Photo Friday

Every Friday, Calliope at Creating Motherhood has a new theme for Photo Friday - this week the theme is pets.  Since almost every post I ever type is with at least one cat obstructing my computer access, I couldn't resist participating today, even though these aren't really my best efforts as a photographer.  Calliope says she's had a bad week, and needs some cheering up, so if you have some cute pet pictures, you should definitely share them, too!

I love dogs, but right now I'm a cat mom.  My oldest cat, Dakota, passed away November 2008, and I still miss her every single day.  Vagus (I was taking gross anatomy when I got him) is the now oldest at 15, and the newest addition to our family, Zaphira, is 2.  Even though Vagus was only 2 years younger than Dakota, he used to pester her to no end - it's so funny to see the roles reversed with Vagus and Z!

This is my favorite picture of Dakota and Vagus - they slept cuddled together like this a lot.

And then there was the time that Vagus got his head stuck in a bag - I wonder what that says about me as a mom (of any species) that my first response was to grab my camera, instead of rescuing the cat.

And this from the day I brought Z home - Vagus is now fairly fond of her, but at first he really didn't like her.  You can't tell in this picture, but he was growling at her - loudly.  Z has always been timid around people, but around Vagus, she's fearless.

Laughter is the Best Medicine

I have nothing new or cheerful or optimistic to post today, so instead I’m going to share a funny exchange I recently had with a patient.  It still makes me laugh, even when I'm not feeling all that happy.     

Mr. S is a patient of mine in his early 70s who I've known for at least 3 years.  At his visit a few weeks ago, we talked about his diabetes for a while, and then he asked me a question.

Mr. S:  “Were your ears burning last month?”

Me:  “Should they have been?”

Mr. S:  “Yeah, I met a couple of your other patients, and we were all sitting around talking about you.”

Me:  “Really?  Did you all complain about how mean I am?”

Mr. S:  “No, we talked about how good looking you are!  You’re the best looking doctor any of us have.”

Me(insanely flattered): “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in weeks!  Where was it exactly that you met up with these guys?”

Mr. S:  “We were all patients at the VA Hospital for the Blind.”  

Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own

The comments after my last post were beyond amazing, and I’m so grateful for each and every one.  While I hate that there are other women out there who understand and have lived my feelings, it helps so much right now to know that I’m not alone.  The reassurances that it’s okay (and even normal) to feel angry and sad and bitter have allowed me to let go of a lot of the guilt I was feeling; and I think that’s going to help me be able to maybe actually be happy and supportive for LB sooner than sometime next year. *g*  Thanks to all of you for taking the time to leave such wonderful comments.

I’ve had a hard time sticking to my diet this week, and as I succumbed to the lure of a hot Krispy Kreme donut today, I swear I could hear my ovaries screaming, “No! No refined sugar!”  I told my acupuncturist about this, and she reassured me that my ovaries are happiest when I’m happiest, and if I need a Kripsy Kreme donut or two to make me happy this week, then that’s okay. 

I think I love my acupuncturist.

Jealousy

“I have really bad news,” LB said to me last night.  Since she sounded near tears, I immediately expected something awful, like the unlikely news that she and her husband were divorcing.  But what she said instead made my stomach drop: “I’m pregnant.”

Not that this is awful news for her – she’s wanted another baby since her son was born almost 5 years ago.  She went through infertility treatments with her daughter, and then her son was a happy surprise a few years later.  Unfortunately, her pregnancies weren’t uncomplicated, and she decided she was too afraid of a bad outcome to try for number 3.  But the universe had other plans, because my friend with primary infertility ended up with her second surprise pregnancy.

I wish I could be happy for her.  I wish I could give her the support she needs right now as she freaks out about various chemical exposures and changing litter boxes and missing prenatal vitamins, and as she worries about how this pregnancy will progress.  But all I can think is, “She’s pregnant, and I’m not.”

Once again, I’m reminded of how all my friends have gotten their heart’s desires – husband or boyfriend, children, a family – while I’m left alone with my cats.  (I know that things really aren’t that simple, but I can’t help it, this simplistic worldview is all I see right now.)  I wonder what horrible deeds I did in my past lives, who in the universe it was that I pissed off, that I’m 39 years old, and still single, still alone. I know, I have wonderful friends, and a great family, so in the technical sense I’m not alone, but that doesn’t change the fact that I go home by myself every night, with no one to hold me close as I cry at life’s unfairness.

And this is why LB said it was bad news.  She knew how I was going to feel, and she understands, as much as someone who’s been married for 15 years can understand.   

I hate feeling this jealousy.  I hate being so petty and childish that my friend’s good news makes me so sad.  I really hate that LB’s joy at this pregnancy is dampened by the thought of how I’m going to feel about it.  So I keep trying to imagine how great it will be, when I do get my BFP, to go through pregnancy with one of my best friends, and then to raise our children together as best friends, too.  But that pleasant line of thinking is always interrupted by the thought that if things had gone right, she would have gotten this news when I was just out of my first trimester, instead of when I’m grieving a lost pregnancy, and my feelings right now would be completely different.

I know I’ll get over this, and I’ll be able to be the friend LB needs right now.  But today…today sucks.

Watching My Plane Come In

I had a meeting at the hospital at 7 this morning, so around 6:30 I was on the road, driving past the airport on my way.  As I drove, I saw a FedEx plane come in for a landing right in front of and then over my car, and I thought, "I wonder what sort of wonderful goodies are on that plane, just waiting to be delivered?"

I didn't think about it again until I checked my email tonight and I saw the delivery confirmation from the cryobank that my swimmers had been delivered this morning to my RE's office - by FedEx.  I checked the tracking info, and sure enough, my swimmers arrived at the airport at 6:40 this morning...and flew right over my head on their way into town.

If that's not a good sign, I don't know what is!

Forward Thinking

Puerto Rico was wonderful.  The hotel was beautiful, the beach lovely, and the pool was amazing.  It was also the perfect amount of time: just enough to be able to relax, but short enough that I didn’t feel lonely. 

I’m finding it hard to write about what this weekend did for me without sounding a little silly, so please bear with me as I struggle to put my thoughts into words.  It was nice to be able have time to think clearly about where I am right now, without distractions other than the sun and the heat.  I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I hate having to wait another month, it was probably a good thing.  I have more time now for the supplements I’m taking to improve my egg quality, my body has another month to heal, and so does my spirit.  I was finally able to think about trying to conceive without feeling all the negative emotions associated with my miscarriage overshadowing everything.  Those emotions haven’t gone away, but they’re more manageable now, less overpowering. 

I also listened to Kathy Freston’s “Visualizing Pregnancy” meditation for the first time since April, and I did okay with it.  It’s what I listened to almost every day for the month before my successful IUI, and I’m certain that it helped to calm me down and to sleep better, especially during my 2ww.  I didn’t find as helpful this time, maybe because it just doesn’t seem to apply to me anymore, as it focuses a lot on actually believing that you can get pregnant.  I did listen to the first two “precycle” meditations from Circle and Bloom’s Meditation for IUI/IVF cycle.  These are geared towards enhancing the mind/body connection, and feel much more appropriate for me right now.  I’ll continue to listen to the “precycle” meditations over the next month, and then move on through the rest of the program as I go through my next cycle, and let you all know what I think of them then. 

For now, I’m excited that I’m able to focus on doing the right things to help make my next IUI a success, instead of still focusing exclusively on what I need to do to heal.  Looking forward – it’s a nice feeling.

An Unwelcome Visitor

The watch for AF is officially over – she arrived today, almost the latest I could have possibly started and not be able to start cycling next week.  Which is exactly what I expected, because why would something go smoothly for me at this point? 

I’m trying to be optimistic, and believe that this is the universe telling me that I needed another month to get myself back togethert.  I still haven’t been able to get past the first 30 seconds of my Visualizing Pregnancy meditation, so maybe there really is something to that.  Maybe if I repeat it often enough, I will believe it.  

On the bright side, I’m going to Puerto Rico tomorrow!  Within days of my miscarriage, I started thinking about getting away by myself, somewhere tropical. I wanted my trip to be somewhere I could get another stamp on my passport, somewhere I could fly to without changing planes, and somewhere with a beach and staff at the beach who would cater to my every whim.  Oh, and it had to be reasonably priced. 

I spent hours surfing the web, looking a last minute deal that fit the bill.  And I finally found a package deal to Puerto Rico that fit all my criteria except getting me a new stamp in my passport.  But the flights are timed so that I get almost all day on the beach (despite travel time) on Saturday and Monday, and there’s the culture of Old San Juan if I decide I’ve had enough of the beach, so this seemed like the best choice. 

I’m taking my Kindle, my iPod and my camera, and leaving my computer at home.  I’m going to sit on the beach, soak in the vitamin D and think good, fertile thoughts.  While my week with my friends and family was very healing, this weekend is for me to find my balance again, and prepare myself for the stress of trying to conceive after miscarriage.

Happy 4th of July!

Donor Drama

As I was pondering AF yesterday (yes, I do that all the time these days, and no, still no sign of her – yay!) it occurred to me that I only have one vial of swimmers left at my RE’s office. Having only one vial makes me nervous: what if I go through all the scans and blood draws and meds next cycle, only to find that something was wrong with the last vial I have left? I looked online, and saw that my donor only has IUI ready vials (meaning the swimmers have been washed already) available. My clinic insists on washing all swimmers before an IUI, so they had suggested that I always buy the cheaper, unwashed ICI vials. So I called the Cyrobank, and asked when my donor might have more ICI vials available. She checked and cheerfully said, “Never, this donor has been retired.”

Yikes! What to do? I called my RE’s office and talked to Patsy, the coordinator for the lab, to ask her if they really do insist on washing all vials, even the IUI ones. She told me that they actually don’t, but that in their lab the IUI specimens don’t seem to be as good as the ICI vials.  But since I have a proven track record with my donor, and I’m a little attached to him, she suggested I go ahead and buy two of the IUI ready vials as back up for next time. Then she reminded me that if I eventually go the IVF route, they require I have at least two vials on hand, just in case.

After I finished talking with Patsy, I called the Cryobank, and spent a lot of money I hadn’t planned on spending this month on 2 vials of swimmers. And then I started to have a minor crisis about my future plans for TTC. What if I try two IUIs, they don’t work and I have to go to IVF? I’ll have to order another vial of swimmers – and then what if my donor is all used up? Maybe I should try just one IUI before IVF?  Or maybe I should just skip right to IVF now? Or maybe I should stop driving myself crazy and think about something else?

I took the last suggestion, slept on my minor crisis, and woke up feeling much calmer this morning. With a clear head, I was able to remind myself just how expensive IVF really is, and that I've gotten pregnant with an IUI once, so there's no reason to think I can't do it again. Now I’m back to my original plan of two IUIs and then on to IVF (because, as several people have pointed out, I'm not getting any younger!)  If I have to use the IUI ready vial and it has iffy swimmers, I’ll have them thaw both vials and mix them. And if I have to go on to IVF, and my donor is all used up, I’ll order my second choice donor. And if he’s all used up…I guess I’ll have to have another “Who’s Your Daddy” party to choose a new donor!

As my sister pointed out, this would have all been a lot easier if I’d just picked up a hot guy at the beach last weekend. I’m pretty sure I was ovulating. ;)