The Plan

Thank you for all the wonderful, thoughtful and informative responses to my post yesterday.  I woke up this morning about 5am and had a mini-breakdown – and then I read the responses on my blog and was able to get myself back together and go back to sleep for another hour or two.  Anxiety and hormones are a bad combination – I’m so glad I can turn to all of you for support!

When I woke up again, this time to get ready for my OB appointment, I was thrilled to see a little pink spotting on the toilet tissue.  And then I had to laugh – the very thing that would have sent me into a tailspin 30 or so weeks ago made me very happy this morning.  Crazy.

Heidi (who has been so amazing to give up her life for the past two weeks and spend them with me instead of her cozy NYC apartment) and I drove to my appointment, and first went in for the ultrasound.  He passed the biophysical profile with flying colors, but, since he’s running out of room, we couldn’t really get any good pictures.  His cheeks were about all we could get a good view of, and they are HUGE!  So is he – he’s measuring 8lbs14oz!  The measurement could be off by a pound or so either way, of course – let’s hope it’s an overestimate. 

The good news is that there is a least a little action going on with my cervix.  I was dilated to a whopping one centimeter, and while he’s not fully engaged, he’s definitely down more than he was last week, and my OB is pretty confident that he’ll be able to continue to move down (which is something she wasn’t so sure of last week). I did ask her about an elective c-section, but she said based on the state of my cervix, she would recommend we try for a vaginal delivery.  Having her say that is such a huge relief.

She gave me two options – Cervadil to ripen the cervix, which means that I’d get admitted tonight and put on the fetal monitor, or using a foley catheter (the catheter that is usually put in the bladder to drain it) to ripen the cervix and staying at home tonight.  Of course, I chose the foley.  I’d never heard of this before, but basically what they do is insert a foley into the cervix, and then inflate the bulb in the cervix to manually dilate it.  It was actually a LOT less painful that I thought it would be, just some cramping when she got to the end of inflating the bulb.  I’ve now got a lovely rubber catheter hanging out of my hoo-hoo – it’s awesome.

I’ve had quite a few irregular but very painful contractions since she inserted the foley – which has me hopeful that I won’t need the induction in the morning because this will be enough to really get things going.  I had an acupucture session this afternoon that was just lovely and am now sitting on my bouncy ball to further help things along. 

And, while I was writing this, I had a liquid that is definitely not urine come out of my vajayjay.  It’s either the fluid in the bulb, or my water just broke! 

41 Weeks

As Kristina pointed out, Chiquitito has disappeared from my ticker, but he's still hanging out in my uterus!  I think that when even your ticker shows that the baby has been delivered, it's really time for Chiquitito to get with the program and come out already!

I have an OB appointment tomorrow, and we're going to talk induction.  But here's my concern - as of my appointment on Thursday, he wasn't even engaged in the pelvis, which means that the chance of induction failure is high.  I feel like my belly looks lower, and things down there feel different, but I can't say for sure that he's actually engaged at this point.  And if he's not engaged now, at 41 weeks, I really wonder if he's ever going to get there, and I wonder if it's wise to even consider induction when my risk of an emergency c-section is so incredibly high.

So my plan for tomorrow's appointment is to find out what my cervix is doing, and where Chiquitito is in there.  And if he's still not engaged, I'm going to have a serious conversation with my OB about skipping the whole induction thing and going straight to c-section.  I don't want to be induced.  I don't want a c-section.  I *really* want a normal, natural, healthy delivery.  But more than anything, I want a healthy baby in my arms.  And if that means scrapping my dreams of a natural childbirth, then that's what I'll have to do.

In the meantime, we can add the following things to the list of What Doesn't Induce Labor:

• Thai food
• good movies like Zombieland
• cheesy movies like Iron Eagle
• yoga
• spending an hour and a half at the DMV - half of which was spent waiting in line

Mother's Day

Last year on this day, I was just over 7 weeks pregnant for the first time, and less than two weeks away from learning that I’d had a miscarriage. When I calculated my due date for this pregnancy, I never imagined that I’d end up being pregnant two Mother’s Days in a row. I know that first babies are usually late, but I was really expecting that the facts that I’ll be 40 in less than a month and older women tend to deliver early would balance that out a bit. On top of being uncomfortable, the pregnancy anxiety is starting to get to me – I really hope Chiquitito decides to come before I end up a nervous wreck.

Wishing everyone out there who is already a mom a very happy Mother’s Day! And for those of you still healing from a loss (do we ever fully heal?) or still trying to conceive: I wish for you a Mother’s Day in 2012 very different from today, one that you’re finally spending with your baby in your arms.

Meditations and Red Wine

Today I’m going to post good and happy stuff, starting with good things about still being pregnant.  First, since I’ve been off work, all my swelling has gone away.  Even with being on my feet all day long today, not a bit of swelling at all.  Second, I had a glass of red wine tonight!  It was my first glass since July and it was wonderful.  I guess my heartburn is finally getting better like it’s supposed to in the third trimester, because it’s the first time I didn’t get queasy at just a sip.  Third, Heidi's sister Heather sent me a huge batch of her world famous chocolate chip cookies.  And let me tell you, they live up to the hype! Fourth - I just watched Hugh Jackman run naked through a field.  Nothing to do with pregnancy, but it did make me happy, even if the movie isn’t really all that good.

Next, I’ve been meaning to do a few brief reviews of the pregnancy meditations I’ve relied on to help me through the anxiety of the first trimester and the insomnia of the third trimester, and now seems like the perfect time to finally do it. 

Circle and Bloom:  The meditations are divided up into trimesters, and while they’re a bit long, the relaxation part at the beginning is fantastic to fall asleep to at night.  In fact, I can’t really even say for sure what the second half of each of the three meditations really cover, because I’m usually asleep by then. 

Guided Meditations by Michelle Roberton-Jones: these are all short, but I only have really found myself ever listening to the “Dedicated Time for Two.”  It focuses first on relaxation, then on baby, and I like that.  The “Baby’s Song” is a little too weird for me, focusing on trying to hear your baby talk to you, and “The Breath” and “Release” don’t focus on pregnancy at all.  “A Perfect Night” doesn’t, either, and most of it is music and not guided meditation.  It has helped me fall asleep, but I'm not sure it's worth buying the whole album for.  If you’re looking for something short to help you relax at night, “Dedicated Time for Two” is more than worth the $0.99.

Anji Online Pregnancy after IF:  I only bought the first trimester series, and I listened to these fairly religiously.  There was a new meditation to listen to every few weeks, and was very comforting when I was so stressed out at the beginning of this pregnancy.

Health Journeys:  I LOVE this one.  There are two guided meditation tracks, one that seems to be best suited for the first trimester, and the second that is designed specifically to be listened to in the last weeks of pregnancy.  Both of them focus on imagining your support system around you – and for some people that might be a bit much, because it’s not just your actual support system, but also ancestors “leaning over and whispering this child’s name” and guardian angels and spirits.  It sounds weird, but it’s so sweet and moving and comforting.  The third trimester track actually walks you through visualizing labor and delivery and is empowering, especially when I can stay awake long enough to make it through the relaxation part at the beginning.

And now back to Wolverine and bouncing on my yoga ball.

Three Mean Little Words

After checking my cervix this morning, my OB had just three mean little words to say:  "closed thick high."  In fact, she wouldn't even entertain the idea of induction now (which I don't want anyway), saying I was sure to end up with a c-section if we tried to get things moving now.  The plan is to reassess on Tuesday, and schedule an induction for later in the week if nothing has happened then.  I think it's a reasonable plan, and I am completely comfortable with my doctor's reasoning, but I really hope that I don't have to see her on Tuesday.  Induction and the risk of complications really scares me!

I know I'm only 3 days past dates, but after all the waiting, this last wait seems to be unending.  Is it possible that I could end up being pregnant forever?

Wordless Wednesday

As seen on my walk this morning:

What I'm Looking Forward To

Overall I've had a pretty good pregnancy, and I'm lucky enough to be able to say I've enjoyed being pregnant.  So, while I'm ready to finally meet my Chiquitito, I'm also going to miss having him rolling around inside me once he's born.  These last few days I've actually felt a little wistful, knowing there's a chance I might never be pregnant again, that these may be the last days of being so close to my child.

Most women tell me that they're so in love with their child once they finally meet him, that they don't have time to miss being pregnant, but just in case, I thought I'd make a list of the things I'm looking forward to after delivery - aside from actually having my child in my arms, that is!

In no particular order, I'm looking forward to:

• being able to put my underwear and pants on without having to sit down
• being able to sleep on my stomach
• getting in a good cardio workout
• turning over in bed/getting out of bed/getting up off the couch without pain
• getting a massage while lying on my back and stomach
• wearing my super cute shoes again
• drinking a glass of red wine (that'll be a while after delivery, but still really looking forward to it!)
• walking without a limp/waddle
• eating soft cheeses without worrying if they're pasteurized

Heidi and I went for a walk this evening, and had several people ask me when my baby was due.  It was very weird to respond, "Yesterday!"  One older woman in a wheelchair suggested I wash my hair in the sink...that's one I haven't heard before.

Right now I've taking my doula's advice and have been alternating 5 minutes on and 5 minutes off the breast pump.  It was helpful to figure out how it works before I actually need to use it to pump milk, and I've learned I really need to invest in one of those hands free pumping bras, so even if it does nothing, it has been helpful.  But it has caused a few Braxton Hicks contractions, and one much stronger contraction, so let's hope it's making my cervix dilate like it's supposed to!

40 Weeks!

The ticker says forty weeks, but no baby yet! I can’t honestly say that I’ve given it my all – I didn’t go out clubbing this weekend, and I definitely didn’t get lucky. But I have done a lot of other things: I’ve been for a walk every day since Saturday (and actually made it out for two walks today). I’ve bounced on my yoga ball, stimulated my nipples and pressed on acupuncture points that are supposed to help dilate the cervix. Today I had an acupuncture appointment where she used electric stimulation on two of the points to help get labor going, in addition to a whole lot more needles elsewhere than I’ve seen since I was trying to conceive. Oh, and Heidi (who is staying with me for the week – yay!) made us spicy chili for dinner tonight. I think that all I’m missing is sperm and castor oil to round out the list of things that are said to bring on labor. And I am NOT doing castor oil! (Still open to the idea of sperm, if you know of anyone who might want to volunteer.)

Last night I woke up repeatedly with contractions, and every time I thought, “Oh, is this it?” and every time that thought was followed by a huge sense of dread and the thought “OMG. Is this it?”

I thought about that on my morning walk today. And I thought about what I’d read in Ina Mae’s Guide to Childbirth, about how emotions of the mother can often affect labor and delivery, with particularly negative emotions actually causing labor to stall or stop completely, and positive emotions having the exact opposite effect.

I don’t think that I haven’t gone into labor yet just because of my negative thoughts, but I do wonder if it’s contributing to slowing things down. And so I’ve decided to reframe my thinking about labor and delivery. I’m nervous about it, and a little scared, but I’m also so excited to finally experience this part of life. Women have been delivering babies for centuries, and I’m so grateful to have the chance to have the experience as well. I’m actually curious to know what it will be like to go through it, and when you think about it, it’s only a day or maybe two out of an entire lifetime. It’s the prize that comes after labor and delivery that this is all about, and I’m really looking forward to finally meeting my son! So every time I wake up tonight and think “Is this it?”, I’m going to try to follow that up with “Oh, I REALLY hope this is it!” And with every contraction I’m going to try to tap into the whole mind-body connection and imagine my cervix thinning and dilating, and Chiquitito moving down and into a position that will finally induce labor.

In the meantime, I’ll try to post daily until he finally decides to make an appearance – and then I’ll be taking my computer with me to the hospital, so hopefully there will be updates!