Lucky Number 7

Post-MRI Finn

Finn's 7th MRI was this morning.

The morning didn't start out well.  Finn was up for hours last night, for no apparent reason (third time since Friday that he's done that), and so I was exhausted when my alarm went off less than an hour after he finally fell asleep.  I ran late getting ready, just making it out the door at the latest possible time I could leave and still be on time for our appointment.  Halfway there I realized I'd forgotten Finn's urine specimen.  Of course.

But I still made it there on time, and Finn was shyer than usual, but still friendly with the check-in staff who recognized him, and with the radiology staff who brought us back. Unlike last time we had almost no wait; he barely had time to play with the toys before we were brought back by someone I remembered from Finn's first hospitalization.  The anesthesiologist was one I'd never met before, but I loved her.  She gave me Versed to give to Finn (though she did refuse when I asked if she'd give me some, too), and while it took effect we talked about diabetes and families.  Finn has a healthy dose of separation anxiety these days, so I was really worried about him crying when I had to leave him, but with the Versed on board he just gave me a goofy, somewhat crossed-eyed grin when I kissed him before they took him back with not a tear in sight.

The amazing anesthesiologist contacted ultrasound and had them do their scan while Finn was still sedated, which made things much faster and easier, since I didn't have to fight him while they did the scan, and she also had the MRI tech burn me a copy of the MRI, which I'm not very good at reading, but sure does look cool.  I can't find the primary tumor here, we know it's smaller, but I don't know how much because the report wasn't finalized when we saw Dr. B later this morning.  On the left (the right and anterior side of the picture) I can see what I think is the secondary tumor that has gotten gradually smaller each scan, as well. But I don't know for sure...there's a reason I'm not a radiologist!

Finn's handsome profile

 But I'm getting ahead of myself!  My wait seemed to last forever, as it always does, but finally they came to take me up to recovery.  Finn was his usual happy self post-anesthesia, maybe even more so than usual since the Versed was still in his system.  He was surrounded by 3 nurses all just gushing over him, and he was on the bed, half drunk with a little smile on his face as his pacifier dangled out of his mouth.  He smiled even bigger when I came in the room, and wanted me to hold him, though he was so limp and floppy I almost dropped him.  The nurses again talked about how unusual it is for a child to wake up from anesthesia so happy.  I have no idea how he does it, but I'm so glad that he does!

We did have a bit of a wait at the oncologist's office.  Finn staggered around playing with toys while I tried to keep him from falling, until he suddenly decided he was hungry.  We were out of the baby food pouches, so I'd brought a jar of sweet potatoes along, figuring those would be easy on his stomach.  He insisted on feeding himself - always a messy proposition, but today was even worse with the sedatives still on board.  But he ate and then was mostly happy for the visit with Dr. B.  She had to call radiology to get the report, but came back to give me the good news that the tumor is continuing to get smaller!

Our next MRI was supposed to be in February, but she recently had a baby with neuroblastoma who had a recurrence after a year, so she's been leaning more towards doing an MRI every 4 months instead of every 6.  And since Finn has never been the usual case, she definitely wants to do that with him, so his next MRI will be in December.  This entire year, I've had it in my mind that once Finn made it to a year with a consistent decrease in the tumor size, the chance of recurrence would be tiny, but it turns out that Dr. B doesn't think that risk really drops until age two.

I have a feeling I'm going to be a basket case before the next MRI.

It's tempting now to get bogged down in the worry again.  I had a flash of absolute terror in the waiting room today when I started thinking about what might happen if the scan looked worse today and after 6 months of only minimal worry, it was awful.  For the most part I manage not to worry too much, but this change of plans has shaken me up just a little bit.  (Though it does reassure me that she mentioned this change of plans before she had the MRI results.) It's also tempting to feel sorry for myself and for Finn. Except that we were in an oncologist's office today and saw children that were much sicker than Finn has ever been.  Including once sweet boy with a tracheostomy and a round face suggestive of a lot of steroid treatments, who didn't talk, but came over to Finn and showed him some of the toys, and then showed off his presents he got from the Treasure Chest before he left with his mom.  He was clearly a sick little boy, but also sweet and kind.  And a reminder to me that I can worry all I want, but it's not going to change anything. So just need to enjoy my sweet and kind boy and let tomorrow take care of itself.  Easier said than done, but I'm going to try!

Finn and Bella (Nanny M's dog) yesterday afternoon

Schedules

I never did report on how I did with the walking competition at work - I made both of my goals.  I got in 10,000 steps at least 3 days a week every week for 6 weeks, and I walked enough in that time period to make it to the beach from here (which means I won a prize - a grocery bag with our hospital name on it and a water bottle.  Woohoo.)  I'm pretty proud of myself, especially with how hot it was.  I've not been doing quite as well with the eating healthy part of my goal, but I'm not doing badly, either.  Though I could probably eat less donuts.

My new goal as of today is to be in bed by 11pm every night.  The past few weeks I've been chronically sleep deprived, and I'm sure that's not good for my fertility.

Finn has been intermittently sleep deprived the past few weeks, as well.  We're still walking to put him to sleep every night, but suddenly it's not been working as consistently as it used to.  It took me awhile, but I finally figured out that it's his naps that are causing a problem.

When Finn was an infant, I didn't have him on a schedule, and I told Nanny M to just let him fall into his own natural schedule.  The problem is, she's on the go with him a lot, and so I don't think she always notices his schedule.  And I think that over the past few months he's officially grown out of the ability to fall asleep when there's a lot of outside stimulation, so that's thrown a wrench into things as well.

I've noticed on the days when he doesn't nap until around noon, he usually will nap a full 2 hours and then be fun in the evening and fall asleep relatively quickly at bedtime.  On the days when he gets sleepy around 1030, he'll nap for about 45 minutes and then wake up.  He'll usually then nap again in the very late afternoon and have to be woken up by Nanny M for dinner.  On those nights he's miserable to be around, and yet won't go to sleep.  Sometimes for hours.

Thursday, after a particularly horrible Wednesday night, I asked Nanny M to start keeping him awake until noon.  That made for a great Thursday, but then on Friday, he didn't fall asleep until almost 2 (they were out). Bedtime wasn't awful, but I did have to walk for almost an hour before he finally fell asleep.  After that I asked her to make sure he goes to sleep by 12:30 - and I think I'm going to have to ask her to have him home for his naps.

I like that he's out and active so much during the day, but I'm also thinking that at his age, it's time to start having more structure to his day.  He's a bright kid, and I'd like to start doing things to stimulate his learning, but I'm at a loss as to what's appropriate for his age.  I also want things for Nanny M to do with him, things that hopefully they'll both enjoy.  Right now they're out doing Nanny M's activities (with the occasional trip to the zoo or something like that thrown in), which is great for her, and fine for him when he was younger, but not exactly the learning environment I think he needs to be exposed to now.  I am so glad that I have someone who loves him to take care of him all day, but I know that if he were in daycare, he'd be getting all this stuff already.  Does anyone have any good suggestions for activities, or resources where I can find them?

HSG Report

Finn and I had the best morning today.  It was so nice getting up with plenty of time to cuddle in the bed and be silly and no rush to be anywhere.  Our morning was wonderfully slow and simple - I sang "If You're Happy and You Know It" once and then ended up repeating it another 15 times, with Finn chiming in with the clapping and ear wiggling, but he couldn't quite figure out the feet stomping.  Breakfast was a messy experience with Finn using his spoon to feed himself, and when that wasn't enough, he licked the bowl.  Who knew yogurt could be that good?

Too soon it was time for me to head off for my HSG.  I checked in, changed into a lovely hospital gown and socks for my cold toes, and right on time was walking into the radiology suite.

The wonderful x-ray tech caught me taking a picture of the room, and offered to take a picture of me on the table right before the HSG.

Last time my HSG was awful - he couldn't get the catheter through my cervix, and ended up having to use a balloon catheter to get in through.  This time the only bad part was getting the (ginormous) speculum in place. That was awful.  But once it was in the right spot it wasn't that bad. The catheter went right in, and suddenly I was getting that lovely cramping from the dye.  The screen was right at my eye level, so I got to watch the whole thing.  It was normal - as expected - and much less uncomfortable than last time.

I asked my RE about my FSH, and my thoughts of only trying one IUI before going to IVF, and his response surprised me.  He told me that my FSH wasn't unexpected (true), but the numbers don't tell the whole story, and my history of a successful IUI (twice) with the meds we're planning on using made him think it was still worth trying two IUIs, at least.  To paraphrase him, "with your labs, age and prior history, I don't know that IVF would necessarily increase your chances enough to make it worth not at least trying the easier and cheaper method a few times, first."  He did say that he hadn't seen my AMH results yet, but wasn't sure the results would change his recommendation much at all.

His reasoning makes complete sense, so I think I'm going to go back to our original plan.  Am I crazy?

Hormones Run Amok

Is it too much to ask for nice normal hormones?  (Don't answer that.)

Last month I had my TSH checked as part of my routine labs with my gynecologist.  It came back just a little high, 3.78.  So I had her repeat my TSH along with my free T4 and TPO antibodies.  The repeat TSH was 2.06, with a normal free T4 and negative TPO antibodies.  I had samples of thyroid hormone replacement ready to go, but with negative antibodies, I'm not too worried about the TSH now.

AF showed up again Thursday night, so I went in this morning (CD5, thanks to AFs poor timing) for baseline labs with my RE.  My antral follicle count is about the same as it was the cycle that gave me Finn - 6 now, 5 then.  My FSH has jumped quite a bit, from 11.4 to 16 and estradiol is 20. (for those of you not versed in normal values, these are indicators of fertility; my antral follicle count is low, not good, but the same as it was in the past.  My FSH is too high, also not good and further proof my eggs are elderly.) My AMH is still pending, but it's been low before, so I don't expect that to be any different now, though.

Based on these disappointing results, I'm now planning on just one IUI, and then if that doesn't work, going straight to IVF.  I'm still going ahead with the HSG that we have scheduled for Friday, just to give the IUI the best possible chance of working.  We'd decided to not have me TTC this cycle "just in case" there was something abnormal, but the chance of that happening is low, so of course now I'm wishing I'd decided to go ahead and try this cycle.  I had a conversation with my friend LB today where she decided that right now was the time to tell me that she thought I shouldn't be doing the HSG this cycle, and wondered if I really needed it at all.  Seriously, right now, after I'd already rearranged my schedule and am mentally prepared to get it done .  I completely understand her thought process, but right now I'm just not capable of changing course.  Even if she'd brought it up last week maybe, but now?  I love LB, but sometimes she's a very stressful friend to have, as she just doesn't know when to stop.  And sometimes she tries so hard to make sure I know she only has my best interests at heart that she makes it worse.  

I'd really hoped that already having a baby would make this second round of trying to conceive less emotionally draining, but I can already tell that's not going to be the case.  I'm not even on hormones yet and I'm already feeling emotionally labile.

At least I do have the stabilizing factor of my little boy.  We all had a great time at the splash pad this weekend.  Here are a few of my favorite pictures from the morning.

Love this picture of Finn and D - he's such a good cousin and big brother

any idea what this sign is? 

D soaking Oliver while Finn watches

Finn wandered around singing to himself

Oliver after a snack

Itty Bitty Finn Day

On 8/9/10 - two years ago today - I had the IUI that gave me Finn.

Like a few other SMCs, I would like to celebrate today every year, as it ranks up there with his birthday as one of the most important days of my entire life.  But I'm been at a loss for a good name for today. "Conception day" just doesn't sound right, but I couldn't think of anything else.  One of the women I work with came up with a list of possibilities yesterday:

• Knocked Up Day
• Egg Cracked Day
• Egg Invaded Day
• Alien Landed Day
• Itty Bitty Finn Day
• Finn's Real Birthday
• Oven Turned On Day
• Don't Need No Daddy Day
• Sperm Donor Appreciation Day

Out of all of them, loved Itty Bitty Finn Day the best - it just makes me smile.  And so when the alarm went off this morning, I rolled over to see Finn grinning at me and said, "Happy Itty Bitty Finn Day!"  

And then at lunch today, I walked into the breakroom to find this cake waiting for me:

I love the people I work with!

My amazing and wonderful friend Jennie (one of the friends who came to stay with me after Finn was born) has been here the past week to take care of Finn while Nanny M is on vacation.  When I got home tonight he was freshly bathed and ready to go out to celebrate. (Yes, not only do I have a friend that will fly across the country to help out when my nanny isn't here, she also gives Finn his bath, has him make a picture for me...and makes my bed, and puts away laundry....Jennie rocks, and I'm not just saying that because she's currently sitting on the couch next to me while we watch the Olympics.) We went to a yummy burger joint and kept Finn entertained with the contents of our purses and letting him sit on the table while we waited for food. 

After almost 15 months, you would have thought I'd be able to leave the house with everything he needs.  Seriously.

There's a great splash pad just outside the restaurant - it's really best for older kids, but Finn was interested in checking it out.  Saturday we're meeting my sister and her boys at a splash pad with a section just for younger kids.  Based on his fascination with the water here, I think he's going to love it.

(I really need to get my hair highlighted!)

This past week Finn has gone from a crawler who would occasionally walk, to a walker who will occasionally crawl.  He's not my little baby anymore!

The State of the Finnegan

Life with a 14 month old (almost 15 months!) is never, ever boring.  Since Finn was born, I've been looking forward to him being between the ages of 3-5, those are my favorites ages.  But I never anticipated how much fun this age would be.  He's doing something new every day, and has the best sense of humor.  Today I started laughing while we were driving, and he started laughing too, even though he had no idea what I was laughing at.

While he's suddenly become very attached to me and Nanny M, he's also become incredibly social as long as one of us is holding him, or is nearby.  He's especially social with kids; when we're out, he waves at them all like they're his long lost friends.  He plays shy with adults, but then will suddenly give a huge grin or blow a complete stranger a kiss, and melts hearts everywhere.

He also waves at planes (while covered in dirt)

Blows kisses to birds

Gets kisses from dogs (that's Cletus - Nanny M's dog)

Tries to get dogs attention by signing "dog" whenever one walks by

Asks for cheese at the grocery store - as soon as we walk in the door he's asking for cheese, he knows where they keep the free samples! (He also furiously signs "cheese, cheese please" when we walk down the cheese aisle, or whenever the word cheese is said - it's the Food that Shall Not Be Named in our house)

He currently can say 15 words: hi, bye, mama, kitty, dog, nahnah (Nanny M), cheese, bird, tree, boo! (I think that counts as a word, he loves to say it, and uses it appropriately), more, snack, hat, ball, please.  He knows the signs for a lot of those words, and will usually sign and say the word at the same time, which makes it much easier to understand what he's saying.  He also knows the sign for book, eat, and melon, and we're working on the signs for outside, berry and thank you.

Each day is a new adventure with my little boy - it all passes so fast, I think I'm going to try to do one of these posts every few months, just so I can remember these little snapshots of what life is like right now.

Fertility Massage

Bee in my Garden

I had my first fertility massage tonight, with Tricia (also known as She of the Magic Hands). I wasn't really sure what to expect, but I ended up really liking it, even though it was very different from massages I've had in the past. We talked for about 5-10 minutes before we started. She asked about my headaches, we talked about my chronic hip and low back pain, then talked about my cycles and my fertility plans. Since I'm cycle day 18 today, she wanted to be sure there was no way I might be pregnant before starting. That's one benefit of doing this single, I don't have to worry about an "accidental" pregnancy!

 She started with me on my back, and rubbed castor oil on my stomach, then put a moist heating pack on top of the oil. She then did some cranial sacral holds, followed by some work on my head and neck, then my arms and legs. None if it was the deep tissue massage that I usually get, but the idea is to keep blood flow focused on the reproductive parts instead, so I just enjoyed the relaxation. That's when she went back to my abdomen. My stomach has felt very tender since Finn was born, especially my lower abdomen, so I was worried about how the massage would go, but it ended up really helping relieve a lot of the tenderness. She started off very lightly massaging my entire abdomen, and then worked on my hip bones - "the pelvic rim" and down into the psoas muscles. There were some very sore spots in there, it definitely wasn't comfortable, but I felt some relaxation of a few areas that have probably been in spasm since before Finn was conceived. She finished that up with some more lighter touches before having me turn over --- I'm pretty sure this is where I fell asleep. I hope I didn't snore.

 When I got up I could immediately tell a difference in how my hip and low back feel. And tonight I finally feel like my energy is concentrating in my pelvic area instead of on milk making. I don't have another acupuncture appointment for 5 weeks (I'm on the wait list), but I do have an appointment for another massage in about 3 weeks. I wish I had more free time during the day (and was independently wealthy) because I'd love to have another one of those massages next week.

 

Thank You!

Picture Nanny M texted to me today

I owe a huge thanks to all of you who posted such nice, uplifting messages on my last post. And a huge thank you to all of you who were nice enough to keep your mouths shut, instead of yelling at me to quit my whining (even though I deserved it!) The commiseration responses made me feel so much better for feeling the way I do - and the ones that reminded me that I do have a lot more to do these days than garden gave me permission to not feel so guilty about not having the cutest home on the block. Two comments in particular have really stuck with me, and I've been thinking about them over and over again. Evelyn's comment, "when you finally do move out of that house you'll miss it for all the good memories it'll have." And Abby's comment, "if people could see how full-to-bursting your house is with LOVE, everyone would want to live there!"

Hit me over the head with a hammer - here I am with the VERY THING I have wanted my entire life, and I'm feeling down because my house isn't perfect. I know it's normal to feel this way, but I think I've indulged those feelings long enough, and it's time to move on.

Ever since I moved here, I've had this constant thought, "this house is only temporary." Which is true, but temporary could end up being 3-5 years, easily. So instead of feeling like I have to get everything done right now, or that I won't try to make everything the way I like it since I won't be here long, I'm going to work on gradually finding things that fit this house. Not expensive things (I do have a boy, after all) but things that I like that work here; adding my own touches, as Surly Mama said. MN's suggestion about Craig's List was brilliant, too.  And the fall season of consignment sales is just around the corner!

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 On a completely different note - I'm a pretty firm believer in the power of the mind body connection. Not in the "if you believe it enough, you will get pregnant" sort of way, but more in the way of "every little bit helps". I realized today that for the past 14 months I've concentrated all the positive energy in my body to making milk. And now that it's time to start thinking about my ovaries again, it's hard to do! It's almost a physical act, turning my thoughts towards growing healthy eggs. I've been doing femoral massage every night, I'm listening to Circle + Bloom's precycle meditations, and taking my supplements again which are all helping, but it's still a conscious effort to steer my energy to my reproductive organs.  After over a year of thinking only of growing healthy eggs before I started trying to conceive the first time, it's weird how foreign it feels to me now.