Begin Again

I had a brief moment of "holy shit, am I really going to do this?" when my period started late last night.  It's the only time in all the years that I've been thinking about becoming an single mom by choice that I questioned the thought of wanting more than one child.

It only lasted for a second - I know that my family isn't yet complete - but it was definitely there.  Not so much because of the thought of what having two children will be like.  I know the first few years are going to be exhausting. I know there will be many sleepless nights, and nights where I call my sister or one of my friends in tears because I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I'm prepared for that - I know I can handle that sort of challenge.

No, what triggered that thought was the thought of starting the process of trying conceive again and all the craziness that goes with it.  And so before I went to sleep I listened to a new guided meditation for fertility by Belleruth Naparstek.  I listened to her pregnancy guided meditations when I was pregnant with Finn, and had to get this one as I start TTC #2.  I absolutely loved it.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.

And so I woke up to a beautiful early fall morning and have had a happy and optimistic feeling in my heart all day long.  I hope I still feel this way after my CD3 labs on Tuesday morning!

*****

Thanks to everyone (all 50 of you!) who voted on my lucky socks poll.  The final results were:
27 (54%) for the socks I wore with Finn
22 (44%) for new socks
1 (2%) thought I should forget the socks - who gets pregnant from lucky socks?

In the end, it was the comments that made my decision for me. Kallie talked about the dress she wore with her IUI with her son, and how it now makes her sad to look at that dress when the next IUI didn't work.  Heidi pointed out that if I had different socks for the two children, each child would get their special socks one day.  Tiara, BB and Jessica all worried about tainting Finn's socks if I don't have as good an outcome as I did the first time I wore them.  And Meg reminded me that I'll need Finn's lucky socks again when he learns to drive!  So while I like the idea of using the good luck associated with Finn's socks, I think the 44% who voted for new socks have swayed me.

Now to find the time to hunt down my new lucky socks!

Disaster Waiting to Happen

Oops.

Finn woke up this morning with a fake burp, followed by a giggle.

I woke up to a phone call from the anesthesiologist's billing office reminding me that I haven't paid their bill from Finn's MRI in May.  Oops.

I am such a disorganized mess these days. I'm sure that's not the only bill I've missed paying - if it's not automatically withdrawn from my account, I tend to miss the bill.  I filled an extension on my taxes this year and haven't done a thing towards getting them done yet.  I changed from one TV service to another 3 or more weeks ago because the new company is cheaper, but I haven't cancelled the old service yet. The washing machine in my condo is broken, and I haven't arranged to get it fixed yet (luckily my tennet is out of town). I have boxes that still aren't unpacked stacked high in the guest bedroom.  My closet and dresser drawers have yet to be fully sorted out (I'm wearing the same clothes over and over again).  Finn's nursery, his toys, his clothes are not at all in order - I still have furniture left to buy for his room and for the living room/playroom.  I have work training long overdue, and the thoughts of my endocrine boards looming on the horizon.  My parents never got mother's day/father's day cards or gifts from me.  Several friends still haven't gotten their Christmas presents.  I have birthday cards and other cards scattered around the house, none of them sent - and I love sending cards.

And yet I'm sitting here, blogging instead of getting things done.

I think I'm so overwhelmed with all that needs to get done, that all I manage to do is the basics every day, and the rest just goes by the wayside.  It's working now, but it clearly won't continue to work.  I've got to get my act together before I end up ruining my credit and failing my boards.

As soon as I sign off tonight I'm going to make a list, a list organized in order of urgency (obviously the boxes in the guest bedroom are at the bottom of the list).  And then I'm going to start marking things off the list until it's all done and I can concentrate on the business of getting knocked up.

Does anyone have any suggestions for bill organizers?  Card organizers?  Any other ideas?

One issue has to be resolved quickly and just can't wait.  My period is due sometime this week (hopefully later in the week, as there's currently a very large, very well televised convention going on in my city, and it stands between me and my RE's office).  For every IUI, I wore a different pair of socks.  The socks I wore at my IUI with Finn were definitely my lucky socks.  I carried them in my purse after my IUI until the day Finn was born, and then I wore them on my hands when I got cold while in labor, and on my feet when he was delivered.  And now I'm wondering what I should do with my next IUI.  Should I buy a new pair of lucky socks?  Or should I wear the ones I wore with Finn?

Superstition.  It's a tricky business.

Please take a second and weigh in on my poll to the right! Poll is now closed - thanks to those who voted!

Two Week Recap

This past week and a half has been so full - amazingly so - that I've barely had time to breathe, much less do more than a few quick comments on blogs.  It already feels like Finn's MRI was a month ago, not just 7 days ago.  This is just a bunch of random things all squashed together in one post.  Don't look for any cohesive theme or transitional sentences.  They aren't here!

Last weekend we used a conference as the perfect excuse to escape to the beach for a few days.  Finn, Nanny M and I drove down on Friday night after work.  This was the first long car ride Finn has done...and Nanny M ended up riding in the back seat for most of it.  Even then, Finn wanted to hold my hand while I was driving.  He has become very attached the past few weeks.  It's wonderful to feel so loved but also exhausting!

Saturday morning I sat through a bunch of lectures, then met Nanny M and Finn out on the beach after lunch.  I sat in a beach chair wearing my conference clothes (my pants were pajama bottoms, but I'm pretty sure no one noticed and I was SO comfy!) for almost an hour before taking Finn up for his nap and leaving Nanny M to enjoy herself on the beach.  Up in the hotel room I let a naked Finn run around after his bath, which then led to him peeing on a wall for the first time.  They grow up so fast.

Both nights he slept horribly.  Waking up, tossing and turning and just fussing a little, not actually crying.  Saturday night when I got up to try to rock him back to sleep, Nanny M sat up and said she'd take him.

It was so amazing.

My child was fussy and awake, and someone else took him so I could sleep.  This must be what married women experience when their children are fussy.

Sunday we stayed after the conference was over to spend time at the pool, then loaded up the car a little past Finn's naptime, so he slept more than half the way home.  Which means that Nanny M got to sit in the front seat for more than half the trip!

My parents have been here since Wednesday.  Because Finn is so attached to me these days, they haven't really been able to help me with him as much as I'd like, but it is nice to have a second set of hands when getting things out of the car, or fixing him a meal.  It was great being able to leave on Saturday morning for a massage and not have to pay someone to watch him.  It was even nicer being able to stay gone longer so I could visit SingleMomBB and meet little Ella! I got to hold her for a little bit - and ended up staying much longer than I'd planned because she is such a sweet and cuddly little girl! I could have sat there and stared at her precious little face all day.

After leaving so Ella could get her bath, I headed home to find Finn waiting at the door for me.  We packed up and headed out to a local center that rehabs hawks, eagles and other raptors.  Unfortunately we missed the show where they let some of the birds out to fly, but I did get the chance to have this ridiculous picture taken:

Finn seems to learn something new every day.  He can now understand simple requests, as well as two step requests - sometimes really surprising me with how much he understands.  His favorite word is "no" (of course), and he uses it even when he doesn't mean it, just because he likes the sound of it.  He knocks on door when they're closed, he insists on feeding the cats their dry food, can high five, knuckle bump and is currently obsessed with his belly button.

Of all the things he's learned lately, the worst was tonight.  I made a huge mistake.  I taught him how to fake burp.  He burped while in the tub and when I asked him if he'd burped, he giggled.  So then I fake burped and said, "Excuse me!" in an attempt to teach him manners.  He thought it was funny, so I did it again.  And again. And again.  And then he tried to fake burp and made the funniest sounds ever. We were both crying from laughing, but I know it's going to come back to haunt me one day!

Lucky Number 7

Post-MRI Finn

Finn's 7th MRI was this morning.

The morning didn't start out well.  Finn was up for hours last night, for no apparent reason (third time since Friday that he's done that), and so I was exhausted when my alarm went off less than an hour after he finally fell asleep.  I ran late getting ready, just making it out the door at the latest possible time I could leave and still be on time for our appointment.  Halfway there I realized I'd forgotten Finn's urine specimen.  Of course.

But I still made it there on time, and Finn was shyer than usual, but still friendly with the check-in staff who recognized him, and with the radiology staff who brought us back. Unlike last time we had almost no wait; he barely had time to play with the toys before we were brought back by someone I remembered from Finn's first hospitalization.  The anesthesiologist was one I'd never met before, but I loved her.  She gave me Versed to give to Finn (though she did refuse when I asked if she'd give me some, too), and while it took effect we talked about diabetes and families.  Finn has a healthy dose of separation anxiety these days, so I was really worried about him crying when I had to leave him, but with the Versed on board he just gave me a goofy, somewhat crossed-eyed grin when I kissed him before they took him back with not a tear in sight.

The amazing anesthesiologist contacted ultrasound and had them do their scan while Finn was still sedated, which made things much faster and easier, since I didn't have to fight him while they did the scan, and she also had the MRI tech burn me a copy of the MRI, which I'm not very good at reading, but sure does look cool.  I can't find the primary tumor here, we know it's smaller, but I don't know how much because the report wasn't finalized when we saw Dr. B later this morning.  On the left (the right and anterior side of the picture) I can see what I think is the secondary tumor that has gotten gradually smaller each scan, as well. But I don't know for sure...there's a reason I'm not a radiologist!

Finn's handsome profile

 But I'm getting ahead of myself!  My wait seemed to last forever, as it always does, but finally they came to take me up to recovery.  Finn was his usual happy self post-anesthesia, maybe even more so than usual since the Versed was still in his system.  He was surrounded by 3 nurses all just gushing over him, and he was on the bed, half drunk with a little smile on his face as his pacifier dangled out of his mouth.  He smiled even bigger when I came in the room, and wanted me to hold him, though he was so limp and floppy I almost dropped him.  The nurses again talked about how unusual it is for a child to wake up from anesthesia so happy.  I have no idea how he does it, but I'm so glad that he does!

We did have a bit of a wait at the oncologist's office.  Finn staggered around playing with toys while I tried to keep him from falling, until he suddenly decided he was hungry.  We were out of the baby food pouches, so I'd brought a jar of sweet potatoes along, figuring those would be easy on his stomach.  He insisted on feeding himself - always a messy proposition, but today was even worse with the sedatives still on board.  But he ate and then was mostly happy for the visit with Dr. B.  She had to call radiology to get the report, but came back to give me the good news that the tumor is continuing to get smaller!

Our next MRI was supposed to be in February, but she recently had a baby with neuroblastoma who had a recurrence after a year, so she's been leaning more towards doing an MRI every 4 months instead of every 6.  And since Finn has never been the usual case, she definitely wants to do that with him, so his next MRI will be in December.  This entire year, I've had it in my mind that once Finn made it to a year with a consistent decrease in the tumor size, the chance of recurrence would be tiny, but it turns out that Dr. B doesn't think that risk really drops until age two.

I have a feeling I'm going to be a basket case before the next MRI.

It's tempting now to get bogged down in the worry again.  I had a flash of absolute terror in the waiting room today when I started thinking about what might happen if the scan looked worse today and after 6 months of only minimal worry, it was awful.  For the most part I manage not to worry too much, but this change of plans has shaken me up just a little bit.  (Though it does reassure me that she mentioned this change of plans before she had the MRI results.) It's also tempting to feel sorry for myself and for Finn. Except that we were in an oncologist's office today and saw children that were much sicker than Finn has ever been.  Including once sweet boy with a tracheostomy and a round face suggestive of a lot of steroid treatments, who didn't talk, but came over to Finn and showed him some of the toys, and then showed off his presents he got from the Treasure Chest before he left with his mom.  He was clearly a sick little boy, but also sweet and kind.  And a reminder to me that I can worry all I want, but it's not going to change anything. So just need to enjoy my sweet and kind boy and let tomorrow take care of itself.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try!

Finn and Bella (Nanny M's dog) yesterday afternoon

Schedules

I never did report on how I did with the walking competition at work - I made both of my goals.  I got in 10,000 steps at least 3 days a week every week for 6 weeks, and I walked enough in that time period to make it to the beach from here (which means I won a prize - a grocery bag with our hospital name on it and a water bottle.  Woohoo.)  I'm pretty proud of myself, especially with how hot it was.  I've not been doing quite as well with the eating healthy part of my goal, but I'm not doing badly, either.  Though I could probably eat less donuts.

My new goal as of today is to be in bed by 11pm every night.  The past few weeks I've been chronically sleep deprived, and I'm sure that's not good for my fertility.

Finn has been intermittently sleep deprived the past few weeks, as well.  We're still walking to put him to sleep every night, but suddenly it's not been working as consistently as it used to.  It took me awhile, but I finally figured out that it's his naps that are causing a problem.

When Finn was an infant, I didn't have him on a schedule, and I told Nanny M to just let him fall into his own natural schedule.  The problem is, she's on the go with him a lot, and so I don't think she always notices his schedule.  And I think that over the past few months he's officially grown out of the ability to fall asleep when there's a lot of outside stimulation, so that's thrown a wrench into things as well.

I've noticed on the days when he doesn't nap until around noon, he usually will nap a full 2 hours and then be fun in the evening and fall asleep relatively quickly at bedtime.  On the days when he gets sleepy around 1030, he'll nap for about 45 minutes and then wake up.  He'll usually then nap again in the very late afternoon and have to be woken up by Nanny M for dinner.  On those nights he's miserable to be around, and yet won't go to sleep.  Sometimes for hours.

Thursday, after a particularly horrible Wednesday night, I asked Nanny M to start keeping him awake until noon.  That made for a great Thursday, but then on Friday, he didn't fall asleep until almost 2 (they were out). Bedtime wasn't awful, but I did have to walk for almost an hour before he finally fell asleep.  After that I asked her to make sure he goes to sleep by 12:30 - and I think I'm going to have to ask her to have him home for his naps.

I like that he's out and active so much during the day, but I'm also thinking that at his age, it's time to start having more structure to his day.  He's a bright kid, and I'd like to start doing things to stimulate his learning, but I'm at a loss as to what's appropriate for his age.  I also want things for Nanny M to do with him, things that hopefully they'll both enjoy.  Right now they're out doing Nanny M's activities (with the occasional trip to the zoo or something like that thrown in), which is great for her, and fine for him when he was younger, but not exactly the learning environment I think he needs to be exposed to now.  I am so glad that I have someone who loves him to take care of him all day, but I know that if he were in daycare, he'd be getting all this stuff already.  Does anyone have any good suggestions for activities, or resources where I can find them?

HSG Report

Finn and I had the best morning today.  It was so nice getting up with plenty of time to cuddle in the bed and be silly and no rush to be anywhere.  Our morning was wonderfully slow and simple - I sang "If You're Happy and You Know It" once and then ended up repeating it another 15 times, with Finn chiming in with the clapping and ear wiggling, but he couldn't quite figure out the feet stomping.  Breakfast was a messy experience with Finn using his spoon to feed himself, and when that wasn't enough, he licked the bowl.  Who knew yogurt could be that good?

Too soon it was time for me to head off for my HSG.  I checked in, changed into a lovely hospital gown and socks for my cold toes, and right on time was walking into the radiology suite.

The wonderful x-ray tech caught me taking a picture of the room, and offered to take a picture of me on the table right before the HSG.

Last time my HSG was awful - he couldn't get the catheter through my cervix, and ended up having to use a balloon catheter to get in through.  This time the only bad part was getting the (ginormous) speculum in place. That was awful.  But once it was in the right spot it wasn't that bad. The catheter went right in, and suddenly I was getting that lovely cramping from the dye.  The screen was right at my eye level, so I got to watch the whole thing.  It was normal - as expected - and much less uncomfortable than last time.

I asked my RE about my FSH, and my thoughts of only trying one IUI before going to IVF, and his response surprised me.  He told me that my FSH wasn't unexpected (true), but the numbers don't tell the whole story, and my history of a successful IUI (twice) with the meds we're planning on using made him think it was still worth trying two IUIs, at least.  To paraphrase him, "with your labs, age and prior history, I don't know that IVF would necessarily increase your chances enough to make it worth not at least trying the easier and cheaper method a few times, first."  He did say that he hadn't seen my AMH results yet, but wasn't sure the results would change his recommendation much at all.

His reasoning makes complete sense, so I think I'm going to go back to our original plan.  Am I crazy?

Hormones Run Amok

Is it too much to ask for nice normal hormones?  (Don't answer that.)

Last month I had my TSH checked as part of my routine labs with my gynecologist.  It came back just a little high, 3.78.  So I had her repeat my TSH along with my free T4 and TPO antibodies.  The repeat TSH was 2.06, with a normal free T4 and negative TPO antibodies.  I had samples of thyroid hormone replacement ready to go, but with negative antibodies, I'm not too worried about the TSH now.

AF showed up again Thursday night, so I went in this morning (CD5, thanks to AFs poor timing) for baseline labs with my RE.  My antral follicle count is about the same as it was the cycle that gave me Finn - 6 now, 5 then.  My FSH has jumped quite a bit, from 11.4 to 16 and estradiol is 20. (for those of you not versed in normal values, these are indicators of fertility; my antral follicle count is low, not good, but the same as it was in the past.  My FSH is too high, also not good and further proof my eggs are elderly.) My AMH is still pending, but it's been low before, so I don't expect that to be any different now, though.

Based on these disappointing results, I'm now planning on just one IUI, and then if that doesn't work, going straight to IVF.  I'm still going ahead with the HSG that we have scheduled for Friday, just to give the IUI the best possible chance of working.  We'd decided to not have me TTC this cycle "just in case" there was something abnormal, but the chance of that happening is low, so of course now I'm wishing I'd decided to go ahead and try this cycle.  I had a conversation with my friend LB today where she decided that right now was the time to tell me that she thought I shouldn't be doing the HSG this cycle, and wondered if I really needed it at all.  Seriously, right now, after I'd already rearranged my schedule and am mentally prepared to get it done .  I completely understand her thought process, but right now I'm just not capable of changing course.  Even if she'd brought it up last week maybe, but now?  I love LB, but sometimes she's a very stressful friend to have, as she just doesn't know when to stop.  And sometimes she tries so hard to make sure I know she only has my best interests at heart that she makes it worse.  

I'd really hoped that already having a baby would make this second round of trying to conceive less emotionally draining, but I can already tell that's not going to be the case.  I'm not even on hormones yet and I'm already feeling emotionally labile.

At least I do have the stabilizing factor of my little boy.  We all had a great time at the splash pad this weekend.  Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the morning.

Love this picture of Finn and D - he's such a good cousin and big brother

any idea what this sign is? 

D soaking Oliver while Finn watches

Finn wandered around singing to himself

Oliver after a snack

Itty Bitty Finn Day

On 8/9/10 - two years ago today - I had the IUI that gave me Finn.

Like a few other SMCs, I would like to celebrate today every year, as it ranks up there with his birthday as one of the most important days of my entire life.  But I'm been at a loss for a good name for today. "Conception day" just doesn't sound right, but I couldn't think of anything else.  One of the women I work with came up with a list of possibilities yesterday:

• Knocked Up Day
• Egg Cracked Day
• Egg Invaded Day
• Alien Landed Day
• Itty Bitty Finn Day
• Finn's Real Birthday
• Oven Turned On Day
• Don't Need No Daddy Day
• Sperm Donor Appreciation Day

Out of all of them, loved Itty Bitty Finn Day the best - it just makes me smile.  And so when the alarm went off this morning, I rolled over to see Finn grinning at me and said, "Happy Itty Bitty Finn Day!"  

And then at lunch today, I walked into the breakroom to find this cake waiting for me:

I love the people I work with!

My amazing and wonderful friend Jennie (one of the friends who came to stay with me after Finn was born) has been here the past week to take care of Finn while Nanny M is on vacation.  When I got home tonight he was freshly bathed and ready to go out to celebrate. (Yes, not only do I have a friend that will fly across the country to help out when my nanny isn't here, she also gives Finn his bath, has him make a picture for me...and makes my bed, and puts away laundry....Jennie rocks, and I'm not just saying that because she's currently sitting on the couch next to me while we watch the Olympics.) We went to a yummy burger joint and kept Finn entertained with the contents of our purses and letting him sit on the table while we waited for food. 

After almost 15 months, you would have thought I'd be able to leave the house with everything he needs.  Seriously.

There's a great splash pad just outside the restaurant - it's really best for older kids, but Finn was interested in checking it out.  Saturday we're meeting my sister and her boys at a splash pad with a section just for younger kids.  Based on his fascination with the water here, I think he's going to love it.

(I really need to get my hair highlighted!)

This past week Finn has gone from a crawler who would occasionally walk, to a walker who will occasionally crawl.  He's not my little baby anymore!