A Little Help from My Friends

 Married or single, going through IF treatments is stressful and exhausting – I don’t think that’s a newsflash to anyone.  But going through this as a single woman can be isolating and lonely, too.  Not having a partner to share the ups and downs with can really take a toll on your sanity.  I find it fascinating that whenever a woman is considering being a single mom, someone always asks, “Do you have a good support network for when you have a baby?” but no one ever asks, “Do you have a good support network for while you’re trying to have a baby?”

I’m lucky that I have a wonderful and supportive group of friends who have cheered me on every step of the way, but none of them can ever be as emotionally invested as I am.  And it’s pretty unlikely any of them would cuddle with me in the night and imagine with me the possibility of a baby. :)  On top of that, I’m pretty sure that a certain amount of IF fatigue sets in for them after awhile. I’m grateful for all the love they’ve given me, but I’ve also started to feel guilty. It feels like I’ve failed because I can’t give them happy news, or at least happy news that stays happy.  I can understand why some couples choose to keep their IF treatments a secret from their friends, because it does get tiring saying, “No, no good news,” over and over again.  But they have the luxury of keeping things a secret, because they have each other.  (I know, it’s not always perfect, and marriages have fallen apart as a result of the stresses of IF, but I’m generalizing here.) 

This is where the online community has been a lifesaver for me.  There is nothing like the support of someone who is living a similar experience every day.  Single or not, a woman going through IF treatments is intimately familiar with the day to day stress and heartache that goes with trying to conceive through artificial means; the support I’ve found from those who read my blog and from women on the discussion boards I frequent has allowed me to keep my sanity these past few months.  I am so thankful for each and every one of you. 

My advice to anyone who might stumble across my blog as she considers becoming a single mother by choice is simple.  Create your TTC support network.  You don’t have to write a blog, or spill your life story out on a discussion board if you’re not comfortable with that.  But find someone, somewhere, that you can share your journey with.  Strangers on the internet, your next door neighbor, your mom or your best friend – it doesn’t matter who.  Just don’t try to go it alone.  It’s just too hard for that. 

Monday night after my IUI, I was in bed with my hands on my belly, imagining a little zygote inside of me that will grow like mad the next 9 months to become my baby.  I was happy and hopeful, but also a little lonely, alone in the bed.  And then Tuesday morning I received an email from a friend I met through this blog.  She had written the email on Monday night, and ended it with this, “Pleasant dreams tonight! Perhaps a match (already) made in heaven is happening as you sleep...”

Hearing those words from someone else right then, when I needed them the most, reminded me that despite the fact that I sleep alone, I’m not alone in this.  And that makes all the difference.

*even zebra know you need all the friends you can get!