New Year's Eve

One year ago today I was in Florida visiting my parents, the same place I am again this morning.  I had just had my first CD 3 (well, technically CD 2) ultrasound the day before, which is how I ended up standing in line at the pharmacy on New Year’s Eve with my dad, waiting to pick up my first Clomid prescription.  (That was definitely a surreal experience!)   I took my first Clomid pill on New Year’s Day 2010.  I was nervous, hopeful and excited.  And I had no idea what this year would bring.

I’m glad I didn’t know.  I’m glad I didn’t know that I’d feel so angry and bitter when the first two cycles didn’t work, and I had to take off a month of TTC to be able to attend a very dear friend’s baby shower in New York.  I would have hated knowing how quickly TTC would change my emotions and my perspective.  I’m glad I didn’t know that I would get a BFP on try #3 that would end in a heartbreaking miscarriage.  I’m glad I didn’t know how angry I would get at my pregnant patients who took their pregnancies for granted, smoking and eating whatever they wanted, not realizing what precious gift they were carrying.  I’m glad I didn’t know just how hard this year would be on me, because I’m not sure I would have had the courage to take that first pill on January 1st if I had.

But I didn’t know, and so I’ve also been able to enjoy the thrill of seeing baby boy parts on an ultrasound, the joy of feeling a kick or two while doing something unpleasant at work, the wonder of hearing a little heartbeat on my doppler every night.

But, at the same time, knowing from experience how things can go so wrong also has me terrified.  I'm not a natural worrier, so having this constant worry is foreign to me, and makes me worry even more.  What if something goes wrong with the pregnancy?  What if I have complications in delivery?  What if these worries are someone trying to tell me something?  What if.....?  The what ifs are driving me crazy.

I'm better than I was in August or September.  I am allowing myself to get truly excited about my pregnancy, and for the first time it's all starting to seem real.  But that worry still overshadows everything.  I accidentally hit myself in the stomach with a medicine ball yesterday, and I'm still poking and prodding and over-analyzing every twinge (being constipated and gassy at the same time certainly doesn't help matters!)  Would I have been as worried if I hadn't lost my first pregnancy?  Probably not.  But maybe.  Who knows?

I'm just going to have to accept it, becoming a mom means giving up ownership of my heart.  My heart now belongs to my son, and the worry won't ever go away, even when he's 40 years old with a family of his own.  I just need to find a way to get my non-worrying self to accept that this is a normal part of life, not my spidey-sense telling me that something wrong really is going to happen.  If I live my life worrying about the what ifs, I'm going to miss the wonderful things that are all around me here and now.

I guess I just found my New Year's Resolution, didn't I?  For 2011, I officially resolve to make sure that I enjoy life as it comes, and to not let worry about the future keep me from living in the moment.

Happy New Year, my friends!  I hope that 2011 brings us all love, joy and lots of healthy babies!