Frustrated with Myself

I am really not happy with my parenting skills - or lack thereof - these days.  The past few weeks have been incredibly trying.  We've been struggling with sleep issues around here for ages, but it's been much worse lately.  I'm working on fixing it, but it's slow going and is resulting in very little time to myself at night and lots of sleep deprivation for Finn.

I'm just so tired.  And I'm so short tempered as a result, which is a bad combination with a sleep deprived 2 year old.  The past two weekends (and the evenings) have been so hard with Finn being a typical toddler - defiant, difficult and demanding - and me feeling like a shrew as a result.  I know I could handle a lot of this better.  I know I could defuse many of the situations that get out of hand if I responded the right way.  And I generally know the right way.  But I'm just so tired, I don't have the patience to respond with a sense of humor and calm demeanor that is needed.  I don't have the energy to be the mom that I want to be and know I can be.  I really don't like who I am as a mom right now, and am shocked that Finn still wants to spend any time with me at all.

I need a break.  Just a few hours.  Every minute that I am awake and Finn is in bed I should be doing something (and tonight that something is not scheduled to be talking to my sister or blogging, but that's what I'm doing).  So I stay up too late, and then I'm even more tired.  And I need even more of a break.

Tonight I got some bad news.  My 90 year old grandmother passed away this afternoon.  She's been in gradual decline over the past few years, so it's not an absolute shock, but still unexpected, as there was no illness or real change lately that gave us any warning that the end was imminent. We were very close when I was younger, but have not been as close since I've been older - it's been especially hard the past few years as she's aged and has changed so much from the woman I remember.  I'm going to try to remember the woman who told me bedtime stories of the glamorous life I would lead when I grew up, who would give me hot dogs and Butterfingers for lunch every day, and who would come in from working in the garden wiping her face with a little smile and say, "the sweat is just a rollin'!"

I feel very guilty, but I don't think Finn and I will be able to make it to the funeral. I'd love to be able to go, I'd love to be able to see my family, but the thought of the travel right now...I just can't even imagine mustering up the energy to get myself down there, much less Finn.  My mom sent an email tonight that said she had lunch with my grandmom today, and she'd asked about us.  And then said that my grandmom would understand if we couldn't make it.  I still feel horrible that I'm even considering not going.

And tonight was a low point in my parenting.  Lots of crying from Finn and me both.  I hope I'm not scaring him for life.

Finn with his Great-Grandmom two years ago

24 Week Update

Twenty-four weeks.  Viability.

It drives me crazy when people wax poetic about how great it is to reach viability, as it makes it sound as though they're being completely oblivious to how difficult it would be to have a baby born that early - and that viability is still no guarantee that all will be well.  But of course, there is no guarantee, ever.  Bad things happen.  Loss happens.  Tragic things happen.  All of us in this community know that.  And yet we all continue to be willing to risk tragedy, because without that risk the beautiful, wonderful, joyful things that make life worth living would never happen, either.

The reality is that it is reassuring to meet this milestone, knowing that if my baby is born now, he at least has a fighting chance. But at the same time, I really, really, really, really hope he decides to wait until he's fully cooked.  Are you listening, Chimi?  Stay put until February!

Chimi almost 3 weeks ago

It's amazing how different this pregnancy is.  Last time I was less stressed, had more rest, started out 10 pounds lighter, had mostly good blood sugars but always had borderline blood pressure, and exercised 2-5 days a week the entire pregnancy. I have barely exercised this entire pregnancy, my blood pressure has been consistently 10-15 points lower, I'm now only 5 pounds heavier than I was at this point in my last pregnancy, and have had a lot harder time with my blood sugars.  I'm now wearing a continuous glucose sensor because my sugars have been so weird that I was worried I was missing things with just fingersticks (and I was), and in the past week I have suddenly had to start following a much stricter diet to keep my sugars at target.  Not to mention that I'm on insulin at bedtime and taking metformin.  I'm starting to have dreams of all the food I'm going to enjoy once Chimi arrives...cake, doughnuts, pizza, pasta, rice, apple pie, pecan pie, pumpkin bread...and fruity pebbles cereal.  I haven't had fruity pebbles in years, but suddenly now that I can't have them that's all I can think about.  Yummm, fruity pebbles.

I'm really hoping that as things calm down just a little (finally it feels like it could happen), I'll start to have time in the evening for a quick workout, something more than the walk around the block Finn and I take a few times a week.  I really think my sugars would be better if I could do that - it's just a question of squeezing it in.  Somehow.

One really great thing that's better with this pregnancy is my back pain.  Or lack thereof.  This time last pregnancy my hip and low back hurt constantly.  At this time last pregnancy, there is no way I could have survived a day at Disney World without a wheelchair, and yet last week I had barely a twinge of back pain.

I credit the massage therapist at my acupuncturist's office for this.  I saw her for fertility massages last year, and in the course of my first massage, she discovered that my hip and back pain was caused from muscle spasms in the front of my hips, not the back.  All it took was 5-6 massages before getting pregnant, and the pain that was always there even when not pregnant, and definitely plagued me my entire pregnancy (despite weekly chiropractic and acupuncture sessions) is gone.

Of course, I'm not yet feeling that pull on my abdomen from the weight of the baby - as long as I hold my abs tight when I stand up, I barely feel different at all, until I try to lean up against a counter, that is.  So I'm prepared for it to become a problem again. But considering I was miserable starting at about 9 weeks last time, I'm thrilled to have this respite, even if it doesn't last.

I can't quite believe I'm more than halfway through.  16 weeks left (and no more, since I'll be a scheduled c-section).  The first trimester felt like a year, but the past 6 weeks have flown by.  I'm feeling a little more bonded these days, as he's so incredibly active and is constantly making sure I know he's here.  I'm grumpy just about all the time at work, but I still find lots to smile about every single day.

Life is hard.  And yet is really is beautiful, too.

Moving - Part 1

Cousins being goofy

My sister and her family live about 30-40 minutes from me - our boys are close, and Finn adores the entire family.  J and I grew up far away from our extended family, and barely know any of our cousins, so we've loved the fact that our boys are growing up together.  It's been such a joy watching them grow up together, watching D mature into his role as big brother/big cousin, and seeing Finn and O become buddies (who have the most infectious giggles you've ever heard when they get each other going).

J has been in a miserable job for years - drastically underpaid compared to her coworkers, but working longer hours than she ever anticipated. (Can you guess where this is heading?)  A few months ago her old boss contacted her and told her that his new company was hiring, was she interested?  She wasn't sure, but went forward with the application process, was offered the job (less hours, much more pay) and accepted it.  Her new job is in Texas.  Over 1000 miles away.

She leaves this week and starts her new job next Monday, and then will be back in mid-November to pick up the rest of the family and move them all.  We'd planned on getting the boys together today for one last trip to the pumpkin patch, but then her oldest came down with a nasty stomach bug, so that plan was cancelled.  We're not going to be able to meet up this week before she leaves...and it's not clear that we'll have time to meet up when she's here for her quick trip next month, either.  Realistically, it may be 1-2 years before we all spend quality time together again as a family.  After seeing them every month (at a minimum) for the past 8 years, I'm really going to miss them.

I'm so happy for her, it's such a great opportunity and really is the best thing for her family. I know it's going to be hard transition for them all, but once they're settled, the extra money and extra time at home are going to make it all worth it. And yet I'm so sad that she's going to be so far away.  I can barely even think about it without crying.

Maybe it's a good thing Finn and I went to the pumpkin patch alone this year - at least there were no tears.

Mickey Mouse!

Finn has lots of things he loves - planes, Nemo, Simba (his current favorite imaginary friend), bubbles, shaking his booty, but his absolute favorite is Mickey Mouse.  This love started after Disney World last winter; I think the trip started it, but Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is definitely what has cemented this love.

So I was overjoyed when I was notified that I had a speaker training conference in Orlando this past weekend.  Of course I was going to bring Finn and Nanny M with me, so it seemed completely reasonable to add on an extra day and make a quick visit to Disney World again.

I am so glad we did it!  The entire day was great, and Finn was happy and enjoyed it all, even though it was a whirlwind trip of 3 parks in one day and kept him out way past his bedtime.  By far the very best part was meeting Mickey Mouse.  I was a little worried that he would be scared, so I prepared him by showing him a picture of another single mom friend and her baby with Mickey and Minnie, and talked a lot about what it would be like to meet them.

It's such an overused word at Disney, but the 5 minutes we spent with Mickey and Minnie truly were magical.  He was SO excited to see them, and to give them high fives and tell them he loved them. And ever since then he hasn't been able to stop talking about meeting them and loves to look at the pictures.

I can't wait to take him back and have more time, as I now have a really good idea of exactly how to plan a good Disney vacation with a young child...but I'm guessing it will be a few more years before I have the chance for a real Disney vacation again!

Until then, I'll enjoy this wonderful memory:

"You're Home, Mommy"

We had a rough weekend, Finn and I did.  I had underestimated the physical effect of the stress of the past few months on me, and I underestimated the effects of the stress on Finn.

Saturday was probably the worst.  I felt awful with a headache, nausea and fatigue, Finn refused to nap, and the day ended with an enormous meltdown of epic proportions from Finn.  I held it together, stayed calm, and was really proud of how well I controlled my temper while he screamed and yelled and clearly scared even himself.  He finally calmed down and allowed me to comfort him, and then put his pjs on so we could have story time.  I started to read to him, and to my surprise, I started crying.  It took Finn a minute to realize I was crying, and then he turned to me and said, "What's happening to you? What's happening?"  I told him I was just tired and sad, and he started kissing my arm, and then turned around so he could kiss my cheek.  "It's ok, Mommy.  I wuv you."

Then as I was tucking him in to bed a little while later, he reached his hands up to face and said, "You're home, Mommy.  You're home."

He's done that a lot lately.  He'll just turn to me and say with a huge smile on his face, "You're home, Mommy."

The funny thing is, except for Sunday morning studying, I've been home as much, if not more, than usual over the past few months.  But when I've been home, I've not always been present.  I've either not felt well, or been preoccupied with studying and all the other crazy things going on right now. I've been overwhelmed, and Finn has definitely noticed.

My boards are over, but there's still a lot going on that has me stressed and distracted.  But I need to find a way to keep that stress out of the few hours that Finn and I have together - it's clear that he needs me to do that. We only have a few more months of a being a Mom and Finn family, and I want to savor it.

And while today's stressors will be gone by the time Chimi arrives, life is stressful.  Life as a single mom with two kids is going to be stressful.  I need to figure out some coping strategies now and figure out how to be fully present when I'm home.

One important part is learning to really take better care of myself.  My body let me know this weekend that I've got to get better at that. Today I'm back to eating healthier, and I'm (still) trying to get to sleep by 10pm every night.  I've decided to start rationing my time after Finn goes to sleep, which means that I'll have nights that are for work catchup, nights that are for blogging and catching up online, and nights that are for reading or watching TV. Somehow I've got to figure out how to get some exercise in, but for now I'll stick with walks with Finn and work from there.

I know I'm not the only single mom (or married mom for that matter) who struggles with this.  How do you destress and take care of yourself? What do you do to be fully present when you're home with your kids? I'd love to hear what others do.

I feel in a strange sense of limbo right now, as life will change drastically once Chimi is here, and then I'll be on maternity leave for 3 months, and all will change when I go back to work in the late spring.  But I think I need to build a better foundation now, if nothing else to make the next 4 months a lot more enjoyable for both of us.

And done!

In front of a 300 year old live oak

Hi my bloggy friends! I've missed you the past few weeks!

My boards were today - and man did they suck.  I know there were a few questions I missed just because I forgot something, but most of the ones I didn't know the answer to were things I knew well, but the questions were designed so strangely that I couldn't figure out what they were looking for.  I've talked to a few others who felt the same way, so hopefully the worst of the questions will be thrown out!  Now for the few month wait to find out if I passed...

I'm looking forward to catching up with everyone over the next week or so and looking forward to blogging again, too.

As you may have seen on Instagram, last week we were in New Orleans for my board review course. I'm not sure the course helped my score on the boards but I did learn/relearn a lot, so I'll hopefully be a better doctor for it. Finn had lots of fun with Grandma and PopPop while I was in class, and I played hooky one day so I could do a little sightseeing and take a break from the books.

The travel was exhausting, though, and I'm beat after the stress of today, so I'll start catching up with everyone tomorrow.  It's good to be back - and so good to have my life back after months of studying!

A Brief Fast

Are these undies or a hat?

My boards are October 1 and I'm in the midst of cramming every last bit of information into my head that I possibly can.  Life is distracting me, and I'm pretty sure I'm one more stressful event away from an absolute breakdown, but I'm holding out for October 1, and the hope that things will be easier to manage once that's not hanging over my head.

I find myself repeatedly drawn to my computer at night when I'm studying.  I want to know how all my bloggy friends are doing, I want to check in on FB and Twitter, and I even find myself reading the latest gossip on people who I barely recognize.  It's eating into my study time and my sleep time.  To make matters worse, I'm not doing much commenting, so I'm not being a supportive blogger, either.

So I've decided to do something I've never done before - a social media fast for the next 3 weeks. I'm sure I'll cheat at lunch and check FB, and probably post more cute pictures of Finn on Instagram, but otherwise, I'm staying away.  I need to get good studying in, and I desperately need more than 7 hours of sleep a night, and this is the only way I can do it.  I've already cut out tv, but that alone is just not enough.

I'll miss you all, but I'm already looking forward to three weeks of blog entries to catch up on in October!

Bad Day, Good News

First, the important stuff - Finn's MRI showed that the residual tumor is stable, and the questionable lymph nodes seen last time are either stable or smaller, and are now considered to be normal "childhood lymph nodes."  So we should be going to every 6 month MRI's now, except that 6 months from now is early March.  And I really can't imagine doing an MRI day with a newborn.  So we'll do 4 months instead, and then go to 6 months after that - and hopefully one a year very soon after that.

Now, the crappy details of our day.  It started out well.  I was on time, Finn was incredibly cooperative, we were having a fun drive in, and then we hit bumper to bumper traffic.  The car in front of me started to go, then stopped suddenly - and I started to go, but couldn't stop, and I hit her.  I'm not going to go into all the details, but she seemed lovely, completely understanding when I exchanged information with her, and gave her my info (including my license so she could see I was telling her the truth about my name!), and was ok with me leaving while she waited for the police to come.

We were just a few minutes late for our MRI, but then registration was running way behind, and so we didn't get back until almost 8 (we got there a little after 7).  And then MRI was running behind because of some unexpected pediatric cases, and so it was closer to 9 before Finn went back.  He was such a trooper.  He played in the waiting room, he smiled at everyone, and kept asking me, "Where are all these people going, Mommy?"

The anesthesiologist came in to talk to me and I discussed my fears.  He said that it was equally likely that it was the Versed or the anesthesia agent that caused his reaction, and that it was unusual to happen just one time, but he thought that since it was just once, it was likely that it wouldn't happen again.  But while he was willing to not do the Versed if I wanted, he really thought it would be better if we did.  And then he reassured me that we could stay in recovery until I was sure he wasn't having the reaction, and if he did, I could keep him there, with nurses to help me, until it was over.

So I decided to give him the Versed.  He hated it, kept saying how yucky it tasted, but within minutes was relaxed and snuggling in my arms.  He didn't complain at all when the anesthesiologist took him back, and it clearly didn't matter to him if I went back with them or not (I had take Claire's suggestion and asked if I could be with him until he was under), so I opted to let him go alone, as a state trooper was waiting in the parking lot with me.

The trooper was very nice, apologized for having to give me a ticket, had me fill out a report, and that was it.  Then he said, "I'm sorry you've had such a rough day, I hope everything goes ok with the MRI" and of course I started crying.  I got myself together before I went back into the hospital, though, and thankfully decided to splurge on a muffin and a Diet Coke while waiting.

I called my insurance company while I waited, then got work done, and agonized over the wait until a volunteer finally came to get me and told me I needed to go with him back to radiology.  Another volunteer had just told me that Finn was in recovery, and they were going to call me up soon, so I was very confused.  I kept questioning him, and he said that they were taking him to audiology, and that a nurse would come meet me there, and that he wasn't even in recovery yet.  So he left me standing in the waiting room in radiology, wondering what the hell they'd found that made him need audiology, and why I was in the radiology waiting room.  As I was waiting for someone at the front desk to be free to help me, I realized that even if they had found something, there's no way they'd take a toddler straight from anesthesia to audiology, so I relaxed a little.

As it turned out, they couldn't do the ultrasound that he usually gets while still in MRI, because there was no tech free.  So they were going to take him straight from recovery to ultrasound, and was to go wait in ultrasound.  I'm sitting in the waiting room, again in tears, imagining Finn freaking out and wanting his Mommy, but being surrounded by people he doesn't know instead.  Finally, after what seemed like hours, but was probably only 5 minutes, a nurse came to get me and took me back.  She explained that he had been sound asleep while in recovery, so they were hoping to get him down and into ultrasound still asleep, and thought he'd be more likely to stay asleep if I stayed downstairs.  But then he woke up on the way down, and so he was lying on the big huge gurney, whimpering for mommy when I finally got to see him again.

He visibly relaxed when I walked in the room, and even managed a few giggles after he had some snuggles with me.  The ultrasound tech was wonderful and helped Finn not be afraid of the test, and so he was very still and cooperated with the entire thing.

It was 11:40 before we left the hospital and headed over to the oncology office - we're usually heading home by this point.  Finn never had a meltdown, though he was a little on edge, and very upset by his lack of coordination.  He played happily with all the toys in the office while we waited, and finally at noon we were taken back.  He was weighed and measured (and was so proud he could do it on his own) and basked in all the attention from everyone who remembers him and commented on how big he is and how cute he is.  He demanded that his blood pressure be taken in his arm instead of his leg, and corrected the doctor when she asked if she should listen to his foot with her stethoscope, "Listen to heart!" He cried a lot with the toe prick, but even then giggled at Elmo between his tears.  He's such a brave boy!

While were in the office, I got a call from my insurance company.  The woman I hit was now seeking medical attention (this was seriously just a fender bender, so really?  WTF?), so now it's been assigned to someone new.  I didn't get the message until later, but think I'll call and talk to the person now assigned to my case, just to get a clearer idea of what's going on.  Just one more thing to stress about, and really makes me wish I'd explained that my son's MRI today was to follow up on his cancer.

It was 1:30 before we left oncology, so I was exhausted and starving by the time we got home at 2.  Usually we're home by noon, so this was not at all expected, or I would have brought food for me, and not just for Finn.  I left Finn with Nanny M, got some really disgusting fast food, and then went to my OB appointment.  That was followed by a wonderful massage appointment (my massage therapist is truly a miracle worker, best massages I have ever had in my life, and I've had a lot!), and then acupuncture.  Thank goodness it occurred to me to schedule those today, because I really needed them.

This is the sort of day that calls for 3-4 glasses of wine.  But since I can't have that, I guess I'll go have some ice cream and go to bed.  (And then indulge in one more ugly cry before I go to sleep.)

Thank you for all the good thoughts today! That did help make the day a little more bearable.