A Day Late

I work with a great bunch of people.  My partners are fabulous, the staff is great, my assistant is absolutely the best and we all work well together as a team. We've also had a lot of really bad things over the past 3-4 years - cancer, deaths, teenage daughters, car accidents - bad stuff.  This week the trend continued when one of my partners was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma.  He'd already been out sick for a few weeks, but we were expecting him to be fully recovered by now.  Instead he's just been transferred to a different hospital for intensive chemo.  We're reeling with the news, and also struggling to cover his hospital shift this week and find places for all his patients.

This week was supposed to be my first week of starting a little earlier so I could get home by 5pm. I made that early once.  I've had a headache all week.  And I'm so thankful for the 3 day weekend ahead.  Except that Zachary appears to be teething and has been even more difficult the past few days than he was over last weekend.  Nanny M was frazzled when I got home today - and that's rare for her.  So I'm worried about what's ahead for the next few days.  It's times like now that a husband would really come in handy.

Both boys went to sleep relatively easily tonight, though, and I've had a fairly quiet evening (aside from the distant sound of neighborhood fireworks).  I'm hoping for a good weekend and praying Zachary wakes up with a tooth poking through so he can finally feel better.

A day late - here's last week's pictures.

6/25/14: Selfie with Z watching the bubbles

6/26/14: sleeping baby with a full diaper

6/27/14: Z is too heavy to hold while brushing teeth and washing up before bed, but he's completely happy sitting here while Finn and I do his nighttime routine

6/28/14: sleeping peacefully while Finn and I get in a walk

6/29/14: brothers hanging out on the floor

6/30/14: sad face

7/1/14: Z is starting to enjoy his high chair (and clearly Finn adores Z)

Feeding the Family

Feeding baby brother his homemade (and imaginary) soup

A few weeks (months?) ago I posted about cooking, and shared my grand plans for cooking all our meals and sharing recipes here.  So far, I've been doing a pretty good job of putting real meals on the table (complete with vegetables and fruit) almost every evening since I've been back at work.  It's not been exactly as I pictured, though, as I have less time on the weekends and the evenings than I anticipated.  Zachary is at a stage where he needs a lot of attention, and so I can't do much of anything that takes a lot of time except when he's napping.  It's been especially rough the past few weeks, as he's only happy in his jumper or his high chair for a few minutes before he needs to be picked up.

Before going back to work I spent a few hours going through recipes on Pinterest, and created a couple of food boards: "Weekend Dinners," "Weeknight Dinners" and "Veggies."  What I didn't take into account with the meals I marked as weeknight dinners was the needy baby.  And the fact that my cooking skills are still evolving, and so the prep work often takes me 2-3 times longer than the recipe or I anticipate.  

As a result, most of my weeknight dinners aren't too inspired.  We have a few fast and easy meals which require no real recipe we do fairly regularly: tortellini, hot dogs on Friday nights (Finn decided he doesn't like pizza...which is just crazy and hopefully temporary), burritos, omelets and grits, rotisserie chicken with crock pot baked sweet potatoes, turkey meatballs (from Costco or Trader Joe's) with pasta are the most frequent. Amazingly Finn loves salad, so many nights our veggies are just what I can throw together in a salad.  Nothing fancy, but it works.

But I am slowly finding (or rediscovering) some truly fast meals that are home cooked and easy enough for me to do in the short amount of time I have when I get home, so those are the recipes I'm going to share here.  Not that I'm looking to become a food blogger, but feeding my kids healthy meals while making dinner family time and exposing them to lots of different flavors is an integral part of my life as a single mom.

Aside from easy meals like the ones I've mentioned above, freeze ahead meals are also wonderful.  When Jennie was here we made and froze a lot of foods, but I'm just now getting around to using them.  I'm not exactly sure what I was waiting on, but my plan now is to have a frozen meal at least once if not twice a week. I've put a dry erase board on the freezer with a list of all the meals inside of it, which I think will make it much easier to add one or two to my meal plan for the week.  It does take some work to get these meals done on the weekend, though.  Yesterday afternoon I made Pioneer Woman's lasagna roll ups - I started when Z went down for a nap, but unfortunately his nap wasn't very long, so I was only halfway through when he woke up.  As a result, I did half the work while holding him, and when I couldn't hold him he was in the bouncy seat, jumper or high chair with variable a lot of fussing and crying in between.  But I now realize if I'd planned better I could have made the sauce and filling while he was napping earlier in the day, and then put it all together with the noodles during his late afternoon nap.  So next time that's what I'll do.  But it will be a while before there's a next time, as this one recipe made enough for dinner tonight, lunch Monday and dinners for the two of us for 7 more nights.  I put the containers in the fridge before dinner and then wrapped them up for freezing after both kids were in bed.  Finn did help a little - he stirred the filling and the sauce both, and then took great pride in pronouncing the roll ups "DEElicious!"  (I will share that the recipe is a little misleading, as it listed the 16oz of mozzarella cheese in the filling list, when it's actually all supposed to be used as topping, so I put almost 16oz of mozzarella cheese in the filling, and then topped them with just a sprinkling of cheese.  It was the best cooking mistake I've ever made.  I'll never make filling for lasagna or manicotti any other way again...not that I've actually ever made it before.)

My kitchen after finishing the cooking

I loved the suggestions on my last cooking post, including the suggestion to check out the blog Dinner a Love Story.  I've only made one recipe from them so far (Lazy Bolognese - which I see now I pinned to my weeknight dinner board - silly, silly me) but I've really enjoyed reading the blog and feeling inspired to continue my feeble culinary efforts.

Whirlwind

These past few weeks have been crazy and hectic and exhausting.  I don't know if I've ever felt so consistently exhausted in my entire life.  Both boys are changing at an amazing pace, I know that childhood goes quickly, but this is crazy!

I started Zachary on solids this past weekend - he had his first bite of oatmeal (mixed with a generous amount of breast milk) and has never looked back.  I didn't start Finn on solids until he was almost 6 months old, but Zachary has seemed interested in food and has been taking so much milk during the day, it just seemed like it was time.  The biggest reason I waited to start Finn on solids was because of the recommendations to wait until 6 months to decrease the risk of allergies, but now other studies are calling that into question, and one study showed that delaying solids until 6 months may increase the risk for type 1 diabetes.  So clearly no one has any idea what the right answer is - which is when it seems like it's best to go with my gut feeling.  And based on Zachary's reaction to oatmeal, it was the right thing to do.

I'm trying to take better care of myself lately. I've been moving more, and even did an hour of yin yoga before bed last night.  I've also been trying to sleep more, but there just aren't enough hours in the day.

The most impressive thing about this week's pictures are that Zachary is awake in every single one.  He still sleeps a lot, but he's more and more aware of the world around him when he's awake, and getting to be so interactive and so fun.  I don't want this age to ever end, and at the same time I'm really looking forward to him being a little older so it's easier for the three of us to do things together away from home.

6/18/14: he's not rolling over yet, but he's working on it

6/19/14: he's just about outgrown his swing, but it's still his favorite spot to nap

6/20/14: just minutes after his biggest meltdown ever - still not sure what caused it (gas?)

6/21/14: started solids today: one of his first bites of oatmeal

6/22/14: I don't think his eyes are going to stay blue, but I'm loving them now

6/23/14: pensive during snuggle time with mommy 

6/24/14: looking sharp in his overalls

Too Tired to Think of a Title

This past week has been busy, fun and exhausting.  I'm pretty sure Zachary went through a growth spurt, as he was fussy most of the end of last week and the weekend, and ate nonstop.  Today he's slept more than he's been awake, and has eaten much less than he was - and he was in a much better mood while he was awake. I held him while I was telling Finn his last story of the evening before bed and he giggled through the whole thing.

My friend Heidi came in for the weekend, which was a godsend with a fussy baby, though probably not the most fun weekend for her.  We went on an adventure on Saturday to the airport overlook and had a picnic while we watched the planes take off and land.  There was another family there with a little boy just a few years older than Finn, so he had a wonderful time playing with the little boy and watching the planes. Finn loved having his Aunt Heidi here, and is already planning their scuba diving trip to Antarctica (or perhaps the beach, he can't make up his mind) in a few years.

Now this week's pictures: I managed to forget to take a picture one day, and then didn't like the picture I took for another day, so there are two pictures in this week's line up that weren't actually taken on the day listed.  I'm not even going to note which dates these were - in a year I'll only remember one of them.  A lot of these were taken in low light with my phone, so please excuse the graininess!

6/11/14: Zachary starting to stir as his big brother sleeps on

6/12/14: happy brothers

6/13/14: I'm not sure if this face is sadness that this sleeper is too small for him, or discomfort because this sleeper is too small for him 

6/14/14: not loving his hat (with Aunt Heidi at the airport overlook)

6/15/14: asleep on his first picnic

6/16/14: he has just the happiest smile

6/17/14: doctor sleeping on duty

Who's my Daddy?

As Finn was getting ready for bed tonight he looked at me and said, "Who's my Daddy?" I was not expecting this conversation just yet.  And definitely not today, on Father's Day of all days. But it is, of course, a conversation I've been thinking about for years.  So I was ready with my answer. "You don't have a daddy, Finn." 

I wasn't prepared for his answer.  "But we can get one! We can go to the store and buy one."

"Buy one?  Do you know what a daddy is, Finn?"

"Uh-huh." He nodded yes. "And I want to go buy one."

"What would your Daddy look like?"

"He would be hard."

"Hard?"

"Yeah, like one of my toys."

"Would he move or talk?"

"Yes, he would."

"What would he say?"

Finn thought about this for a long moment.  "I don't think I want a daddy.  Let's go buy something else."

Kind of an anti-climatic ending to our first really daddy conversation.  But it does reinforce what I've read over and over again - answer difficult questions from kids simply and directly.  I was prepared for a long conversation about not having a daddy, but it's pretty obvious now that he doesn't really understand what a daddy is.

And I feel a little better about how I'll be able to handle these questions in the future.  When he first asked me the question I felt my heart squeeze just a little, but then I was able to stay calm and relaxed and somehow managed to keep my own emotions out of the mix.  Let's hope I can remain as calm the next time he asks.  I imagine the questions are going to get a little tougher in the future.

Happy Finn at the airport overlook this weekend

Not Super Mom. Just Mom.

I love donuts!

I'm not sure how'd I'd be handling life as a single mom without this blog - without a place to write things down and to get feedback from others.  I really don't.

It's finally really sinking in to me that life right now is different than it ever will be again, and that I really don't have to even try to do it all.  It's ok that I haven't made friends with the neighbors yet - there's plenty of time for that.  It's ok that we stay at home all weekend.  It's ok that I'm wearing the same clothes over and over again because nothing else fits. It's ok for me to say no to extra projects at work.  It's ok that I can't be super mom.

This is my time to be a mom to two small children, and I can't do it all. And that's just fine.

I am trying to find ways to incorporate more activity into my days, though, because I really need the outlet.  Someday I can get up a little earlier and work out in the morning.  But that day is not today.  What I'd love is an elliptical trainer in my house, but a) I'm not sure they're safe with two young boys, b) I don't really have a good place to put it, and c) I don't have the money to spend on a really good one.  Does anyone know of some sort equipment that folds up or is relatively small that I could do some aerobic activity on?  A stepper or something?  I think I might actually do it if I could watch tv at the same time.

Zachary had his 4 month check up on Monday.  He weighs 20lbs14oz and is 27.5 inches long.  Holy moly!  That puts him bigger than Finn at this age, and in the 99th percentile for weight and length.  No wonder he's outgrowing some of his 6 month clothes already.

He's also found his voice - and it's loud!  This morning he and Finn were on my bed while I was putting on my makeup, and the noise was deafening.  It was wonderful.

6/4/14: looking handsome (and pensive) on Mommy's birthday

6/5/14: loved this spontaneous moment between these two - such a great way to start the day

6/6/14: cutest sleeping baby ever

6/7/14: 4 months old today!

6/8/14: he looks like an old man in this picture 

6/9/14: selfie with Mommy at the pediatrician's office

6/10/14: makeshift changing table in my (disaster of a) room

 

What Are You Doing This Weekend?

"What are you doing this weekend?"

Fun at home

I think I was asked that question 10 times today. And every time the answer made me feel like a lazy parent.  "Oh, nothing much." And then I'd think, shouldn't I be planning fun trips for my boys?  Shouldn't I have great and exciting educational activities for them to do at home?  Why am I so lazy?

And then, just now, I realized the truth.

It is hard work getting both boys out of the house.  I could do it, but it's not fun.  I'm tired.  I work all day, and I see my boys for a few hours at most each day during the week. Zachary doesn't care where we go, as long as I'm with him.  Finn has fun at home or out.  He doesn't care.  He doesn't need anything fancy, he just wants to be with me and Zachary.

If my boys are happy, why shouldn't I be happy?  And if my boys are happy, why should I feel guilty? We'll have plenty of time for the exciting adventures in a few years.  And I'll probably never be the one who creates the great educational activities for them at home - outside of reading, that is. For now, the simple routines of laundry, cooking and yard work are enough to keep Finn happy, and all Zachary needs is lots of snuggles and singing.  All things I can do in a weekend without ending up an exhausted, frazzled mess.

I'm 43 years old, and yet I still have trouble remembering that sometimes the best parts of life are when I stop trying so hard and remember to just live.

43

Today is my 43rd birthday.  I have no idea how I got so old.

My birthday always makes me a little melancholy.  Even when I have a good one, like this year, I still feel sad, and I can't quite put the reason for my sadness into words.  So instead of focusing on my birthday, I'm going to focus on the great weekend I just had.  My sister was in town, as were my parents.  While I missed seeing my brother in law and nephews, it was lovely to have quality time with my sister.  I miss her so much - I really hope we can arrange more visits as the boys get older.

Finn is crazy and silly and a little bit nutty.  Zachary is growing like a weed.  I'm exhausted.  That's my life in a nutshell.

5/28/14: brotherly love

5/29/14: hanging out with PopPop

5/30/14: getting some loving from Grandma

5/31/14: his first race - a fund raiser for my sister's friend Kristan.  She's an amazing woman who built her family with help from an RE, and is now facing an even more difficult challenge after almost dying from sepsis last year.

6/1/14: my sister and her nephews

6/2/14: the obligatory "oh crap, I forgot to get a picture today" shot

6/3/14: I took a picture of him here before I left for work, but then my mom sent this one and it just had to be Tuesday's picture of the day