Ouch.

Nanny M got married tonight.  It was a beautiful, simple ceremony at her mom's house, outside in the crisp fall air.  I didn't really know anyone, but Finn knows her immediate family well, and calls NannyM's mom NannyMaw.  Both her family and the groom's family were absolutely lovely, making a point of saying hi, talking to the boys, helping out when I needed it.  If her new husband's family is any indication, she married a good one.

wedding selfie

Weddings are always a little hard for me.  Much like baby showers were until a few years ago, they are a harsh reminder of what I don't have.  The wedding itself passed in a blur of me trying to keep two boys quiet, and then immediately after the wedding, Finn ran and played with the other kids while I held Zachary, made small talk now and then, and ate some food.  I felt alone, but not horribly awkward.

And then the dancing started.  The first song was of course the bride and groom.  I stood there in the dark, watching, and felt those usual wedding thoughts enter my mind.  Why haven't I ever met anyone that loves me enough to want to marry me?  Or that I love enough to want to marry? Am I that unloveable?

And then Finn came running up to me.  "Has the dance party started yet, Mommy?"  "No, Finn, not yet, there are a few dances first that we just watch."  "Let's not watch! Dance with me, Mommy."

So there in the grass, off to the side and in the dark, we danced, my two boys and I.  While they don't fill that desire to find a partner someday, they do very much make my heart full and whole.

If they story ended there, it would be lovely and sweet.  But then it was time to go. At the car, Finn burst into tears.  "I'm sad, I want to stay!"  I handled that fairly well, and he was happy by the time I was buckling him in and he was cheerful the drive home.  I'd considered driving around until he relaxed enough to fall asleep, but decided I was too tired to do that, so we came straight home.

During bedtime routine, the meltdowns started.  He'd calm down from one and another would start.  I could have dealt with the meltdowns if they were just about going back to the wedding.  But these were more.  "I want to go back to NannyMaw's house.  I don't like this house.  I don't want to stay here.  I want to go stay at NannyMaw's."

I know he was exhausted, but this is not the first time he's said he doesn't like this house. That makes me so sad, as I love this house and want him to be happy here and love it, too.  He's three, I'm sure it will come, and it may not even be that he doesn't really like this house.  But on the heels of an event that already makes me emotionally vulnerable, it sure hurts.

Catch Up Photo Dump

How is it November already?

It's been a crazy few weeks; if you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed a lot of travel pictures last week, and so not surprisingly the week or so before that was full of me trying to get way too much done before we left.  I think my new year's resolution for 2015 will be to find a way to work smarter so I don't feel so busy all the time...but that's a subject for another post!

I have lots of thoughts about traveling with kids and about our trip in particular, but I decided I need to get my picture posts out of the way, or I'll never catch up.  So today will be pictures from October 15-November 2 - that's a lot of pictures!  Thanks in advance if you actually take the time to look at all of them (hint: the best pictures are the second half!)

10/15/14: crawling in the backyard

10/16/14: patiently watching me get ready for work

10/17/14: yummy paper!

10/18/14: my boys with my favorite Aunt and Uncle

10/19/14: look who's pulling himself up!

10/20/14: my skeleton boys

10/21/14: he wears this look around his brother a lot

10/22/14: now patiently waiting while big brother gets ready for bed

10/23/14: this was the best picture I could get of the boys in their matching pjs

10/24/14: serving himself some milk

10/25/14: first flight!

10/25/14: hanging out at Aunt Jennie's

10/27/14: just before we left Z with his first babysitter for a night at Disneyland

10/28/14: exploring the empty hotel lobby while everyone else slept

10/29/14: the whole family at Hotel del Coronado

10/30/14: the main attraction in this picture is the peeing elephant behind us

10/31/14: poor baby - the only picture I have of him in his entire Halloween costume

11/1/14: at the beach 

11/2/14: back in his traveling clothes for the flight home

3 years old - #MicroblogMondays

Want to know what #MicroblogMonday is?  Click here.

Random things from my 3 year old this past week that I want to remember:

I was drying my hair when Finn came running into the bathroom, grabbed a bunch of tissues and ran back out.  A few minutes later, I found him in the hallway, working on this piece of artwork.

Sunday morning, Finn locked the bathroom door, and then closed it.  I can't find the tool to unlock it, and haven't had time to get another one.  After 30 minutes of failed attempts to get the door to unlock, I gave up, and told Finn we couldn't brush his teeth last night.  "But then my teeth are going to rot out of my head!"  I still haven't gotten the door opened - so I told Finn we may never be able to use it again.  "We'll tell Zachary there's a whole bathroom on the other side of that door, but he won't believe us."

Yesterday Finn asked me if I was losing my patience.  When I said yes, he said, "Close your mouth, so the rest of it doesn't escape."

He also told me that he's going to go to the store and buy himself a new butt.  "I hope it doesn't poop on my hand when I buy it."

We no longer call minor injuries boo-boos.  We call them "owies" because that's what Sophie calls them.

Sophie was the only girl in Finn's class that I didn't meet at his school picnic last week.  The rest were all vying for his attention, and all wanted to dance with him - except Sophie.  Coincidence that she's the only one I've heard him talk about?  I think not.  (And how funny is it that Finn is the ladies man of the class?)

Finn played a game on my phone a few days ago.  I later found he'd taken 15 pictures of the toilet with his pee in it.

Do-Overs

I've posted a few times about my struggles with some of Finn's behavior, and some of the books I've been using to help guide me.  Over the past few months I've found a few techniques that work really well.  One of Finn's favorites is the "do over."  If something doesn't go quite right, I've found that instead of getting mad, sometimes I can stop and say, "Finn, let's have a do over." And the we repeat the scene, but this time with things going the way they should - usually after talking about how we could have done things better.  It's an easy way to stop a bad behavior by modeling a good behavior and avoiding lecturing or meltdowns.

Tonight Finn wanted to play sword fight after the timer went off that meant it was time to pick out bedtime stories and get in bed.  I was tired, and I got irritated and snapped at him.  I thought we were in for a fight, but Finn stopped and said, "Wait Mommy!  We need a do-over!" And then he went on, "When you say that, you hurt my feelings.  Instead, you should say, 'Finn, the timer went off.  I know you want to play, but it's time for stories,' and then I'll say, 'Oh, I really do want to play.  But the timer went off, ok, I'll pick out my stories.'"

So we had our do-over, and bedtime was smooth and easy. And I got a lesson on not losing my temper.

This week's pictures show a baby on the move!

10/8/14: hanging in the swing

10/9/14: picnic at Finn's preschool

10/10/14: with Nanny M

10/11/14: fell asleep in the swing

10/12/14: is that a remote control on the table?

10/13/14: goofy look on his face

10/14/14: crawling into the bathroom

Slacker

My parents are going to be here for part of this coming weekend - they're making a brief stopover on their way to a week in the mountains.  I've decided to use them to the maximum advantage - I'm going to lock myself in my room and get work done.  Figure out my finances, get the last of my bills automated, get charts done...I'll be exhausted when I'm done, but it will be worth it.  Right now I feel like a slacker in just about every area except loving and parenting my kids.  That I'm working hard at.

Now if only I could figure out a way to get better sleep.  Well, I know the way, and that's to get Zachary to sleep in his own bed and give up on the cosleeping, but he's teething right now, so it's definitely not the right time.  I loved cosleeping with Finn, and I slept so well when he was this age. I love cosleeping with Zachary, too, but he's a lot more restless, and I just don't sleep well.  Once we're over the current round of teething, I think I'm going to start by transitioning him to the pack and play in my room.  At least that's my plan right now.

Speaking of sleep, I desperately need to go to bed, so here's today's pictures.  Tomorrow night my plan is to catch up on blog reading.  I'm very behind and missing reading everyone's updates (like I said, I'm a slacker).

10/1/14: yummy apple

10/2/14: get in my mouth!

10/3/14: definitely not sleepy

10/4/14: family selfie in the backyard

10/5/14: Z's first church service (a friends and family service at a friend's church)

10/6/14: chunky monkey

10/7/14: loving his new car seat!

Mobility

Life in our house has changed a lot over the past few weeks.  Zachary is mobile and I'm amazed at how I'd forgotten how much a baby can get into.  His mobility does have his limits - he can only crawl backwards with any sense of confidence.  He did manage to crawl forward today, but then seemed so surprised that he fell over and hasn't done it again.  Most of the time he does a combination of sliding and rolling if he's trying to move in any direction besides backwards.  It's fun to watch him, but suddenly everything is at risk and I'm finding choking hazards everywhere. (Why are there so many small bits and pieces to all of Finn's toys?)

I love this age so much, but I'm also already missing the days where I could put him down and he'd stay where he was put.

The past few weeks I've made some time to work on some projects at home.  I've hung some pictures, rearranged furniture, and the landscaping in my backyard is finally getting done.  There's a lot more to do, and much of it is going to have to wait as all my money is going into my landscaping, but it feels good to get things done that make the place feel more comfortable and homey.  If only I could find a way to keep it neat.  (Is that even possible with two boys?)

This week's pictures are not my best efforts - but at least I got them!

9/24/14: the family bed

9/25/14: Z spends a lot of time trying to get away from F these days

9/26/14: Z's mornings involve a lot of time on the bathroom floor

9/27/14: walking the river greenway with friends

9/28/14: grocery shopping

9/29/14: blurry pic, but this expression is what I think of when I think of Z

9/30/14: happy boy at bedtime