Toddler Mama

Such a little man

Finn hit the Terrible Twos a few months ago - about 6 months before he actually turns two.  There were days where everything was a struggle, from getting out of bed in the morning to putting on pjs at night.  He'd fight and scream about everything I asked him to do, and there were countless stand downs over the simplest of requests, every day.  It was starting to be easier just to give in to everything he wanted, and I know that is not the right thing to do, but I had no idea what the right thing actually was.  I felt tired and frustrated, and was feeling like a failure as a mom.

Then I remembered that I'd started to read the Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp when Finn turned one.  It didn't seem to apply to us then, so I'd put it aside.  I rarely have time to do much reading, but I stayed up late to read this book, and it was worth every second of sleep I missed out on!

According to the Happiest Toddler on the Block, the four big struggles parents of toddlers face are:

• We don't get enough help and guidance.
• Daily battles can make us feel like failures.
• Our toddlers' actions can "push our buttons."
• Our temperaments may clash with our children's.

Boy, do I relate to every one of those struggles.  

The book outlines some fairly simple ways to overcome these issues - the first one being solved by just having the tools he suggests as options.  It's amazing how much better just having some ideas about what to do when Finn throws a fit, or when he hits me, or when he says, "NO!" Especially when he says no.  Because sometimes the thing I ask him to do is no big deal (like helping me out by picking up some trash) and sometimes it's a very big deal (like not standing up in his high chair).  I'm pretty sure he knew I had no idea how to handle that, and so he was starting to get the upper hand - and I swear that made him as irritable as it made me.  

Since I've read this book, Finn hasn't been magically cured of the Terrible Twos.  But I feel as though I've been magically cured of my feelings of frustration and inadequacy.  Even when I don't get it right, at least I know I have some idea of how to handle this stage. What a difference that makes!

The first thing Dr. Karp says toddler parents should do is to learn to communicate with toddler brains, especially angry or frustrated toddler brains.  Their verbal skills aren't good enough to understand the calm, logical and longwinded statements we (or at least I) tend to use when faced with a tantrum.  Instead, they understand very short, very simple sentences - he calls it Toddlerese.  He recommends using Toddlerese to acknowledge your child's feelings when they're angry or frustrated, so they can feel heard and understood, even if you aren't going to give in.  

This is absolute brilliance.  Just using this very first suggestion has changed our days drastically. Instead of huge fights and stare downs, we have mini-tantrums that are over almost before they begin.  Let me give an example.  Finn hates getting his pjs on at night.  He'll do anything at all to put it off, and usually I have to grab him and force him (kicking and screaming) to get changed.  It's always an ordeal, and was making our evenings miserable.  But now, I let him avoid changing for a little bit.  I play his game, and let him feel like he's winning just for a bit.  And then when it's finally really time to put on his pjs, I grab him and tell him what we're going to do. He always screams.  Instead of fighting, I say, "Finn says No! No! No! No pjs! No pjs, Mommy!" And every single time he calms down, says, "No pjs, Mommy!" and then quietly lets me change his clothes.  

It works with almost everything he throws a fit about.  Not all things - and sometimes I think it's my fault, because I don't do the Toddlerese well, or I overdo it on reflecting his feelings back - but usually it works like a charm.  I sometimes will then calmly say something like, "But Mommy says, yes, yes it's time to turn off the water," but a lot of times I don't have to say anything.  I've heard his objections, and he's fine with knowing he's not going to win. 

Another of Dr. Karp's suggestions is what he calls gossip.  You know how you never really believe it if a friend tells you that you look pretty?  But then if you were to overhear that same friend telling someone else that you look pretty - well, that you believe, because you weren't meant to hear it.  Same thing works for toddlers.  So I now make a point of telling the cats about things that Finn has done that make me happy.  Tonight I said (in a stage whisper) to Vagus, "Guess what Finn did tonight?  He let me brush his teeth, all his teeth, so they were nice and sparkly clean! It makes me so happy when he opens his mouth wide like that.  He's such a big boy." Finn came walking into the bathroom then, with a huge grin on his face. "Oh, hi Finn! I was just talking to Vagus." Finn then went to Vagus and said, "Brush teeth!" and opened his mouth wide.  Vagus was nice enough to look impressed. And hopefully Finn will remember that tomorrow, when it's time to brush his teeth again.

Dr. Karp also gives permission to give in to our toddler's demands.  He says it's ok to let them win sometimes, to turn that no into a yes, or to not persist if he just won't pick up that piece of trash that you asked him to pick up.  He has suggestions on how to handle the act of giving in, and even says that it's good for their psyche to actually win some of the time.  He has an entire section on how to encourage good behavior (such as gossip) and ways to stop bad behavior. I haven't had to use the "red light" recommendations more than a time or two since I read the book, but they worked just as well as all his other suggestions have.  

There's also a video - which somehow ended up in my video collection, but I've never watched.  I still have a few chapters left to read in the book, so I'm not sure I'll ever get around to watching the video, but it might be a nice review in a few months when our battles have changed and I need a refresher.  I'll let you know if I end up watching it someday.  

If you're struggling with toddlerhood, I highly recommend this book.  It's restored the fun and stability in our short evenings together, and I'm back to looking forward to weekends again.