Rambling Post

At the pumpkin patch

It wasn't Finn's cancer diagnosis that made me wish I was doing this with a partner - it's trying to deal with the continued craziness that several unexpected weeks away from work has left me that has me wishing I had a partner.  I could really use just about 5 hours of uninterrupted time for paperwork - that would make my work life so much easier right now.  Just 5 hours.  But it's not going to happen - unless I'm willing to pay my nanny to help me out, and since I had to pay her extra tonight for an unplanned late night at work, and possibly for this weekend while I'm making rounds at the hospital, that's really not going to happen. If I'm going to pay her for extra time watching Finn, it's going to be for me to do something like getting a massage or going to a movie.  I'm going to have to adjust to the idea that work will sometimes just have to wait.

The run of the mill, day to day life as a single parent is hard, too.  I remember thinking about things like dinner meetings and late days at the office before Finn was born and wondering how'd I'd do it.  I knew it would end up being expensive, but I never thought about how much coordination would be involved, or how much I'd miss him when I was away.  I still haven't gotten used to the idea that I have to always think about someone else now when I make any plans, and that I will have to continue to do so for many years to come.  It would be nice to have someone else that I could count on to share that burden.

But then someone who is married says to me, "I just don't know how you do it, I can't imagine parenting alone, it's so hard," and I realize, it's all about what you know.  Yes, it's hard being a single mom.  But being a married mom is hard, too.  I'm really not sure I'd feel like things were any easier if I had a husband doing this along with me, because I wouldn't know anything else. And no matter what, the rewards make it all worthwhile.  There is nothing in the world like coming home and having that little face light up when I walk in the room.  Every time I cuddle with my boy, I realize I am truly blessed.

And I am lucky enough to have my sister and her family close by to share things with.  I love that the cousins will grow up playing together and knowing each other well.  D, the oldest, has plans of thing he's going to teach Oliver and Finn, and loves playing the big brother/cousin role.  This weekend we went to a local farm for the afternoon; it was a beautiful warm fall day and we so much fun.  At one point, we all got drinks and snacks and went over to a secluded picnic table to eat, and when we sat down I realized Finn was hungry.  I asked Finn if he wanted to eat, and D responded for him:  "Everyone is going to see your boobie!" There's nothing like a 4 year old boy.  Except maybe a 40 year old boy.

Three boys in one shot - I gave up trying to get them to all look at me! 

Finn

Finn's next MRI is this Thursday morning.  We have his MRI at 7, then an ultrasound of his abdomen at the oncology office followed by an appointment with the oncologist.  I'm a jumble of crazy emotions right now - hopeful, scared, sad, anxious - I can't wait until Thursday is over.  

Naps and Schedules

Cute consequence of no nap schedule

Finn is halfway on a schedule - the schedule that revolves around my work schedule.  He still does most of his eating once I get home, so he's usually hungry as soon as I walk through the door.  He eats again around 8pm, and usually falls asleep while eating, and then he wakes up again sometime between 10-11 to eat, and that's usually when I go to bed.  He wakes up around 7 every morning (though I can occasionally convince him to go back to sleep, like I did this morning), and his first nap of the day is about 2 hours later.

The rest of the day? One big guessing game.  We generally know when he's tired, but there's no rhyme or reason to when, and sometimes (like the picture from Nanny M illustrates) he just conks out with no warning at all.  Which makes it hard to plan things on the weekend.  I've always said I don't want to let having a child keep me from doing things I want to do, but I'm also aware that, at this age, I need to schedule my day and activities around him.  But if he doesn't have a regular schedule, how do I do that?

Which leads me to right now, blogging when I should be on my way to dinner with some local SMCs because Finn is sound asleep in my lap. Since his other two naps today were each only 30 minutes, I hate to wake him up, and he won't stay asleep once I put him in his car seat.  Part of me wants to go ahead and wake him up and go anyway.  He almost always wakes up cheerful, even when his nap is interrupted - and I'm really hungry and don't want to cook dinner!  But, there have been a few other days the past few weeks where he hasn't napped much, and those days led to nights of poor sleep, and I have too much going on next week to start the week out tired.  Which means I'm not moving until he wakes up.

As I sit here (hungry) I wonder if I should get Nanny M to work on getting him on more of a schedule.  I don't really see any cues from him during the day that he wants to be more regimented, but it would be easier for me.  Any suggestions?  Maybe once he starts solid food, and there's another "event" during the day to anchor his day, he'll just naturally fall into a nap schedule.

I'm ending this post with my new favorite video, taken last night:

Flying with Finn

Heidi, Anabel, Finn and Mindy

Finn and I traveled to Connecticut this weekend for the wedding of our friends Mindy and Josh.  It was Finn's first flight, and we lucked out with a first class upgrade on the way up there.  The flight was wonderful, especially since the (male) gay couple in front of us had their 8 month old twins with them too (can you imagine the dismay the other passengers felt when they saw there were three babies in front?)  All three babies were absolutely wonderful; at one point all three babies were laughing as they were being bounced on various laps, causing the man next to me to comment, "It's like a US Airways commercial in here!"

In preparation for the weekend I spent hours researching flying with babies on the internet, and the best resource I out there is a post I read earlier this year on Natalie's blog - if you have any plans to ever fly with a baby you must read it, and then do every single thing she says.  The one thing I didn't do was check my Sit n Stroll at the ticket counter; a friend lent it to me, and I didn't want to mess it up, so I took it through security and checked it at the gate.  My left forearm is covered in bruises from all the times I had to pull the wheels in and then push them back out again, and dealing with it (even though I practiced multiple times with Finn in the seat) was the worst part of traveling.  For our next trip I'm investing in a car seat cover so I can send it on through with my suitcase and not deal with the hassle of the stupid thing.

Friday night was Margarita Friday at Mindy and Josh's, and the house was full of their family and friends.  For the rest of the night (and again on Sunday when they had brunch at their house) the only time I held Finn was when he was ready to eat.  He is officially over his separation anxiety, because it didn't bother him one bit to have so many different people holding him over the course of the weekend.

The night of the wedding I made an huge rookie mistake.  I had debated taking my breast pump with me to pump during the day on Saturday and Sunday.  Finn eats so much more at night than he does during the day, and I typically pump about 10 more ounces a day than he eats, so I tend to get a little full on the weekends.  But it's not awful, so I decided it wasn't worth the effort of taking the pump with me.  What didn't occur to me was the fact that I'd be at the wedding during Finn's prime feeding time. Like I said, rookie mistake. We left for the wedding a little after 5, and Finn snacked just a little before we left.  By the time dinner was over, my boobs were so engorged I thought they might explode right there at the table.  I ended up going to the men's bathroom (the line for the women's was too long) and expressing milk into the sink, all the while imagining what I'd say if the lock failed and a man walked in and found me hanging over the sink, boob in hand.

Luckily I was uninterrupted, and was then able to enjoy a few hours of socializing and dancing before misery hit again.  By this point I was also feeling anxious about leaving Finn with a new babysitter for so long, and then wondering how I'd turned into one of "those moms" who didn't want to leave her kid for more than a few hours.  I seriously never thought that would be me.  I couldn't bare the thought of going back to the bathroom to express more milk, and by that point dancing was pretty uncomfortable, so the last bit of what was a really fun wedding wasn't quite so fun.  But then I got distracted by helping to clean up a little, and then finally it was time to head back to the hotel, where I'd discovered that I'd soaked through my breast pads and my bra (thank goodness I was wearing black so it didn't show!) and realized I'd made rookie mistake #2 and only brought one bra.  What was I thinking?

Despite the mammary mishap, the whole weekend was so fun.  We haven't seen Heidi since Finn was 5 or 6 weeks old, so not only was it wonderful to see her, it was also nice to not be single mom for the weekend, since she was such a big help with Finn.  I had the longest shower I've had in months, and not once did I have to pee while holding a baby.

Strangely enough, the travel this weekend also made everything seem more normal again.  Weird that leaving home for a few days would make me feel more myself, but by the end of the weekend, that's exactly what happened.  And that's a very good thing.

Roll Over!

Finn reached a huge milestone this week - he turned over from tummy to back and from back to tummy!  The tummy to back happened for the first time with the nanny, but I was prepared for the second time and actually caught it with my camera.  He's now done it repeatedly, every time he's put down for tummy time.  (Have I ever mentioned how much he hates tummy time?)

You think you can subject me to tummy time?

Watch this!

Oh this is harder than it looks!

Phew!

Who's the king of rolling over?

The rolling over from back to front was an accident (see above mention of hating tummy time).  He was on his side already, and just rolled on over.  He has tried to replicate the move a couple of times because he was trying to get closer to the cat, but he hasn't quite mastered that skill yet.

And then tonight he sat up on his own, with no assistance, for a full 10 seconds.  I looked around for someone to tell, but (one of the drawbacks of being single) no one else was there.  I have plenty of people I could have called or texted, but we were in the middle of getting ready for bed.  And then I did talk to Heidi and my sister after that and forgot to tell either one of them.  How is it possible to be so excited about something one second, and then completely forget about it the next?

Vagus just jumped in my lap, and I noticed one of his claws looked a little funny.  They're all much longer than usual, and I have tried repeatedly over the past year to clip them because of that, but he wouldn't let me.  He doesn't usually, but this past year he's hissed and bit at me whenever I've tried.  Tonight I noticed that one of his claws is growing into the pad of his foot!  There's a big clump of litter on it, which is why I noticed it in the first place.  I can't believe I never saw it all the times I tried to clip his claws this year, but that's probably why he's been so violent whenever I've tried.  Poor Vagus.  I bet his limping is all from his foot, too, and not arthritis, like I thought it was.

Follow-Up with the Surgeon

Thanks for all your words of support after my last post.  I'm feeling better the past few days, thanks to what you all had to say, as well as a few good things that have happened in the past week.

I found a workout that does a lot to burn off some of that anxious energy, almost as good as a long run would: a long walk with Finn strapped into my Becco carrier.  Wow, my heart rate was up, I was short of breath and I had a nice long snuggle with my boy, all at the same time!  I've really been missing my workouts, so this is a huge discovery for me.

Then the oncologist called me on Friday to tell me she'd heard from another specialist, this one at Stanford, who agreed with the plan to just watch Finn's tumor with serial MRIs.  Two out of three specialists agree - this is the plan to go with.

Finn had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon today, which was the icing on my cake for the week (and it's only Tuesday!)  Turns out, the surgeon actually trained with the oncologist from Seattle who recommended that Finn get another biopsy, and he said that she always wants more tissue - she always recommends another biopsy when there's any question of what to do next.  Knowing that this is her usual advice makes me feel much better about not following her recommendation.  Is that twisted logic or rational logic?  I just don't know anymore.

What made me feel even better was what the surgeon said would happen if Finn did have to have another surgery.  He said that he'd have to take the entire nerve (the ganglion) that is involved, possibly making his Horner's Syndrome worse, and ensuring that it would never get better.  That's not so bad, Finn looks kind of cute with a droopy eye, but what's bad is the fact that he'd also have to try to get tissue from the part of the tumor that's around the brachial plexus - which would risk damaging the nerves that control Finn's right arm.  And that would be bad.  The surgeon reiterated the fact that infants tend to do really well with this cancer, so the chance of the tumor growing isn't worth risking permanent damage to get more tissue right now.

Today my anxiety is manageable.  It's still there, but I don't feel like I'm about to drown because of it.  Especially when Finn is such a happy boy.

Crazy Worry

My mind is a jumbled mess these days and the post that follows makes that amazingly obvious.  Perhaps I should consider getting a prescription for Xan.ax.  Or maybe I need a vacation.  Too bad I don't have any vacation time left.

I feel like I have been on overdrive for weeks.  The daily stress of what the next step is going to be with Finn has passed, and now I'm immersed in various work projects that take up my time during the day and at night after he's gone to sleep.  I'm so far behind in everything I need to get done and am feeling a lot overwhelmed (I should be doing work right now, but I just had to take a break).

This is on top of the constant worry I have in the back of my head about what the next MRI is going to show.  What if it's gotten bigger or spread?  Is waiting really the right thing to do?  Is this just the calm before the storm or is the worst already behind us?  What if things get a lot worse, and the unthinkable happens?  I've had more than one near panic attack thinking of the possibility that Finn won't make it through this.  I'm hoping that some of this worry will ease off once his next MRI is done, but then I worry that even if the next one is ok, what will the one after that show?

I'm usually not a worrier, and this whole "mom worry" thing was foreign to me to begin with, but add the cancer worry into the mix and I really don't know how to handle suddenly being a constant worrier.  My anxiety seems to be the worst during the day when I'm pumping.  I don't know why that is - maybe because that's when I miss Finn the most?  Or maybe it's one of the few times during the day that I'm alone and it's quiet.  As much as milk supply can be affected by emotions, I'm amazed that my milk supply isn't diminished at all by the amount of anxiety I feel during that time.

Overall I do a good job of putting on a happy face.  My nurse knows I'm not doing as well as I act like I am, but I don't think anyone else does.  Hopefully my patients don't realize when I'm feeling ridiculously annoyed with them, especially those who don't know what's been going on the past 6 weeks.  I don't know why it's so important to me to put on the brave face, but there are times I feel like giving in and having a meltdown in the middle of my office.

Finn is doing just fine.  More than fine, he's thriving.  He wakes up smiling and babbles and coos constantly (occasionally waking up at 4am to have long conversations with either Vagus the cat, or my pillow, I'm not sure which).  He watches everything I do intently, puts everything in his mouth, is fascinated by the cats and loves bathtime and listening to me sing.  Last night I noticed that he could no longer straighten his legs in his size 6 month footed sleepers.  How could a 4 month old who is wearing 9 month sleepers and weighs 18 pounds possibly have cancer, much less a cancer that could even consider spreading?

And yet I can't help but worry.  While hating how neurotic I've become.

Message from Finn

September is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  I think I'd be a lot happier if I had no reason to know this, but since I do, here's a link to Alex's Lemonade Stand and a list of things you can do to help in the fight against this disease.

And in honor of the month, Finn has a message he'd like to share with everyone, in the way only an 18 pound 4-month-old who is kicking cancer's ass can:

A Decision Made

Dr. Maris - the neuroblastoma guru - has looked at Finn's history and given his recommendation.  And that recommendation is no chemo and no surgery for now, just observation!  Based on the location of the tumor and the fact that what the surgeon did get was completely necrotic, he believes the risk of the surgery far outweighs any potential risk of watching and waiting.

To say I'm relieved would be an understatement!  I was preparing myself for another surgery - and to pack up and take Finn somewhere to get it, and I was really dreading it.  I know there's still a chance that one of his future MRIs might show a change for the worse, and surgery might still be in our future.  But right now everything looks good and there are no major medical interventions in the next month. A world renowned expert believes that serial MRIs are the way to go, and plan that makes sense to me. I'm still going to worry, of course, but for now I'm going to try very hard to live in the moment, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

As I catch up with work, I'm hoping I'll have more time to read and comment on blogs - I've been keeping up with everyone, but I miss being able to comment regularly.  I'm hoping I'll have a little time to read books again, and I'm hoping I'll have lots of time to play with Finn without a cloud of constant worry over my head.

You all have no idea how much your comments over the past month have meant to me.  The words of support really have kept me going and I will forever be thankful for them!