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| wedding selfie |
And then the dancing started. The first song was of course the bride and groom. I stood there in the dark, watching, and felt those usual wedding thoughts enter my mind. Why haven't I ever met anyone that loves me enough to want to marry me? Or that I love enough to want to marry? Am I that unloveable?
And then Finn came running up to me. "Has the dance party started yet, Mommy?" "No, Finn, not yet, there are a few dances first that we just watch." "Let's not watch! Dance with me, Mommy."
So there in the grass, off to the side and in the dark, we danced, my two boys and I. While they don't fill that desire to find a partner someday, they do very much make my heart full and whole.
If they story ended there, it would be lovely and sweet. But then it was time to go. At the car, Finn burst into tears. "I'm sad, I want to stay!" I handled that fairly well, and he was happy by the time I was buckling him in and he was cheerful the drive home. I'd considered driving around until he relaxed enough to fall asleep, but decided I was too tired to do that, so we came straight home.
During bedtime routine, the meltdowns started. He'd calm down from one and another would start. I could have dealt with the meltdowns if they were just about going back to the wedding. But these were more. "I want to go back to NannyMaw's house. I don't like this house. I don't want to stay here. I want to go stay at NannyMaw's."
I know he was exhausted, but this is not the first time he's said he doesn't like this house. That makes me so sad, as I love this house and want him to be happy here and love it, too. He's three, I'm sure it will come, and it may not even be that he doesn't really like this house. But on the heels of an event that already makes me emotionally vulnerable, it sure hurts.
Posts
Oh I'm so sorry. Typical toddler - makes your heart Burst with love one minutes, with frustration the next :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sure he loves the house.
Oh no, that sounds pretty tough. Big hugs sister! I can completely relate to your feelings about weddings, I haven't been to one in years thank goodness. I used to love them when I was younger and believed that mine would be just around the corner, but the last couple I attended were excruciatingly awkward. It's interesting that Finn says he doesn't like your house, I don't believe it for a second! You shouldn't either! Don't let it get to you because it's just a thing that toddlers do.
ReplyDeleteI love the photos from the last post! Especially the skeleton boys ;-) The one with Zachary crawling about the empty hotel lobby (whilst everyone else was asleep) made me laugh out loud! Little monkey.
I can hear my little monkey crying again, it was Guy Fawkes last week and fireworks are still going off every night and waking him up :/
Kia kaha! (Stay strong) xx
It might be my pregnancy hormones, but I teared up at the sweetness of dancing with your boys. Try not to ever forget that moment....in that moment Finn didn't care about his house, he knew his mommy is his home.
ReplyDeleteI completely get this. From the melancholy at weddings and (once upon a time) baby showers to the hurt and resentment when my child adds to a bad day by not recognizing my emotional state and thus "backing off". Yes, I've been there. As smc's we don't have a lot of private space for our moods and feelings but they are still real and we still need to acknowledge them.
ReplyDeleteSuch good comments from such strong women! Sorry you had a tough time. Those moments can be tough. In the meantime, think how fantastic it is you get your boys all to yourself with no negative relationships, if you had them with a guy who ended up to be the wrong one. Love the selfie and the pictures from the last post. Your boys look so happy!
ReplyDeleteI moved when my son was just 3 and for at least 6 months, if not a year, he kept asking when we were going back to our house. Even though the new place is much nicer he couldn't get over losing the old house. He still asks for the old beat up used car we had (I traded it in when he was 2, almost 3 years ago!). My son now likes this house, and I think any future moves would be easier. It is hard when they don't seem to appreciate that we are doing something to better the situation. I'm sure it'll all be better after some sleep.
ReplyDeleteI like hearing Heather's experience about memories and attachment to old things. And it getting better with time. Sorry you got that whammo when you were feeling vulnerable. :(
ReplyDeleteI'm curious if Finn says that at certain times, like when he's frustrated or wanting to get a reaction. Also wondering if you have asked him "what" he likes about that other house? May be related to a dynamic (like they're not his mom needing to deal with as much practical stuff and he gets treated "special" or gets his way) or as simple as he likes to play with a certain object. Or maybe last night he wanted to go back in time to the "fun" of the wedding and dancing, etc.
Sorry that things were so stressful! I still do not go to weddings and have only memories of yearnings from baby showers. Then add a fussy toddler to the mix- I can imagine it felt so overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI think that when kids are having a good time (and it sounds like he had a wonderful time at the wedding), it's hard for them to come back down from that high of excitement, energy, and especially having other people around them. The yearning for the other house might be wishing he was surrounded by people and activity instead of having to go to bed.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry the wedding was rough emotionally. You're such a beautiful family. I hope good things will come your way!
Ouch indeed, I'm sorry you had such a rough night. As much as I love that B is talking now, I have to say I get kind of bummed out when he tells me he doesn't like something I thought he liked...or something I really want him to like. It's hard when they start expressing opinions!
ReplyDeleteI go through so many phases of wanting a husband also. It's hard because like you I wonder if I am unlovable. But then I remind myself that if I had waited for that man, I would definitely not have Sidekick, and I might have missed my window to even have a child. But still... life can be lonely even with a kid, especially during a wedding.
ReplyDeleteOhhhh, Shannon, I'm so sorry! I get it. The last wedding I went to, before I had Jordyn, the bride, who was a very close friend of mine, seated me at a table with ALL couples. There were other single people there, just at a different table. For whatever reason, she sat me with ALL couples. So they all got up to dance, and I sat there, all by myself. I was SO pissed, and pretty miserable, and left as soon as I thought I could without it seeming weird. I'm so glad you at least had your boys to dance with.
ReplyDeleteThe house? I agree - he's three, and it'll come. It'll be his childhood home, and he'll look back with SUCH fond memories, eventually. It's not about the house, I bet. He wanted to go bad to NannyMaws because all the people were there, the party, the dancing, the music, etc. At least that time. Other times, I'm sure it's about something he did there, or whatever. But I think of it like behavior at school versus home - best behavior at school and then lose it as soon as home with mom... Same with the house!
That's gotta sting after already feeling vulnerable at the wedding. Even logically knowing it's just toddler behavior it's hard to separate yourself from the emotions. Big hugs
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the wedding feelings...
ReplyDeleteAs for the house comment, Elsie has said things like that to me to and they hurt. But I have found out that what she is saying is not what she means. If that makes sense. Maybe Finn was expressing that he wanted to go back to the party but it comes out as "I don't like this house."
((hugs)) Re: the house:... it's a phase. It's a crappy phase, but a phase. C used to say all the time "I want to go home". When I would reply we are home he would say "no! I don't live here! I live at Bubbies! I want to go home!" Thankfully he hasn't pulled that one out in a while so there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteI've been meaning to comment on this post since you put it up, and partly I kept forgetting, nd partly I didn't know what to say. That must've been so hard watching her get married and feeling alone.
ReplyDeleteAs far as Finn, I don't know if he's quite old enough, but they do reach an age where they start comparing themselves to others and what everyone else has is always better than what they have. My Monkey loves to compare our family to all his friends', who inevitably are always cooler and have more fun. It makes me sad that he feels that way, but I know their lives aren't perfect either. In this case, I think obernon may be right that he just wanted to go back to the party.
Deborah
Great photos of you with your handsome boys! You're not unlovable. How often do you get out without your boys? Finding that special man or having him find you is possible. It takes time and effort. Have you thought about creating an online dating profile? It is a great way to meet dates, especially when you have limited time going out to meet people. A date can take just an hour over coffee. Maybe worth trying at the very least?
ReplyDeleteI found this article to be interesting. I know Michelle did not start out as a SMC, but I was able to relate to her. Anyway, it is an interesting read about being a single mother raising her son and making the choice to remain single (I am not suggesting you remain single) and enjoy her family the way it was (and I am not saying you do not enjoy your family): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-martin/why-i-chose-to-stay-singl_b_6098346.html
ReplyDeleteMy schedule got so out of whack the last 6 months I got out of the habit of reading this blog (albeit I was never regular). So when I decided to get caught up and read this one first, my heart sank for you. I remember having a little toddler and no "mans", often feeling like a 5th wheel. It's hard, no doubt about it, and I wish I could wiggle my nose and give you your heart's desire.
ReplyDeleteBut, you are doing so well, so much better than I did, handling this whole situation. I wonder about the house. Is this a convenient phrase he uses when he'd rather be somewhere else, like a party? Have you ever asked him about this house when he is happy and having fun at home? Or have you ever had an opportunity to ask him what exactly he doesn't like about it?