I'm just so tired. And I'm so short tempered as a result, which is a bad combination with a sleep deprived 2 year old. The past two weekends (and the evenings) have been so hard with Finn being a typical toddler - defiant, difficult and demanding - and me feeling like a shrew as a result. I know I could handle a lot of this better. I know I could defuse many of the situations that get out of hand if I responded the right way. And I generally know the right way. But I'm just so tired, I don't have the patience to respond with a sense of humor and calm demeanor that is needed. I don't have the energy to be the mom that I want to be and know I can be. I really don't like who I am as a mom right now, and am shocked that Finn still wants to spend any time with me at all.
I need a break. Just a few hours. Every minute that I am awake and Finn is in bed I should be doing something (and tonight that something is not scheduled to be talking to my sister or blogging, but that's what I'm doing). So I stay up too late, and then I'm even more tired. And I need even more of a break.
Tonight I got some bad news. My 90 year old grandmother passed away this afternoon. She's been in gradual decline over the past few years, so it's not an absolute shock, but still unexpected, as there was no illness or real change lately that gave us any warning that the end was imminent. We were very close when I was younger, but have not been as close since I've been older - it's been especially hard the past few years as she's aged and has changed so much from the woman I remember. I'm going to try to remember the woman who told me bedtime stories of the glamorous life I would lead when I grew up, who would give me hot dogs and Butterfingers for lunch every day, and who would come in from working in the garden wiping her face with a little smile and say, "the sweat is just a rollin'!"
I feel very guilty, but I don't think Finn and I will be able to make it to the funeral. I'd love to be able to go, I'd love to be able to see my family, but the thought of the travel right now...I just can't even imagine mustering up the energy to get myself down there, much less Finn. My mom sent an email tonight that said she had lunch with my grandmom today, and she'd asked about us. And then said that my grandmom would understand if we couldn't make it. I still feel horrible that I'm even considering not going.
And tonight was a low point in my parenting. Lots of crying from Finn and me both. I hope I'm not scaring him for life.
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| Finn with his Great-Grandmom two years ago |
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I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother.
ReplyDeleteOn the parenting stuff you need to go easy on yourself. Growing humans is exhausting and then also having to take care of a toddler is close to impossible. I remember being so crabby and unpleasant. It will get easier once the baby is on the outside. It will be a new kind of tough but it will be more manageable because you will have your body back to yourself (mostly!).
So sorry about your crappy night and sad news about your grandma. I hope you get a few minutes break soon! Don't feel guilty at all for not going, it does sound like too much!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss :(. I dread the passing of any of my east coast elderly relatives because there's no way in hell I'm making that trip pregnant with a toddler. No way.
ReplyDeleteI too have felt like a craptastic parent lately. I blame pregnancy exhaustion and hormones which I believe are a major culprit in how depressed and hopeless I've felt the last couple of months. I try to remind myself that B won't remember these times when mom just wasn't herself, and that when I can, I will do better. It's the only thing that alleviates some of my guilt.
Ahhh Shannon, I'm so sorry about your grand mom. I love that picture of them together..just lovely. Give your pregnant, tired self a break. I soooo know how you feel. When you're so damn tired and frustrated and then your kid looks at you, takes off his wet diaper and smears the contents on the floor. It's almost like you watch yourself twirl about like one of those troll dolls in anger as yourself screeches in anger and horror. You see it happening, yet you can't stop it. You know he's testing you, trying to get a reaction, and you know, YOU KNOW, you should just walk away. But you don't.
ReplyDeleteLike me, right now. I am exhausted. And I'm thinking if I can get in bed by 10:05 I can be asleep by 10:15 which will give me almost 8 hours of sleep. But here I sit still typing this comment.
Why do we do this? That's what I want to know.
But give yourself a break. You're an amazing mom. Finn knows it. I know it. We all know it. And you know it. And since you're not feeling it today, let us bloggers know it for you.
So sorry. Please know that you are so very not alone in your struggles to be a good mom through sleep deprivation (I probably could have written portions of this post myself). There are many times I wonder that if this is what being a parent is like, how any of us turned out alright. Apparently we survived our parents (who I am sure were just as bad as we are) and our kiddos will survive us and probably even still worship the ground we walk on (for that developmental window).
ReplyDeleteThere is a video going around Facebook that shows interviews of moms sharing what they want to improve on (and they say the same things we would). Then it shows their children being interviewed and describing their moms. And they all had great things to say. I am sure Finn would say something similar if he had words. You are a great mom (and you care enough to worry that you aren't!).
I'm sorry for your loss, she sounds like she was a wonderful woman.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so tough on yourself, somedays parenting can be really frustrating. Whenever I have a bad day, I'm reminded that it is ok for our kids to witness us frustrated and not all sunshine and rainbows. The reality of life is that it isn't always easy, and it is good for our kids to see us struggle and to then overcome it. Hopefully the sleep in your home improves soon, after a recent insomnia bout, I realize just how hard the lack of sleep makes everything.
I'm sorry to hear about your Grandma - it is great that Finn got to meet her though - that's quite an achievement really. I have similar thoughts about being a bad mum, and how forgiving BB is for that - I think we all do it. It keeps us on our toes though, and we do the best we can, lets hope it's good enough!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your grandmother. Glad Finn got to meet her.
ReplyDeleteDon't be so hard on yourself - being pregnant and caring for a toddler is difficult. Heck, caring for one baby has me exhausted! And the sleep deprivation makes it all so much worse. I hope you get a few minutes to yourself, we all really need that to just regroup ourselves. Also, don't feel guilty about travelling to the funeral. I am sure your grandmother would understand. You are a fabulous Mom. Take care!
Oh, so sorry to hear about your grandmother, Shannon. I lost mine around the time we became pregnant and my great-grandmother the following year, but Rob lost his uncle while we were expecting Laura and we couldn't make the funeral out in California. It was very sad not being there. It is good that she got to meet Finn and that both of you brought her joy.
ReplyDeleteDeep breath, I'm sure Finn knows how much you're trying, and he seems to be a good little boy so not scarred at all or no more than any of us first children were when a second came along.
Shannon, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Even knowing it is coming doesn't really stop the shock.
ReplyDeleteNo, you are not scarring Finn. He knows you love him and is secure if cranky. As for the trip, if you can't do it, you can't do it. I know you want to be with your family, but you do not need to add more stress or exhaustion right now.
No advice, just hugs. (Though I'm waiting for the book Playful Parenting -- how being silly and wrestling and things like that make parenting easier and more effective. If I learn anything good, I will pass it along... I was getting frustrated with Calliope and someone recommended it. Just thinking about playing more and disciplining less is helping me... and I haven't even gotten the book yet. Some days, getting to the library is a challenge beyond me!) I can't imagine juggling all that's on your plate. Being pregnant AND parenting a toddler AND working so many hours... UGH!
ReplyDeleteHang in there. The boards are behind you. The little person is going to come out and yes, be more work, but also be a lot more fun, and your body will be (more) your own again, and you will feel much more like yourself again. And hopefully Finn's sleep will be better sooner rather than later and that will help a ton.
xoxo
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing much better than you think and you have a lot going on, not to mention being pregnant is hard. Kids are lovely, except when they're not, and every once in a while you are going to get to the end of your tether. Hand in there. Sorry about the loss of your grandmother.
ReplyDeleteEverything is harder when you are tired. You come by your exhaustion honestly and just need to give yourself a break. If not a physical one, ie. a nap, then an emotional one. I'm terribly sorry about your grandmother. You don't love her any less or have fewer memories of her if you don't go to the funeral. Take care of yourself and Finn. (BTW, you are not scarring him for life--he's two. These epic battles are supposed to happen. Timing could be better but then he wouldn't be right on schedule developmentally, like he is.
ReplyDeleteThings will get better, but in the meantime be good to yourself.
My grandmother once told me life is for the living when I went to my niece's grade 8 graduation instead of my uncle's funeral. Your grandma would feel the same. You can remember her in a special way without travelling. And don't be so hard on yourself about Finn and your parenting skills. Tackle one thing at a time and if you spend some time talking to your sister and blogging you'll probably be better for it.
ReplyDeleteOh, Shannon... I'm so sorry. About all of it - the loss of your grandmother, not being able to make it to the funeral, and the fatigue leading to you not being the mom you want to be. I'm sure everyone will understand about the funeral, and you are most definitely NOT scarring Finn for life! I had a horrible day yesterday, just had no patience, Jordyn was driving me crazy, and I was absolutely not the mom I want to be. It was just one day, and I felt bad about it, so I can't imagine how you feel right now. But... as with everything with a little one, things keep changing. So I bet this will be a passing phase, and hopefully a quick one. Hang in there, and know we care about you out here in the blogosphere!
ReplyDeleteI'm really sorry to hear about your grandma - that's very sad. I understand feeling guilty about maybe not going, but if you're OK with it and don't feel like YOU have to go for closure, then by all means, don't go. Funerals are for the survivors, not for the dead. Your grandma knows you love her and probably wishes you peace in all of this, including peace in not traveling with a toddler.
ReplyDeleteYou're a wonderful mom. Of course Finn wants to spend time with you. He loves you! We ALL have our bad moments - believe me!
Sorry about the lose of your grandmother. She sounds like a great lady! And I am sure she would understand why you can't travel right now. I didn't go to my grandfather's memorial either (final exams in college) but afterwards during another trip, I made my own little visit to his grave to say good-bye. Maybe you could do something similar later.
ReplyDeleteToddlers are tough and I can't imagine being pregnant and dealing with a toddler! Reminds me of a video on face.book I watched recently. They tape moms talking about their parenting and they are all wishing they could do better. Then the ask the kids and the kids have nothing but great things to say. I am sure Finn agrees that you are doing a great job!!
I'm a so far behind in my blog reading & apologize for only seeing this now. I am so sorry for your loss & I am very sorry you're have such a hard time with Finn. Not being the mother you want to be hurts so much, doesn't it? It's just so hard with these 2 year olds. As you say, you know how to defuse the issue, but dammit, why can't they just do?!!? Do as they're told, do as you ask?!!? My mom laughs at me because my new catch phrase lately is, "Why is she being such a...ugh...TWO YEAR OLD!??!!?" Knowing the hard parts I've had with Elena, I can only imagine how hard it would have been if I was pregnant & tired & hormonal. Please go easy on yourself. Please try to arrange those few hours away if you haven't already. Sending peaceful thoughts & hugs
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your grandmother. May she rest in peace.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of the post, I could have written it!