365 - Week 2

None of these are epic works of art - and most aren't even very good photographs.  But at least I did get a picture taken every day, and about half were with my good camera. Considering I'm more tired this week than I was last, I'm counting this as a huge success.  

I also imagine that it will get easier to take better pictures as he gets older.  Right now all he does is eat, sleep, cry and poop - and grunt - so that does limit the options. :)

2/19/14: My favorite of his sleeping positions

2/20/14: variation on the sleeping pose theme

2/21/14: I can't get enough of his huge feet

2/22/14: love this swirl on the back of his head

2/23/14: Wahoowa!  

2/24/14: He doesn't cry much, but when he does, everyone knows he's mad

2/25/14: Zachary seems to be focusing more when his eyes are open (also, baby acne - yuck)

18 Days

Save me from this crazy family!

My parents are out shopping, Finn is downstairs with Nanny M having lunch (they just came back from storytime at the library) and I'm on my bed in my room with Zachary asleep in his little vibrating seat.  My just-cleaned-yesterday-sheets already have spit-up stains on them and I've got a huge pile of boxes in the corner of my messy room.

And I'm hovering between loving the sounds of Finn singing downstairs while Zachary makes a few grunting noises and craving absolute silence (and the chance to sleep for 10 hours straight followed by a day of hard core unpacking and organizing, without interruption from baby or toddler).

It comes as no surprise to me that having a newborn with a toddler is totally different than having just a newborn, but some of the things that are different have surprised me.  With Finn, I was happy to cocoon in my home, not leaving for days and just cuddling with my little baby.  With Zachary, I want to get out of the house.  I want to do projects in my house.  I really want to go for a long walk. Instead, I find myself annoyed by the fact that I get lightheaded if I stand up for too long, I'm happy for someone else to hold him, and I'm really annoyed by my lack of sleep.

He's actually a really good baby; he eats every 1-3 hours, he only cries when he's hungry or uncomfortable, and he is so snuggly.  But he makes a lot of noise.  And that noise is what kept me up from midnight to 3am last night - little grunts and moans that are mostly due to his trouble figuring out how to coordinate his poop.  He looked like he was asleep the whole time, but (strangely) did not respond at all to my pleading with him to just stop making noises and get a sound sleep already.  The silly thing is, as soon as I gave in, sat up in bed, fed him again and then put him in a different position, he fell into a solid sleep, and then stayed that way for another few hours.  It took me 3 hours to figure that out.  Maybe it's because I was so used to Finn nursing every 2-3 hours overnight without ever really waking me that I'm having so much trouble thinking clearly now?  Or maybe it's the whole anemia/crazy hormones/fatigue thing talking.  But tonight I'm prepared with my iPad and Ne.tflix, and will sit up as soon as he starts being fussy and just watch a movie until he settles.  If I'd done that last night, I probably would have gotten another one to two hours of sleep.

My parents have been a good help with Finn, giving him lots of attention, but they tend to get tired of that after a while, and there's been a lot more TV than I'd like, and not quite as much consistent attention in the evenings.  As usual, they still tend to require me to specifically ask them to do something, especially with the baby, and that can be incredibly frustrating, as it would be so nice if they could anticipate some of our needs.  Sometimes it feels as though it would be be easier to be on my own, so I wouldn't be disappointed when help I was hoping for didn't materialize. But I'm not having to cook dinner, and I have someone to hold the baby while I do Finn's nighttime routine, so I think I need to stop resenting the things they don't do and just be grateful for the help they do give me.  

preparing the chicken for dinner

Helping Granma

The one thing I can't shake though, is that Zachary will really be getting into his fun stage just when it's time for me to go back to work.  I'll have almost 2 more weeks with him that I did with Finn, but I'm still already dreading going back to work on May 1.  I really hope that over the next year I can figure out some sort of change in my schedule that allows me to spend more time with my boys.  Oh, how amazing 3 months off would be if I were fully healed and getting a good night's sleep! And boy, does working part-time sound lovely.  Maybe I should have thought about that before I bought this house! (Though if I can ever sell my condo, I might actually be able to afford to cut my hours by 4-5 a week...wouldn't that be heavenly?)

Big Brother Finn

Holding my 2 boys together for the first time

What an amazing, wonderful and exhausting 14 days it has been.  I want to share it all here, so I don't forget a thing, but there's so much to say that I find myself deciding to go to bed or watch TV instead of starting a post.  So I'm just going to start with writing about how Finn is adjusting, and then tackle the other posts over the next few days.  (And I apologize in advance for the how disjointed this post probably will be!)

Finn is an amazing big brother.  Don't get me wrong - he's 2 (almost 3!) so he has his moments, but overall, he's just wonderful with Zachary.  He loves to hold him, to kiss on him and to comment over and over again, "He likes me!" even when Zachary is fussing because he's tired of his big brother kissing on his feet.

He likes me! 

First time holding his baby brother

For the first week or so (time is fuzzy already, so I don't remember for sure), Finn didn't come to bed with me in the middle of the night, like he usually does.  Instead he would sleep in his own bed until he was awake for the morning, and then come into my bedroom, crawl into bed, and then cuddle with Zachary.  Then one night when I was up feeding Zachary, I thought I heard Finn in the playroom, but he never came into my room.  I was so tired I didn't really think anymore about it, but the next time I was up for a feeding, I decided to investigate.  I went into the playroom and found Finn asleep on the couch.  I thought about leaving him there, then decided to go ahead and wake him to come into my room.  I think he wasn't quite sure if he was welcome in my room or not, now that Zachary is here.  So as soon as I asked him if he wanted to come to bed with me, he woke up and said yes.  He toddled into my room and went right to sleep.  Zachary was pretty fussy a few nights ago and neither of us got much sleep, and I know we bothered Finn.  I was sure that would put him off wanting to come to bed with us anymore, but he's still making his way into my room in the early morning hours.




I'm not sure which is winning out - the amazingly wonderful feeling of sleeping with my boys on either side of me, or the uncomfortable feeling in my neck and shoulders from trying to sleep between my two boys.

Nanny M has come several times for the entire day, and few days for a half day since we've been home, and has been able to give extra attention to Finn while I focus on Zachary. My parents are here now, and before them our amazing Heidi was here, and they have made sure he's felt lots of love and affection.  I'm starting to feel stronger and more ready to be able to do more with Finn, so I'm hoping that in the next week or so I'll be the one taking him for "adventures" outside while Zachary stays at home.  I think Finn would be doing ok if it was just the two of us, but having the extra sets of hands (and eyes) has made the transition much easier.

Finn is fascinated by breast feeding.  We talked about it before Zachary was born, and looked at pictures of Finn when he was first born and nursing, so he was prepared.  He often wants to come watch, and several times has asked, "can I touch your boobies?"  (I know, I should teach him to call them breasts, but he sounds so cute when he calls them boobies.) The first few days we were home it seemed he told everyone who came to visit, "Baby Zachary eats milk from Mommy's boobies!"  And whenever Zachary cries, Finn will usually look at me and say, "I think Baby Zachary needs a little help from your boobies, Mommy."

My favorite selfie ever

picture by Finn

Well, half the time Finn calls him Baby Zachary.  The other half he calls him Baby Chimichanga.  He's started to correct himself some, but I bet he'll be Chimichanga for a few more months at least.  In the hospital, Heidi and I had no problem calling him Zachary, but once we got home, I found myself calling him Chimichanga all the time myself.  Poor kid.

We read a lot of big brother/new baby books before Zachary was born.  Our favorite was What Baby Needs - it's written by Drs. Sears, and includes baby wearing, skin to skin, nursing and cosleeping as topics.  It was pretty easy to edit out the dad references, and overall it did a good job of preparing Finn for what the new baby was going to be like, while including some talking guides for parents.  There were other books that were fine, but this book was the only one he asked for on a regular basis, and the only one that really seemed to be a good preparation for what it would mean to have a new baby in the house.

another selfie

And now it's time to feed the baby and hope for a decent night's sleep!

My 365 Project

About a month ago, I decided to do a 365 day photo project. I've thought about doing them before, but just never committed to it. The inspiration for this 365 project was "second child syndrome." You know, where the first kid has a million pictures taken of him, and the second has none. I so enjoy going back and looking at pictures of Finn from the past almost 3 years, and I'd really hate it if I can't do the same with Zachary. They change so much in such a short period of time!

 I have a few goals in mind:

1. to work on my skills at photographing my kids, something I was already excited about doing with all the natural light in my new house
2. to take at least 3/4 of them with my real camera, though iPhone days will be allowed
3. to have at least 1/2 (but ideally 3/4) of them just Zachary, and not all of them with the two boys, as I know I'd be tempted to do. 
4. not to be upset with myself if I don't meet the first 3 goals.  I'll be happy if I manage to get one picture every day, whether it's a snapshot with my phone, or a carefully thought out photograph with my camera.  It's pretty easy to tell on this first set which are which!  I just hope to end this project with a year of pictures, and a noticeable (at least to me) improvement in my skills.

I think I'll post them on Wednesdays, so this first post is a week and half of Baby Zachary.  I started the day after he was born, so my last day will be his first birthday.  (If I can keep it up!)

(1/365) 2/8/14: milk coma 

2/9/14: post circumcision sleep

2/10/14: Too happy to be a gas smile

2/11/14: umbilical cord

2/12/14: skin to skin

2/13/14: bath time 

2/14/14: brotherly love 

2/15/14: zonked out during his first professional photo shoot

2/16/14: waking up

2/17/14: captivated by Finn's story

2/18/14: first bath in the tub - with help from big brother

Our Birth Story

I stayed awake too late on Thursday night, trying to get all those last minute things done that I'd somehow forgotten to do until 10pm the night before my c-section, and were suddenly vitally important.  But despite the late bedtime, I got a really good night's sleep, waking up only once to go to the bathroom, and again about 15 minutes before my alarm went off.  We had to be at the hospital at 5:45, so it was really early when we left.  I gave Finn a kiss (lucky for me he was still asleep) and we headed out.

As soon as I got there, I was checked in to a quiet room that's especially designed for c-section patients, and everyone got to work.  I had a nonstress test to make sure the baby was still doing ok, then got my IV, some fluid, Heidi got her OR garb on, and suddenly it was time to go back. When we first got back to the operating room area, they let me walk myself into the OR and climb up on the table.  Within minutes the anesthesiologist was there to administer my spinal - I had to lean forward as he prepped me, and Chimichanga did not like that at all.  It was incredibly uncomfortable, so much so that I barely felt the stick and burn as they numbed me.  Chimi started to move around a lot as I turned to lie back on the table, and the last thing I felt as the spinal kicked in was his butt trying once again to shove up under my rib cage.

Me and Lisa before surgery

Heidi ready for the OR

I had the typical blood pressure drop with the spinal, and so there were a few minutes of increasing my fluids and giving me some meds to bring up my pressure while I felt lightheaded and tingly.  Soon anesthesia was checking to make sure I was properly numb, I was being draped and prepped and Heidi was coming back into the room and my blood pressure was up - it was baby time!  The radio was playing, and as soon as Israel "Iz" Kamakawiwo'ole's Over the Rainbow started to play, I teared up.  I commented on how that song always makes me cry, and then I was given one more reason for that song to make me cry, because I heard Zachary's first cry as he was born while it was playing, at 7:29am on 2/7/14.

Dr. L held him up for me to see, and Heidi left my side to go be with him and report back on what was happening with him.  "He's so cute!" "He's 9pounds 8ounces!"  "His liver is normal!" amongst others, most of which she had to yell to be heard over his very robust cry.  Then the NICU nurse practicioner came over to tell me he was perfect, and everything looked good, and Heidi joined us while holding Zachary. She was able to sit down next to me for a few minutes so I could look at him and nuzzle for a few minutes, before they sent them out to recovery while they finished up with me.

Heidi, Zachary and me

I was then wheeled out into the recovery area, and finally got to hold my boy.  The nurse put him skin to skin on my chest, and left us for just a minute, saying she'd be right back to help him try to nurse, but as soon as she put him down he started rooting around and trying to latch on to my skin.  So Heidi helped me to move him and he was trying to nurse within minutes of being in my arms.

I vaguely noticed the nurse come back in to check my bleeding and she noted that it seemed like I was bleeding a lot, and then another who looked at the monitor and said, "Is that her blood pressure?"  I glanced up and saw 63/40, and then there was a flurry of activity as they checked my blood pressure again, changed my fluids, Dr. L came in and started to exam me and anesthesia was called to come back in.  They decided I was hemorrhaging, and Dr. L began to try to remove clots from my uterus while pressing on my abdomen and they gave me meds to help my uterus clamp down.  I am so thankful the spinal was still working, as I can tell from how much my body was moving as they worked on me that I would have been in horrible pain if it hadn't been.

They did a good job of keeping calm, and surprisingly I felt better with my blood pressure barely measuring on the monitor than I had in the OR when it was in the 90s.  I knew it was serious - I remember thinking that I really hoped they didn't have to take me back to the OR for an emergency hysterectomy because the recovery from that would be awful and I wouldn't be able to go home on Sunday - but I never felt overly anxious.  I'm not sure if it was because they were so calm in their management, or if it was because of the fact that I was distracted by Zachary, but it really wasn't until later that I realized how bad it could have been - and that it was pretty bad to begin with (my hemoglobin went from 13.5 pre-op to 8.4 post-op).

Our time in recovery was a bit longer than anticipated, but I finally made it back to the room, and Zachary was able to come with me.  He had a abdominal x-ray done in the room, which was normal, and then he had to go down to radiology for an ultrasound (Aunt Heidi was able to go with him for that) while they continued to monitor me and give me lots and lots of fluids.  My blood pressure stayed low for a while, but finally came back into the low normal range about the time the pediatrician stopped by to let me know all his tests were normal. In addition to the worries about his liver calcifications, I had been worried that I didn't do as well with my gestational diabetes as I could have, so I was also very relieved when his blood sugars all came back normal, and he was alert and breathing well.

X-ray

I had a hamburger, hush puppies and a chocolate shake with Reese's cups for lunch, and though I only managed a few bites of the burger and the hush puppies, I did get the entire shake finished by the late afternoon. I was feeling pretty out of it, and asked to get the pain pump changed to oral meds as quickly as possible, which left me feeling a little more uncomfortable, but a lot more awake.  I was able to get the catheter out in the evening, and walked to the bathroom with assistance so I was cleared to go on my own after that.  Friday night was a blur of Zachary waking to eat - each time struggling to get latched on, but then eating like a champ once he was - and Heidi helping me by bringing him to me in the bed.

Saturday I was feeling much better - still really tired, but I was able to stand up straight, and I took a shower.  I had wonderful food all day, and just a few visitors, which was perfect.  Lisa came to hang out at lunch, and stayed while Heidi went back to the house to shower and change clothes.  I managed a walk in the hallways, and Facetimed with Finn.  He was so bemused by Zachary - I wish I'd been able to video it, he was excited and confused, all at the same time.  He definitely missed me, and didn't sleep well while I was gone.

Aunt Heidi with Zachary

Sunday morning Dr. L came by and pronounced me fit enough to go home.  I ended up deciding to circumcise Zachary - I was undecided when I'd arrived at the hospital, but the pediatrician on call was someone I know and trust, and she said she would do both sugar water and local anesthetic, and use the Plastibell, which just seems so much better to me than the way they did it with Finn.  He was sound asleep when he came back to the room, and was completely content all day, just nursing a lot and sleeping...which is what I think he would have done, anyway!

Baby Zachary

We had lunch at the hospital, then loaded everything up to head home.  Zachary woke up just as we were leaving the room, and so we got to the car and the first thing I did was get into the front seat with him and nurse him in the loading zone before putting him into the car seat, which he hated, until he fell asleep.  I still can't quite believe I had a postpartum hemorrhage and still was able to leave the hospital in two days!

Zachary is such a sweet baby. He has a huge set of lungs on him, but he doesn't cry too often, and when he does, it never lasts long.  He loves to snuggle, and makes the cutest little noises.  Finn is in love with his baby brother...but that's a subject for another post.
 

He's Here!

Zachary Grove arrived this morning at 7:29am, and measures 9lb8oz and 22 inches long!

He's just perfect.  And so far all his tests have shown just a few calcified spots in his liver, as expected, and nothing else worrisome.  His blood sugars have been good, he's nursing like a champ, and has a HUGE cry.

My recovery was complicated by a postpartum hemorrhage and drop in my blood pressure, so I'm not feeling all that great, but I am definitely feeling better than I did a few hours ago.  I'll post more in the next day or so!

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers and good wishes!  xoxoxo

(his middle name is in honor of my grandfather, Grover)

PreOp and Neonatologist Visit

As of 12:15 this afternoon, I'm officially on maternity leave!  I spent the afternoon in various medical appointments, which was exciting and exhausting.  I had my last prenatal OB visit first, complete with a nonstress test and then a visit with the doctor who will be delivering Chimi.  As I checked out, the receptionist told me I was the best patient, "You've been on time for all your appointments, and that never happens with physicians."  My parents would be shocked to hear I was never late.

From there I went over to the hospital and had my preop labs done, and completed everything for registration, and got my final pre-op instructions.  I then met with a neonatologist.

I think I've neglected to mention that they've been following something with Chimi on all these ultrasounds I've had, something that's probably nothing, but is enough of a something that neonatology is now involved.

At about 20 weeks, they noticed a few little calcifications in the liver.  This is usually a benign and isolated finding, but sometimes associated with trisomies or congenital CMV.  So I had the Materniti21 test done, which was normal, and had my CMV titers rechecked (I was positive before, but they double checked my IgM to be sure I hadn't had a reinfection, and it was negative.)  They've stayed the same the entire pregnancy, and no other ultrasound findings have popped up to raise suspicion for either CMV or an undetected trisomy.  Then with Finn's history, there's always the concern for a mass, even though both the genetic counselor and Finn's oncologist have both said there's not a genetic link with neuroblastoma, and Finn and Chimi only share 50% DNA, and neuroblastoma would not be expected to show up as a primary tumor in the liver.

But, they still want to be sure that everything is ok. So neonatology saw me today, and talked about what they would do - plans for a full physical exam, a blood count and an abdominal ultrasound. If all those are fine, then there's no other worries.  But worse case scenario - he may need more evaluation such as an MRI, a CT or other interventions.

We also talked about the stuff that all c-section babies may face, mainly respiratory issues, and of course possible issues like low blood sugars because of my gestational diabetes, that might lead to a NICU stay.

After all that, the neonatologist (who had a wonderful dry sense of humor and was just wonderful) suggested that I take a NICU tour to familiarize myself with it, and "to ward off evil spirits" he then looked me straight in the eye and said, "and I really believe that."

So once we were done, I got a tour of the NICU, which is just amazing.  It's ALL private rooms, and each room has a comfy chair, a bed, and a breast pump, so that parents can actually stay with their babies day and night, and they encourage this, no matter how sick the baby is.  It was a lovely, calm place.  And I hope I never set foot in there again.

Both my perinatologist and the neonatologist reassured me that they don't think I should worry too much, but "if there wasn't anything to worry about, we wouldn't be sitting here having this conversation."

I'm scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 5:45am on Friday morning, and will have another nonstress test, and get prepped for surgery, then am expected to be in the OR at 7:15.  The c-section probably won't actually happen until around 8, and then if all goes well, we should be in our room by 10 or 11am.  I'm hoping to be eating a hamburger and a chocolate shake with Reese's cups in it by around 1pm  (yes, food ranks up there as one of my biggest priorities!), and updating my blog at some point in the afternoon  The nurses told me today that the OB group I'm with has a great standing protocol for getting patients up and moving, and for pain management, so most of their patients do great with pain control, better than the other groups' patients.  Which was very reassuring to hear, and has me feeling more confident that this recovery will be better than my last.

I'm so ready for this baby to be born, and really hoping that all his tests are normal.  It would be lovely to have a child with no major health issues.  Amazingly lovely.

Letter to Finn

Dear Finn,

In just a few days, we're going to go from a family of two to a family of 3.  I'm so excited, and also a little sad, as I've so loved being a Mommy and Finn family, and will miss some of our one on one time together.  I do know that you will be a great big brother, and I'm so very happy that I'm going to be able to watch you grow into that role, and I know that expanding our family was the right thing to do for us both.  I can already feel the love in our house growing and expanding as we prepare to make room for your baby brother, and I just can't wait to see how the next years unfold.

You are a smart, and funny and very opinionated little boy (who these days will correct anyone who calls you a baby, a little boy or a big boy by saying, "I'm not a baby, I'm a big brother!) and you are so full of love and concern for others.  I love watching you discover your ability to make others laugh and feel happy, and also start to understand that sometimes your actions can make people sad.  One of my favorite things you do is after you've been especially difficult and then tried to behave better - you look at me with a huge grin on your face and say, "Are you happy, Mommy?" Even when I'm not happy, it always makes me smile. Or when I'm feeling very irritated at you and you look up and say, "Smile, Mommy!"

You talk a mile a minute, sometimes so fast that your mouth can't keep up with your brain and it takes you forever to get out what you're trying to say. You sing all the time these days, and sometimes even let me sing along, too.  Our bedtime routine continues to be challenging, but one part I love is when I snuggle with you in your bed and tell you one last story, always something I made up based on what you want me to tell you.  It started with me telling you your story of how you came to be born, and then changes on a regular basis based on your mood.  I've told you stories about Simba, Mickey, and Donald (all different stories), as well as the story of building and moving into our new house, and lately the story of what will happen when Baby Chimichanga comes home.

Your favorite books these days are Hands Hands Fingers Thumb (which you almost have memorized), What Baby Needs (I love to watch you go through the book and hear what you say about each page) and Green Eggs and Ham.  It's so fun to hear you talk about the books as we read them, and discuss what's going on in each picture.  And I love when you giggle at the same parts every time we read them. I also love that I can count on your favorite books being completely different in just a couple of weeks.

Enjoying the trace of snow in our backyard

It's so fun to ask you questions, as sometimes you'll seriously think about the answer, putting your finger on your cheek and saying, "Let me see now..." before giving your answer, and sometimes you'll act bewildered and say, "I don't know, Mommy!" while clearly reveling in the fact that you're just teasing.

You are such an affectionate little boy.  I will never tire of hearing you say, "I love you, Mommy" for no reason at all.  And I've lost track of the number of times I've been late for work because you asked me to get back in bed and snuggle with you instead of actually getting ready.  I think the construction guys working on the houses on either side of us get a kick out of you as you wave goodbye to me in the morning, and to your Nanny M in the evening - especially when you yell things like, "Drive carefully, Mommy!" and "Don't get wet!" when there's not a cloud in the sky.

I'm constantly amazed by the foods you will eat, and have really enjoyed introducing you to cooking. We made this chicken chili recipe together a few weeks ago, and that moment when you took your first bite and then said, "Wow, this is good, Mommy!" made my week.  And then you said, "Who made this for us?" and acted so proud when I said that we made it together.  At this rate you'll be a better cook than I am by the time you're 10 - and you already have a wider palate than I do.

This next week is going to be hard.  Because of the flu outbreak, you won't be able to come see me in the hospital, so it could be 2 or 3 days before I get to see you after I leave for the hospital on Friday morning. I know I'll cry when I leave, but I hope that you don't see it...I don't want you to worry that I'm sad, because I'm not really.  Ok, I am a little, but mainly because I've not been away from you for this long before. I keep reminding myself that it's leading up to 3 whole months that we get to spend together, so the few days apart will be worth it.  I know it will be a tough adjustment for you to get used to a little baby in the house, but I'll do my best to make it easy for you, and help you grow into your big brother role without too much stress.

After I finish this letter, I'm going to go into your room like I do every night before I go to bed and kiss your little cheek, and resist the temptation to snuggle with you in your bed.  I love you so much, my sweet boy!