, too.  We ended our day with dinner, a quick trip to Tra.der J.oe's, and a short cuddle before bed.

I'm not sure Saturdays get much better than this.

Eating My Way to Better Eggs

I left something big off my list of good things about having a few month delay in trying to conceive: the chance to do something to improve the quality of my aging eggs.

Do an internet search on improving egg quality, and you'll find all sorts of information - some of it good, some of it crap.  But how do you know which is which?  Much of what you'll find is based off of anecdotal reports ("I drank tincture of mouse urine steeped with bay leaves every day for a month and I got pregnant!") but there is some hard science out there.  There's not a LOT of hard science out there, but there are more and more studies that are popping up that at least can give a girl a little bit of guidance.

I'd been thinking about a lot this week about the supplements I should be taking.  But then two things made me realize I was missing a huge piece of the picture.  The first was a conversation I had with a patient today, a patient who has infertility that is likely due to a pituitary tumor causing low FSH, LH and estradiol levels. She is also slender, and we were talking about why her gyn had thought the problem was her weight.  I explained to her how being underweight can cause a woman to stop having periods.  "Reproduction is not essential for survival, so if your body is being starved, or thinks it's being starved, it will stop ovulating, and you'll stop having periods."

And the obvious suddenly became clear - my diet is likely part of the problem. Now there's no way my body thinks that I'm being starved, but I'm certainly not giving it the nutrition that I need to make good quality eggs.  I've done a decent job of cutting out fast food, but refined carbohydrates have been my best friend the past few months.  Especially this past week (candy corn, anyone?) - I'm not eating anywhere near as healthy as I could be eating.

Of course, we all know incredibly unhealthy women who follow horrible diets that get pregnant naturally...but most of them aren't 41 years old.  And none of them are me.

When I first started to think about getting pregnant on my own I read The Fertility Diet.  It's a wonderful and easy to read book, and there's a great summary here. To be clear, this is a retrospective study that looked at the effect women's diet had on their fertility.  It did not look to see if changes in diet would affect the chances of an infertile women getting pregnant.  Instead, it asked the question, does diet influence your chances of infertility?

Not surprisingly, the answer was yes.  A diet high in simple carbs, high in trans fats and high in animal proteins increased the chance of infertility, while a diet rich in complex carbs, monounsaturated fats and plant proteins increased fertility.  Huh.  The same things that increase your risk of diabetes and heart disease increase your risk of infertility.  The body is an amazing thing.

And then a friend shared these recent studies presented at the American Society of Reproductive Medicine's annual meeting - there's a summary here, and a summary with comment from the experts here. In the first study, women were asked to give a dietary recall before starting IVF.  The women who had high protein diets had more blastocysts make it to day 5 and has significantly higher pregnancy rates.  The second study actually had 12 women who had prior failed IVF cycles change their diet.  They were instructed to increase their protein intake from around 15% of their daily food intake to about 27% of their daily intake for 2 months before their next IVF cycle.  This resulted in an increase in pregnancy rates from 16% to 81%.  I could only find blurbs about the study, and not an abstract, so I don't know the details - especially if these women were increasing protein intake using animal protein, or if they were using plant protein. And it's a small study.  But it is incredibly compelling.

I find myself inspired.  Inspired to completely revamp my diet.  To cut out refined carbs.  To increase the protein in my diet - from beans and lean meats primarily.  To increase the healthy fats and cut out as many saturated fats as I can.  To eat healthy.  To be healthy.

I've felt horrible all week with a headache and a cold.  And it's candy corn season.  I've felt like crap and I've eaten like crap.  But starting Monday that's all over.  Finn and I are going grocery shopping and stocking up on all healthy stuff.  And the stash of Halloween candy I've been keeping at home is going to the office.

It's going to be hard.  Thanksgiving is soon, and so is Christmas.  There will be temptations every where, every day. I will cheat. I'm giving myself permission to do so without guilt, simply because I know that when I do cheat, I'm going to make it count, and it won't be often.

I'm doing this to improve my chances of having another child. And I can do anything if it means I'm more likely to achieve that goal.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Halloween!

Good Things

This BFN was the hardest BFN I've had in the whole TTC business.  All along I was so SURE that I was going to luck out with my second try for #2; it really has felt like I'm mourning a loss instead of just a BFN. But at the same time I'm already so lucky to have Finn - it's a sadness that isn't tinged with the fear of "what if I'm never a mom?" that everyone one of us has when trying for our first. And for that I am incredibly thankful.  As sad as I am, I know I am so lucky to have the one little boy I already have.  

I've also had a two day headache accompanied by an irritating eye twitch that has me wishing I'd save the last of the narcotics I got after my c-section.  I could really use one (or two) of those right now.  The worst seems to be easing off now - I hope it really is almost gone.

Even though two months seems like forever right now, I know it really isn't.  And with all I have going on this month, it will probably seem even shorter than that. I'm trying to keep reminding myself of that. And I'm making lists - lists to help me feel better about this delay. My first list is the list of the good things that will come from the two month wait.

• Almost two more weeks of maternity leave.  I don't get maternity leave - just vacation time.  So in two months I'll earn another 3-4 days. They also allow us to transfer 40 hours of vacation pay into short term disability every year - and they match those 40 hours.  I've already transfered for this fiscal year, and now will be able to transfer another 40 hours next July. So another week there!
• Finn may be potty trained - or close to it - by the time baby #2 finally arrives.
• He will definitely be ready for the big boy bed. So I will be able to put him in the room that is currently the guest bedroom and new baby will get the crib.
• I won't be traveling 3 weeks in a row while in my first trimester.
• I'll have time to get Finn settled into a new sleep routine before I'm too exhausted from early pregnancy to be able to contemplate an evening walk every night.
• I can go shopping now for some new winter work clothes.  I'm SO tired of the stuff I have that I can wear right now but had been holding off, thinking I could move to maternity work clothes soon.  I don't want to spend much money, but getting 5-6 more shirts and a couple of skirts would go a long way and make me prettier and happier at work.
• I can take Aleve all I want for my headache.
• I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I really want to do this crazy thing and have another baby.

I hope everyone in the Northeast US is staying safe from Hurricane Sandy!  We're just getting a lot of wind - and Boo the Ghost fell victim to Sandy's evil ways earlier today.  He was found in the neighbor's yard - luckily he didn't go too far, he's one of Finn's favorite people.