First Week Down

I have mixed feelings about being back at work.  I'm glad to have adult interaction again, and to use the part of my brain that's been on hiatus the past few months.  But I miss Finn more than I ever thought was possible.  Wednesday and Thursday were incredibly hard because that was when it suddenly felt real that I was having to leave my baby with someone else while I worked.  I knew this was the way life was going to be as a single mom, but somehow it just wasn't real until I was back at my routine at work.

Things have changed at work, though.  I've cut down on the patients I see a day, and I'm seeing less new patients.  I'm not allowing overbooking.  I'm not volunteering for extra projects or committees at the hospital.  I'm leaving by 5:20 at the latest (I used to leave at 6:30-7, finishing paperwork).  Work is now just my job - it's not my life the way it used to be.  It feels strange.  Good but strange.  Motherhood really does change priorities.  I was worried that this change might bother me, after having been so dedicated to my career for the past 15 years, but so far I'm not bothered by my change in attitude at all.

Finn is doing just fine without me during the day.  That's also made it hard - especially since he doesn't really seem to notice I'm gone, or seem particularly happy when I get home.  We have fun together in the morning, but evenings are his grumpy time, so I don't get a lot of smiles when I walk in the door.  Like Megan commented on my last post, he is reverse cycling: eating just enough during the day to keep the edge off his hunger (4-8 oz in 9 hours) and then eating a lot in the evening, and waking up 3 times to eat at night.  He does go right back to sleep after each feeding, so it's not too bad, and I enjoy the cuddle time before we go to bed, though his frequent feedings mean I don't get much done at night.  I'm pumping 15-20 ounces at work every day, so I am building up a big frozen supply.  I'm thinking I might actually pump a little less at each session, though, because I ended up having to pump this weekend because I was uncomfortable and Finn had already had his fill.  I guess I'll see how the next month goes and then go from there.

This week is going to be crazy at work - our new patient management computer software goes live.  I'm looking forward to electronic medical records, but this week is going to be exhausting.  At least it's a short one - Friday is my day off.

Working Mom

Me at work - self portrait from a few years ago 

I've survived my first two days back at work!  Yesterday was rough, as was the weekend, since I was dreading Monday so much.  Sunday was the worst, as I kept tearing up through out the day.  Poor Finn had to sense my distress, because he napped horribly and was grumpy most of the day Sunday.  Which meant that Monday he was over tired and grumpy too, so poor M, too!

We woke up Monday at 7, and I fed Finn and then got in the shower while he played in his vibrating chair.  He was content to stay there while I put on my make-up after my shower, and then we changed his clothes and went down to feed the cats.  He loves the hair dryer, so he was happy to lie on the floor in the bathroom and watch me dry my hair, and then I was ready for work.  I had been so worried about how I would manage to get ready with him, but yesterday was perfect, and this morning was even better, since he didn't wake up until I got out of the shower, and then wasn't hungry until about 20 minutes before I had to leave.

Yesterday I managed not to cry until I closed the door to my apartment, and then I started crying waiting for the elevator, and cried the whole way to work.  I never ever thought I'd be this emotional about leaving my baby!  Today was better, I didn't cry at all, though I did come close a few times.

Like I said, he had a rough day yesterday, but he did well today.  M took him out for several short walks, exploring the neighborhood, and said he really enjoyed it, even though he was facing backwards and the snap and go stroller frame isn't really made for my neighborhood's bumpy sidewalks.  So after work this afternoon I got out my super cool jogging stroller for M to start taking him out in.  He's too young to safely run with him, but I think he'll like being able to face forward, and the shade on the new stroller is big enough to keep most of the sun off him, too.

He didn't eat well yesterday, but today he took 4 ounces from a bottle without any problem.  He only ate once all day, which seems like too little, but he was in good mood most of the day, so I guess he was happy.  I expect that as he gets used to the bottle he'll add another feeding in there, but for now I'm working on building up a nice supply of frozen breast milk with all the milk I'm pumping at work.

I do kind of enjoy being back at work, but it would be so great if I only had to work a few days every week.   I can already tell the weekends are going to be too short.

First Days with the Nanny

It's only 4 days until I go back to work, and my nanny (M) started work on Monday.  She was here for a few hours on Monday, just learning where everything is in my apartment, and getting to know Finn.  She then went with me to his 2 month pediatrician appointment, where he weighed in at 15.2 pounds.  I still can't figure out how I managed to grow such a big baby!  Our first day was nice - she was obviously comfortable with Finn and he seemed completely comfortable and happy with her.

But the real test was yesterday, when I had to go to training at work and was gone from 5pm-9pm, which is the longest I've been away from Finn since he was born.  Ok, it's only the second time I've been away from him since he was born, and the first time I left him with my mom.  For 45 minutes.  So yesterday was a big deal.  Did I mention that Finn hadn't taken a bottle yet?

But I need to back up just a bit here, because I never got around to blogging about an important player in the rest of the story - my nanny cameras.  I never thought I'd get them, but then Jennie told me I have to, and she showed me the cameras she has around her house - and how she can log in to them from her computer and see what's going on at her house whenever she wants.  That's when I realized how nice it would be to be able to check in, just to see how things were going.  It doesn't hurt that Jennie's husband is a home automation specialist, and knew the best (inexpensive) cameras to get, and was willing to install them for me.  At my interviews I asked the candidates if they were ok with nanny cams (which Jennie's husband tells me I should call surveillance cameras, as that sounds nicer), and told them I planned on having them.  The ethics of hidden cameras aside, it's not like I can hide them - if you go with inexpensive cameras, you don't get tiny, inconspicuous cameras.  I now have 3 cameras in my house and a website I can log into from anywhere and see what's going on.  Not only can I log in, but my friends can log in, too.

Twenty minutes into my training class I get a text from Jennie, "She's holding him and he's taking a bottle!" followed by a screen shot of my living room, with M holding Finn and very clearly giving him a bottle.  Ten minutes later I get a text from M, telling me that he was getting a little choked on the first bottle she tried, and wanted to know where the other bottles were.  I already had some Tommee Tippees clean, so I told her to try that next.  An hour later, she texted me, "He just took 4 ounces, and is now asleep."  Not long after that, Jennie's husband emailed me a picture of Finn asleep in his swing.  When I got home, some soft music was playing, the living room was clean, and Finn was babbling happily in his swing.

Today I left him for another 4 hours, this time to get my hair cut and highlighted.  It was when I was leaning back, having my hair shampooed, when I realized how much I've neglected myself the past few months.  I didn't think I needed time away, but I've realized that I was wrong.  It was wonderful having a few hours of being pampered.  Somehow I'm going to need to find some time to do that at least once every few weeks.  I ran some errands after that (and had Jennie check in to tell me that Finn was asleep in his crib - officially the first time he's stayed asleep there!) and came home to find the laundry done, the floor vacuumed and Finn watching M fold his clothes.  He took another 3 ounces while I was gone, and then ate as soon as I got home.

M will be here for a few hours tomorrow and Friday, and then Finn and I have the weekend together before it's back to work for me.  I'm going to miss him so much, but I do feel better about leaving him, now that it looks like he's going to eat, and it's obvious M likes him and is going to take good care of him.

Second Thoughts

Deep conversation with Elvis (the elephant)

Thank you for such great responses to my last post, both here and via email - it's given me a lot to think about.  Gwinne and several others mentioned donor eggs - and that's actually something I'd be very open to (how sad is it that going the DE route seems easier than adoption?)  I don't want to plan on going that route to start with, though.  I think I'd be comfortable going the DE route if I tried several cycles (at least) with my own eggs and was not successful.  That being said, the more I think about it, the more I know I'd feel best going through IVF with at least one fresh transfer - it just seems that would give me the best opportunity to decide when I was truly done trying with my own eggs.

It was also mentioned that I should consider IUI before going to IVF.  I have thought of that, and it is something I'll discuss with my RE, since I did get pregnant on 2 out of 4 IUI cycles - but that's already almost a year ago, and will have been almost two years before the earliest date I'd start trying to conceive again.  BB bringing that up did prompt me to call Fairf.ax Cry.obank to check on my donor, who's been taken off their website.  It turns out he was taken off because he's reached his family limit, but does still have vials available.  I currently have 2 ICI vials at my RE's office - and now I'm considering buying a few more and keeping them at the bank so I won't have to worry about running out.  We all know they aren't cheap, but if I store them with the bank, I can always sell them back if I end up not needing them.

While the thought of having two children in diapers in my small apartment scares me, the thought of actively trying to conceive next spring/summer feels more right to me than just freezing embryos and planning for a pregnancy in a few years.  It's not ideal, but I feel like it gives me the most options and flexibility.  I may change my mind, especially after talking to my RE in October, but for now, I think that's my working plan.  Which means my goal over the next 9 months is to work on getting back into shape, losing my last TTC weight and being healthy.  Well, that, and raise an infant.  Unlike last time, I'm not going to talk about this to the people around me at work, though.  It was too much pressure, having everyone at work know what was going on, and I don't want to deal with that again.

Trying for Two

Finn's First Rainbow

I've made an appointment with my reproductive endocrinologist to talk about trying for baby #2.  The appointment isn't until the end of October, but now that I've made it, I've been consumed with thoughts of a second child (when I'm not feeling angsty about going back to work, that is).

I know I want two children - I've always wanted two children.  Well, in all honesty, I've always wanted a houseful of kids, but when thinking about doing this as a single mom, I think two is a much more reasonable number than I'd previously planned on.  The question now is how do I go about getting my second child - and when?

I've thought about adoption, but it really isn't the easy option I used to think it was.  There's a huge part of me who would love to have a full biologic sibling for Finn - or even a half sibling - if at all possible.  And I really liked being pregnant, much more than I ever expected I would.  It's an experience I'd like to have again.  So, unless an adoption opportunity drops in my lap, I've decided to try to get pregnant again.

Ideally I'd like to wait until Finn is 2-3 years old, and then try to conceive.  But, my fertility was already iffy when I conceived Finn, and even though I was lucky enough to need only 4 IUIs to get him, I know that I probably won't be that lucky with 42 or 43 year old eggs, and probably not even with 41 year old eggs.

I could possibly still stick to that timetable by going through an IVF cycle next spring, but freezing all the embryos for future use.  The benefit is obvious - I'd have 40 (almost 41) year old eggs, but I could wait until Finn was out of diapers before getting pregnant again.  The drawbacks are considerable, though.  Would I be comfortable doing just one IVF cycle?  If I did only one and none of the embryos led to a pregnancy, I'd find myself at 43 with no chance to try again with my own eggs. I just don't know how comfortable I'd be with doing just one cycle, but then again, I certainly don't want to spend the money on more than one cycle unless I know I really need it.

My other option would be to try to conceive again when Finn is a year old.  Because of my age, I'd probably go straight to IVF - and if it worked, I could potentially have a newborn before Finn is two.  That would make for a hard couple of years (to say the least), but then as they got older, they'd be able to play together a lot more than children who were 4 years apart could.  And it puts me several years closer to being able to do real travel with the kids, which is something I'm really looking forward to (if I survive the first couple of years, that is).  It's taken me 5 hours to get this post written, and all I have in my house right now is one 8 week old.  I can't imagine what life would be like with a two year old and an 8 week old at the same time, but I'm sure it wouldn't be boring.

I wish someone would tell me what to do; I'm hoping that my RE will tell me, or at least give me his honest opinion on which option is most likely to give me another child.  All the while, in the back of my head, I can't help but wonder if I hit the jackpot with an easy pregnancy and a wonderful child, and I should just be happy being a mom and kid family, instead of a mom and kids family.  That's usually just a fleeting thought, my reasons for wanting another child are so strong that I know I need to at least try, but still that little thought finds its way into my head from time to time.

It's a nice distraction, thinking about my next child instead of the fact that in two weeks I'll be 14 hours away from going back to work (more about that in my next post!)

The SAHM Life

Look at that squishy face!

When I was pregnant, I'd halfway joke about going back to work after maternity leave, and how I thought I'd cry when I went back.  But I really didn't mean it.  Now it's a little over two weeks before I have to go back, and I'm crying about it at least once a day already.  I knew I'd be sad, but I thought it would be the kind of sad I feel when I go on vacation and leave my cats alone for a few weeks.  (Really, that's what I thought.)  I wasn't expecting this horrible sadness at the thought of leaving my baby with someone else while I work all day.

It's not even that I find the life of a stay at home mom to an 8 week old particularly stimulating - but it's that he changes every single day, and I love being able to see that.  This morning he woke up at 8 (after a particularly wakeful night - every one hour feeds at one point) and played for an hour or so.  I showered when he started to get sleepy, then rocked him to sleep.  At 11, I met 3 other moms in the media room of my building for a "playdate".  Finn was the youngest - the others were 7 months, 10 months and a year, so I held him and watched the others play while talking babies with the other moms.  We had lunch around noon, then did some shopping at Target, did some laundry at home and had a nice little nap.  Yesterday was even less eventful - aside from a lovely lunch with bunintheoven (and her cute little baby bump!), we did nothing more than sleep, eat, read, play and go for a walk.

I can imagine a time where this might get boring, but by then Finn will be even more interesting and interactive, so we'd have more things to do together.  So maybe it would never get boring.

I never, ever thought I'd want the life of a stay at home mom.  But right now, even a part-time stay at home mom sounds wonderful.  If anyone knows of how I might somehow come into enough money that I could do that, let me know!  (And don't say stripping, that was already suggested, and while my boobs are pretty spectacular right now, the rest of me isn't - and the pizza I'm about to eat is going to help ensure that's not going to change any time soon.)

Ok, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself now.  Most of us have to work, it's not like I'm in the minority here.  I'm lucky enough to have my little guy, I need to focus on that.  And maybe finding us a sugar daddy.  (Not really sure if I'm joking about that or not.)

Milestones

Happy on the downstairs playmat

Finn is 7 weeks old, and I still find myself looking at him and wondering when I'm going to wake up from this amazing dream.  I've wished and hoped for a child for so very long, I'm still having a hard time believing that he's mine.

He's changing so much - he looks huge compared to his pictures from just 7 weeks ago, and every day he does something different.  Three weeks ago, I put him on his playmats and he had no interest.  Now he bats at the toys that hang down, stares at his reflection in the mirror with fascination, and can be entertained by the flashing lights on one of them for a good 15 minutes.  He still eats every two hours most of the time, but at least once a night he goes 3 hours between feeding, and rarely is awake for any longer that it takes for him to eat.  He loves it when I sing to him, but it's the vacuum cleaner or the recording of a hair dryer that calms him down when he's crying because he's fighting sleep.  He smiles, and squeals and coos when he's happy, and he absolutely loves having his diaper changed.  And, in the course of 1 1/2 weeks he outgrew tons of clothes, and suddenly fit into outfits he was swimming in just days earlier.

My friend Jennie was here with us for two weeks, and while it was wonderful to have her help, the very best part was having someone here to share the little milestones with as they happen. I didn't realize that it's not quite the same, calling someone or sending them a text to tell them when Finn does something new and amazing, as it is to share it with someone in the room watching it happen with me.  This is a drawback to being a single mom that I never anticipated.  I also never anticipated how amazing it would feel to have my friends love my little boy - I hope I can raise him to be the sort of toddler and child that my friends will continue to love spending time with.

It's amazing - motherhood is all I imagined it to be and even more that I ever dreamed.

While Jennie was here we did get all sorts of practical things done.  She single-handedly cleaned out my storage closet - I'd started to clean it out while pregnant, and got rid of tons of stuff, but lost steam about halfway through and so it was still pretty much a disaster.  She forced me to be ruthless at getting rid of things, and then rearranged everything herself (it took HOURS) and I now have 12 empty shelves - suddenly my horrible storage problem has gotten much better.  She entertained Finn while I organized the shelves and cabinets in my nursery, and together we came up with a plan for the kitchen and living room cabinets.  I might not be ready to go back to work, but at least my apartment is just about ready.

The Great Nanny Hunt of 2011

Blurry but cute

I can't believe it's been a week since I've updated my blog - it really doesn't seem like it's been that long. Finn's gone through a major growth spurt - ravenous eating followed by a LOT of sleeping, and, in the past 2 days he's gone 3 hours between feedings four five times!  Last night I actually got 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep (thanks to Jennie taking him for me), which is the most consecutive hours of sleep I've gotten since before he was born.  It was so great!

I finally have a nanny - in fact I just offered her the job ("just" meaning 8 hours ago when I first started this post), but getting to this point has been ridiculously difficult.  If you'll remember from my first nanny post, I had one more nanny to interview on the phone.  I still can't believe it: she didn't answer her phone when I called.  She did send me a text - well over an hour later - asking if we could reschedule, but at that point I had no interest in talking to her.

I ended up offering interviews to Applicant #1 (the oldest of 6 kids), #3 (the native Spanish speaker), #6 (the manny) and #7 (the former foster parent).  I didn't hear back from #3, perhaps because I asked her to bring her social security card with her to the interview when she wouldn't allow me to access the background check that's provided by the online nanny finding service.  The manny emailed me the morning before his afternoon interview to ask if he could reschedule to this week - and since that was after I'd already interviewed #1 and #7, I decided not to interview him, either.

That leaves us with #1 and #7.  #1 was great - she was early for her interview, enthusiastic, personable and answered all my questions well.  She's physically active and I know she'll have no problem taking him to the park or swimming (once he's old enough).  The best part was when Finn started to get fussy, she actually asked to hold him.  He calmed down in minutes as soon as she did.  I finished the interview feeling like I could leave my son with her and not worry about his happiness or safety.  Interesting tidbit - she's considering being an egg donor.

#7 was also very friendly and personable, and I enjoyed talking to her.  She had good answers to most of my questions.  It was pretty obvious that she's not physically active, and I was bothered by the fact that she told me she "limited" the tv time her prior charges had (ages 18 mos and 3 years) to 2 hours a day, and saved the parents tons of money by suggesting Ramen noodles for their lunch instead of chicken nuggets and Easy Mac.  Finn got fussy towards the end of the interview, so I asked her if she would like to hold him.  She did not act like she was comfortable holding a baby at all, and when he got even more fussy, she continued to sit in the chair instead of standing up and walking around like most people who are comfortable with babies would do.  I finished the interview thinking I'd worry about Finn constantly if I left him with her.  Interesting tidbit - she became a foster parent because she has PCOS and an incompetent cervix and is hoping to adopt.

So, it seemed obvious that I was going to hire Nanny #1, but I had to check her references.  The first was her sister in law, as she's babysat her nephew since he was an infant.  Of course, the sister in law gave her glowing reviews.  The second reference was her former high school teacher (who she also babysits for). This is where it gets difficult.  I called the teacher's number and got a recorded message that said something like, "you've reached this person's text number, if you'd like to speak to this person, please send them a text."  I texted her that I needed to talk to her about a reference (with all the specifics), but she never called me back.  So 24 hours later I sent her another text, and still nothing.  I called #1 and asked her to try to call her reference, but she couldn't get in touch with her, either.  Which led me to suggest she give me another reference.  She did, this time it was her cousin, whose daughter she picked up from school three days a week all of last year.  I had hoped for a non-family member reference, but since she's not been out much in the workforce, it does make sense that she doesn't have many non-family references.  And, she didn't have to tell me that either reference was family.  Finally, both references seemed genuine, and both gave me specific examples of things she does that they believe would make her a good nanny.  They weren't my ideal references, but I decided to accept them as adequate.

It wasn't an easy nanny hunt, but I'm trusting my instincts and going with Nanny #1 - I offered her the job this afternoon, and she accepted.  Now I've just got to pray that she can survive the first few weeks on the job with a baby who doesn't want to take a bottle!