Start of a Long Weekend

I didn't sleep well Thursday night; the heaviness in my heart kept waking me up.  My older cat, Vagus, must have known I was in need, because he spent the entire night curled against my chest.  Every time I woke up feeling lost, I was reassured that Vagus was still snuggled under my arm.

Being up and active at work yesterday made me cramp and bleed all over again.  After 6 months of not taking any Aleve, I've taken at least 2 every day since Tuesday - I'd hoped that Friday would be my first drug free day.  But instead, I even broke down and took a Lortab last night before bed.  The pain wasn't really any worse than bad period cramps, but I was weak and didn't want to wake up all night with the physical pain an extra reminder of what I've lost.

I've gone back to cleaning out the litter box without gloves or a mask.  This week, I put away my "safe in pregnancy" wrinkle cream and went back to the stuff with retinol in it.  My stomach is recovering from pregnancy nausea, and I've actually eaten real food this week.  And all I want is go to back to feeling nauseated and eating only potatoes.  To go back to the hassle of gloving up for a litter box change.  To risk a few more wrinkles by putting away my good wrinkle cream in favor of the inferior safe in pregnancy stuff.

Instead, I'm taking this long weekend to cave - the kitchen is stocked with apple jacks cereal (which surprisingly isn't as good as I remembered), pop tarts (which, unfortunately, are as good as I remembered), frozen pizza, cookies, and ice cream, so I don't have to leave the house if I don't want to.  I've got lots of movies, DirecTV and a Kindle, so my entertainment is covered as well.  I'm hiding from everyone.  I'm hoping a little time on my own will help me find my balance.

I'm still teetering between tears and hope, and I guess that's still why I'm confused about how I feel and where I am right now.  I feel like I should be in the depths of despair.  And at times I am - I've lost my baby.  Of the two dreams I've had for my personal life - to be married to a great man and to be a mom - I was finally going to achieve one of them.  But just like every good (or potentially good) relationship I've ever been in, my pregnancy ended much too soon.  I've always achieved my professional goals, am I ever going to have the same success in my personal life?  Right now, a part of me thinks it will never happen.

But then I remember what my doctor told me - now I know I can get pregnant.  My borderline fertility labs made me question that, but now I know it's possible.  I think my confusion is that I'm not sure how to deal with the feelings of sadness and loss existing simultaneously with feelings of hope.  By acknowledging the hopefulness I feel deep in my heart, am I avoiding dealing with the sadness?  Am I compromising my healing if I don't feel sad and miserable all the time?  Or am I just overthinking it all?

I probably am.  I know I've written more already today than I meant to write.  I need to stopping thinking so much and just let myself feel whatever it is I'm feeling right now.