Easter Weekend

Easter Bunny's visit

Aunt Heidi came into town this weekend, and Finn and I showed her an amazingly good time.  She cooked us dinner on Saturday, breakfast this morning and then we put her to work at the house.  (We really know how to treat our house guests right.)

We got a lot accomplished this weekend; it's now just another weekend of work away from being a settled home, instead of a freshly moved home.  I am so lucky to have a friend who's idea of a good time is coming to help unpack and organize a home - or at least a friend who is willing to pretend that's her idea of a good time.  It feels great to be able to check off so many things off my to list.

We had an unhappy baby most of the weekend.  Finn and I spent 3 hours at the post office on Friday, waiting in line to get his passport, and I let him crawl around on the floor.  I'm not sure if he got something then, or if he got something elsewhere, but he was not himself at all on Saturday.  He was fussy and irritable, and needed a lot more cuddle time than usual.  He didn't have much interest in eating, either.  He did want to nurse a lot, though.

Over the past month, Finn has gotten to where he doesn't want to nurse during the day when I'm with him, so I had decided that I was going to use this 3 day weekend to my advantage and make last Thursday my last day of pumping at work.  After two days of minimal solid food and lots of nursing from Finn, I'm thinking I might need to push that plan back a little.

Last night Finn woke up in the middle of the night and was burning up.  I didn't take his temperature, I just gave him some Tylenol, then rocked him until he fell back to sleep.  This morning he was still not happy, but seemed like he was feeling better.  But after his nap I could tell he didn't feel well, so I checked his temp - 101.6.  I gave him some Tylenol and he took a little nap and seems better again.  But at bedtime he started to feel hot again - 102.4.  He's not showing any signs of illness other than being a little fussy, so I'm not sure what's going on.  I guess if he's still sick tomorrow, I'll have to take him to the pediatrician, though I'm guessing it's just some virus.  I gave him another dose of Tylenol at bedtime, and he feels nice and cool now.  Poor little man, I hope he feels better tomorrow.

Sitting on our front porch

Despite not feeling well, he did enjoy a visit from the Easter bunny, and we were able to spend some time outside today.  And he managed a few smiles for the camera, too.

Happy Easter!

Surprising Turn of Events

Well, it turns out that my administrators were listening to us after all.  Well, at least a little.  We had a pretty useless meeting on Monday that left me feeling very unhappy, but then, all of a sudden, today was different.  We were asked to give up our Fridays off in an effort to see more patients (we have one Friday off a month to make up for the fact that we have to round at the hospital every 3rd weekend), and we responded, "Sure, if we can stop going to the hospital on the weekend."  And today we found out that they had agreed to that.  I will gladly give up my one Friday off a month in exchange for weekends off!  We also found out that our new schedule of having 20 minutes for patients (instead of 15) was approved as well, effective July 1.  We're still waiting to find out about our new compensation model, but we're told that we should hear something in the next week or so, and that they're trying to make it so we'll see our pay increases.

That doesn't help the fact that I'm still overworked right now.  But least I feel like there's some hope.  And so I have to figure out some way to make it through the next few months, sanity intact.

I've really been neglecting myself - I eat Peeps and Krispy Kreme donuts at work (can you believe I'm a diabetes doctor?)  I rarely exercise.  I have organic fruits and veggies delivered to my house every two weeks, but I let the nanny and Finn eat them all while I have cereal for dinner.  I love to read, and yet I'm still reading the same book that I started back in September (Tina Fey's Bossypants, if you're wondering, and it's fabulous, at least the first half of it is).  I don't get enough sleep.  My taxes are undone, my bills are overdue and I'm way behind at work - I just can't figure out a way to balance it.

So I'm going to start with little things.  I hope that putting it down here makes it more likely that I'll actually stick to it!  I'm going to get back to walking with Finn at least 4 days a week.  This afternoon I strapped him in the Beco carrier (he's graduated to being carried on my back!) and we went for a 40 minute walk after work.  I felt great and he loved it.  I'm going to go back to trying to get 5 servings of fruits and vegetables a day.  And (after tonight) I'm going to go upstairs to bed by 10:30 every night.

I can do all those without causing myself too much stress, right?  These things should help me manage the stress, I think.  And if they don't, there's always my little man to make me smile.

Interview Day

Today was my interview for the medical liaison job.  I lucked out with an interview that started at 1:30, so I was able to fly up this morning, and I'm now at the airport waiting for my flight home - if all goes as planned, I'll be home in time for Finn's last feeding of the night.  I almost started to cry when I left this morning; this is the furthest away from him I've ever been and the longest I've ever been away from him, too.  When the plane took off I was suddenly filled with a fear I've never felt while flying - what if something happens to the plane?  Finn needs me!  I hope this is a normal mom feeling, because I sure felt crazy for a few minutes while I tried not to hyperventilate as we went through some turbulence.

The interview day started off with me giving a 25 minute presentation. That presentation took me HOURS to prepare, and has resulted in me being even further behind at work, but the hard work was worth it, because I did a good job and had my audience interested, and even made them laugh a few times.  The rest of the interview day was great.  The company is amazing, and the benefits are incredible. Way better than what I have now working for a hospital system (one of the women I interviewed with just came back from a 6 month paid maternity leave after her baby was born 6 weeks early).  I loved everyone I met, and learned that I would love - absolutely love - doing this job and working for this company.

But I can't take the job.

It requires somewhere between 6-10 weeks a year of travel out of town for various meetings that last 3-5 days.  I asked if it would be possible to bring the baby and nanny on my own dime, and was told that in the past that was allowed, but it's now against company policy.  It's possible that I could make that work with just Finn, because the weeks that I'm not traveling would have flexible hours, so I could be with him a lot more than I am now.  But I could never have a second baby if I took this job.

By the second to last interview, I was pretty sure this was not going to work.  (For the record, I had asked friends that do the same job in different territories about the travel and they had led me to believe that it would be much less than this.)  The last interview was with the woman who would have been my boss's boss, so I decided to be completely open and candid with her, because if I had misunderstood things, she would be the one who could clarify things for me.

It turns out, she had considered being a SMC about 5-10 years ago through adoption, but had decided against it.  And she has a friend who does a similar job who is an SMC.  So she was uniquely qualified to help me think things through.  In the end she told me that she thought I was a great fit for the job, but if they offer me the job and I decide I have to decline, that they would understand and there would be no hard feelings.  Then she told me, "I'm a firm believer that once you make a decision, you stick with it and you don't look back.  You make the best choice you can at the time, and never second guess yourself once you've made it."

We (my partners and I) have a meeting with administration next Monday.  I'm very hopeful they will offer us something we can live with, but I'm not holding my breath.  Our email to them that I mentioned a few weeks ago - the one where we said, "Thanks for your response, given our current situation, we will have to look elsewhere" got a response that scolded us for only trying to get "what's in it for me, instead of looking at what is good for the organization as a whole, so if you want to leave, please do."

There's a one physician endocrine practice about 2 minutes from my new home, so I've also reached out to them to see if they're looking to hire.  Hopefully it will all work out in the end - it has to, I can't continue with the ways things are now.

My flight is boarding - just a few hours until I see my baby again!

The Shower and the Single Mom

One of my biggest worries when starting back to work after Finn was born was how I was going to manage getting ready for work every morning, in particular, how I was going to be able to shower.  It turned out to be amazingly easy.  He woke up when I woke up, and every morning he was happy to sit in his bouncy chair and play for 5-10 minutes while I showered.  I missed my long, leisurely showers, but I was able to get clean and Finn stayed happy.  After my shower, we had a little cuddle time, then I changed his clothes and fed the cats before he moved to an activity mat while I dried my hair.  It was a nice, easy routine.

In his bouncy seat in September

A few months ago, he started to get bored with sitting in the bouncy seat and slid right out while I was in the shower.  It surprised him (and me!) a few times, but he never got hurt.  He did decide, however, that he was done with sitting in the seat, and wanted to play on the floor.  We ended up with a big collection of toys in buckets in the bathroom that would always end up spread all over the floor by the end of the morning.  Messy, but still we were both happy.

And then, this morning, I was massaging shampoo in my hair when I looked through the shower door to see Finn's feet disappear through the doorway.  He's been crawling for a week, but today, for the first time, he crawled right out of the bathroom.  I rinsed my hair as quickly as I could, and jumped out of the shower.  I found him just outside the door, holding an open bottle of Zantac, one pill in his mouth.  Two minutes and he manages to find his way into an unpacked box and into a bottle of pills.

My life is never going to be the same again, is it?

St. Patrick's Day

You might have suspected I'd have a shirt for Finn to wear for St. Patrick's Day.  One or two of you might even be surprised that I managed to avoid dressing him up as a leprechaun.  I'm actually pretty amazed that I only bought him one shirt!

Look at the rolls on his thighs!

Five years ago on St. Patrick's Day my nephew D was born.  I really can't believe that it's been 5 years already, but he is, and he's turned into such a great little boy.  We had a family party yesterday, and today was the big party at the fire station.  It was so much fun, complete with pizza, cake and a tour of the fire house.  The kids got to climb all over a fire truck and ambulance, and one of the guys suited up in full gear, while the kids watched.  They made a big point of wanting the kids to see what he looked like before, during and after getting suited up, so if they were unlucky enough to be in a fire one day, they'd recognize that the fire fighter was a good guy coming to help them.

D behind the wheel of the fire truck

Notice the themed shirt for the party

Watching the fire fighter

I love the reflection in the hubcap on this shot

Joy

Thank you all for the great comments after my last post earlier. I'm going with the overwhelming consensus and exploring my options, and not making any decisions right now.

This past week has been horrible at work, but home has been great.  My parents are here, and have been an amazing help with getting unpacked and putting all my new Ikea furniture together.  My new house is still a mess, but the vast majority of the boxes are unpacked, so it's just a matter of getting things put away.

Finn is so much fun - he is full of smiles and giggles and just a joy to be around.  When I come home from work, he squeals and jumps and greets me with huge open mouth kisses.  He loves to blow kisses to anyone who asks for it - he's more consistent with that than he is with waving.  Right when we moved, Finn learned how to sit up from a lying position, and even after two weeks he always gives me a huge grin when he does it.  He's finally crawling, though not consistently; most often he just scoots from one place to the next.  He's in to everything, and interested in everyone and everything around him.

If I laugh, he laughs.  I give him the comb after I comb his hair, and he tries to comb his hair, too.  I put hand sanitizer on, he rubs his hands together like he's putting hand sanitizer on his hands.  When music comes on, his little body starts to dance, and his whole face lights up when songs he especially likes come on (right now he's loving Adele and "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious").

He loves his raspberry teether

One little curl on the back of his head

His newest funny face

Years ago, when I imagined being a mom, this is what I dreamed of.  Funny face and all.

Crossroads

Practicing medicine isn't what it used to be.  There are so many reasons why, and not a single one has anything to do with the recent health care laws that were passed.  It's a changing world, and there are now so many rules, regulations, "quality" measures and documentation that have to be done in an attempt to improve patient care, it's hard to actually provide good care.

The one good thing about all this for me was that I felt like the administrators who ran my practice at least cared about the physicians who worked for them.  Then, about 2 years ago, the system that owns my practice underwent some major leadership changes.  And things started to change, to the point we're at now where I posted not too long ago about how miserable I am at work.

A month ago my partners and I met with the VP in charge of physician practices and told him how miserable we were.  He promised to get back to us within a week with some changes, and then we heard nothing at all from him.  Two weeks later, I find out that a drug company I love (with great products in the pipeline) is hiring a physician to be a medical liaison.  The job would have me going to visit other doctors and talking to them about diabetes and the medications this company sells or would be selling.  Basically a glorified drug rep, but with less restrictions.  I would have to travel some, but the territory would be small enough that I would only have to do overnight stays for meetings and conferences, about 6 times a year.

The salary is a little less than I make now, but it would have great benefits, including maternity leave, and (I think) fertility coverage, a car and twice the days off/vacation time that I have now.  But I wouldn't be able to see patients anymore.

I love seeing patients.  It's what makes me happy.  I hate the rest of the stuff that goes along with it these days, and I hate my current practice administrators, but I love seeing patients.  I'm not sure if I could be happy giving up patient care. In fact, the thought of leaving to go work for a drug company makes me feel a little nauseated.  But the benefits of leaving...

I have no idea what to do.  I have a second phone interview next Tuesday, and if that goes well, I'm supposed to fly to the company's US headquarters on 3/28 for an in person interview.  A part of me wants to go forward with things, but another part of me wants to cancel the interview next week.

Since I first heard about the job, I've been completely open with my work about my interviews, about the benefits and the fact that I don't want to leave.  But it's now a month after our meeting with the VP, and our follow up email to him today got some stupid little response that didn't really tell us anything, except that the current administration really doesn't care about keeping their physicians happy.  Or even about keeping their physicians.

Despite all the loyalty I feel for my patients (I really do love them, even the ones who are a pain in the ass), it seems like I have no choice but to leave.  We cc'd the CEO of the hospital on the emails, so our response of "Thank you for your response, we will continue pursuing other opportunities" may get a different reaction tomorrow.  But in the meantime, I guess I'll be continuing my interviews.  And I emailed a practice about 7 minutes from the condo I just moved from, and asked them if they're still looking to hire a endocrinologist.

Can't I just have something be simple and easy for just a little while?

All Moved In

With boxes before the move

I had big plans to catch up on everyone's blogs tonight.  I made it through about two days worth, I think, and even then couldn't comment on everything. Miss one week and I feel like I've lost months and months of people's stories!

Our move went incredibly well.  The only bad things about the move were the packers accidentally packed the cat food and the clothes I'd set aside for work on Friday (so I wore dirty clothes to work - the horrors!)  I didn't realize that my new house has gas heat, and so I didn't call the gas company to start service.  And Sunday night was one of the coldest nights of the year.  But the gas is now on (and it was over 70 degrees today), I've worn clean clothes to work every day this week, and I finally have internet service again!

Finn mesmerized by the new dryer

I'm also surrounded by boxes.  Nanny M has helped with the unpacking, but there's still hours and hours worth of boxes to go through.  I probably should have gone used the time before packing to go through my belongings and get rid of the things I don't need anymore, but since I first emailed my relator about moving on January 16th and moved 6 weeks later, I guess I just didn't have the time!  Despite the chaos around me, I love being in a house.  I love being able to sing to Finn at the top of my lungs and not have to worry about the neighbors hearing.  I love pulling into the driveway and seeing Finn's face smiling at me from the kitchen.  I love the birds outside my window in the morning and the bright sunny open space inside the house.  Even though work is more miserable than ever (more about that in another post), I still drive to work with a smile on my face because being in a house feels so right.

This is Vagus' favorite place to sleep

I love to travel, but I'm also a homebody.  I never realized before this week how much my outlook on life is shaped by the home I live in.  I loved my condo - it was the first place I've lived in ages that felt like home.  But it didn't feel right with Finn.  This house isn't my dream house by any means.  But it's the perfect house for us right now.  And that makes me very happy.

It usually makes Finn happy, too, but not right this second