But this shit is fucking hard.
I am tired, all the time. I'm more grumpy with my kids than I should be. My neck and shoulders and back hurt constantly, and so even though I'm getting to bed most nights in time to get at least 7 hours of sleep, I never get a good solid sleep because I hurt. And I end up with a 4-5 day migraine at least once a month. I weigh 15 pounds more than I should. I hate my hair color. Work politics suck, and I'm not doing a good enough job at keeping afloat with the basics of patient care to be able to be as vocal as I want to be about those issues. I frequently forget to pay a bill or return patient messages or friend's phone calls or to wish someone important a happy birthday or to actually let the people who are important to me know that I'm thinking of them with a text or an email or a phone call because oh my gosh I'm just too tired to even try.
I get home at night and have a few hours with my kids with dinner, a little playtime and then it's time to get ready for bed. Once the kids are in bed I have an average of 90 minutes to do everything else I need to do - walk the dog, do laundry, wash dishes, prepare meal plans, pay bills (why can't everyone allow autopay?), reply to emails - and there's never enough time, so the things I want to do - catch up with friends, edit pictures, watch tv, read a book, write a blog entry, comment on blogs - never get done.
Most surprising to me is how lonely I am. I have really good friends both locally and far away, I have support when I need it, and yet I'm still alone a lot. And I know I could ease some of that loneliness by reaching out...but then there's that whole pesky exhaustion and lack of time thing getting in the way again.
It's at this point that I'm sure someone out there wants to tell me to stop my whining, adding: "you asked for this!"
I did. And I'd do it all over again. But it is hard in ways that I never could have imagined.
And right now, something has to give. There's a lot in life right now that I can't change. But I am going to work on taking better care of myself physically. I made an appointment with my family doctor to get a physical to make sure that there's no unsuspected health issue going on. I am going to call tomorrow to make an appointment for a massage, and then book every other week massages until my neck and shoulder pain is significantly better. I hate taking extra time away from my kids, but this is something I have to do. I made an appointment (for the end of March, the earliest my schedule will allow) to see someone new to fix my hair color - that won't make my body feel any better, but it sure will make me feel better every time I look in the mirror.
I'm also going to make the time to blog more often. Even if no one is still reading, it feels good to get everything down in writing. I'll try not to complain quite so much next time.
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You are allowed to complain :) It's great to hear you are taking some steps in caring for yourself. Too many dang balls to juggle, too many dang balls. Enjoy your massages!
ReplyDeleteYour post makes me empathize with you... and also with my brother, who is in a similar situation with kids similar ages (a little younger). Sometimes I have felt sad I didn't hear back from him on text or email but I plan to remember this post next time. Sending you (and him) positive energy and care. *he has a spouse, though, so has more help!
ReplyDeleteI've never commented before, but I've been following your blog since before you conceived Finn! At that time I was just starting to think about becoming a SMC. Now I have a fabulous, wild, sassy almost 3 year old and I'm an SMC myself. This post made me feel SO much better - I am so glad someone else feels the same way I do. I am incredibly grateful for my life as it is, but it is exhausting and lonely and hard at the same time. Thanks for your honesty.
ReplyDeleteAh, Shannon. I hear you. And I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI suspect things will get easier, or at least differently hard (?), when Finn goes to kindergarten.
Prioritizing your needs at this point sounds really critical. What would it mean for you to go to bed earlier, get closer to 8 hrs, and hire a babysitter for a couple hrs on weekends to get that other stuff done? I know my own migraines are definitely sleep related. And hormonal...
I have missed your posts, partly because you do such a good job of conveying the simultaneous joy and exhaustion of parenting. i wouldn't want blogging to feel like one more obligation. But i do hope to hear more from you!
ReplyDeleteI totally get it. I recently wrote a post about being lonely also. How is it possible that we have these kids that love us fiercely, yet we yearn for something... companionship? support? different kind of love? It's hard, and I truly find it harder and lonelier as Sidekick gets older, which really makes no sense.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote my life perfectly! The hardest job ever and no me left over but love my baby boy so much and so grateful he is here.
ReplyDeleteIt is tough! And you have every right to complain.
ReplyDeleteI think the doctor and massage are both good ideas. The old adage, put your oxygen mask on before helping others thing definitely applies here!
Not even a little part of me thought, "you asked for this!". Not once. I did think, "why is life so hard - no matter what we do?" We take steps to enrich our lives and those around us and we do our best to be good, solid, loving humans. And then - no matter what we do - complications happen.
ReplyDeleteThe Dalai Lama says, "Although you may not always be able to avoid difficult situations,you can modify the extent to which you can suffer by how you choose to respond to the situation.". So what I'm saying is: the Dalai Lama wants you to get a massage.
I certainly can commiserate. I was thinking about how hard it is the other day during another tortuously long commute and I thought about the advice I read while in the middle of my string of bad luck. It was a question, "What can you do that will make everything else easier?" With hindsight, the answer to that would be "find a great partner to share my life and parenting with." This SMC thing, with not even every-other weekend off like many divorced women have, is so freaking hard because it's a marathon that never ends. And an occasional massage, though no doubt a good idea, doesn't fix the root problem that when you work full time and parent solo full time, you don't get the regular breaks needed for sanity. That all being said, I've noticed that it does feel easier to me now that my kids are 4 and 6. They get themselves ready in the morning, often even getting their own cereal. When I am exhausted I can say with earnest, "I need your help" and they understand it. You (and Abby, by her last blog post) are in the absolute hardest time. The blissful newborn days with #2 are over and you are in the thick of the marathon. All I can say is hang on, I agree it IS so worth it, and, like I said to Brandee yesterday, this too shall pass. They'll be grown and gone before we know it and, hopefully, before they kill us :-)
ReplyDeleteAh yes, as you know, I am right there with you. Though I am feeling a bit better the last couple of days. A week of vacation time to do absolutely nothing, a first for me, is healing.
ReplyDeleteI think you are looking for sympathy, not advice, but you mentioned you had money for travel... can you use some of your travel funds to throw at this problem? is there ANYTHING at all you can outsource? so, like a PP mentioned, you can get closer to 8 hours of sleep? or 7 hours plus other self care? i pay my nanny extra to make Calliope's lunches and do dishes (unfortunately, I feel too guilty to leave dishes for her on a regular basis, but that's another story). Could you have Nanny M stay a little later and help with cooking and cleaning up from dinner? and walk the dog?
Anyway, sorry to problem solve on you. I agree with Claire that I think you are in the very hardest part. A preschooler and a toddler. Yikes. I'm not quite there yet, but getting close. (Yikes.) Let's try to be really gentle and kind to ourselves, even if not in our high achieving DNA, yeah?
Oh Shannon, you know I feel you! I often look back on how easy I thought two kids was when T was a baby, and how that is soooo not the case now that he's almost two and B is almost four. It's so hard that the moments of feeling grateful and content are extremely rare for me at the moment; mostly I'm just muddling through each day. From what I gather, all my married friends with two little kids feel just as exhausted and fed up as we do, so I think it's mainly that kids this age are A LOT of work no matter how you slice it. All I can say is you're definitely not alone, and hugs!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to the constant neck/shoulder ache as I sit here downing Advil and a heating pad :-( It is really hard, and I only have one! I think the hardest as you mention is not getting a break. I don't even get the night-time downtime most SMC's get since B is up what seems like every 20 min crying out for me. Its exhausting. Just know you are not alone.....Hugs.
ReplyDeleteHugs, hugs, hugs. I'm having a day like this myself. Definitely check your thyroid, but your migraines sound like fatigue to me. I know I can do 7 hrs per night for a while then something breaks down and I fall asleep on the couch at 8 after getting nothing done. I vote for throwing money somewhere as well. Outsourcing the chores :) mostly Just know you are far from alone and your boys are gorgeous
ReplyDeleteShannon, I cannot relate yet, but just want to thank you for your honesty during this whole ride. Wishing you peace and love and small moments to recharge.
ReplyDeleteYep. That's pretty much how I feel all the time, too. I am beyond grateful for my boys and I love them so much it hurts. But...I'm so damn tired! There is no such thing as "me time" in my life.
ReplyDeleteNo advice, but know that you're not alone.
I feel exactly the same but I have way more help. Working full time with small kids is just crazy. I wish I could do my work part-time.
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ReplyDeleteI hear you about how difficult it all is. If I didn't have my mum to help pick kiddie up and take him to activities and school, I don't know how I could hold down a full-time job - what job lets a mother leave every day at 3pm?!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for about four years. (Yes, four! How time flies.) You do seem to find it stressful. Maybe, this could be unresolved postpartum anxiety or depression. It can last years and cause body pain and fatigue.
I looked forward to my kiddie and had an amazing pregnancy (seriously, according to the fetal monitor I had moderate to strong, yet PAINLESS contractions), and my son was a happy, happy baby and is an everyday joy. But there was huge family strife for the first year of his life, followed by a car crash when he was eighteen months. As a result, I was not usual happy self. Oh, I got through everything. If you met me then, you'd never know, I didn't even know, exactly - just felt this was not how hard things should be or feel. I was low-level scared all the time, and constantly worried and tired and stressed. You have had some trauma with Zach's diagnosis (thank gosh he's well, and what handsome devils they both are ), and doing it all alone with no constant help or emotional support, and being a community family doctor where everyone relies on you for their well-being, well, it would be an unrelenting responsibility.
I believe these things, the minor and the major issues, complications, and uncertainties add up and weigh us mothers down in ways the world is only now beginning to take seriously. This is just my experience, much of what you write about seems to mirror what I went through. Thankfully my mum, a nurse, and my sister both had postpartum issues and I was able to get through it. It's something to think about. Good luck. The kids look wonderful and you are a queen. Samantha
I'm so glad you wrote this. Obviously, I am woefully behind in blog reading. I've had a hard time of it these last many months, struggling with depression & fighting that inner voice yelling, "What the hell do you have to be depressed about?!!?" Which of course is so unfair to myself. I love my life & I have it so good, I know I do...but you're right. It's hard.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for making yourself a priority. You deserve it.
Also woefully behind in blog reading, and commenting.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are (were??) having a rough time. I hope you've been able to do some things that have helped. I love the idea of every other week massages, and think it's gotta be worth the time and money.
Hang in there. I'm hoping when you travel for your conference in a few weeks you'll get some real, true, R&R built in to your time away!
I just read your post.. it is hard you are right.. My kids are 4 years and 19 months.. I don't have any good advice. For me, I just know that I can't do everything myself. I hope it gets easier when my kids get older. hugs and miss you.
ReplyDeleteI am a single mom by choice with 3 chidden-yes, 3. Twin 19 month old boys and a 5 year old. I just bought a house for us and moved last year in December. I was feeling really, really exhausted and down, and I thought it was the move, and being a single parent and the children. I am so glad I went to get a physical. I told the doctor that I thought I was depressed (because I felt depressed too) and I had never felt like this before and could I have anit-depressants please? She said ok, gave me a prescription, drew blood. I went home and hesitated on getting the medication because once you start you have to stay on it for a year. She called me 2 days later with the results of my blood test. My doctor told me that I have a very low thyroid, so low that I need more blood tests and need medication. She said that is why I was so depressed and exhausted. I did NOT have depression-I have a low thyroid which she said I did not have last year. I got this because of my pregnancies, my age, stress of moving. I have googled this low thyroid thing and it is huge. Many women have this and it can make you feel like you have depressions. You do, but once you take medication to fix your thyroid it goes away. So no anti-depressants for me, but I am going to try the thyroid medication. I can't wait! 2 days from now I amy eating more blood tests, but I am like you-utterly exhausted I can barely get dinner on the table. And I am thinking of getting help watching the kids so I can get a break.
ReplyDeleteSo I wanted to say, pleas, please tell your doctor when you get your physical to check your blood for any thyroid problems (because that is when I found out 2 weeks ago when I forced myself to get a physical-I was so tired that I kept not going, plus with the move I was so busy). I am so glad to know that this is not in my head, this is not emotional-there is something biologically wrong with my body that with medication hopefully will fix.
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