300

This is my 300th post.  Three hundred.  I looked back on my very first post from May 2010, written right after my miscarriage.  I was heartbroken, but still hopeful.  I could have never imagined what the next 299 posts would hold, or even that I would stick with this blog long enough to get to post #300!  By May 2011, I was finally mom to my beautiful little boy.  By May 2012, I was mom to a one year old cancer survivor.  Hopefully by May 2013 I'll be preparing for the transfer of an embryo created from a donor egg and the donor sperm (from Finn's donor).

I thought I knew what the future had in store for me.  I was wrong.

Aren't we always?

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I had my phone consult with Dr. S at RBA in Atlanta today.  I've decided not to do a DE cycle with my clinic because the wait can be up to a year, there are less donors to choose from, and (since it's a fresh cycle) I'd have to sync my cycle up to someone else's.  RBA has an excellent reputation and uses frozen donor eggs.  That means I can pick a week that works for me, and (as long as my lining cooperates) I can be fairly confident that my transfer will happen during that time.  

My consult today was much sooner than I anticipated, but he had a cancellation right during my lunch break, so I had to take it.  We talked about my past history for a bit, and reviewed the labs and tests I've already had done.  He then told me about the program - how they choose and screen their donors and then how the entire cycle process works.  He cracked me up when he talked about my "drive by embryo transfer."  But it really is just that - my RE's office will be doing all the monitoring, I'll just go to Atlanta in time for a possible Day 3 transfer (though it will likely be a Day 5). 

We talked about meds I'd take to prepare my lining. He told me that they'd had some trouble recently with oral Estrace (turns out about 20% of branded Estrace on the market is actually generic from overseas...which totally explains some of the weird labs I've had with my male to female transgender patients lately) and so they prefer IM or transdermal estrogen.  I've decided to go with IM to save money. But when he gave me the option of IM progesterone vs Crinone?  I went with Crinone, as much as I hate it. I just don't want to do the IM progesterone.  It's worth the goop and the extra cost of Crinone to avoid it.  

We kept getting off tangent, and so I forgot to ask him a couple of questions.  The first was about endometrial scratch biopsies. My RE doesn't do them routinely, his nurse told me they didn't think they were beneficial, but they would do it if Dr. S asked for it.  But, she said, they're incredibly painful, "So if you have a choice, don't do it." Which is not what I've heard elsewhere.  I know the benefit of a scratch biopsy at this point is a matter of opinion, but what most people say is that it's no big deal.  I wonder if that's also a matter of opinion, or if it's because there's an endometrial "scratch" and then there's an endometrial "scratch biopsy" - maybe they are two different procedures? And I forgot to ask.  

So it looks like I have all my precycle screening done except for the psych consult.  As soon as I get that done and get the report to their office, I'll be able to get access to the donor bank, and choose my donor. 

A week ago I was mourning the BFN with my last IUI.  And today I'm talking about choosing an egg donor. 

I wonder what the next 300 posts will bring?

Joyful Anticipation

Since the day I first began to seriously consider trying to have another baby, my heart has been filled with anxiety and trepidation.  I knew it was going to be hard.  I was suspicious I might not be successful.  And I was worried I was going to run out of money before I ran out of options.

Since I made my decision to go forward with donor eggs, my anxiety and trepidation has gone away.  I am filled with excitement and anticipation - and not a little bit of surprise at how hard it was for me to make this decision.  As good as I feel about it now, I can't believe how hard it was to make in the first place.

I am looking forward to being pregnant again.  I am not the best newborn mommy out there, but I think I'll do a better job my second time around, and I'm looking forward to the chance to try.  I am excited to think of nursing another baby, and imagine that I'll nurse well beyond the age of one this time around.  I can't wait to see Finn grow into his role of big brother, and watch the dynamic of our little family change to accomodate a new little person.  One little part of me is a little sad that this baby-to-be won't share my genes, but it almost feels like it's an obligatory sadness that will pass soon, barely noticed.

The one thing that does truly make me sad is that my last 3 IUIs didn't work, and I'm now looking at spending a lot more money to try to complete my family.  It would be so nice to not have to worry about financing baby #2.  It would be nice to pay off my home equity loan.  It would be wonderful to not have to worry quite so much about money at all.  But in the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal.  In 5 years my condo will have sold (I hope) and many of my financial worries will be a thing of the past.  I'll have a 4 year old and almost 7 year old who won't care what house they lived in the first few years of their lives.  I feel incredibly lucky that this is even an option for me - that's what I'm going to try to focus on now.

I talked to my RE's office today and let them know what my plans are.  The nurse, Libby, was incredibly supportive, and told me that they would do whatever labs and tests I need for my new clinic.  It looks as though I have all the requirements already met, except for a sonohysterogram and a psych evaluation, so the prep work should be easy.  I am waiting to hear back from the clinic I'll be using, hopefully I can get a phone consult set up for sometime in the next month.  I'd like to plan to cycle at the end of May, as my work schedule is pretty booked before then.  That gives me 4 months to get in better shape and lose another 10 pounds.  I'm currently 5 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with Finn - if I lose another 10 pounds it will put me back to my preTTC weight.  That would be just about the perfect way to start a pregnancy.


Thank you for all the wonderful, thoughtful and heartfelt comments on my last post.  I am so blessed to have such incredible support.  Thank you.

Singing Fat Lady

There's a lot going on in my brain these days.  So much so that I'm finding it hard to even know where to start.

I guess at the beginning.  When I was trying to conceive Finn, my numbers were not all that great.  My FSH was almost 12, my antral follicle count was low and my AMH was 0.49 (a good number is above 1).  And yet, I got pregnant both times I used the combination of Gonal-F and Femara, the exact same protocol that hasn't worked the 3 times I've tried when trying for Baby #2.  This despite the fact that my FSH has been about the same as it was when I was trying for Finn (though I did have one outlier at 16 right back in August or September) and my antral follicle count has been about the same.

Thursday night I googled statistics for IVF success at my age (41 - will be 42 in June).  They were sobering.  I found, on average, numbers varying between 15-30%.  I already knew those numbers, but I figured I was not the average.  After all, I'd gotten pregnant twice just two years ago, with numbers that were pretty similar to what they are now.  I was sure one of these 3 IUIs was going to work.

Before I started, my RE told me that at my age, my chances were just as good with IUI as with IVF, especially since I had proven success with IUI in the past.  And then when we met again in November, he dazzled me with talk of using growth hormone as an adjuvant therapy when trying IVF, and though he was clear on the statistics, pointing out that the ASRM guidelines allow for transfer of up to 5 (FIVE!) embryos at my age (given the small chance of even one working), I was swayed.  Yes, I said, if my last IUI doesn't work, I'm going to try IVF.

And then my last IUI didn't work.

Suddenly I am faced with the thought of moving to IVF.  The cost is daunting.  I make a nice salary, but I have huge bills thanks to a condo that I can't sell and student loans that will be with me until I'm 60.  I do have the ability to pay for one round of IVF.  It will be a stretch, and it will mean that I won't be able to pay off my home equity loan in the next two years, as I'd planned, but I could pay for one round.  One round of IVF that has - at best - a 30% chance of working.

Yesterday I called my RE, and talked with one of the nurses to start the process for IVF.  While talking to her, I realized I'd never heard the results of my AMH level from last summer.  It was 0.17.  Horrible.  It means my ovarian reserve is tiny.  I might have one good egg left, but it really is just one good egg.

I put that information together with the fact that I haven't gotten pregnant in 3 pretty decent IUI cycles using a protocol that has worked in the past.  And the words from my RE that I probably didn't have much more of a chance with IVF than I did with IUI.  And the fact that I have said repeatedly this past year, "If only adoption weren't so hard. If someone offered me a baby today I'd stop trying to conceive and adopt immediately - though I would really love to be pregnant again, and to nurse a baby again."  And the reality that I have the resources to finance one more try.  Not two.  Just one.

My back up plan has always been donor eggs.  But the reality is that I can't afford my backup plan if I try with my own eggs.  There are no guarantees, but my chances of conceiving are drastically higher with donor eggs than with my own.  And the costs are relatively similar - donor egg is a bit more, but not much.

I now have a choice to make.  I can afford one more try.  Do I gamble all that money on a chance that has very poor odds?  Or do I go with the try that has a much better chance of succeeding?

How important is that biologic connection to me?  I think this would be a very different question, if I didn't have Finn.  But I do have Finn.  He is undeniably my son, and I love him more than anything or anyone on the planet.  I also know my love would be just as deep for my second child, whether that child is biologically mine or not.

But the thought of giving up on my own eggs....it's a hard one to wrap my mind around.  Last night I spoke with my friend Kyrah, who is a psychic (and also does amazing energy healing work), and she did a reading for me.  The message was clear from our reading that I don't have much of a chance with my own eggs, but I do with with donor eggs.  Not what I was hoping to hear, but exactly what I was expecting.

I went to bed but couldn't sleep, my mind wouldn't stop working.  Finally I drifted off to sleep, and woke this morning feeling lighter and more hopeful than I have in months.  It was when I was in the shower that I realized what had changed.

I have decided that what I want more than anything in the world is another child.  I want a sibling for Finn, and another child to share my love with.  I love being a mom more than anything I have ever done, and I want more.  I wish I had started earlier.  I wish I had the money to try one more time with my own eggs and then move to donor eggs if that didn't work. But the reality is that I will never regret moving forward with donor eggs.  I would always regret trying first with my own eggs if it didn't work (as it probably won't) and losing my opportunity to have another child.

When I realized that, I cried.  It's tough, letting go of the dream of how I envisioned my life would be.  But it would be even tougher to never have a second child.  So my plan is to not start birth control pills on Sunday.  I will call the clinic I plan to use for donor eggs on Monday to schedule a phone consultation.  And I will call my RE's office to ask if they will do the monitoring and other things as needed for my cycle there.

I can't quite believe that I've found myself here.  And while there is the chance that I may still change my mind, this feels right.  In my heart of hearts, I feel as though I am making the right decision.

To be completely honest, I considered not posting about this here.  But I started this blog to share what it's really like to be a single mom by choice, and what it's really like to try building a family as an older mom.  Not sharing this part of my journey would feel dishonest.  And it would not be helpful to those out there who are reading this at the start of their path towards single motherhood.

But, having a child with donor eggs is a lot different than with donor sperm.  There are many out there who will always think, "That child really isn't her child." There are people out there who will think of my second child differently than they do my first, if they knew.  And while I will ALWAYS be honest with my children about where they came from, the donor egg story will not be my story to tell to all those around me.

So, if you know me in real life and are reading this here - please do not share this information with others.  Know that I will love any child of mine with all my heart, no matter what the genetics may be.  Please respect my future child's right to his or her own story, and avoid sharing this with others.  I do not plan on sharing this with my parents, or with work, or with my casual friends.  It's not that it's a secret that I am ashamed of, I just don't feel as though this is something that is mine to share.

No Happy Dance Here

There was only one sad line on my HPT this morning.

No AF yet, so I guess there's still hope, but not much.  I have the phone number for the IVF coordinator.  I'll be calling her as soon as AF arrives.

Delurking Rocks!

A huge thank you to everyone who has de-lurked to say hi - I've loved learning a little bit about you all.    Each reply has made me smile - and made the last few days of this two week wait a lot more fun! Try not to be strangers between now and the next International Blog Delurking Day!  :)

It was fun for me to see where some of you found me - I forget sometimes how many different online places I've roamed in this journey.  For those of you who wondered, LJ is Live Journal.  Back in the days before FB, my girlfriends all shared our lives with each other on LJ.  E (aka Evie of the socks I wore for this IUI) set up a link between this blog and LJ when I started posting here more frequently.  They were the first friends I told about my plans to become an SMC, and were such HUGE support during my 2wws and miscarriage.  (My first 2ww, they each took a day and spent the day worrying for me.  It's amazing how many pregnancy symptoms a person can feel when supporting a friend in the 2ww!)

As for this two week wait - tomorrow is the day.  Based on the past two cycles, if I don't get a BFP tomorrow I should see AF instead. Just a few hours from now, I should have the answer. This has been the longest two week wait I've ever had.  But who are we kidding?  I feel that way every single time.  The two week wait just sucks.

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I had acupuncture tonight - my wonderful acupuncturist is back from maternity leave, and I was so happy to see her!  We had a great catch-up session, and then I had the most relaxing acupuncture session in ages.  In the midst of this relaxation I suddenly felt an incredible calm come over me.  I know that I will have another baby.  I'm not sure if it's this cycle, but I know something is going to work.  But I've know that all along, even if I have to do donor eggs, I will have another baby.  My biggest fear with IVF is the cost and what the cost is going to me to my family's future.  In the midst of my acupuncture session, I realized that if I have to do IVF, I will find a way to pay for it.  I may be stuck in this little house longer than I planned, and I probably will be a renter for the rest of my life, but I will find a way.

That's not to say that I'm not going to cry if it's a BFN tomorrow.  But I feel a lot less panic at the thought that I might not get good news tomorrow.

International Blog Delurking Week

According to Mel, this week (January 6-13 is International Blog Delurking Week. That means, if you're a reader but not a commenter, this is YOUR week to say hello!

I know that there are some people who don't have blogs who visit here from time to time, and probably some who visit regularly (I know I followed quite a few bloggers back before I blogged, but never commented on any).  And I see some really interesting places pop up on my site visits counter and I always wonder if those are all people who came here on purpose, or who googled something (like "bra.dley coop.er's abs" which is one of the top searches that leads people to my blog, thanks to a post I wrote over 2 years ago) and found their way here by mistake.

So if you're here on purpose, check in and say hi!  I'm enabling anonymous comments for the entire week to make it easy for you. You can comment on this post, or save your comments for a post later in the week.  If you do post on this particular post, let me know a little about yourself.  It can be anything - your sign, if you have children, if you're single and thinking of having kids - whatever!  I'm nosey, but I'm not picky.  Well, at least when it comes to knowing tidbits about my readers, I'm not.

Potty Time

I was going to blog about how Finn is driving me absolutely crazy this weekend - I think the terrible twos have hit a few months early.  But I decided that would just make me grumpier.  So instead, I'm going to post about Finn's new obsession with the potty.

About a month ago, he was in the tub, and suddenly started saying "Poop! Poop!" I asked him if he had to poop, and he said yes.  I was so surprised that he was telling me he needed to go, that I asked if he wanted to get out of the tub to sit on the potty.  And again, he said yes.  Before then, I hadn't given a thought to potty training yet.  I do always show him his poop in his diaper, and he "helps" me flush it down the toilet, but aside from that, we haven't been doing anything.

He sat on the toilet, me holding on to him, and passed some gas.  He then was done, and went back to the bathtub.  I took that as a sign that it was time to move towards potty training, and got out the potty seat that a forward thinking friend gave me at my shower.  When bathtime was over, I showed him the new potty seat - and he was instantly interested.

I like this seat!

He then asked for me to take off his diaper, and he sat on it again.

Does this seat make my tummy look big?

He peed the first time he sat on it without his diaper, and was so excited when he stood up and saw the pee in the bowl.  He got on and off over and over again, trying to replicate the pee, but he just couldn't do it.  Finally he got tired of sitting there with nothing to do and ran out of the room.  He came back a few seconds later and got comfortable.

He's reading Julie James, "About that Night"

I've left the seat out, and got a couple more for the other bathrooms. He'd ask to sit on them occasionally, until a few nights ago, when bathtime was interrupted by "Poop!" He first wanted to sit on the big potty, so I put him on, and he peed and pooped!  He went back to the tub after that, but when he was done in the tub, he spent another 30 minutes getting on and off his little potty.  He'd squeeze a few drops of pee in the bowl, yell "Yaaay!!!", stand up, dump the pee in the toilet (getting drops of pee everywhere in the process) and sit down on the potty again.

He's done that every night since.  Over and over. It's cute, and I'm glad he's showing an interest, but we've now had to move preparing for bedtime up 45 minutes to make time for this routine.  Mostly it's been pee, but last night there was poop again.

He hasn't done this at all with Nanny M, and hadn't shown any interest in not peeing or pooping in his diaper, either.  Until today when we were driving he started crying in the back seat, saying and signing "Poop!" I asked him if he had to poop and he said yes.  I told him it was ok to poop in his diaper, and he stopped crying.  But he didn't poop.  I wonder if he would have asked to use the potty if we'd been home?

As I wasn't really planning on potty training just yet, I'm not sure where to go from here.  I'd love to offer him the potty multiple times a day, but if each time ends up being 30-45 minutes of off and on the potty, I'd rather change his diapers until he's 3!  

Any suggestions?

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8dpIUI - I'm testing on Thursday, at 12dpIUI.  I haven't the slightest idea if I'm pregnant or not.  

I hate the two week wait.

New Year's Resolutions

Stolen from George Takei

New Year's Eve found me somewhere I haven't been in a long time - at a party. Yesterday afternoon, Finn and I loaded up and headed to my sister's house for a slumber party.  Once the boys were in bed, the grandparents were left to hold down the fort, and the rest of us went to one of the neighbor's house for a lovely New Year's Eve party.  I wasn't too sure how long I would last (especially without alcohol to fuel my need to watch the ball drop) but I made it up until midnight, and then even later when J and I went back home and stayed up late talking about our family.

Morning came way too early, but it was an early that started with my little boy snuggled up close to me.  It wasn't long before he heard his cousins downstairs and demanded that we go down to join them.  It was such a joy to see them all interacting.  Finn is just old enough to play with them, and he worships D, his oldest cousin, so much fun was had by all.  It was noisy, either with laughter or shouts or tears, and occasionally maddening, but still so much fun.

I napped with Finn this afternoon, and as I dozed, I thought about the clean slate of the year ahead.  Over the past few months I've made huge steps towards getting my life ready for baby #2, but I've still got a long ways to go.  I know one of the realities of having another child is going to be that I will feel like my life is out of my control at times, and I'm going to have very little free time to myself.  If I'm going to not just survive it, but also manage to enjoy it, I'm going to have to change a lot.

 I've cleaned out the guest bedroom, and started to imagine what it will look like when it becomes Finn's big boy room.  One of the biggest disappointments about this house is that it doesn't give me as much play room as I'd hoped for Finn (though it is much better than my condo).  This weekend I decided that it was time to embrace the clutter, and accept the fact that my house may not look "pretty" for the next few years, but it will be functional.  I rearranged the living room in a way that gives a lot more space for storage of Finn's bigger toys, and gives more room for play as well.  It's not pretty, but it's comfortable.  I've tried to organize all the toys - they've just been thrown into bins in the past, but starting now I'm making a rule that all the pieces of toys, puzzles and games must be kept together, and I'm going to try to find some sort of organization for all the other toys. They toys will be enjoyed much more if they're organized, and the clutter will have some sense of order to it, as well.

I've also bought myself a magnetic weekly calendar.  Each week I have certain things that must be done - I need to spend a certain amount of time on work stuff, I need to do bills once a week, I'd like to read blogs and perhaps write a blog post a few times a week, and starting later this month I'll need to add in time for studying for boards. And then of course there's things like laundry and other household chores. I'm going to put all these tasks on magnets, and each week put them on different days of the week, and try to stick to it.  I decided on magnets so I can easily rearrange if something happens one night and I end up not getting everything done, or decide to do a blog post on my night that I'm supposed to study. It's going to take some experimenting, but I think it might be something that works well for me.

Finally, I'm going to have to start following a budget more strictly.  I've been lax the past few months, but I can't afford that anymore, especially if I end up needing IVF.  I'm going to go back to making lists for my weekly trips to Target, and not buying anything not on the list (a book here, a cute shirt there - it adds up quick!) I'm going to get back to taking my lunch to work most days, too.  I could easily save $250 a month just by doing those changes right there.  After this 2ww is over, and I know what sort of expenses I'm facing in the year ahead, I'll be sitting down to go over my finances and come up with a much more focused plan.

I've never been one to stick to schedules, or be overly organized, but it's time I changed that.  It turns out that life as a single mom is much easier that way!