As Finn was getting ready for bed tonight he looked at me and said, "Who's my Daddy?" I was not expecting this conversation just yet. And definitely not today, on Father's Day of all days. But it is, of course, a conversation I've been thinking about for years. So I was ready with my answer. "You don't have a daddy, Finn."
I wasn't prepared for his answer. "But we can get one! We can go to the store and buy one."
"Buy one? Do you know what a daddy is, Finn?"
"Uh-huh." He nodded yes. "And I want to go buy one."
"What would your Daddy look like?"
"He would be hard."
"Hard?"
"Yeah, like one of my toys."
"Would he move or talk?"
"Yes, he would."
"What would he say?"
Finn thought about this for a long moment. "I don't think I want a daddy. Let's go buy something else."
Kind of an anti-climatic ending to our first really daddy conversation. But it does reinforce what I've read over and over again - answer difficult questions from kids simply and directly. I was prepared for a long conversation about not having a daddy, but it's pretty obvious now that he doesn't really understand what a daddy is.
And I feel a little better about how I'll be able to handle these questions in the future. When he first asked me the question I felt my heart squeeze just a little, but then I was able to stay calm and relaxed and somehow managed to keep my own emotions out of the mix. Let's hope I can remain as calm the next time he asks. I imagine the questions are going to get a little tougher in the future.
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| Happy Finn at the airport overlook this weekend |
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I'm glad you handles things so well. :-) I wonder what brought up the question today.
ReplyDeleteYou handled it so well. I need to bookmark this post :-)
ReplyDeleteYou handled that perfectly! The beauty of conversations like this is that as Finn gets older, he won't ever remember having The Conversation about not having a dad. It'll just be something he's always known, always talked about, as long as he can remember. And that's as it should be.
ReplyDeleteI love your direct & honest reply! I think they'll always catch us off guard with the daddy questions. It seems the norm, lol! Just the other day E & I were talking about my mom, who she still insists on calling Da-dee instead of Grandma, & I said my usual line, "Grandma's not a Daddy, she's a Grandma!" E then pointed to me & said, "Daddy!" I laughed & said, "Momma's not a Daddy, I'm a Momma!" to which E replied, "Both, Momma both" Can you believe that kid!!
ReplyDeleteThe daddy question is fast and furious around my place and she is clear that she would prefer a dad because he could play with her like her uncle does with her cousins. At the same time she says she loves our family and she thinks it's cool when I explain to her how she came to be. I hope it gets easier because there are days when I really question this decision, while at the same time I don't want to think about where my life would be without her. I think it's funny he suggested that he buy a dad at the store, I've always felt the same about husbands...lol.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that these questions come at the least expected times. A few times each year I sit down with one or both my boys and read smc books, donor child stories etc. I try to elicit questions and have a real conversation on the topic. More often than not, my children are uninterested. Then the questions surface when we are 2 minutes from school and 5 minutes late or in the middle of a crowded grocery store at 6:30 pm. I find it's best to answer the question honestly but succinctly. Little ones lose interest about 1/3 of the way into the "talk" we so painstakenly rehearsed all these years.
ReplyDeleteGood job!! Elsie has mentioned it once or twice now but nothing major either. But the 'buying a daddy"... lol! Elsie has a similar idea about babies. She told me the other day she didn't want to 'buy a baby for our house.'
ReplyDeleteOh My . We'll done!
ReplyDeleteYou handled that SO well! And I literally laughed out loud at his response about not wanting a daddy and buying something else. Love it!
ReplyDelete