I remember how I felt when I was TTC; it was hard to even want to read about women raising children, because I just couldn’t imagine myself there. Right after my miscarriage I couldn’t read the pregnancy blogs at all; I kept them on my follow list, but I didn’t read them. And then, as I healed, I discovered that I wanted to read about pregnancy again; in fact it was easier to be happy for my online friends than it was for my friends in real life, those first few months after my miscarriage. And so I came to the conclusion that this is, first and foremost, as Single Mom by Choice blog, no matter where I am in my journey. The stage I am in my journey may be difficult or painful for others who are struggling, but on the bad days I know they’ll avoid my posts just like I avoided others on my bad days.
But then Paige lost her sweet little boy yesterday. She was just a week ahead of me in her pregnancy, and my heart aches for her. I had a miscarriage at almost 9 weeks, but that loss pales in comparison to her loss – she had felt him move for several weeks, she saw his perfect body on the ultrasound and knew all was well. She was 20 weeks, all was supposed to be good – this is the time where you’re supposed to be able to worry less. My miscarriage resulted in a D&C where what came out was called “the products of conception” and was sent off to a pathology lab. Her baby was sent to a funeral home. Totally different, and I know I can’t begin to imagine the grief she feels today.
Her loss makes it feel disrespectful to want to post about my pregnancy updates, and I wonder if I’m not the only pregnant SMC out there today who feels that way. But again it comes back to my thoughts above, that this is a blog about my journey, and it’s ok to continue to post. I just wish that Paige were going to be posting about her pregnancy as I post about mine.
I’m not sure why I’m even writing this today…I guess I needed to in order to be able to not feel like an insensitive arse when I do share my pregnancy joys and woes over (hopefully) the next 21 weeks or so.
Paige, if you’re reading this now, or sometime in the future, please know that while I can’t fathom the grief you’re feeling, I do understand if you can’t read my posts for a long time to come. Why do these things have to happen? It’s just wrong. And I'm so very sad for you and your wonderful family.
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Shannon, I can say that while sometimes I get jealous, I still want to know what is going on. Can't speak for everyone, but over the last five or six months, you have become a dear friend. So keep posting. If I'm having a bad day, it might take me a few days to get caught up, but I do want to know. :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree, Shannon.. I have been thinking about Paige alot, and also other blog sisters who experienced miscarriages. I don't understand why life is unfair. All of my patients who have children with birth defects and genetic conditions-- I don't know why it has to happen. I have no answers. It just not right.
ReplyDeleteI've felt much the same the last few days and a lot of the time since getting pregnant.
ReplyDeleteThere are times when I can't deal with pregnancy posts but that doesn't change the fact that I am so happy for you and can't wait to meet little Chiquito. It's hard sometimes but I know that you know this. You lived this.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words for Paige's tragic loss. It is not fair.
Shannon, this was such a considerate and honest post. I deeply enjoy reading your posts and learning about your journey. Although I'm no where near to the point as you and many of the other women in this community are, each posting provides an anchor point for me so that one day I may see my own way through, no matter what happens, because other women have paved the way and shared it.
ReplyDeleteHave to say that I'm jealous as well. However, I'm hoping to someday be in your shoes and really happy for you. I enjoy reading your posts and reading about your journey.
ReplyDeleteSometimes there is so much bad news in this community, that you just need to read some good.
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just need to know that SOMEONE is making this all work.
My heart is breaking for Paige. I just cannot even imagine.
But I'm happy for you and the others who "make it" too.
Sometimes you just need that balance.
Shannon, your's was the second blog I started following when I first stumbled on this cyber-sisterhood of ttc a few weeks back. It doesn't matter to me what stage you are at in your journey, just that you have shared some of the same experiences that I have. That you understand perfectly what it's like to be in my shoes. I see my blog as a SMC one also...hopefully just passing through the ttc stage. I am so very pleased that you have your little chiquitito! (If I'm lucky I'll get to put that babyticker widget on my blog one day!). Your blog helps keep the dream alive for women like me, so never feel guilty about celebrating your pregnancy, even if others are not so lucky. It most definitely should be celebrated.
ReplyDeleteWhat a well written and thoughtful post, which is no surprise as it's what we've come to learn we can expect from you, Shannon. I agree with all of the other comments, particularly SIF. We need the balance. I follow a wide variety of blogs that gives me the balance... sometimes I focus more on the IF blogs than the SMC blogs because that's where I am on my path.
ReplyDeleteWith Paige's tragic news resonating sadness throughout the community, I feel the need to stay connected with my fellow bloggers... and continue to hear the positive so I can continue to believe there are success stories on this path. If we didn't believe in success, we wouldn't even be trying.
I struggled regarding posting about my retrieval yesterday, but in the end I knew the community would be looking out for an update on my milestone. It was not as detailed as I would normally post... but I did have to send it out... as we continue to grieve for and with Paige.
Thank you so much, Shannon, for putting into words what I & I think many others are feeling. I have been struggling about my posts for some time. I read on another blog about survivor's guilt & I think that's what we're feeling.
ReplyDeleteIt is heartwarming to read how our community has gathered around Paige to offer her comfort & support. I think & hope that this same community can come together to celebrate your joy as well.
Shannon,
ReplyDeleteThis was so well put, and like others mention, are words that many feel. I have not won this ugly battle of IF, but pray every day that the journey is one day closer to ending for me. And although I haven't had that success, YET, I enjoy reading about others success because it gives such hope in a trying situation.
My heart and prayers go out to Paige, although I know there are no words to help ease her heartbreak.
This is so well written, Shannon. (and the comments it generated, as well) I have struggled the past few days about whether to write an update or not. You make a wonderful point - it is about the journey. While we are in different places, we always remain supportive and hopeful for each other. Thank you for this honest, heartfelt post.
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