Feeling a Little Lost

I’m not sure how I feel. Or how I’m supposed to feel. I know I’m sad. I know I feel empty. And I started crying over the story of a hurt puppy on my way home from work (which is definitely the hormones talking). But I don’t feel hopeless.  Instead, I actually feel a little spark of hope in the midst of my sadness.  I’ve read other blogs about miscarriage, and they all seem to be in a different place than me, all in the depths of a deep depression, and I don’t feel like that’s where I am. Or maybe I’m in that deep, dark depression, and I don’t even realize that I am.  Or maybe I'm focusing so much on that little spark of hope, on the thought of trying again, that I'm not allowing myself to grieve.

It was my first day back at work after my D&C today. At lunch I just wanted to get away. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and the people I was sitting next to clearly didn’t know what to say to me. Really, it’s not that hard. “I’m sorry.” That’s all you have to say when something bad happens to someone, and you don’t know what to say. Just, “I’m sorry.” Or even, “I’m sorry for your loss. And I don’t know what else to say.” It’s a lot less painful to hear that, than to see someone uncomfortable to be around you search for something, anything to talk about while you’re in the room.  

But in the meantime, I’d like someone to tell me how I’m supposed to act, and how I’m supposed to feel. Because just 8 days ago I was nervous, but excited, too. Worried about my upcoming ultrasound, but hopeful I was wrong, and that I’d be announcing my pregnancy to the world in just a few weeks. And now I’m not. And I don’t know what to do.