No Drama (a work in progress)

Thanksgiving Turkey

I continue to be amazed at what a growing and learning experience being a parent is.  I'd never thought that I'd have to work through some of my own issues in order to be the kind of mom I want to be. And yet much of my interactions with my boys are directly influenced by my own baggage, my own insecurities and my sometimes difficult to control temper.  This is hard work.  Really hard.  And I'm not doing as well with it as I'd like.

I know what I don't want to do (yell, give ridiculous threats, spank) but I often get frustrated and then more angry because I just don't know what else to do.  I've written before about some of the parenting resources and books I've found that have helped me discover the kind of mom I want to be, but even though I understand the theories, and really relate to the concepts, I've found myself struggling with the practicalities of how to actually implement the techniques.

Last week I started listening to another book, No-Drama Discipline, and I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere.  It's full of concrete examples of how to connect and then discipline. I'm beginning to be able to let go of worry of what others may think of my parenting choices.  I finally truly understand how empathic parenting is not the same thing as permissive parenting.  And I'm actually seeing that I'm making some progress with helping Finn deal with some of his strong emotions while strengthening our bond, instead of straining it.

Yesterday morning was the first time I had a really tough situation with Finn turn into something great, and I'm so ridiculously happy, because it was such a struggle, but the struggle worked.  It might seem silly, but I have to share it.

While I was getting ready, Finn was putting water on a comb, and combing his own hair.  He was getting more and more irritated with something, I couldn't tell what, until finally I said, "You seem frustrated." "Don't talk to me!" he said, "Don't say that to me!" "Ok, well, I'm here if you need me."

A few minutes later he let out a screech of frustration, threw the comb up in the air and went running out of the room.  I followed him down the hall and into the doorway of his room.

"You seem upset."

"Don't talk to me!  Don't say that to me!" (so far, he seems to get really upset when I name his emotions - can't tell why that is)

Ok.  I thought about what I should do with that.  "Can you talk about it?  Tell me what's upset you? Maybe I can help."

"No, no, no! Don't talk to me!" He stomped around his room crying, while I sat in the doorway.  He was getting even more upset instead of less upset, and I wasn't quite sure what to do to help him calm down. If this took too much longer I was going to be late for work, and so I was tempted to just leave him. But I didn't want him to think I was going to abandon him whenever his emotions got out of his control.

So instead I sat there.  I tried to speak to him a few more times, but it just seemed to make him angrier.  Then I saw the cat down the hallway.  So I spoke to her.  "Zaphira, Finn is having a hard time.  I think he needs a little mommy love, but he's too upset to let me help."

"I don't want your love!" he said and walked behind the door.

"That's ok.  I still love you, no matter what.  And I'm right here."

He started to slowly close the door.  He paused when the door was almost closed and came to stand in the open doorway, and just looked at me.  "I'm right here.  I'm not going to leave you alone when you are so upset.  I'm here."

He walked out of sight into his room.  I sat there for what seemed like an hour, but was probably only a minute.  And then I heard him.  "Mommy." There was so much emotion in that one word.  And suddenly he was through the door and in my lap, hugging me tightly around the neck.  He then took a deep breath and said, "Let me tell you what happened."

Turns out he kept getting his neck wet when he was trying to comb his hair with the wet comb. When he calmed down, we talked about how he could have handled his frustration without getting so mad, and then together we walked back to my bathroom so I could show him how to comb his hair without getting wet, and then get back to the business of getting ready for work.

It was a little interaction, but the rest of our morning was fun and free of drama. I got huge hugs and kisses before I left for work, and started off the day feeling happy, instead of feeling like a failure.

I'm still working hard on getting it right, but it's nice to feel like I'm on the right track.  Finally.

Fleeting Moments

Finn brought a cold home with him from our Thanksgiving weekend at the beach.  I can hear him snoring and snorting from here - he's in my bed, because he doesn't feel well and wanted to sleep with me.  In the meantime, Zachary decided (for the second night in a row) that he didn't want to sleep, despite the fact that he's clearly exhausted, and showing the first signs of his brother's cold.

I'm behind on work, need to take out the garbage, am tired, grumpy and then my damn cat wouldn't stop howling (she's feeling neglected because we were gone this weekend, and clearly as irritated as I am that Zachary wouldn't go to sleep).  All the recipe for a mommy meltdown.

So I put Z on the floor, made myself a huge bowl of ice cream with chocolate sauce and turned on HGTV.  I'd calmed down enough once the ice cream was finished to pick up Zachary and cuddle his soft and pudgy body against my chest.  It took 20 minutes for him to finally relax enough to close his eyes (while the damn cat continued to howl - what the hell?) and then another 10 minutes for his body to fully fall asleep, and start that sweet little twitching babies do when they first start to dream at night.

I felt his little body move and remembered the countless nights I held Finn until he relaxed into sleep the same way.  Those nights seemed like they'd never end, and yet I can't remember the last night Finn needed me to rock him to sleep.  I ran my hand over Zachary's chubby belly and marveled yet again at his soft baby skin, the warm puff of his breath on my arm, and the sweet curve of his lips.  I took a mental picture of this perfect moment...this perfect moment that was made possible by an incredibly frustrating evening.

My work isn't done.  The garbage is out, but my cyberMonday shopping didn't happen.  The dishes are clean, but they aren't put away.  It's over an hour past my self mandated bedtime and tomorrow is going to suck because I'm just so tired.

Tonight I'm thankful for sweet, fleeting little moments like this one to make all the bad stuff worth it.  Though I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to sleep.

Taking Care of Mommy

Much of the past few months have been a huge blur.  I feel constantly busy, but I'm not exactly sure what I'm so much busier with now than I was over the summer.  And I definitely never feel like I'm caught up.  I know I'll never really catch up, but I just feel so out of control of everything.

What's most obvious to me, though, is that I need to be taking more time for myself.  I need more sleep, I need a massage (I've had a crick in my neck for over a month), I need to get back to walking on the weekend.  I need a night out with friends and without kids.  If I could just manage to take better care of myself, I'd probably find that it would be a lot easier to juggle work and home life, and I might actually feel like I'm accomplishing things.

I'm painfully aware that this is not the first time I've said something like this.  But it hope it will get easier in January, when I change my hours at work just a little, so I will be finishing about 45 minutes earlier.  That 45 minutes should make it possible for me to do errands without the kids, to get in a quick workout a few days a week, and even get a massage with only having to pay the nanny for an hour of overtime.  I've found a few babysitters, too, so I need to use them and start planning a dinner or movie night every once in a while.

We're at the beach this weekend with my parents, and I managed about 30 minutes alone to walk on the beach yesterday.  I also went to bed an hour early last night, took a nap this afternoon, and plan on going to bed early tonight, too.  It's not much, but it's a start.

I have so much more to write, but if I'm going to go to bed on time, I'll have to save it for my next post.  I am almost a month behind on my daily pictures, so here are a bunch all at once again.

11/3/14: trying watermelon

11/4/14: brotherly love is close to brotherly torture

11/5/14: do I really have to eat this?

11/6/14: too tired to eat

11/7/14: sleeping boy

11/8/14: happy at Nanny M's wedding

11/9/14: happily enjoying dinner guests

11/10/14: another sleeping shot

11/11/14: caught playing with the dishes

11/12/14: caught climbing the stairs (I put up the baby gates not long after this picture was taken)

11/13/14: checking out the new stroller

11/14/14: there were better pictures, but I love how this shows Finn snooping in the freezer while Z is playing

11/15/14: visiting Target

11/16/14: behind the scenes at our family photo session

Traveling with Kids

Travel is one of my absolutely most favorite things to do.  I love exploring new places, turning points on a map into real places in my mind, shopping in new stores, finding cool things for my house or my Christmas tree and eating new foods (and surprising myself when I find something I like!)  I am really looking forward to sharing that love of travel with my boys, making sure they grow up with a concept of just how big and amazing the world is, and how people really are the same at heart no matter how different they may appear.

We traveled some when I was a kid - my dad was stationed in Germany, and we did some traveling in Europe.  I didn't appreciate the food, loved the outsides of castles (but thought the insides were boring), thrilled at the mountains and beautiful vistas, and remember my interactions with the locals with more clarity than anything else.  I think about those trips and wonder if my parents had fun, if my sister and I were well behaved or difficult, and wonder what made some trips so much more memorable to me than others.  And then I wonder what I can do to make our trips a success, to maximize the fun while minimizing the frustrations.

I learned a few things on our trip a couple of weeks ago, and I want to write them down (in no particular order) for future reference before I forget them.

Be Flexible and Listen
We had a full day at Disneyland with some friends, and early in the day we found ourselves rushing past rides and we went across the park, trying to make a show.  After the third time of me telling an increasingly disappointed Finn, "I promise, we'll come and ride this ride soon!" it occurred to me that he was not at all interested in the show.  He wanted rides. And so we rode.  He skipped, he hopped, he beamed with the thrill of it all.  We didn't see the show, but he loved every second of our day. When we were at Sea World, the rides were almost deserted and Finn was able to ride the Elmo ride over and over again, without getting off.  I was tired and dizzy, but he was in heaven, so I let him ride.  And ride.  And ride.  When I ask him now what his favorite part of Sea World was, he says without hesitation, "The Elmo ride!"  

Bring Food and Drinks
I actually learned this one from my friend Mindy when we were somewhere (Peru?) and hungry - she whipped out some peanut butter crackers and suddenly the world was a better place.  With kids, you can never have too many (healthy) snacks.  They'll always want something at the worst time, and huge meltdowns can be averted by quick access to a snack.  I'm so glad I learned this one from Mindy instead of from a hungry 3 year old.

Have Surprise Treats
I packed Finn's backpack with (cheap) little toys and games he'd never seen before, as I knew the iPad would only last for so long.  He loved all his surprises, and it made the flights much easier to bear.  The biggest hit were the $1 rolls of paper tape that he used to decorate his seat.

Bring Back Up
With kids this young, it's so much easier to have other adults around.  I think it's doable without another adult (though I wouldn't want to brave an airplane bathroom with a baby and a toddler at the same time), but so much easier with the extra pair(s) of hands.

There is no such thing as overpacking
I can pack light when I want to (I once went to Greece for 10 days with just a carry on).  But there is NO reason to pack light with young kids.  And don't forget extra clothes for yourself, both in your carry on and in your luggage.

Be Silly
Dress up. Wear silly wings that light up.  Have a light saber battle with your little pirate.  This is what you'll remember.

Don't Overschedule (or Be Flexible)
Have you ever tried to get a 3 year old to hurry?  It's miserable.  It's even worse on vacation.  We had crazy busy days, but we also managed a few days of relaxation, where we were in no hurry.  Those were the best days.  Yes, Disneyland was awesome.  The zoo was cool.  But the time at the park with friends I've known since before we had children, watching our kids play together?  That was the best.  Kids need downtime, and so do mommies. If you do like we did and overschedule, don't hesitate to change plans last minute.  

Take Time to Roast Marshmallows
Finn loved our s'mores roast - the thrill of being out after dark, of catching marshmallows on fire, digging his feet in the sand - it was a fun way to spend together that didn't involve running around and gave us time to just be together.  I'm looking forward to doing it again when Zachary is old enough to join in.  (It was a lot more fun once I embraced the stickiness and mess and just enjoyed it.)

Expect Craziness
Towards the end of the trip, I realized that toddler meltdowns are inevitable.  Baby meltdowns, too.  Water would be spilled, peanut butter smeared everywhere, fingers stepped on, ice cream dropped - and all of it was only a big deal if I let it be a big deal.  My kids follow my lead, and when I stayed calm and dealt with hassles with a sense of humor, they did, too.  (And when I didn't remain calm, their bad behavior just got worse.)

Embrace the Snuggles
It's been 6 months since I've had this much time with my boys.  It was heaven.  Even with the jet lag, we had a post-trip high that lasted until last weekend (which probably made that difficult Saturday even worse).  I'm sure that we would have loved having the same amount of time together if we'd stayed at home, but the fact that we were somewhere different (and I didn't have the distraction of all the things I should be doing) made it easier to really connect and not drive each other crazy.  

We have a few smaller scale trips coming up over the holidays, but I'm already planning our next big trips (while desperately hoping that Zachary turns out to be as good a traveler as Finn is).

Ouch.

Nanny M got married tonight.  It was a beautiful, simple ceremony at her mom's house, outside in the crisp fall air.  I didn't really know anyone, but Finn knows her immediate family well, and calls NannyM's mom NannyMaw.  Both her family and the groom's family were absolutely lovely, making a point of saying hi, talking to the boys, helping out when I needed it.  If her new husband's family is any indication, she married a good one.

wedding selfie

Weddings are always a little hard for me.  Much like baby showers were until a few years ago, they are a harsh reminder of what I don't have.  The wedding itself passed in a blur of me trying to keep two boys quiet, and then immediately after the wedding, Finn ran and played with the other kids while I held Zachary, made small talk now and then, and ate some food.  I felt alone, but not horribly awkward.

And then the dancing started.  The first song was of course the bride and groom.  I stood there in the dark, watching, and felt those usual wedding thoughts enter my mind.  Why haven't I ever met anyone that loves me enough to want to marry me?  Or that I love enough to want to marry? Am I that unloveable?

And then Finn came running up to me.  "Has the dance party started yet, Mommy?"  "No, Finn, not yet, there are a few dances first that we just watch."  "Let's not watch! Dance with me, Mommy."

So there in the grass, off to the side and in the dark, we danced, my two boys and I.  While they don't fill that desire to find a partner someday, they do very much make my heart full and whole.

If they story ended there, it would be lovely and sweet.  But then it was time to go. At the car, Finn burst into tears.  "I'm sad, I want to stay!"  I handled that fairly well, and he was happy by the time I was buckling him in and he was cheerful the drive home.  I'd considered driving around until he relaxed enough to fall asleep, but decided I was too tired to do that, so we came straight home.

During bedtime routine, the meltdowns started.  He'd calm down from one and another would start.  I could have dealt with the meltdowns if they were just about going back to the wedding.  But these were more.  "I want to go back to NannyMaw's house.  I don't like this house.  I don't want to stay here.  I want to go stay at NannyMaw's."

I know he was exhausted, but this is not the first time he's said he doesn't like this house. That makes me so sad, as I love this house and want him to be happy here and love it, too.  He's three, I'm sure it will come, and it may not even be that he doesn't really like this house.  But on the heels of an event that already makes me emotionally vulnerable, it sure hurts.

Catch Up Photo Dump

How is it November already?

It's been a crazy few weeks; if you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed a lot of travel pictures last week, and so not surprisingly the week or so before that was full of me trying to get way too much done before we left.  I think my new year's resolution for 2015 will be to find a way to work smarter so I don't feel so busy all the time...but that's a subject for another post!

I have lots of thoughts about traveling with kids and about our trip in particular, but I decided I need to get my picture posts out of the way, or I'll never catch up.  So today will be pictures from October 15-November 2 - that's a lot of pictures!  Thanks in advance if you actually take the time to look at all of them (hint: the best pictures are the second half!)

10/15/14: crawling in the backyard

10/16/14: patiently watching me get ready for work

10/17/14: yummy paper!

10/18/14: my boys with my favorite Aunt and Uncle

10/19/14: look who's pulling himself up!

10/20/14: my skeleton boys

10/21/14: he wears this look around his brother a lot

10/22/14: now patiently waiting while big brother gets ready for bed

10/23/14: this was the best picture I could get of the boys in their matching pjs

10/24/14: serving himself some milk

10/25/14: first flight!

10/25/14: hanging out at Aunt Jennie's

10/27/14: just before we left Z with his first babysitter for a night at Disneyland

10/28/14: exploring the empty hotel lobby while everyone else slept

10/29/14: the whole family at Hotel del Coronado

10/30/14: the main attraction in this picture is the peeing elephant behind us

10/31/14: poor baby - the only picture I have of him in his entire Halloween costume

11/1/14: at the beach 

11/2/14: back in his traveling clothes for the flight home