Two Years

Two years ago today I went in for a D&C after my first pregnancy ended at 9 weeks.  I'm still sad about it, but in a wistful sort of way, not the same deep hurt I felt when it happened.  My life is too full with the wonderful little boy that is Finn to feel anything more than that.  I feel so lucky - and much more sad for my friends who also have experience miscarriages, but are still waiting for their babies.

I've been so consumed with weaning Finn that I haven't given much more than a passing thought to the actual process of TTC #2 until today, when the date made me pause.  I stopped and remembered the anxiety and hassle and worry and heartbreak that goes along with TTC.  It is all so worth it, but I'm really not looking forward to it.  Not one bit.

I did sit down and think about what's going to happen in the next few months.  I am supposed to call after my first "normal" period after weaning Finn.  Since I haven't had a period since July 2010, I'm not going to consider my first period normal, even if it happens after he's fully weaned and seems like a normal period.  I'd like to have several cycles for my supplements to have time to work before I actually start TTC.  So once I get that first normal period, I'm supposed to go in for my Day 3 labs and ultrasound, and schedule my HSG.  As long as there are no big surprises with all those tests, my next cycle after that will be the one that I start meds for an IUI.  Thinking about timing, that means that if I get a period very very soon, I could conceivably start TTC in August.  But realistically speaking, it's more likely to be September.

I'm glad I thought about this tonight.  Realizing that weaning within the month puts me at September at the earliest to start to TTC (and that's if all goes the way it's supposed to) has me a lot more motivated.  I don't want it to be winter before I start trying!

When I first started down the path to motherhood I said, "I'm never going to do IVF, I'll stop if it comes to that."  That changed - the IUI that stuck was going to be my last; I was prepared to go to IVF next if it didn't work.  What changed my mind was reading blogs, and hearing other women's stories and realize that while IVF isn't fun, it was something I could do.  Now I'm prepared to do 2 IUIs and then go to IVF (or just one IUI, if I have a poor response to stims this time around).  And I'm also prepared to go the DE route if IVF fails, too.  I don't know how many IVF cycles I'd be willing to try - I don't think it's possible to say for sure until I'm there.  But I do know that if I decide I'm done trying with my own eggs, I'll wait a couple of years to save up money and then try with DE.

I never would have thought I'd even consider that route.  It's amazing how time changes your perspective, isn't it?

I still haven't bought more vials of sperm.  I have two in storage with my RE, and I keep meaning to order more, but I have to call and speak with someone directly (my donor is sold out to new families) and I just never do it.  I'm going to make myself a reminder right now to do that on Tuesday.  If I do end up doing DE, it would be so nice if that child and Finn could still be half-(biological) sibs.

Sleeping Alone

Taken with my phone, about 2 seconds after he woke up

Since May 12 of last year, the only times I slept an entire night in a bed by myself were the two nights after Finn's surgery that he still had his chest tube in, and had to sleep in the crib.  I didn't get much sleep those nights, since I kept my hand through the bars of the crib and stroked his hand, arm and hair most of the night, so I'm not sure they even count.  I've gotten used to sharing my bed, and now that Finn's older and I don't have to worry about being as vigilant about having a safe sleep environment, I sleep a lot better than I did for those first months.  It's cozy, sharing my bed with my son.  I love waking up with him snuggled up next to me, or hearing his waking up noises when he first starts to stir in the mornings.  He always wakes with a smile - something he definitely did not get from me!  We spend so much time apart, it really does feel like a time to reconnect, even if we're sleeping through most of it.

I do kind of miss the comfort of sleeping alone. I have cricks in my neck that may never go away, and have discovered that a little baby can take up more space in the bed that a grown adult, meaning I rarely have much room on my side of the bed.  But the thought of putting Finn to sleep in his crib and not having his little warm body next to mine all night makes me sad.

But it looks like I don't have a choice, since he's been feeding at least once, if not twice during the night, and is not showing any signs of stopping.  Often I don't even realize he's breast feeding - I wake up to find him latched on.  (Do I pull up my shirt for him in my sleep or does he do it on his own?  I have no idea!) A few times I've woken up as he's rooting around, and have been able to distract him with his pacifier, but other times nothing will work but the breast.

I think that he would probably sleep the night through if he didn't wake up with me close by.  I'm pretty sure he wakes up, says, "I smell milk!" and decides to eat.  I'm not positive, but I think he'd sleep the night through if I wasn't there.

We've made progress on getting him to nurse less.  He gets a few ounces of breast milk with supper in his sippy cup (he usually won't drink more than a few ounces).  And then right before bed, I give him a bottle, and he usually will drink another 3 ounces then.  I'm pretty sure that he breast feeds for less time since we've been doing that, and I feel like my milk supply has dropped a little, too.  I'm hoping that over the next few weeks, we can gradually give up the bedtime nursing session.  That one is going to be the hardest to do, I know.  I imagine there will be tears.  Both his and mine.  But I think the sippy cup at dinner and the bottle before bed are going to get us there.

First, we have to stop the nighttime feeds.  The only way I can see that happening is if we stop sleeping together, at least for a while.  I really doubt he'll sleep the whole night in his crib, but I think it's possible he would sleep the whole night alone in my bed.  Since that one night I found him half fallen out of the bed, he's been more cautious about the edge of the bed, and I've moved the bumpers so he can't repeat that near disaster.  He sleeps 4 hours a night alone in the bed every night now, and he's safe, and he will wake up and soothe himself back to sleep when I'm not there.  I'm pretty sure that he'll be fine, and after a few nights, will sleep the night through without any extra snacks.

I'm just not sure if I'm going to sleep well, alone in the guest bedroom while he sleeps in my bed.  But starting Tuesday night, that's what I'm going to do.

I think.

I am so glad that there is a 3 day weekend almost here!  I plan to spend hours catching up on blogs...I'm so behind.

Celebrate Good Times

Birthday Boy

Years ago, I attended the birthday party of a two year old whose mama went way overboard.  There were easily 60 people at this party, and the little girl (we'll call her A) had at least 30 presents to open.  I'll never forget the horror on her mom's face when, about 15 presents in, A decided she'd had enough and threw a fit when her mom wouldn't let me read her the book I'd given her.  "Great Shannon, your gift has stopped the entire party."  Two things struck me then.  First was the fact that if I'd had a little girl who was opening tons of toys, and yet it was the book she wanted to read, I'd be over the moon thrilled. The second was, what did this little two year old need such a huge party for?  The years passed, and every year her birthday was celebrated with another over the top celebration.  I can't help but wonder what a disappointment her future birthdays will be, when no one throws her a big party.  Even a few friends taking her out for a lovely dinner will seem like a let down.

At the other extreme are the people whose family have never made a big deal out of any occasion.  InBetween's post last week has the perfect example of what that can lead to - adults who don't think that celebrating special days with and for your loved ones is important.  Not taking the time to let do special things for your loved ones makes life pretty dull.  And can lead to some really hurt feelings.

With my family, I'd like to find a way to fall somewhere in between the two extremes.  I want to celebrate the special days in a way that teaches Finn that it's important to make a big deal out of these moments, and that it's possible to do that without a lot of expensive presents.  (Though a few presents can be a good thing!)  Not to mention that it'll be a lot of fun along the way, and create some good memories for us both.

So, Finn's birthday party was an epic failure as far as that whole "avoid over the extravaganza" plan goes.  There were 18 people there, a lot of presents and a professional photographer (we never got Finn's 6 month pictures taken, so my friend owed me a session).  It was a lot of fun, though.  The kids ran in and out of the house, playing hide and seek and tag, blowing bubbles and writing birthday messages for Finn with chalk on the driveway.  The adults drank beer, ate Mexican food and let the kids run wild.  It's not something I want to do every year, but as a first birthday party, it pretty much rocked.

Outdoor fun

This cake tasted much better than Finn's egg free, wheat free ickiness

Kids Wearing the Party Favors

Ollie's sad face (because he couldn't open presents, too)

Finn and Lillian

I've always wanted a party with balloons on the mailbox

We're not going to have a party like this every year.  And besides, I want Finn to learn to want to celebrate the special days for the ones he loves, too, not just his own special days.  Some things will be easy.  Like starting the tradition of the birthday flag.  Everyone (me, Finn, Nanny M, future sibling) will get the birthday flag flown for their birthday week.  When he's older, we'll even fly the birthday flag for other family and friends if he decides it's a good idea.

Other things will be harder - it seems a little weird to be the one to make my birthday or Mother's Day a big deal.  It would be easier with a husband to do these things, but without one, I'm not exactly sure what to do, aside from giving Nanny M some money to take Finn shopping and let him pick out a gift for me.

What traditions does your family have (or do you hope to have) that you love?  How are you celebrating the big days with your kids?  Oh, and what other days have you found to make a celebration out of that aren't the obvious?

527,040 Minutes

Just minutes after you were born

Dear Finnegan,

Five hundred twenty-seven thousand forty minutes ago, I heard you cry for the very first time.  One year ago today, at 4:11am, you were born (this year was a leap year, if you're doing the math).

It seems like just yesterday that I was waiting impatiently to finally be able to hold you, but as I look back over the events of your first year, I find it hard to believe that all this happened in just a year.

The first few months were just a blur.  You ate every two hours, and if you were late getting your food, you were not happy - and you made sure everyone knew it. And then the hours between 6-10?  All you did was cry. No, that's not true.  You cried if I didn't rock you and cuddle you and let you nurse constantly.  Most of those evenings we spent upstairs in your nursery, me watching videos on my computer while I held you and and kissed your fuzzy head and waited for sleep.  I didn't go out much those first few months, and you were happy to stay at home, too.

Just when it was time for me to go back to work, you started to go longer between meals.  And when you started to go longer between meals, you were happier for longer periods of time.  Your sweet personality started to come out, and I fell in love with you all over again.

About that time was when you had your first MRI.  The few months right around your diagnosis with neuroblastoma were dark and scary days for me.  But you were such a trooper through it all.  The way you charmed the nurses and doctors taking care of you and smiled through all but the worst days were such a blessing. I would look at your chubby little face and wonder how it was possible you had cancer.  And then you surprised us all by kicking cancer's ass.  No one knows how you did it, but your tumor continues to shrink, and I am so thankful.  I still worry about it, every day.  (You might as well get used to me worrying, because I don't think it will ever stop.)

The next few months were full of firsts.  First tooth, first Halloween, first solid food, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas... Looking at you now, it's hard to remember the days before you were able to sit up on your own or crawl, and soon I'll find it hard to remember what life was like before you were able to walk.  Soon, but not too soon, please.  I like watching you crawl.

Today, on your birthday, you're starting to look like a little boy. You have a full head of hair, and seven teeth in your mouth.  You babble and look at me as if I'm supposed to understand what you're saying.  You do understand what I'm saying some of the time, and will occasionally grant me a huge, slobbery, open mouth kiss when I ask for one, but usually you'll just blow me a kiss instead.  You aren't a huge cuddler, but every morning when I sit down to put on my makeup, you insist on sitting on my lap.  We still sleep together, and you like to make sure that one foot or hand is touching me at all times.  Occasionally - just occasionally - you'll even snuggle.

You love books.  I love to read, and have been trying to cultivate a love of reading in you, too. Of course, it's too early to tell, but the way you pick up books and study the pages so intently makes me think you're impatient for the day you'll finally be able to read the words yourself.  We have our favorite books to read, and you now anticipate some of the words and sound effects that I make to go along with them.  I love watching you smile when we get to the parts you like the most.

I try to fill the house with music, because when you hear a song you like, you can't keep your little body still.  You bounce up and down, and - when you really like the song - wave your hands in the air as you dance.  Maybe you'll be lucky and have some musical talent, but even if you don't, I know you'll grow up loving to listen to all sorts of music - opera to rap and everything in between.

It's so easy to make you laugh.  A funny face.  A silly noise.  A tickle in just the right spot.  The cats brushing their tails on your leg.  Sometimes I hit on just the right thing and you laugh uncontrollably.  I laugh right along with you, sometimes so hard it makes me cry.

I wonder if you'll ever be mad at me for not giving you a dad.  I hope you'll know how very much I wanted you, and understand that I just couldn't wait any longer to find you a dad - I had to have you on my own before it was too late to ever have a baby.  I am so glad I made the decision to be your mom.  I loved you before I ever met you, and now that I've met you...I love you more than I ever thought possible.

Happy Birthday, my little man.  May this be the first of many happy and healthy birthdays to come.

Taken on your last day of being Zero

A Night in Pictures

The past week or so, Finn has decided to stay up later than usual.  So instead of our quick and short evenings together, the past two nights we've had several hours together.  I haven't gotten as much work done as I should, but it's been great having that much time with him.  Last night we were having such a good time, I broke out the camera - some of the pictures are a little dark, but it was early evening and I was trying to avoid the flash.  

Finn's dinner is now shared with me, and he eats what I eat.  He's taken to wanting to feed me a few bites, which he thinks is hilarious, and also wanting to sample some of what's on my plate, even though we have the same food.

Mexican chicken - yum!

Then we've practiced sign language - his technique is a little off, but the message is clear.

More!

More!

More!

In the time it takes for him to eat his dinner, I eat my dinner, have an apple (which I share with Finn) for dessert and clean the kitchen.  He's a very slow eater. Perhaps I should learn from his example and eat a little more slowly, too.  It's supposed to make it easier to eat less when you eat more slowly, right?  For the past two nights, while he's eating, he's also been drinking.  Drinking what, you ask?  Drinking breast milk!  From a sippy cup!  So far it hasn't made a difference in how much he nurses at night.  Ok, so it didn't make much of a difference last night.  But maybe tonight!

Yay mommy's milk!

After he gets cleaned up (it's much harder to clean him up when he's fed himself than when I feed him), it's time to play on the floor.

Not this toy

Are you talking to me?

And now - we dance!

There's lots of giggles, playing with toys and general goofiness before heading upstairs for bed.  From here we stick to our regular routine: bath (not every night), bedtime music, soft lights, a little playtime and then a few stories.  He still fights going to sleep, but the slightly later bedtime has cut down the fight time to about 20-30 minutes.  Still way too long, but it's not as bad as it was.  He still does the up and down thing but it takes a lot less time for him to settle down and go to sleep, and so it's easier for me to tolerate without getting frustrated.  And he has (for the most part) stopped trying to throw himself off the side of the bed.  Never thought a highlight of my days would be when my baby gives up on trying to take a header off the bed.

I love these evenings.  The thing about babies is that the routine is always changing, but I hope this one stays around a while.

Before bedtime cuddles

On a completely unrelated note - several people asked me about the eggless, wheatless cake mix I got for Finn. I got it from Earth Fare, made by Cherrybrook Kitchen.  I'll let you know how it tastes!

Swim Lessons

Yesterday morning, Finn and I woke up and had our usual Saturday morning cuddle in the bed while reading a few books.  We couldn't lollygag, though, because we had things to do.  Finn had his first swim lesson at 9:30.  I put on my swimsuit under my clothes, got his swim diaper, towels and headed out the door.  We walked in 15 minutes before his class, went to check in, and heard these words, "Oh, his class started at 9."

Whoops.

So it looks like his first class will be next week.  At least he's too young to be disappointed.  And from now on I'll be sure to check, double check and triple check the start times of lessons, practices and games, so I won't ever disappoint him by getting the time wrong again.

We have had a great weekend together.  We did some shopping for his birthday party, and found a cake mix that is free of eggs and wheat, so he can eat cake.  (I ordered a real cake for the rest of us, as I'm sure that egg and wheat free cake is not going to be all that great!)  We still don't know for sure what he's allergic to, since I forgot to take the lab order for his allergy testing with me to his MRI last week.  We played, went for a walk, and visited my sister and her family yesterday evening and I even had time to paint my toenails.

Trying on glasses while shopping

I made some headway in getting the house in order, and even hung up a few more pictures.  I need another 3-4 weekends at home to get it all done, but at least it's going the right direction.  At this rate, I might be unpacked by the 4th of July!

And, to make a good weekend even better, I cooked an easy meal tonight that I loved and so did Finn.  It started with a post on this blog (I can't even remember now how I found her) about making your own taco seasoning.  I used her recipe and whipped up my first homemade taco seasoning this morning; it looks so pretty on my countertop! And then I found this recipe for Mexican chicken.  I added a can of corn (I went with low sodium beans and corn) in place of olives (yuck) and let it simmer all day.  It was delicious.  My servings were wrapped in tortillas, but Finn just had some spooned onto his plate with a little cheese on the top.  He kept asking for more, so I think he liked it.  I had enough to freeze three servings for later as well as enough to have it a couple more nights this week.

Week 1 of Project Cook at Home is off to a good start!

Hanging Up My Pump

my office door

It's been three weeks since I last pumped.  It's amazing how much longer my lunch hour seems every day.  And I no longer have to worry about freezing milk and cleaning pump supplies every night, so I have a little extra time every evening, too.  Today I brought home my pump and hands free pumping bra, and took down the sign that's been on my door since August, warning people not to come in if the door was closed.  (The blue sign was one of the million welcome back signs my nurse put up in the office when I came back; I can't bring myself to take that one down.)

It was definitely time to stop pumping.  Finn pretty much refuses to drink breast milk out of a sippy cup, and he's not too interested in drinking it out of a bottle, either.  So I have a huge supply of milk in my freezer that's not being used; I really didn't need to continue adding to it.  I've seen others mention using breast milk in baby food recipes like yogurt - maybe I should do that so it doesn't all go to waste.

If I weren't going to try for baby #2, I'd be happy to continue breast feeding.  Well, not exactly happy, but I'd do it.  I'm so glad I've been able to breast feed this long - he got exclusively breast milk until he was 6 months, and I continued pumping until he was 11 months old.  I never thought I'd make it this far!  But...I'm tired of my enormous boobs and not being able to fit into all my tops.  I miss my regular bras.  My left nipple tends to be just a bit sore all the time, since that's Finn's favorite and something about the way he latches on now is little irritating.

On the other hand, it's so nice to be able to comfort him with a little breast feeding. When he was sick a few weeks ago, he didn't want food but he was still able to nurse.  If he wakes up in the middle of the night, I can offer him my breast and he usually calms right now.  Now that he usually sits up and plays for a bit after nursing at bedtime, there's always at least one laugh out loud moment at bedtime.  My favorite is when he's been sitting up for a few minutes, and I'm still lying down, with my shirt pulled up.  He'll look around the room and suddenly his eyes land on my breast.  His entire face will light up, and he will lunge forward, mouth open, and fall face first into my boob.  He's such a boy.

The pros do outweigh the cons.  And so, if I weren't going to try to have another baby, I'd continue to nurse at night, and let Finn decide when he was done.  But I do want to have another baby, and I'd like to start trying this summer.  Since I'll need to take medications to do that, I have to wean Finn first.

Before we moved, he was nursing 1-2 times a night.  He went back up to 3 times a night after we moved, but the past week or so he has been moving towards twice a night again.  Now I need to find a way to help him move to none at all.

To start with, Nanny M and I are going to change his eating schedule, starting next week.  She usually feeds him his dinner around 5pm, and then (if I eat dinner), he has a little snack with me while I eat. Monday, Nanny M is going to give him a snack around 5pm, and then he's going to eat dinner with me around 6-6:30.  (I haven't quite figured out the timing - I'd like to be able to go for a 30 minute walk when I get home at night, but I'm not sure he'll want to wait to eat until 6:30.)  I've decided that he's going to eat what I'm eating for dinner at night - what better way to force myself to start eating more healthily?  I'm going to cook a large dinner on Sunday night, and have leftovers for a few nights.  If I make something big enough, I'm going to freeze a few servings to have on other weeks, later in the week.  I should also try to find some crock pot recipes to have later in the week, too, so maybe I'll only have to cook two meals a week, and can live on leftovers the rest of the week.

I'm hoping that having a bigger dinner a little later will help keep him from wanting to nurse as much at night.  The next step will be to try to get him to take a bottle of breast milk before bed.  I have no idea if this will work, but it's worth a try. Aren't babies supposed to get milk every day?  Finn eats at least one yogurt every day, but I think he should be getting another serving of milk - either from me or from whole milk, right?

I also need to stop letting Finn latch on whenever he wants to at night, especially when I know he's not hungry.  I have offered him his pacifier a few times with variable success, so I should probably start doing that consistently.

There has to be a huge hormonal effect still going on here, because the thought of weaning makes me incredibly and unexpectedly sad.  (But oh so thankful that tonight I'm worrying about weaning and not about cancer!)

MRI Report #6

25lb boy, waiting at the oncologist's office

I'll start with the most important news first - the tumor has decreased in size again!  It's still there, but this time it measured 0.9 x 0.5 cm, which is pretty damn impressive compared to 2.4 x 2.3 cm in September.  Of course I started crying when I heard the news.

It was another long day, as all MRI days seem to be.  I slept horribly, thanks to the sense of dread I felt the entire night.  Our day started at 5:30, when Finn woke up crying inconsolably for no clear reason.  He finally calmed down, and seemed like he was going to fall back to sleep, so I cuddled in the bed with him until 6:30, when he suddenly woke up all the way and grinned at me.  We had to leave at 7:15, so I had to get ready in record time, and was so proud of myself when we were pulling out of the driveway at 7:15 exactly.

This time we started with his abdominal ultrasound first, and he did not like it at all.  I nursed him while he was getting his ultrasound the last time, but since they started with that today, he was still not allowed to eat or drink anything, so I had to entertain him with a sticker and singing, with variable success.  We then waited for a while before we were taken back to meet with Dr. Y, the anesthesiologist, one we've had many times before, and who seemed genuinely happy to see Finn.  (In fact, it was the same guy who said, "The baby with CANCER for the MRI?" back when Finn was first diagnosed.)  I think it was another 30 minutes before it was finally time for Finn to get his MRI.  Despite the fact that it was well past his breakfast time, Finn did great.  He was a little fussy, but easily distracted and very cuddly. Usually one of the nurses takes Finn from me, but this time Dr. Y carried Finn out of the room - Finn waved at me as he was carried out, and then I saw him smile around his pacifier at one of the techs who was following them into the MRI room.  That made me feel so much better, and amazingly I didn't cry. 

He was in MRI for almost an hour and a half, but was again flirting with the nurses when I went back into recovery to get him.  He had one single tear on his face from where he'd cried when they took his IV out, but waved to everyone when we left, and blew a kiss to his nurse, so it doesn't seem like it was that traumatic.

At the oncologist's office he had his blood count checked (which was all completely normal for the first time ever) and barely cried at all because he was busy being entertained by bubbles when the did the stick to get his blood.  Dr. B came in a little while later and said that the ultrasound continued to be normal, but the MRI hadn't been read yet.  I didn't get the results of that until I was almost at the office.  This is the first time I haven't had time to call anyone immediately with the news, or time to update here.  I talked to my sister, and texted a few friends and that was it.  I definitely did not tell my mom that I'd gotten the results an hour or so before I talked to her.

I had a headache and felt nauseated most of the day - the headache is finally easing off, but I still feel pretty rough.  This neuroblastoma diagnosis is like a dark cloud that's hanging over me, one I can ignore to some degree, but I never completely forget about it.  Some days, it threatens to overwhelm me, especially when I hear about bad things happening to other children.  The days before an MRI are always the worst, because I just can't ignore it, and all the fear I've ignored for the preceding few months kicks in and just about smothers me.  I think that cloud lifts just a little after every MRI, but as Dr. B said today, I'm going to be scared before every single MRI.  We aren't going to be free of this for another 6 years.  Yep, his last MRI is scheduled for right after he turns 7.  The oncology team is very optimistic, and says this is just to be on the safe side, but damn, it just sucks that we have to be doing this.  I wonder what the first year of a child's life would be like, not having to face a cancer diagnosis.  I really, really hope I get to find out sometime in the not too distant future with Baby #2.

I think that for his next MRI I'm going to take the entire day off.  I might even have Nanny M come in the afternoon and treat myself to massage or something once the results are in.  This going to work after a long, stressful morning thing is just stupid.