5 Years Old

And suddenly, I'm the mom to a 5 year old.  Five.

He chose his outfit for our trip to Build-A-Bear

Five.

This has been a challenging year for both of us, but I'm figuring out how to adapt my parenting style to adapt to his needs, and I think we're finally hitting good solid ground.  One of the reasons I haven't written much lately is because much of what is on my mind is our relationship...and it doesn't feel right to post this on a public forum any longer.

But I can share a few things that Finn loves right now:

• Darth Vader and all things Star Wars
• Special Agent Osso
• Chocolate
• Making a mess (he called me earlier today saying "Mommy! I need a towel!" and before I could respond he added, "I know, again!")
• Cooking
• Helping in the garden
• His brother
• Putting on "shows" for whoever will watch

These first 5 years have been exhausting, terrifying, joyful and wonderful.  I can't wait to see what the next 5 have in store!

A Sad Tail

I was in the middle of interviewing a candidate for a physician's assistant job over lunch when I got the text from the nanny.

"Finn is going to be late for school."

"He slammed the door on Vader's tail."

I responded: "Is Vader ok?"

"Hold on. Um, no. He's going to need the vet. There's exposed bone."

The whole story (which I heard hours later, after I dealt with a plumbing issue that manifested in one of my patients almost getting a load of dirty toilet water from the office upstairs dumped on her head, saw some patients, stood as moral support and official photographer at the birth of a friend's baby and then delivered a 1 hour dinner lecture on diabetes management) was that Finn had been told to close the back door when it was time to leave for school.

"Close the door, Finn!" Finn complied by slamming the door just as the dog was running through.

Nanny M said she could tell something was wrong by the way the dog took off running.  She went to check on him, and when she opened the door, a one inch piece of his tail fell to the ground.  Nanny M got an upset Finn to school, and then took Vader to the vet, where the verdict was surgery.  So the next day, they cut off the exposed bone, sewed it up, and sent Vader home to heal.  And I'm pretty sure Vader is even more convinced that he was a horrible dog in a past life to deserve us as his forever family.

A few days later, I had some friends over and we held a small funeral for Vader's tail.  Finn said a few words, "Vader used to have a longer tail, a nice tail. But now part of it is gone. I will miss it," and then dropped the tail in the hole. I planted a forsythia bush above it, and we stood in a circle around the bush while I said a brief prayer. "Dear God, please help Vader heal well from this tragic accident, and not be in any more pain. Please help Finn to remember to never slam a door. Please let this forsythia bush grow big and healthy, so we can look at the beautiful flowers every spring and remember when Vader's tail was whole." (I might have giggled a bit at that last part.) There was an enthusiastic "Amen!" from all the attendees, and then we headed back inside to eat cupcakes brought by one of my friends who said, "I wasn't sure what to bring to a tail funeral, but I figured you could never go wrong with cupcakes."

The remaining part of Vader's tail has fully healed and he seems to be doing fine.  Though I've noticed that he now refuses to go out a door if Finn is standing anywhere near it.

Keeping it Together

I'm optimistically calling this post Keeping it Together, so I can pretend that I have a little bit of my life together right now.

Amazingly, I felt better after writing my last post, but even more so after reading the responses.  As someone said to me privately, everyone makes parenting look so easy - it's really nice to know I'm not alone in my exhaustion.

At least one person mentioned delayed postpartum depression (it really is a thing) as a possible issue. It has occurred to me.  But I don't know that I meet the criteria for true clinical depression.  I am actually happy a lot, there are many things I still enjoy.  But I do feel discouraged quite often as well, and like I said, lonely.  And my reserves are so terribly low - just a little misbehavior from my children can throw me for a loop. But still...it's on the list of things to talk to my doctor when I see her in a couple of weeks.

I am working on a few ideas to make my daily and weekly routine a little better - I'll share if any of them end up being really helpful! I already pay someone to my clean house, and Nanny M does a lot to help out. She does occasionally walk Vader for me when I've not been able to, but it is actually one chore I mostly enjoy.  It gets me some exercise and I have a little quiet time outside; once I drag myself out of bed I usually am happy I did.  I'm considering hiring someone to help with a few of the projects around the house - but right now just finding someone takes more than I have time to give.

More than anything, I need sleep.  It is amazing how hard it is to get enough, though.  There are so many things I need to do, and so many things I want to do...I have a hard time going to sleep when I have so much stuff I want to get done.  I'm working on it, though.

In 5 short weeks I'm going out of town for 4 nights, by myself, while my parents stay with the boys. It's a work conference, but I'm going to make sure I get lots of sleep, lots of good food and at least a couple of spa treatments.  I suspect that this long weekend might help more than anything else.

We had a family vacation a few weeks ago that was fun and did a lot to help relieve all the tension I've been feeling about work lately, but it's wasn't particularly restful.  If you follow me on Instagram you already saw all our pictures from our cruise, and most importantly, from the Star Wars day.  I was not as rested before the trip as I wanted to be (and on the first night, in the airport hotel, Zachary pooped on the floor and Finn locked us out of the bathroom in the space of 5 minutes...it was not a great start to our trip!) so I don't think I was as patient as I should have been, but the boys had fun. I know we'll do another one...in a few years.

Hard Days

Before kids, I had no idea it was possible to be blissfully happy and absolutely exhausted and miserable at the exact same time. I have (almost) everything I ever wanted: kids, the career I always dreamed of, a nice house, enough money to travel, and I am so very thankful.  There's not a day goes by that I'm not struck at least once by how much I love my boys and how lucky I am to have them.

But this shit is fucking hard.

I am tired, all the time. I'm more grumpy with my kids than I should be.  My neck and shoulders and back hurt constantly, and so even though I'm getting to bed most nights in time to get at least 7 hours of sleep, I never get a good solid sleep because I hurt. And I end up with a 4-5 day migraine at least once a month. I weigh 15 pounds more than I should.  I hate my hair color. Work politics suck, and I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping afloat with the basics of patient care to be able to be as vocal as I want to be about those issues. I frequently forget to pay a bill or return patient messages or friend's phone calls or to wish someone important a happy birthday or to actually let the people who are important to me know that I'm thinking of them with a text or an email or a phone call because oh my gosh I'm just too tired to even try.

I get home at night and have a few hours with my kids with dinner, a little playtime and then it's time to get ready for bed. Once the kids are in bed I have an average of 90 minutes to do everything else I need to do - walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, prepare meal plans, pay bills (why can't everyone allow autopay?), reply to emails - and there's never enough time, so the things I want to do - catch up with friends, edit pictures, watch tv, read a book, write a blog entry, comment on blogs - never get done.

Most surprising to me is how lonely I am.  I have really good friends both locally and far away, I have support when I need it, and yet I'm still alone a lot.  And I know I could ease some of that loneliness by reaching out...but then there's that whole pesky exhaustion and lack of time thing getting in the way again.

It's at this point that I'm sure someone out there wants to tell me to stop my whining, adding: "you asked for this!"

I did.  And I'd do it all over again.  But it is hard in ways that I never could have imagined.

And right now, something has to give.  There's a lot in life right now that I can't change.  But I am going to work on taking better care of myself physically.  I made an appointment with my family doctor to get a physical to make sure that there's no unsuspected health issue going on. I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment for a massage, and then book every other week massages until my neck and shoulder pain is significantly better. I hate taking extra time away from my kids, but this is something I have to do. I made an appointment (for the end of March, the earliest my schedule will allow) to see someone new to fix my hair color - that won't make my body feel any better, but it sure will make me feel better every time I look in the mirror.

I'm also going to make the time to blog more often.  Even if no one is still reading, it feels good to get everything down in writing.  I'll try not to complain quite so much next time.

Happy New Year!

When I was a kid, I always got the post-Christmas blues.  The magic and wonder was over, and it was such a let down.  Especially since it was also time to face a long winter of school and drudgery.

As I got older, the holidays were always just a little sad to begin with.  Each year I'd imagine that next year would be the year I'd finally be in a serious relationship, and then I even let myself imagine that I was just a few years away from having little ones of my own to celebrate with.  And each year I was disappointed.  At least until 6 years ago, that is, when I gave up on finding Mr. Right and took my first dose of Clomid ever on New Year's Eve, and one year after that, when I was finally pregnant with Finn.

I haven't felt any of that let down this year.  I've been chronically exhausted since Thanksgiving, but have had tons of stuff packed into the holidays and managed to get a good amount of shopping and decorating done without losing my mind. We didn't do everything I'd hoped to do, but I am pretty satisfied that this year I made Christmas a memorable and magical one for my boys - not because of the presents, but because of the season itself.

However, this past week I've watched Finn as he struggles with the same post-Christmas funk that I used to always get.  I got him to help me take down our outdoor Christmas lights, and that took the sting out of that.  But he's really resisting taking down Christmas inside.  So tonight, after bed, I got a lot of things put away - most everything that's not the trees, mantle or the Christmas village is safely stowed away. He's going to help me tomorrow - though I think I might give in and leave a few things out for a while if he asks again.

Before heading upstairs to bed tonight, I took one long look at my mantle, lit by just the lights of the Christmas tree.  And I looked at the two stockings hanging there.

"Finnegan" "Zachary"

And out of no where I started to cry. I am so very lucky. And oh my gosh it goes so fast.  If only there were a way to make it all slow down, just a little.  Well, maybe not all of it.  Some of it really sucks.  But the good stuff, the magic stuff, the every day mundane sticky kisses and sly grins - I want to savor that slowly, enjoying every last minute.

Happy 2016!

Happy Christmas!

It's Christmas night - the end of a lovely, crazy, stressful, funny Christmas. Two exhausted, slightly sticky and very happy boys are snug in their beds as the air conditioner runs so they don't sweat too much in their fuzzy Christmas pjs.

Sitting in my living room by the light of our Christmas tree, snuggled with the dog and under the watchful eye of Darth Vader, I thought about writing a post about our Christmas holiday.

But instead, I started giggling at all the questions I've been asked by a little 4 year old over the past week, at bedtime and in the middle of the night.

Can grasshoppers jump as high as people can?

Can you still breathe in heaven?

How can you walk if one leg is shorter than the other?

What date are you going to heaven?

Why did Grandma watch tv all day long today?

How did they put Han Solo in that carbonite?  How come you don't know how?

How does Santa know if we're awake or not?

Why don't we see Santa if we're outside when he comes?

Why did Fergus (our elf) leave last night? Why didn't he stay until tonight? How did he tell Santa that I was good yesterday?

When I turn 5 am I going to a new school?  What's the name of my new school? Why do I have to go to kindergarten?

Can I keep my Christmas tree up all year?

Does Santa really have kids? How come you don't know?

The questions never stop.  Ever. As half of those were in the middle of the night, I can't even say that they stop when he's asleep. I just wish I was able to give him more answers.

Attainable Goals

There are times lately that everything is really, really good.

These past few weeks have not been one of those times.

First Finn was sick with a fever that lasted 6 days with no other symptoms other than just feeling bad from the fever. On day 5 of the fever I took him to the doctor, and it was just a virus.  We then had a fever-free week before Zachary got a fever that turned out to be strep throat.  In the midst of all that we had 3 rainy weekends in a row.

I've been tired.  The boys have been sick or tired or stir-crazy or all of the above. So there's been lots of crying and fussing and short fuses all around. It's not been fun.

Here's the thing. My kids bring more joy to my life than anything else ever has.  But I'm not sure that I'm doing a good job of letting my kids know how much joy I find in them.  While we've had some really great moments this past month, they seem to be outweighed by times when I've been short-tempered and cross with them.

I realize I'm not perfect.  I can't always respond to irrational meltdowns (or even rational meltdowns for that manner) with calm acceptance and understanding.  But I am the adult in the relationship, and I need to work on acting that way a little more often.  Especially now that I'm starting to see a reflection of my own behavior in Finn when he gets especially frustrated or annoyed by something.

I know it starts with self care.  When I'm rested, I can do better.  When I get regular exercise, I can do better. When I'm hard on myself, I do worse.  I get caught in that negative shit storm of bad feelings about myself and that spills over into how I interact with my kids. I tell my patients who are trying to do better to start with goals they can easily attain.  So I'm going to follow my own advice and make some goals I know I can do:

Hug each child as many times a day as they'll let me.
Sleep at least 7 hours every night.
Walk at least 30 minutes every day.
Spend 20 minutes of bedtime cuddles alone with each child every night.
Listen more.
Listen longer.
Choose love.


I know I'm not alone.  What are your parenting struggles right now?  Feel free to post here or on your own blog if you want to share.  

Getting My Act Together

Somehow it's been another month since my last post.  I'm bursting with things I want to put down in writing, but by the time we have dinner, do bedtime and the boys finally go to sleep, I never seem to have the time to devote to this space.  And when I do have the time, I find myself overwhelmed with all the many "that would make a good blog post" thoughts I have fighting for attention in my brain. So I'm just going to start writing tonight and see what comes out.

Life is good right now.  The bone deep exhaustion of last year is mostly gone, though I wasn't getting enough sleep a few weeks ago and felt so absolutely awful it made me wonder how I survived last year at all.  And made me realize what a better mom I am when I'm getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night.

Having a dog has been challenging and wonderful.  I get up every morning and take him on a 20-30 minute walk.  It's just up and down my street, since the boys are still sleeping (and Finn knows how to Facetime me if he wakes up and wants to talk), but the street is on a hill, so it's a good workout.  My brain feels clearer, and my waistline is getting just the tiniest little bit smaller.  I feel like I'm finally doing a little to take care of myself. And then I sent him to doggy boot camp.  He'll be gone for the next two weeks, learning basic obedience and gaining some much needed confidence, and I'm going to have to find something to keep me exercising while he's gone.

A few months ago I asked myself what things in my life would I change right now if I could - I asked myself as I was reading the Gifts of Imperfection again.  And I realized that I lose mysef - a lot - with my phone and my computer, blanking out the world for more time than I'd care to admit. Brene Brown calls it numbing.  It wouldn't be too off to say it's an addiction.  So I decided to start limiting my phone time at work (I already do at home when the boys are awake, well, I try to, but I'm not always successful). Then I thought again about the things I would change.  One of the biggest ones is the weight of always being behind on my charts at work. It's not uncommon for me to have 80-90 office visit notes to complete at any given time, and it felt like a constant weight around my neck.  In July, I started to work on that.  It took me two months, but in September, I found myself with zero open charts.  I'm back up to 12 this week, but it's been a busy two weeks at work, and usually after a few weeks like this my number would be at 40. It feels good to have something like that finally under control.

I'm now back to working on my house.  I think I've mentioned before that I pretty much threw things where they landed when I moved in 21 months ago.  Now I'm gradually clearing things out.  I don't have a system, though I do have a plan of what needs to be done. I've discovered that it works best if I tackle whichever project is calling my name when I have the time to do it.

One overwhelming task is getting the boys' toys organized and keeping them that way.  I'm not good at it, my nanny isn't good at it, and the boys haven't learned to be good at it. Adding to the problem is the fact that we have tons of toys that both boys have outgrown, as well as quite a few neither actually like.  We're going to try to start with getting rid of all those toys in the next week or two. Then we'll tackle the onerous task of finding an organization system that we can all stick to.

It's all baby steps.  But it's baby steps that are making me feel more free, lighter, and less overwhelmed by the day to day life.  I realize that it will always be a work in progress, but if I can get through my current list of projects, this will become a work in progress that's part of my everyday life, and not a constant series of overwhelming tasks.