Lucky Number 13

Finn had his 13^th MRI on Tuesday.  I've always dreaded each and every MRI, but after last year’s experience, Finn has, too. At random times during the past year he's said to me, “Mommy, I don’t want another MRI,” and while I know it’s not something either of us thought about constantly, it has been weighing on both our minds.  Over the past few weeks we have done several rounds of role playing to prepare for the MRI, with both me being the patient and him being the patient (and I’m astounded by the level of detail he remembers from the last one). But I didn't want him to worry more than he needed to, so I didn't tell him he was going for his next one until the morning of the scan. When I told him that it was his MRI day, his whole face crumpled.  “I don’t want that thing on my arm” he said, referring to the bandage they put on after they took off his bandage.  “And I don’t want the mask.” 

I was prepared for this, and once we talked about the bandage and the mask, I told him I had a surprise for him to watch after his MRI.  Not one, but two Star Wars Lego movies.  This did bring a smile to his face and relieved the imminent threat of tears, but he still wasn’t happy.  When I was buckling him into his car seat, he looked at me and said, "I really hope the MRI shows that I'm healthy."

We had his ultrasound first, which he actually really liked.  The tech was fabulous and turned the screen so Finn could see it, and when it was clear he knew the names of the organs, she started telling him what he was seeing, turned on the color flow so he could see blood flow and even turned up the sound so he could hear the blood rushing through his veins.  He was nervous when he first walked in the room, but he had a huge grin on his face by the time he was done. 

Then we went to MRI.  They didn’t keep us waiting long at all, and within about 15 minutes of walking into the department, the anesthesiologist was giving Finn his “yucky medicine” (Versed).  He swallowed it down like a pro, and then complained of the taste for a few minutes before he started giggling.  He was the cutest little drunk ever.  Once he was very relaxed and happy, the anesthesiologist scooped him up out of my arms, let me give him a few silly kisses and he was on his way without even the slightest protest. Most of the staff in radiology and in recovery remembered Finn, and while he didn't remember them, it was very reassuring to me to see the familiar and friendly faces of people who sincerely care about how Finn is doing.

He was crying when I came up to get him recovery, and cried even harder once I was up there with him, but then started to clear up a little and asked me if his MRI was done.  Hearing that it was, and being allowed to drink some apple juice brightened his spirits considerably.  By the time we made it to the oncologist’s office, he was wobbly but smiling. 

We had to wait until yesterday morning to hear the results, but they were worth waiting for.  Not only was his MRI good, it was great!  He’s had a residual area of abnormality ever since his surgery that we thought would always be there as scar tissue.  Only this time, it is completely gone.  The entire area looks absolutely NORMAL.  That alone is great news.  But to make it even better – the guidelines have recently changed for children diagnosed with neuroblastoma in infancy.  It used to be that the recommendation was continued imaging through age 7.  But now the recommendation is only for 36 months after treatment.  Which means NO MORE MRIs!!!!! 

Over the past year I'd managed to forget the worst of the fear and worry that comes with an upcoming MRI.  I've even gone days on end without once thinking about Finn's diagnosis.  Or I thought I had.  The immense sense of soul-deep relief it gives me to know his risk of recurrence is now so tiny that he doesn't need another MRI is just staggering. I cried. More than once.

I’ve always felt a little like an imposter when I tell people that I have a child who was diagnosed with cancer, since he never had chemo or radiation, and the prognosis was such a good one to begin with. But it was still horrible and awful. It was much better than what some have gone through, but it still really sucked.  

I will be forever thankful that he did not have to get chemotherapy. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't send out thanks to universe for the life of this this bright, inquisitive and funny boy who enriches my life so profoundly.

And now I'm incredibly thankful he no longer has to worry about his next MRI.  And neither do I.  

All of My Days

When I was trying to get pregnant with Finn, I listened to a few songs over and over and over again. The first song on that play list was All of My Days by Alexi Murdoch.  I would sometimes listen to it on replay, lying on the couch with my hands over my belly and dreaming.

I continued to listen to that play list when pregnant with Finn, and then again when trying to conceive Zachary and when pregnant with him.  Now, the sounds of very first chords of this song immediately remind me of those wistful, hopeful, frightening, sad and beautiful days.

Sunday night the boys and I went to a local SMC get-together, and came home as the sun was getting low in the sky and the worst of the heat was fading.  We stopped at the gas station, and when I got back in the car, Finn asked, "Mommy, can we leave the windows open, and drive home with them down?"

As I pulled out onto the quiet streets leading to home, this song began to play.  I looked into the backseat to see a wide grin on Zachary's face as he waved his hands in the breeze, and a look of bliss on Finn's face as he turned his face into the wind and watched the trees go by.

"This is awesome, Mommy!"

Yes, yes it is.

Rambling Sort of Update

I have not been a good blogger lately.

The truth is, I'm struggling with a lot of things lately.  Not that I'm unhappy, not at all.  It's just that I'm struggling to find a way to coordinate all the various parts of my life that need coordinating.  It's the things that are needed to make our home work: the bills that for some reason can't be automated, random chores that pop up, trying to stay on top of the person who is trying to sell my condo for me, and groceries.  Oh, and the projects.  Oh the projects.  I have so many things I want to do with my house, and not enough time (or money) for any of them. And then the things I need to do for me: staying in touch with friends, editing my photographs, finding new recipes for dinner, and exercise. But central to all of it is taking care of my boys.

It's still a challenge, raising these two, but both of them are a little easier than they were last year.  I don't expect this phase to last, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

So I'm devoting their waking hours when we are together to making sure we have fun and that they learn about the world and how make their way in it, while we make good memories together. While keeping my cool as much as possible and living the peaceful parenting life (holy smokes, that shit is hard). And I'm trying to find a way to balance everything else with that.

I know I have to prioritize, but it's hard when everything feels like it needs to be done right now and yet I never make the time to actually decide what to do first.  And so that's what this blog post is, me working through my thoughts.

After those things that must absolutely be done (bills, etc), I want to make a little more time to stay in touch with my friends. But I've realized over the past few weeks that what I most need to do right now is to get my house in better order.  A couple of weeks ago, I swept and scrubbed my screened-in porch, put out my new outdoor furniture, bought a fern and a outdoor rug and transformed a slightly junky space into a comfortable and inviting living space.  Combined with the landscaping I had done last summer, my backyard is now the only part of my house that is close to the way I want it. When I spend time out there, I feel content. The few minutes or hours I spend out there each day feeds my soul. It's not just the flowers and the sound of the water and all the birds flocking to our feeders, it's the fact that it's a beautiful space and it's OUR beautiful space, that we made as a family. I know that my house doesn't have to be perfect for me to feel that way indoors, but I would like it to be a little more put together (notice I didn't say neat - I'm not expecting that anytime soon!)  I can't afford to do all that I want to, but I can get organized.  I started with my closet - I got rid of everything that is out of fashion, worn out, never worn, too big, too small or too ugly.  When I was done, I was left with a very small selection of things I can wear now, things I can wear in the winter, and things I love that I may be able to wear if I lose another 10 pounds.

It's amazing how much less stressed I feel when picking out clothes.  And how much less stressed I feel when walking in my closet.  It's a neat little oasis in the disaster that is the rest of my house.

My parents are here for the next week, and I'm going to try to use them being here this weekend to get things done that I can't with Zachary underfoot - mainly cleaning out my garage and the storage closet upstairs.  (When I moved in last year, a lot of things just got shoved where they would fit. I imagine I don't actually need most of those things.)

So that's my goal for the summer - to get all the junk in my house sorted, organized, put into use or donated to someone who can use it.  I think it really will take me all summer. But then I can start the fall with an organized house, and maybe I can then find the energy to tackle some of my other projects.

As for this blog...I'm feeling my way around that.  As Finn gets older, I feel more of a responsibility to protect his privacy.  And yet I still feel like I belong here, that I have a story to tell that belongs here. I just need to find the time to tell it. So please don't give up on me as I figure out how to fit this into the rest of the craziness that is my life these days.

It's a beautiful craziness - more wonderful and hectic and terrifying than I ever imagined it could be. And to think - it just gets better from here.

#Microblog Mondays - Last Day to Be 3!

Somehow it's May 11th, and tomorrow Finn will be 4 years old.

He's alternated between absolute excitement and joy "I can't wait another minute!" to wistful sadness "I don't want to turn 4, I want to stay 3."  It's unexpected, seeing my feelings about this day so perfectly mirrored in my child.

I'm going to miss the sweetness of Finn as a 3 year old.  I'm exhausted from the sassiness and limit testing of Finn as a 3 year old.  I'm looking forward to what life with Finn as a 4 year old will be.

Tonight I'm going to go watch my 3 year old as he sleeps.  Drink in the yummy smell of him, watch his toes wiggle in his sleep, and kiss his soft, smooth cheek.  Then once again, thank God and the universe for giving me this beautiful, blue and brown eyed boy to call my son.

Not sure what Microblog Monday is?  Check out this post here! 

#MicroblogMondays - Family Dinner

Ever since we've been in our new house, we've had dinner at the kitchen counter.  It's great for convenience as I clean up after dinner and Finn takes an hour to finish eating.  But now that Zachary is getting older (but not yet old enough to sit at the counter with us), it feels like he's being left out of family dinner, even though his high chair is right next to us.  And for some reason, sitting next to each other seems to make it easier to not talk as much, and for my wandering eyes to catch sight of my phone and be tempted into checking my email. While we're eating at the same time, it just doesn't feel like family dinner.

So today, I decided to have dinner at our dining room table.  Finn and I cooked dinner together; he cracked the eggs and scrambled them while I chopped tomatoes and heated up the skillet.  Then he and Zachary shared a stool to watch as I sauteed the garlic, then the tomatoes and then the spinach (wish I could have gotten a picture of that, but there was no way I was leaving the two of them next to the open flames for even a second!), and supervised as I poured the eggs on top.

I then had just enough time to fix everyone's fruit and drinks before the frittata was done, all the while dealing with a fussy toddler who wanted to be held, but then got mad when I picked him up.

Then we all sat down together to eat as a family. Finn declared the dinner delicious. Zachary tried hard to use his fork. Finn and Zach "talked" to each other as we ate, and Finn talked more to me than usual when he realized that Zach was paying attention. I was really surprised at how much fun it was for all of us.  There are going to be days where it's just not practical, or that I'll need to move them back to the kitchen to finish up while I clean up, but we're definitely going to do it more often.

Though hopefully next time it won't end with Zachary spilling Finn's very full glass of milk all over the floor and then slipping in it.

Closing a Chapter

I went out of town for work on Friday and didn't get home until after the boys were asleep last night. At bedtime tonight, I had a moment's hesitation as I made Zachary's bottle. Was I really prepared to give him a bottle instead of offering him the breast?  Was I really going to do this?

I reminded myself that he probably hasn't been getting much as it is; I'm back to wearing my pre-pregnancy bras, Thursday night AF decided to come back for a visit after a very welcome 2 year absence, and (most telling) after two nights of not breast feeding, I'm feeling not even the slightest hint of discomfort.

And so I gave him his bottle and then held him close to me for a few minutes after he'd finished, and sobbed the entire time.  Zachary didn't seem to notice, and certainly didn't ask to nurse. Though he did pat my back when I held him to me before putting him in his crib, which made me cry even more.

I'm not sad because I loved nursing so much - instead it's just the fact that this is the end of a chapter in our lives.  And endings always make me sad.  Especially an ending like this.  Because if I were married, I wouldn't be ending this chapter just yet.  I've always wanted a big family and always imagined having 3 or 4 kids, if not more. As a single mom, I'm not sure I even really truly want 3 kids, but I keep thinking of my embryo in storage. I look at Zachary and think about that embryo and wonder if it's possible that embryo could be a kid that's as spectacular as he is, and then feel the ache of not knowing this child, too.  

I know that two kids is all I can realistically handle on my own.  I can't imagine how on earth I'd handle the demands of 3 young children and my job. I'm not sure where I'd put a third child in my house.  And looking forward, I have plans to travel with the boys when they're older.  And that would be just about impossible, both logistically and financially.

And so this day, the end of breastfeeding my younger child, is also when I am facing the reality that our family is complete, and that there will be no more pregnancies, no more snuggly newborns and no more lazy nursing sessions with a fuzzy headed little body.

It's also the day I get my body back.

And it's also the day I wrote a check to my clinic for another year's storage for my remaining little embryo.

Apparently I can't quite let go.  Not just yet.

Time to Get Healthy

For the past 5+ years I've been preparing to get pregnant, actively trying to get pregnant, pregnant or nursing.  Come to think of it, my initial consult with my RE was 6 years ago next month. So almost 6 years.  In all likelihood, in one week I will stop nursing Zachary, and that part of my life will be closed.  I'll no longer worry how the food and drink I'm consuming are affecting my egg quality/growing fetus/nursing baby.  I'll no longer have to stop and question every supplement, medication or vitamin that I take.  I'll no longer have TTC, pregnancy and nursing to blame for my expanded waistline - and since Zachary is over a year old, I can't even really use the "I just had a baby excuse."

I've been trying to watch my diet for the past month or so, and I've added in some exercise, and managed to lose 10 pounds (which is the most I've ever lost in that amount of time, ever.  I really was eating pretty horribly).  But I've been stuck at 10 pounds, and I'm forced to admit that as much as I really want to lose weight, I'm not feeling as motivated as I did when I first started.  And then there's the Easter Candy.  I really have no self control around malted milk eggs and Peeps.

I've also come to realize what a huge role sleep plays in my overall sense of well being.  I had several months of really good sleep after night-weaning Zachary, but the past 2-3 weeks have been all out of kilter, with illnesses, teething and work stress.  I'm probably not as tired as I was 4 months ago, but I'm close.  And so I've been more short-tempered with the boys, less motivated at work and hungrier for junk food.  I know my lack of sleep is directly sabotaging my efforts to lose weight.

But here's the thing.  I want to lose weight so I can feel better about how I look, that's true.  But what's really most important is that I need to lose weight so I can be healthier.  I need to exercise so I can be healthier.  I need to eat more nutritious foods so I can be healthier. Because it's not just me anymore. I have two young sons, and I'm 43 years old.  I had gestational diabetes.  I have a family history of heart disease.  And I'm now seeing women my age who are very sick with chronic medical problems they brought upon themselves by not taking care of their bodies. And I realize that they could be me.  I could be them.

I owe it to my kids to be as healthy as I can.  When Finn is my age, I'll be 83.  I want to be alive then and in reasonably good health, able to enjoy my grandkids and not be a burden to my children.  Of course, there's nothing I can do to guarantee that, but there's definitely a lot I can do (or not do) to make it unlikely.

So perhaps it's time for me to start focusing on the truly important reasons why I need to healthy, and why I need to exercise regularly, and why I need to cut down on my sweets (not cut them out, just cut them down!)  Looking better in my clothes will be a nice side benefit, but somehow I think it'll be easier to do the right thing when I focus on my future with my boys instead of my waistline.

I'm holding myself accountable and pledging to check in here next month, before Finn's birthday, and report on how successful I've been.  I think I'll base my success on how many days I reach my health goals (2 servings of fruit a day and 3+ servings of vegetables), how many days of the week I exercised or met my steps goal, and lastly by how much weight I lose.

First step - go to bed early tonight, right after I make my lunch for tomorrow!

14 Months

Somehow, my Zachary is 14 months old today.

He continues to be a big kid - he's wearing clothes now that Finn wore when he was two, and he weighs about 5 pounds less than Finn does now.  This kid loves to eat - I keep waiting for the typical toddler decrease in appetite to hit, but it hasn't yet.  I'm trying to make sure he gets plenty of vegetables with each meal to help fill him up because really, he just can't need that much food! He's chunky, but he is really tall, too, so it does balance out.

He's still nursing at bedtime (and holy cow, nursing a toddler is different than nursing a baby!) though I'm not too sure how much he's actually getting.  I'm going out of town without the kids again next weekend for work, and will be gone two nights.  I've gone two nights without nursing before and had absolutely no discomfort, so I'm thinking this time I might try not nursing him when I get back and see how he - ok, we - do with it.

While he and Finn can make each other laugh hysterically, he is so different from Finn.  He's very physical - he started walking 3 months earlier than Finn did, he loves to climb and has no fear.  We went to a party in the park last weekend for Easter, and Zachary was happy to run off into the crowd without me, something Finn would never have done at that age.

He is so quick with a smile and a laugh, and he still loves to give hugs and snuggles.  Recently he's discovered the little rocking chair on the back porch, and is frequently content to sit and rock, just taking it all in.

He's starting to figure out how things work and where things go.  He puts his dirty diapers in the Diaper Genie and his dirty clothes in the hamper with no prompting.  It's his job to close the baby gate at the top of the stairs when we come upstairs, and he never forgets.  He can go into the pantry and get a baby food pouch when he's hungry, and knows when alarm beeps in the morning it means Nanny M has arrived.

One thing he's not doing is talking.  At this age Finn had 15 words.  Zachary has none.  His receptive language is good, and getting better all the time, and he can follow simple commands. For a few weeks he was signing "more" but then he stopped.  I was trying to get him to sign more when he clearly wanted more food the other night and he refused.  He finally gave in and signed "please" but hasn't done even that since.  He is very vocal, and is incredibly conversational with his babbling, but the only sound he makes that is consistent is something that sounds like "TA-do" that I think is thank you, as he says it whenever someone gives him something.

I know all kids develop on different schedules, so I'm not overly worried, but I do want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to promote his language development.  I've taken to naming things as he points to them, and trying to keep my sentences short and simple when I talk to him.  I think I'll continue with the signing - if I'm consistent with it, he may pick it back up again.

It's funny, how much simpler this age seems now than it did when it was just me and Finn.  My relationship with Finn now has so much more dimension to it, is so much more complex than my relationship with him at 14 months, or with Zachary now.  Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying watching Zachary grow, and quite honestly, the simplicity of his needs and our relationship is a wonderful balance to my relationship with Finn.

I get to wake up Big Brother!