#Microblog Mondays - Making a Kid Happy

"Today do you have to go to work?"

Finn says those words every single morning.  It may not be the first thing he says, but he usually says it within the first 5 minutes of being awake.

Many nights he climbs into bed with me in the middle of the night, but some nights he sleeps the whole night in his room and then comes into my room after I'm already up and in the bathroom.  Even on those mornings, when it's still dark outside and I'm in the shower, he comes in, rubbing eyes against the light: "Today do you have to go to work?"

Sunday morning we all slept late, and the sun was up with the covers of my bed bunched at the bottom when I heard Finn walk into my room.  He paused, and then said in a worried and sad voice, "Mommy?"

"I'm right here," I said, and Finn ran to my bed, climbed up and snuggled up next to me.  He was quiet for a few minutes, and then he asked, "Today do you have to go to work?" I told him no, and he said, "I came in here and didn't see you, and I thought you had already gone to work. But then I heard your voice and you were here!"  He swung his arms wide, "I'm going to hug you now!"

We then spent at least ten minutes talking about what days I'll stay home, and what days I'll work.  "Tomorrow do you have to go to work? The next day? The next day? The day after that? The next day?"  Every "yes" was met with a frown, and every "no" was meet with a huge grin.

Someday it will take more than a day off from work to make him this happy.  But today.  Today I love being able to make him so happy just by being with him all day.

Spring is Here!

I've really struggled this past year.  Being chronically sleep deprived with a huge baby and a 3 year old that is constantly testing his limits has been unbelievably difficult.  I've been grumpy and not at all the mom I want to be.

Which is why I feel like I might be jinxing things to say that things have been pretty good around here lately.  Zachary is sleeping through the night (almost every night) in his own crib, so I've been getting better sleep than I have in two years.  I'm exercising at least a few times a week and I'm eating a little bit healthier. It is amazing how much better I feel, and how much easier it is to handle a challenging kid when I'm doing a better job of taking care of myself.  

Last weekend was absolutely beautiful, so we spent hours outside at our two favorite greenways - and so I've been inspired to find more outdoor activities for us to do.  I found everything from sculpture events and Easter activities at the local botanical garden, to farms designed for visitors to upcoming festivals all within about 30-40 minutes of my house.  And then of course we have fun things to do in our own backyard - tomorrow Finn and I are planting wildflowers on the top of our embankment.

Last weekend was hopefully a peek at the year we have ahead of us.  We had so much fun, and both boys were absolute joys to be with the rest of the day after having so much fresh air and activity.  Last year we didn't do much until the fall when we discovered our greenways, because Zachary was so difficult to take places, but now he loves being out and about - this year is going to be so fun for us all.  Unless it rains a lot. And then I've got to prepare myself for a bunch of time indoors at overly crowded kid museums.

To be honest, I'm a little worried that I'll attempt a few activities and then forget about the other ones, and we'll spend the whole spring and summer in our backyard.  Which wouldn't be awful, I'm sure we'd have a nice time.  But this is the time of my life with my kids that I've been so looking forward to, I want to make sure I get the most out of it.  So I'm putting it out here, that we're going to get out of the house most weekend days and that we're going to try to go somewhere different at least every other weekend.

I think I'm going to have to find some way to get myself organized for our weekends (as well during the week).  I've tried apps on my phone, I've tried dry erase boards...I think maybe it's time to invest in a good, old fashioned weekly calendar.

I also need to find some way to get this year's 365 project going - I've got the pictures, I just need to get them organized.  I think I'll just keep posting them here on the blog, as it was a great way to keep myself accountable and organized.  I've not been overly inspired with creative pictures just yet - maybe planning some adventures and actually posting pictures might help.

Perspective

I used to have these wonderful dreams of kind of mother I'd be (I guess most of us have), but in all those dreams, my kids were perfect, and I never had to deal with misbehavior...in that kind of world, it's easy to be the perfect mom! When Finn grew out of the baby phase and I did have to deal with misbehavior, I realized that the parenting style I grew up with didn't fit me well.  Which led to lots of reading and research on my part as I tried to find what works for me, and that led me to the concept that discipline is about teaching the proper way to behave, not punishing for misbehavior (note, that's not to say there won't be consequences for misbehavior but natural consequences are different than punishments).  I've been holding back from fully embracing this because I wondered what people would think when they saw this in action.  I wondered and I worried that I would be judged.

Over the several months, I've also realized that much of my interactions with both boys is tinged with some constant background noise: am I doing the right thing? am I doing the right thing in the right way? what will other people think of my parenting choices? am I damaging my children? am I making it worse?  The list goes on and on.

It's exhausting, all this worry about other people and about doing things the "right way." It puts distance between me and my boys, keeping me from being in the moment. And it keeps me from trusting in my own instincts.

So these thoughts have been percolating in the back of my mind over the past few months - and then I found myself in a parenting situation with Finn that had quickly deteriorated to the point that he was not thinking at all, not hearing what I was saying, and lashing out by trying to hurt me.  There have been several times this has happened where I have been tempted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it, but stopped myself because "that's not how it's done." But this time, I felt the urge to laugh, so I ignored everything but my instincts and I laughed.

And what do you know - Finn stopped, looked at me with surprise, and then started laughing, too.  Just like that, the horrible moment passed, all bad feelings were lost in the laughter, and he said, "I'm sorry, mommy," gave me a hug, and did what I'd asked him to do.  Later he misbehaved a little and I could see him looking to me to see how I would react and when I reacted with humor, he relaxed and grinned at me.

Wow.  I listened to my instincts instead of over-thinking the situation, and it worked.

Somehow, that's given me the freedom to finally stop worrying so much about the rules and about everyone else and focus on what's right for our family.  I'll take a little that I learned from this book, and little that I learned from that blog, and blend it into something that works.  And whenever we hit a new phase that I struggle with, I'll go back to the books, try something new. And when all else fails, I'll just laugh.

Because sometimes, that's all it takes to make everything better.

365 All Done!

I meant to post this on February 6...but then I got busy.  And so here I am, almost a week later, finally posting the last few pictures of my 365 project.

It's so incredible, looking back through the pictures I've taken in the past year.  I'm pretty sure that without the project I would have still managed to take a lot of pictures of Zachary, but I love that I documented just about every single day of his first year.

And now I'm thinking about doing another 365 day project.  Instead of taking just Zachary's picture, though I'm just going to aim for a picture a day that documents our daily life.  So maybe I'll get Zachary, or Finn, or the cat, or maybe it will be something completely different.  I'm going to try to take it a step beyond just a snapshot every day, but I know that I'll still end up with a lot of those.  But at least a few times a week I'm going to try to take an extra few minutes to really think about photo composition.

I don't know if I'll post them on the blog - I started using ShutterCal last year (but am horribly behind on updating it) and may post there.  I'm not sure.  I need something to keep me accountable and posting on the blog really helped with that, so maybe I will post here.  (I'm so indecisive.)

1/28/15: love his pose in this one.  :)

1/29/15: such a sweet, sleepy smile

1/30/15: playing together

1/31/15: happy boy

2/1/15: adventures in the backyard

2/2/15: asleep in his crib

2/3/15: climbing to get close to big brother

2/4/15: Playing before bedtime

2/5/15: "Look Mommy, Zach is fixing the sink!"

2/6/16: getting ready for bed

2/7/15: Happy Birthday!

One Year

My dearest Zachary,

I can't believe you're a year old today.  We had a rare quiet moment together this morning in your room, as I rocked you while you nursed at the exact time you were born one year ago today.  It was the perfect way to start your big day.

This year has been a whirlwind blur of change and activity, and I've never been so tired in my entire life, but it's been worth every hour of lack of sleep.  You have brought such joy to our family in such a short period of time.  I love the way you are so free with your affection, climbing into my lap for a snuggle or holding on tight when I give you a hug.  One second your face is serious and solemn, and the next an enormous grin is stretching across it, or your entire face is scrunched into that sweet and silly smile of yours.  And your giggles - oh, it makes me heart sing to hear you giggle.

You love playing in water (and that leads to endless races to see who can get to the toilet first), eating, laughing at Zaphira and making lots of noise.  Your whole face lights up when your big brother walks into the room, and even when he's beating up on you, it's clear you adore him.

You are also fearless.  Your Aunt Uche says you need a shirt that says, "I crawl towards danger" and it's true.  I've already found you climbing on things, trying to figure out how you can get just a little bit higher, reach a little further.  I have a feeling you're going to give me more than a scare or two over the next few years.

You hate having your diaper changed.  When I tell you that you can't do something you want, your temper comes out.  Boy does it come out.  Screams, arching back - everyone knows when you're mad.  It never lasts long, though.  It never ceases to amaze me how you can go from crying and screaming to grinning and laughing in the blink of an eye.

It is so fun to watch your personality develop. It's already clear you are so different from your brother, but I think the two of you are going to make a great team.  I'm so lucky to be your mommy and I'm looking forward to the adventures this next year is going to bring.

Happy First Birthday, Zachary!

#MicroblogMondays: Anger Management

Want to know what #MicroblogMonday is?  Click here.

This age - this past year - has been such a mixture of pure fun and joy and absolute frustration and anger.  It's amazing how Finn can be a sweet kid who just wants to snuggle one second, and then get angry at me and throw something at my face the next.

It's been a struggle.  I don't want to yell.  I don't want to lecture.  I really don't want to hit.  But so often I don't know what to do.  The peaceful parenting resources I've found (some of which I've talked about here) have been so helpful, but there are still times I flounder.

Over the past week or so, I've realized I see myself in Finn's behavior.  Or more accurately, I see my actions reflected back at me.  The way he reacts when he's angry or frustrated, the things that push my buttons - they're me.  He's doing what I taught him to do.

I need to teach him a better way by modeling a better way.

Me, learning to control my temper.  This is going to be tough.

Some Sleep Progress

Friday night I moved Zachary to his own room, and his own crib to sleep.  It was a rough transition, and the first few nights he woke up a lot.  I'd go in, pick him up and he'd cling to me and cry.  Then I'd put him back down in his crib and rub his back until he settled down.  Over and over again.  Each time I held him just a little bit less, and eventually I didn't pick him up at all, just helped him lie back down.  Monday night I only had to go into his room three times, and then last night I didn't have to go in at all.  He woke up several times, but put himself back to sleep every time.  And I got the best night's sleep I've had at home since well before he was born.  It took almost 2 weeks, and I'm still exhausted, but I'm so happy that we finally had one night that worked.  I hope it's just the first of many!

I have more to write, but I'm trying to catch up a little on my sleep, so I'm going to share my pictures for the week and head to bed.

1/21/15: the trash is never safe from this one

1/22/15: he ate more than he dropped on the floor

1/23/15: always busy - this was the best shot I could get of him as he played this morning

1/24/15: he climbed up here by himself (I'm in so much trouble)

1/25/15: boys at play in the backyard

1/26/15: his preferred method for eating black beans

1/27/15: I just love this 

That Didn't Last Long!

This weekend was so great.  The conference itself was boring, but the food was good, I saw old friends, and slept.  My sleep wasn't perfect, both nights it took me a bit to fall asleep, and I woke up early, but it was uninterrupted and I was by myself.  Just heavenly.

Surprisingly, I didn't really miss the boys the first day.  I think that's a sign of just how much I needed to get away.  But I was so happy to get home to see them both on Sunday evening.  Best of all, Zachary has learned how to give the best hugs.  He wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes so tight - it's so sweet.  I arrived home refreshed and energetic and excited about the chance to start a week feeling good and centered and ready to keep my cool no matter what.

To make things even better, Nanny M started the process of sleep training for me while I was away. She kept Zachary in the pack and play in my room and gave him only water after bedtime.  It was a rough night on Friday night, but she said Saturday was easier.  With that work done, I committed to not letting him nurse after bedtime anymore.

Sunday night, I rocked him in the glider while he nursed, and had planned on rocking him to sleep, but he wouldn't stop wiggling.  So, on a whim I put him down in his pack and play - and was shocked when he rolled over and went to sleep without a peep!

He woke several times in the night, and was easily shushed back to sleep the first few times, but then woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep.  I picked him up (and he clung to me like I'd been gone for a month), and snuggled with him for a few minutes, before putting him down in my bed.  I soothed him to sleep, and then went back to sleep myself.  Not bad.

And then a tooth started to come through.  And he got a cold.  So Monday night was worse, and last night was awful (he was wide awake for two straight hours, in between episodes of fussing) despite liberal use of tylenol and ibuprofen.  He also decided to start walking this week (!!!), which I'm sure contributed to the poor sleep.

He's sound asleep in his pack and play now, so I'm hoping for a better night tonight.  At some point it all has to come together, right?  I'm just as exhausted now as I was just on Friday.  But there's the hope for better sleep in my future.  (please, let there be better sleep soon!)

1/14/15: he really likes noses

1/15/15: and he's interested in everything

1/16/15: how do I get down?

1/17/15: Skyping from my hotel room

1/18/15: he loves black beans as much as his brother

1/19/15: he loves the water!

1/20/15: he can't figure out how to make it move, but he loves sitting on this riding toy like a big boy