Halloween!

We didn't do anything for Halloween.  We didn't go anywhere, or see anyone, and we had no trick or treaters.  But that didn't keep me from dressing up Finn.  In fact, I think I might have gotten a little carried away with Finn's Halloween outfits!  But, in my defense, none of them were expensive.

Super cute onesie - $5 (at Target)

Puss n Boots - $3 (at consignment sale)

Lion - free (from a friend)

Kisses - Priceless (from Finn)

Happy Halloween!

The Eye Doctor and the Vet

Finn had a follow-up with the ophthalmologist on Friday.  She's pretty sure Finn's Horner's syndrome won't go away.  And she confirmed that it involves the bottom eye lid, too.  But if that's the worst thing that comes out of this whole nightmare, I'm okay with that.  I'm more than okay with that!  Besides, if it bothers him when he's older, he can always get plastic surgery to fix the eye droop.  I'm hoping he'll like the two different eye colors.  Though it looks to me like his right eye is changing just a little; in a few months the difference might not be as dramatic as it seems now.

Two weeks ago, I took Vagus to the vet to get his claw removed from the pad of his foot, and while he was there, the vet found a new heart murmur.  His paw is fully healed now, but, based on last week's echocardiogram, he has mild heart failure.  And based on his blood and urine tests, he has early kidney failure, too.  He's 16 years old, so it's not a shocker, but it does make me sad.  For now he's on a tiny dose of a blood pressure medication, and he has to go back in 6 months for an echocardiogram.  Serial MRIs for Finn and serial echocardiograms for Vagus.  Healthcare around here is a lot more complicated (and expensive) than I ever anticipated!

Vagus

Consult with the RE

Future Blackmail Picture

In August I called my RE, Dr. M, for an appointment to discuss TTC #2, but then Finn had his first MRI and I forgot all about it.  Until this week, when I realized that my appointment was today.  It was weird, going into that office and not feeling a sense of anxiety or worry.  I'm sure that I'll feel different the next time I go, but today was just to come up with a plan (I'm a planner), so I'd know where we stand, and so there were no nerves at all.

We first talked about baseline testing, and he recommended that we repeat the HSG.  He didn't insist upon it, but said that sometimes weird things happen with c-sections (he's seen more than one case where a fallopian tube was twisted up away from the uterus) and that while it's unlikely, it makes sense to go ahead and get it checked just to be safe.  That makes sense to me, so I agreed with that.  Because of stupid laws and regulations, I have to get all my infectious disease testing done again (they won't take my word for it when I say there's no way I could have contracted syphilis, hep C or HIV in the past year).  We discussed IVF, but he thinks it's reasonable to try at least a couple of IUIs using the same protocol that got me pregnant with Finn.  I have two vials of Finn's donor's sperm in storage at the RE's office, so that sounds ok to me.  I'm going to order a few more vials and have the cryobank keep those, so if I don't need them I can sell them back, but I won't have the possibility of running out of vials influencing any decisions I might have to make.

The plan is to do the HSG my first period after I've weaned Finn, along with a TSH and an AMH, and then with the next cycle after that we'll get Day 3 labs and go from there.  I'm thinking that I'd like to try 2-3 IUIs before going on to IVF if my labs and antral follicle counts look ok, but if they're not so great, I may go straight to IVF if IUI #1 doesn't work.  Though Dr. M said I shouldn't worry about that, "I fully expect you to get pregnant on the first try.  I'll hold the threat of IVF over you to scare your body into getting pregnant."  If only it were that easy!

Dr. M thinks I should start TTC after the holidays (!!!!) but I'm not sure I'm ready to try quite that soon.  I'd really like to breastfeed Finn for a full year, especially since his immune system is doing such a great job killing off his neuroblastoma, and - while I realize I'm not getting any younger - I'm not sure if starting in January vs starting in May will make that big of a difference.  We talked about TTC while still breastfeeding, but Dr. M thinks that prolactin from breastfeeding may keep Femara from being effective at stimulating follicle growth.

Of course, there's always the chance that Finn might wean himself before then - both of my sister's boys did - and if that happens, then I might move the calendar up some.   He's such a boob boy, though, I don't see that happening!

It's hard to imagine having another.  The thought is a little scary, but I know it's the right thing for me and Finn.  This time last year I was pregnant.  It's crazy to think that there's a chance that this time next year I could be pregnant again.

Finding Normal

Showing off his battle scars

I woke up at 3am Friday morning, full of the dread that usually hits me in the middle of the night.  Dread and worry for Finn.  Then I realized - his tumor is shrinking.  And the relief I felt then was pretty similar to what I felt when Dr. B told me the news the first time.  Every second of every day since August 12 has been overshadowed by cancer - it was like there was this big, huge, suffocating blanket wrapped around me, muffling the outside world and taking the color out of everything, making it all grey.  I smiled, I laughed, I had fun with Finn, but it was never without the thought of what his cancer was doing.  My house was a mess.  I ate fast food almost every day because the thought of cooking was too much to even consider.  It was hard to find the energy to email friends, or to comment on blogs, and just about impossible for me to call people, even good friends, who'd called to offer their support.  And when I did talk on the phone I'm sure I was a horrible conversationalist.  At times I just couldn't get the words out - I just didn't have the energy.

I'm pretty sure most people understand, though there are a few friends who never called, or called me once and haven't reached out since, friends I would have thought would have made more of an effort.  But I'm sure that some didn't want to be a bother, and others didn't realize that I wasn't calling them back because I didn't want to hear from them, but rather because I just didn't have it in me to call them back.  And I'm sure that one or two didn't call just because they didn't know what to say.  We've all probably been there before.

Now the suffocating blanket has been lifted.  There is color back in the world, and while I still worry, it's not the all encompassing fear that consumed me before the results from his latest MRI.  I can breathe again.  This weekend I cleaned house.  I put away the boxes that had been sitting on the dining room table - boxes I was keeping for Finn's stuff if we had to go back to the hospital.  I transferred outgrown clothes to storage bins, paid bills and sorted through piles of unread mail.  My house is still messy, but it's now manageable.

This week I'm hoping to catch up on my emails (which sadly might take me more than a week to get caught up on - I've gotten some wonderful emails over the past few months!), post more on my favorite discussion board and get all the way caught up on my blog commenting (I've been reading, but not commenting).  I might even make a list of post ideas that have popped into my head the past few months.

By the time November gets here, it's possible I'll finally start to feel like the normal mom of a healthy 5 month old.

Wonderful News!

We just got home from our post-MRI appointment with the pediatric oncologist, and the news is good!  I was hoping to at least see the tumor was stable, but instead the MRI showed that it has shrunk - a LOT.  At the last MRI (after surgery) the tumor measured 2.4 x 2.3 x 1.4 cm, and today it measures 2.2 x 1.1 x 0.6 cm, a decrease in volume of 80%!  Words cannot describe the sense of relief I felt when the oncologist told me the good news.  Every second of every day, even when I wasn't thinking about, I was still thinking about it.

Finn did so well with anesthesia - when I went back to get him in recovery he was sitting up, flirting with the nurses, and now he's happily playing next to me on the floor.  And I'm taking a deep breath for the first time in 2 months.

The plan is to repeat his MRI in 3 months, and we'll probably continue to do regular MRIs for a while, along with abdominal ultrasounds and urine tests, just to be sure we're not missing anything.  But we can handle that.  After all Finn has already been through, another MRI is easy.

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers, and for the words of support via comments and emails.  I don't know how I would have made it through the past few months without you all.

Rambling Post

At the pumpkin patch

It wasn't Finn's cancer diagnosis that made me wish I was doing this with a partner - it's trying to deal with the continued craziness that several unexpected weeks away from work has left me that has me wishing I had a partner.  I could really use just about 5 hours of uninterrupted time for paperwork - that would make my work life so much easier right now.  Just 5 hours.  But it's not going to happen - unless I'm willing to pay my nanny to help me out, and since I had to pay her extra tonight for an unplanned late night at work, and possibly for this weekend while I'm making rounds at the hospital, that's really not going to happen. If I'm going to pay her for extra time watching Finn, it's going to be for me to do something like getting a massage or going to a movie.  I'm going to have to adjust to the idea that work will sometimes just have to wait.

The run of the mill, day to day life as a single parent is hard, too.  I remember thinking about things like dinner meetings and late days at the office before Finn was born and wondering how'd I'd do it.  I knew it would end up being expensive, but I never thought about how much coordination would be involved, or how much I'd miss him when I was away.  I still haven't gotten used to the idea that I have to always think about someone else now when I make any plans, and that I will have to continue to do so for many years to come.  It would be nice to have someone else that I could count on to share that burden.

But then someone who is married says to me, "I just don't know how you do it, I can't imagine parenting alone, it's so hard," and I realize, it's all about what you know.  Yes, it's hard being a single mom.  But being a married mom is hard, too.  I'm really not sure I'd feel like things were any easier if I had a husband doing this along with me, because I wouldn't know anything else. And no matter what, the rewards make it all worthwhile.  There is nothing in the world like coming home and having that little face light up when I walk in the room.  Every time I cuddle with my boy, I realize I am truly blessed.

And I am lucky enough to have my sister and her family close by to share things with.  I love that the cousins will grow up playing together and knowing each other well.  D, the oldest, has plans of thing he's going to teach Oliver and Finn, and loves playing the big brother/cousin role.  This weekend we went to a local farm for the afternoon; it was a beautiful warm fall day and we so much fun.  At one point, we all got drinks and snacks and went over to a secluded picnic table to eat, and when we sat down I realized Finn was hungry.  I asked Finn if he wanted to eat, and D responded for him:  "Everyone is going to see your boobie!" There's nothing like a 4 year old boy.  Except maybe a 40 year old boy.

Three boys in one shot - I gave up trying to get them to all look at me! 

Finn

Finn's next MRI is this Thursday morning.  We have his MRI at 7, then an ultrasound of his abdomen at the oncology office followed by an appointment with the oncologist.  I'm a jumble of crazy emotions right now - hopeful, scared, sad, anxious - I can't wait until Thursday is over.  

Naps and Schedules

Cute consequence of no nap schedule

Finn is halfway on a schedule - the schedule that revolves around my work schedule.  He still does most of his eating once I get home, so he's usually hungry as soon as I walk through the door.  He eats again around 8pm, and usually falls asleep while eating, and then he wakes up again sometime between 10-11 to eat, and that's usually when I go to bed.  He wakes up around 7 every morning (though I can occasionally convince him to go back to sleep, like I did this morning), and his first nap of the day is about 2 hours later.

The rest of the day? One big guessing game.  We generally know when he's tired, but there's no rhyme or reason to when, and sometimes (like the picture from Nanny M illustrates) he just conks out with no warning at all.  Which makes it hard to plan things on the weekend.  I've always said I don't want to let having a child keep me from doing things I want to do, but I'm also aware that, at this age, I need to schedule my day and activities around him.  But if he doesn't have a regular schedule, how do I do that?

Which leads me to right now, blogging when I should be on my way to dinner with some local SMCs because Finn is sound asleep in my lap. Since his other two naps today were each only 30 minutes, I hate to wake him up, and he won't stay asleep once I put him in his car seat.  Part of me wants to go ahead and wake him up and go anyway.  He almost always wakes up cheerful, even when his nap is interrupted - and I'm really hungry and don't want to cook dinner!  But, there have been a few other days the past few weeks where he hasn't napped much, and those days led to nights of poor sleep, and I have too much going on next week to start the week out tired.  Which means I'm not moving until he wakes up.

As I sit here (hungry) I wonder if I should get Nanny M to work on getting him on more of a schedule.  I don't really see any cues from him during the day that he wants to be more regimented, but it would be easier for me.  Any suggestions?  Maybe once he starts solid food, and there's another "event" during the day to anchor his day, he'll just naturally fall into a nap schedule.

I'm ending this post with my new favorite video, taken last night:

Flying with Finn

Heidi, Anabel, Finn and Mindy

Finn and I traveled to Connecticut this weekend for the wedding of our friends Mindy and Josh.  It was Finn's first flight, and we lucked out with a first class upgrade on the way up there.  The flight was wonderful, especially since the (male) gay couple in front of us had their 8 month old twins with them too (can you imagine the dismay the other passengers felt when they saw there were three babies in front?)  All three babies were absolutely wonderful; at one point all three babies were laughing as they were being bounced on various laps, causing the man next to me to comment, "It's like a US Airways commercial in here!"

In preparation for the weekend I spent hours researching flying with babies on the internet, and the best resource I out there is a post I read earlier this year on Natalie's blog - if you have any plans to ever fly with a baby you must read it, and then do every single thing she says.  The one thing I didn't do was check my Sit n Stroll at the ticket counter; a friend lent it to me, and I didn't want to mess it up, so I took it through security and checked it at the gate.  My left forearm is covered in bruises from all the times I had to pull the wheels in and then push them back out again, and dealing with it (even though I practiced multiple times with Finn in the seat) was the worst part of traveling.  For our next trip I'm investing in a car seat cover so I can send it on through with my suitcase and not deal with the hassle of the stupid thing.

Friday night was Margarita Friday at Mindy and Josh's, and the house was full of their family and friends.  For the rest of the night (and again on Sunday when they had brunch at their house) the only time I held Finn was when he was ready to eat.  He is officially over his separation anxiety, because it didn't bother him one bit to have so many different people holding him over the course of the weekend.

The night of the wedding I made an huge rookie mistake.  I had debated taking my breast pump with me to pump during the day on Saturday and Sunday.  Finn eats so much more at night than he does during the day, and I typically pump about 10 more ounces a day than he eats, so I tend to get a little full on the weekends.  But it's not awful, so I decided it wasn't worth the effort of taking the pump with me.  What didn't occur to me was the fact that I'd be at the wedding during Finn's prime feeding time. Like I said, rookie mistake. We left for the wedding a little after 5, and Finn snacked just a little before we left.  By the time dinner was over, my boobs were so engorged I thought they might explode right there at the table.  I ended up going to the men's bathroom (the line for the women's was too long) and expressing milk into the sink, all the while imagining what I'd say if the lock failed and a man walked in and found me hanging over the sink, boob in hand.

Luckily I was uninterrupted, and was then able to enjoy a few hours of socializing and dancing before misery hit again.  By this point I was also feeling anxious about leaving Finn with a new babysitter for so long, and then wondering how I'd turned into one of "those moms" who didn't want to leave her kid for more than a few hours.  I seriously never thought that would be me.  I couldn't bare the thought of going back to the bathroom to express more milk, and by that point dancing was pretty uncomfortable, so the last bit of what was a really fun wedding wasn't quite so fun.  But then I got distracted by helping to clean up a little, and then finally it was time to head back to the hotel, where I'd discovered that I'd soaked through my breast pads and my bra (thank goodness I was wearing black so it didn't show!) and realized I'd made rookie mistake #2 and only brought one bra.  What was I thinking?

Despite the mammary mishap, the whole weekend was so fun.  We haven't seen Heidi since Finn was 5 or 6 weeks old, so not only was it wonderful to see her, it was also nice to not be single mom for the weekend, since she was such a big help with Finn.  I had the longest shower I've had in months, and not once did I have to pee while holding a baby.

Strangely enough, the travel this weekend also made everything seem more normal again.  Weird that leaving home for a few days would make me feel more myself, but by the end of the weekend, that's exactly what happened.  And that's a very good thing.