Yesterday, I went shopping for some nursery essentials (baskets and lamps), visiting IKEA, Home Goods, Target and Garden Ridge, along with a few little boutique stores in my search for the perfect items. I kept finding myself surrounded by pregnant women, and turning my head away when I saw them, like I’ve done for years, because it makes me sad to see them. And then I kept realizing as I did so, “Oh, wait, I’m one of them now!”
It’s weird how unreal my life seems to me some days. I think it’s because this has been my dream for as long as I can remember – to be pregnant, to have a child (or 4), to be a mommy. I just can’t believe that it’s really happening to me. And at times, I can’t believe I had the courage to start this process, to actually try to get pregnant on my own in the first place. Maybe it wasn’t even courage, it was just what I had to do, so I did it. I am doing it. And it still surprises me.
In the midst of this disbelief, I’m so thankful for this little miracle I have growing in me. I’m trying to savor every last second of being pregnant: the kicks that are so strong my body shakes with them, the little flutters I feel when I’m in a position he doesn’t like, the constant backache, the chronic constipation, the random kindness from strangers who are more than willing to help out a pregnant woman, the shortness of breath when climbing stairs and the constant surprise I feel when I look down and see my own rounded belly.
I find myself rubbing my belly without realizing I’m doing it, and resting my hands on my stomach when I’m sitting in a meeting. And I remember how much it bothered me when pregnant women did this around me before I was pregnant myself. I vowed I would never do this, and yet I find I can’t help myself. Now I know they probably weren’t conscious of it, either. But still, my joy in my pregnancy is constantly tempered a small amount of worry for Chiquitito, and by guilt and sadness for those who aren’t yet seeing their dreams fulfilled, too. And then today I read this blog entry from Maggie May – an entry I read just because I was putting off getting dressed this morning, and clicked on a random link on another blog, just for something to do. And I’m so glad I did. The entire entry is beautiful, haunting, powerful and perfect, and these sentences pretty much sum it up: You will be loved deeply because you wish to love deeply. You recognize that suffering is ongoing in this world, and accept that refusing your deepest, most profound joys to sink as far as they can into your heart is not protecting anyone, anywhere from their pain.
Who knew I could find such a powerful message on a lazy Saturday morning? Procrastination really is good for something, after all.
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Wow! About ten weeks to go- time has flown. Rub your belly- Chiquitito appreciates it. Just if you see someone watching you wistfully, smile at her and remember.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're still doing well and moving right along. Enjoy the weeks of pregnancy you have left. Also really love the message.
ReplyDeleteWow, I can't believe you are 29 weeks now. How exciting!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Maggie's entry--it's so true!
ReplyDeleteWOW, only 11 weeks to go!!! Good for you for savoring! And that's good to hear that you felt more impatient earlier on... thank you for sharing that!
ReplyDeleteI will avoid hijacking your blog and post responses to you on my blog.
Congratulations on getting so close!!! That must be so very exciting... and dare I say, a little terrifying, too???
PS Have I mentioned before that I think it's so cool that we are close to 100 days apart on our baby tickers? (I am at 168 today, you are at 72.) Cool! I can't wait to keep learning from you!
That quote is just beautiful. Also, nothing wrong with rubbing your own belly. The problem for me was when random strangers would come up to me and rub my belly (or try to). No. Just, no.
ReplyDeleteYou rub away at that belly friend! Enjoy it! Love it! You deserve this!
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post, both your's & Maggie May's.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you visited All the stores in one go! What I find difficult (having just purchased a new couch from Ikea), is not all the pregnant women walking around (because I hope to be one of those myself very soon) - It's the pregnant women walking round with a couple gorgeous children And a doting husband in tow!
ReplyDeleteAfter my miscarriages I found myself rubbing my belly at odd moments. It was completely unconscious and usually when I was feeling melancholy because there wasn't a baby there, growing, kicking, fluttering.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed that I don't feel that sadness when I see a pregnant woman. I am able to rejoice in her experience without that catch in my solar plexus - that one that knocks the wind right out of you and lays you flat emotionally. It took a long time but I love my life as it is now. I'm so glad you are living your dream. Live it open and joyously!