Rambling Post

At the pumpkin patch

It wasn't Finn's cancer diagnosis that made me wish I was doing this with a partner - it's trying to deal with the continued craziness that several unexpected weeks away from work has left me that has me wishing I had a partner.  I could really use just about 5 hours of uninterrupted time for paperwork - that would make my work life so much easier right now.  Just 5 hours.  But it's not going to happen - unless I'm willing to pay my nanny to help me out, and since I had to pay her extra tonight for an unplanned late night at work, and possibly for this weekend while I'm making rounds at the hospital, that's really not going to happen. If I'm going to pay her for extra time watching Finn, it's going to be for me to do something like getting a massage or going to a movie.  I'm going to have to adjust to the idea that work will sometimes just have to wait.

The run of the mill, day to day life as a single parent is hard, too.  I remember thinking about things like dinner meetings and late days at the office before Finn was born and wondering how'd I'd do it.  I knew it would end up being expensive, but I never thought about how much coordination would be involved, or how much I'd miss him when I was away.  I still haven't gotten used to the idea that I have to always think about someone else now when I make any plans, and that I will have to continue to do so for many years to come.  It would be nice to have someone else that I could count on to share that burden.

But then someone who is married says to me, "I just don't know how you do it, I can't imagine parenting alone, it's so hard," and I realize, it's all about what you know.  Yes, it's hard being a single mom.  But being a married mom is hard, too.  I'm really not sure I'd feel like things were any easier if I had a husband doing this along with me, because I wouldn't know anything else. And no matter what, the rewards make it all worthwhile.  There is nothing in the world like coming home and having that little face light up when I walk in the room.  Every time I cuddle with my boy, I realize I am truly blessed.

And I am lucky enough to have my sister and her family close by to share things with.  I love that the cousins will grow up playing together and knowing each other well.  D, the oldest, has plans of thing he's going to teach Oliver and Finn, and loves playing the big brother/cousin role.  This weekend we went to a local farm for the afternoon; it was a beautiful warm fall day and we so much fun.  At one point, we all got drinks and snacks and went over to a secluded picnic table to eat, and when we sat down I realized Finn was hungry.  I asked Finn if he wanted to eat, and D responded for him:  "Everyone is going to see your boobie!" There's nothing like a 4 year old boy.  Except maybe a 40 year old boy.

Three boys in one shot - I gave up trying to get them to all look at me! 

Finn

Finn's next MRI is this Thursday morning.  We have his MRI at 7, then an ultrasound of his abdomen at the oncology office followed by an appointment with the oncologist.  I'm a jumble of crazy emotions right now - hopeful, scared, sad, anxious - I can't wait until Thursday is over.