Settling In

Breakfast in the new house

I can not believe how absolutely exhausted I am.  Beyond exhausted.  And yet so full of gratitude for the blessings of wonderful friends who have made a difficult few weeks so much better than they could have been.

I somehow managed to forget how physically draining the last month of pregnancy can be.  Or maybe I didn't realize, because last time I had nothing going on and was able to rest every evening.  This time I had the move, a toddler, and I was on call (rounding at the hospital) all week this past week.  I worked on unpacking for about 2 hours this morning and was then so overwhelmed with feeling exhausted and horrible that I let Finn watch tv for 2 hours while I sprawled on the couch next to him.  I've taken it much easier the rest of the day, and while I didn't get even half the stuff on my list done, I feel much better, so I think I've made the right choice to be mostly lazy today.

The hardest thing about today was that I ran out of my long acting insulin last night - I had enough for about 1/3 of my dose.  I can't believe I did that, and yet I shouldn't be surprised, as I've felt like a zombie all week.  But my blood sugars did great until supper, when I overate just a little, and didn't take my lack of long acting insulin into account when I took a little mealtime insulin to cover the overeating.  And so my sugar has been high for 2 hours, and I'm feeling SO guilty.  These last two weeks are the time that determine how Chimi will do after delivery, and I hate that I've had a high blood sugar less than 13 days before his delivery.  I'll have to be absolutely perfect between now and delivery...I can do it!  I've gained one pound since the beginning of October, most (but not all) of my blood sugars are good, and in less than two weeks I can eat ANYthing I want.  I will be perfect for the next 13 days, and just suck it up.  But I still feel guilty about today.

Finn has adjusted really well to the new house.  He talks about our "little house" a little, but doesn't seem to miss it too much.  There's just so much room for him to run around, and now that most of his toys are unpacked, he's happy, despite the miserable weather making it hard to get outside. We've met some neighbors already, and I'm looking forward to better weather so we can meet more.  He has spent two entire nights in his bed, and when he does come to bed with me, it's rarely before 3am (much better than at the old house).  He was pretty sleep deprived when we first moved in, though, and I don't think he's settled in enough to get over that just yet.  I'm hoping he sleeps a little late in the morning and then naps well for me tomorrow, too, as that's all it would take to get him back on track, I think.

If I can keep up with just a box or two a day, I might just have the house at a point I can live with before Chimi arrives.

*The rest of this (very long) blog entry is more to help me remember the past few weeks - feel free to skip right over it, as it's probably not all that interesting to anyone but me.*

The short of how horrible the move was - the movers didn't finish packing my house on Thursday like they were supposed to do (and what they did pack was poorly labeled, if labeled at all, and frequently several different rooms objects were/are in one box).  So they had to pack on Friday, and as a result we didn't leave the old house until after 4pm, and after a much-too-long stop to empty my storage unit, we didn't get to the new house until 6:45pm.  Which means they left the new house at 11pm.  This from the highest rated moving company on Angi.e's Li.st.  At least they were until I put my review on there.

Unpacking has been a chore, complicated by the poor labeling of all the boxes, and the fact that Saturday morning after the move I realized that all the dining room furniture was in the wrong place, and so nothing from that room could be unpacked.  Since they labeled everything from the dining room as kitchen, there are a lot of partially opened boxes sitting around.

But here's the good part - Saturday morning two of my amazing coworkers (the other doctor who was taking her boards with me this past fall and the head of our diabetes center) showed up with breakfast and stayed ALL day to help me unpack.  We got just about everything in the kitchen put away (minus the still missing crockpot, aluminum foil and dish towels), as well as Finn's room and bathroom.  Another friend showed up in the late afternoon to make the process even easier, and we even rearranged boxes so the living space downstairs was useable.

The rest of the weekend and the next week was full of me gradually getting boxes in my bedroom unpacked, my bathroom settled, and then I decided that I'd move one piece of furniture from the living room to the dining room by myself.  A few dents and one huge bruise later, it was moved, and I was able to unpack a bunch more boxes.

And thanks to all this, I had a night of some fairly strong contractions and a lot of nausea, and decided that maybe I should not work quite so hard.

So the unpacking is going more slowly, but I'm making progress.  The same coworker who spent all of our first Saturday here came by with her husband last weekend and put together the crib, and today my assistant and one of the lab techs came with their big burly husbands to move the rest of the furniture in my dining room.  I still have a few projects I can't do on my own, but nothing that can't wait a few months.  And now I have things arranged so that I can get most of the boxes out of my living room and dining room over the next few days.  Maybe.

We Survived the Move!

The new house is a mess, the move was beyond horrible (worst moving experience I've ever had), and I'm absolutely exhausted, so rather than an update post, I'm just going to share something Finn said tonight.

I was giving him another serving of mac and cheese at dinner when he reached out to touch my tummy.  "Hi," he said, "I'm your big brother.  Are you ready to come out yet?"

*pause*

"Oh, ok."

And then he went back to eating.

I really hope the response he heard was, "Nope, I'm waiting until February 7th"!

Me, Finn and Chimi a couple of weeks ago

Moving Craziness

The packers are coming tomorrow morning to pack up everything, the Got Junk people are coming to take away a few things that I'm not moving and can't get a charity to come pick up (and don't have time or energy to try to sell) and Nanny M will be here coordinating all of that while I'm at work.

I wanted to have everything organized so that it would be easy for the movers to pack me up, and easy for me to unpack.  I do have a few things boxed and well organized, like nursing stuff, maternity clothes and my bathroom stuff.  But I still have about 3 hours of work left to do to get everything done that I wanted to get done.  As it's 10:30pm and I'm exhausted, that's just not going to happen, and I'm feeling so overwhelmed by that fact that I can't seem to do anything.  Which is why I'm blogging instead of working.

Time to focus! The reality is that whatever I don't get done tonight will still get packed by the movers anyway, it just may take me longer to find it when unpacking; I have a few friends coming to help me this weekend, but even if I were perfectly organized now, I would still not get everything unpacked before the baby comes, and, most importantly, I will be able to take a shower on Saturday morning, brush my teeth and have something to wear and to eat, as will Finn.

Now if I can just get Finn to stay in his bed, and my cat to stop annoying me with her irritating meow, I might be able to be productive long enough to get the bare essentials done and then go to sleep.

As soon as I sign off, I'm disconnecting my cable and internet so I can return everything to the cable company tomorrow, and as it is currently scheduled, I won't have service again until late next week.  I hope to be able to check in, but if I don't, it's not because of some disaster (well, I hope not, anyway!)

Have a good week, everyone!

Eleventh MRI

Simba got an ID band, too!

Today was Finn's eleventh MRI (at least I think it was #11, and I'm much too tired to go back and count them all to be sure).  Unlike previous MRIs, he wasn't scheduled until 10am, which was nice because we didn't have to get up early, but was hard because he couldn't eat or drink anything during that time.  So last night before bed I let him have a full cup of caffeine free Diet Coke (he usually only gets to sip mine, so this was a huge treat), encouraged him to drink a lot of milk and let him eat a big snack before bed.  All that seemed to work, as he didn't complain about being hungry and he was apparently an easy stick for the IV this time, as he didn't come out with needle marks all over him like he usually does.

Since he wasn't going for the MRI until 10, they had him do his ultrasound first (usually they do it after the MRI, when he's still sedated).  The ultrasound tech was incredibly nice, and said that he'd scanned Finn before, but always when he was asleep. Finn did not want to have anything to do with the ultrasound, though, so it took a lot of coaxing from both of us to get him to cooperate.  What finally worked was the tech suggesting that I put the probe on Finn's tummy first, and after that he was completely fine.

After the ultrasound was over, I told Finn to say thank you and he said, "Thank you for doing my ultrasound." So cute!

Surprisingly, we had almost no wait after that for the MRI.  The anesthesiologist was one we'd never had before, and he said he preferred doing the sedation without Versed (after the last guy pretty much refused to go without Versed).  So I walked with them to the door, but they wouldn't let me into the MRI room, so I had to leave him crying and upset, though the anesthesiologist reassured me that they were ready with the anesthesia and that he'd only cry for a minute.  THAT was AWFUL.

But the post-MRI experience was incredibly easy, without Versed on board.  Finn wasn't crying, though it was clear he had been before I got there (I'm pretty sure the nurse waited too long to call me post-scan) and he was very clear headed.  He told me they'd just taken something off his mouth that he didn't like because it made his mouth hurt but that it didn't hurt anymore, and that he wasn't scared. Oh, and that I couldn't pick him up until they got "all this stuff off me." It was harder for the nurse to check all his vitals than usual, as he cried about everything, even though nothing hurt, and then he really cried when they took off the tape to remove his IV.  But then he was pretty ok after that, and didn't seem upset at all with me holding him.

Right after we got to recovery

He was a trooper at the oncologist's office, too.  No crying or fussing at all, and was just incredibly cute with everyone, and aside from being just a little off balance, he was his normal self (thanks to some snacks and a little water). Again, no waiting, which is a great benefit of the later scan, though clearly they were staying through lunch just to see us.

We got the results just a few hours after we left the doctor's office - all look stable!  So we get a nice long break from MRIs - the next one won't be until August!  And then after that, we go to annual scans until he's 7.  That's a long time to follow this, but so wonderful to know that we've almost graduated to once a year scans.

My dad went with us, and it was so nice to have someone there with me, as well as to have someone who could carry Finn, since there's no way I could have done that much carrying right now.

Such a huge feeling of relief, every time one of these is over and the report is good.  A very, very good start to 2014!

2013 - A Year in Transit

It feels like all of 2013 has been a year in transit. Not transition, but actually transit, as almost everything I've done has been working towards something, rather than actually getting somewhere. And it's been a ridiculously long year as I'm pretty sure this pregnancy has lasted at least 18 months already.  When I look back, I can't believe how much has been crammed into one year.  I don't know that I can say 2013 has been a good year, but I've been very blessed this year, and I'm hopeful that everything that's happened this year is setting things up for an amazing 2014.

While awake in the middle of the night with some fun pregnancy insomnia a few nights ago, I made a mental list of all the big things that have happened this year, and I think I need to write them down here so I can remember what a crazy year this has been.

• Learned my last attempt at IUI hadn't worked, despite lots of supplements and dietary changes to promote fertility
• Decided to skip IVF with my OE due to low chance of it working, and made the decision to go with donor eggs
• Struggled with learning how to parent my two year old - it's still a challenge, but I feel like I've finally figured out a few things that work well with us, and am better able to avoid some of the meltdowns and fights that were so rough earlier in the year
• Said good-bye to my sweet Vagus on the same day that a sperm met an egg and became my Chimichanga
• Took lots of hormones to prepare for embryo transfer and was thrilled to get a BFP!
• Endured a miserable first trimester with bone deep fatigue and crippling nausea that felt like it would never end
• Was disappointed to learn that my second baby was going to be another boy, and then suddenly found myself having a hard time imagining life any other way, and feeling so happy and excited to be welcoming another boy into the family
• Studied long hours to recertify in endocrinology and then waited months before learning that I'd lucked out and managed to pass
• Decided that boards, a two year old, and pregnancy weren't enough to occupy me for the second half of the year, and signed a contract to build a house
• Today, the last day of the year, I officially closed on my new house!

For years I've dreamed of being the mom to two kids in a warm and inviting house in a nice little neighborhood.  I can't believe that as of next Friday I'll be in that house, and just 4 weeks later I'll be welcoming my second child into the world.  I know that there are going to be some really hard days ahead, and that 8 weeks from now I might be a frazzled, sleep deprived, sobbing mess with unwashed hair and two screaming children.  But even then, I'll be a contented, frazzled, sobbing mess. At least I hope I will be. I hope I can remember how much I've longed for this life, and I hope I can be patient with myself as a mom and a person as I learn to parent two children as a single mom.  

Wishing all of you a wonderful 2014, with love, happiness, fertility and children who sleep through the night.  

Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

This Christmas season has been magical.  Finn loves the lights, the tree, the music, the stories, the movies, and Fergus the Elf on the Shelf (who was moved more than once at 2am when I woke up and realized he wasn't moved yet).  Tonight as I picked him up to put him to bed, he wrapped his arms and legs around me, put his head on my shoulder and let me just hold him.  Then I said, "Merry Christmas, Finnegan" and he pulled his head back and said, "Merry Christmas to you, Mommy, I love you."

Best moment of the day.

We had a good day, but it could have been better and easier. I learned a lot today about how to manage a day like Christmas with a toddler.  Again, it wasn't a bad day, but it felt a lot more difficult than it needed to, if only I'd thought ahead.  I'm going to put it all in this post so I remember it next year.

The very first present he opened was a tool bench from my assistant - he immediately wanted to put it together and play with it.  My dad tried to argue with him, and that quickly led to tears, until I stepped in and told Finn he could play with whatever he wanted.  So Finn played while we opened gifts, and then he opened something else and played, and then he started to get grumpy, as it was now 1.5 hours after he normally eats breakfast and food was no where in sight.  My mom had planned a yummy post-presents breakfast of french toast casserole, eggs and bacon.  Perfect for an adult Christmas morning, but not when there's a toddler involved.  I grabbed him a snack, which he ate while busily working with his tools.  When we finally did eat breakfast, he wasn't really hungry for anything but bacon, but the break from gifts was a welcome one.  After breakfast, my parents kept pressuring him to open presents, and it was driving me crazy.  He was having a wonderful time, and we weren't working on any sort of timeline...I kept asking them them to just stop, but they just wouldn't listen.  He opened his last gift at 2pm, and played with everything, and that was just perfect.

Tool bench

Virginia football!

I then took him for a quiet time drive, and he napped just a little, and then we came home and enjoyed Christmas movies and more playing with his tool bench and his rocket launcher. At one point he came running at me and gave me a huge hug, "I love my rocket, Mommy!  Thank you for getting it for me."  I did remind him that it was from his Aunt Heidi, but I'm still pretty sure I'm getting the credit for this one.  We had a lovely Christmas dinner that (for a change) was early enough for Finn to be happy, and then our sweet, quiet bedtime.

Rocket launcher in action

So here's what I would have done differently, and what I plan to do next year.  First, I'll let him open a few more presents early.  All the gifts that get mailed by friends and family will be opened as they come, and we'll open a couple on Christmas Eve.  Then, on Christmas morning we'll have Santa gifts, followed by serving a breakfast of finger foods that we can eat while opening the rest of the gifts.  If my parents are here, I'll tell them that there is no rush on opening gifts, and that they are not to badger him to open more if he's happily playing with something.  This morning would have been fabulous if we'd had food while we opened gifts and I'd not had to intervene every time my parents tried to get him to open more presents.

I'll also make sure that he naps on Christmas Eve as well.  The drive today was a lesson learned from yesterday, and while all I really wanted was to nap myself, the drive was the only way to get him to have any sleep at all, and it made the rest of the day so much better.

This morning, Finn was disappointed to learn that Santa had come and gone and he didn't see him.  It never occurred to me that Finn would think he was going to see Santa, so next year I'll make sure he really understands.  He did cheer up a little when I told him that Santa had left him presents, and eaten  all his cookies.

What do you mean, Santa is gone?

I wanted to see him.

He left me presents?

I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and enjoyed some quality time with those who mean the most to you.  And for those of you still waiting, I hope that next year brings you your own miracles.

Crazily, Wonderfully, Exhaustingly Busy!

Busy seems to be the theme of my life this year, but right now it's a wonderful kind of busy.  It helps, I think, that earlier in the year the busy was unpleasant and stressful - it puts the craziness of right now in perspective.  It's nice, having a lot going on, but feeling full of anticipation and excitement about it, instead of soul-eating anxiety.

So, for the updates.  First - I found out this week that I passed my boards!  Such a huge relief!  I could not get the thought out of my mind that I'd failed and that I'd have to do the studying all over again, but this time with a toddler and an infant.  It's an amazing weight off my shoulder to know that I don't have to worry about boards again for another 10 years.

My house is moving right along - I visited today with my friend LB and her kids, and was amazed at the progress.  The countertops for the bathroom and the upstairs carpet still need to go in, along with a lot of finishing touches, a coat of paint, and cleaning - but it's really starting to look like a real house.  The kids had a wonderful time, running through the house like maniacs, and I started to really visualize where furniture is going to go and what it will be like to move in.  A lot of people commented on how big my house is - and it is, it's double the size of the house I'm in now.  But it's also the smallest model in the entire development, which for some reason had me thinking it's smaller than it really is.  Walking through it I'm reminded again that it is huge.  I'm going to have a lot of empty space for awhile, but after living so cramped the past few years, I think empty space is a good thing.

Move in date is fast approaching - my final walk through is scheduled for Christmas Eve, and closing is scheduled for New Year's Eve!  I have movers booked to pack us up on January 9th, and to move on the 10th.  In the meantime, I'm getting a few boxes here and there packed - next on my list is to box up newborn essentials like nursing pillows, breast pump, and that sort of thing.  The more I can get packed, the cheaper the move will be, but my first choice moving company actually gave me a quote that was less than I'd budgeted for, so I'm not going to stress about it.

I have a list of things I need to do before moving - big purchases to make, projects (like landscaping and having blinds installed) to arrange for - but I've realized that it all doesn't have to be done now, and while it's going to be hard, I think I can get everything done that needs to be done before we move, and the rest will fall into place after that.  At least I hope it does!

I start my twice a week OB appointments tomorrow (I'll have a biophysical profile one day, and a non-stress test the other), which are another side effect of my gestational diabetes.  I was annoyed at first, because I'm going to have to take so much time off from work because of these appointments.  But then I decided to just bring a book and enjoy the rare downtime while I can.

My c-section is scheduled for just under 8 weeks from now - I got the date I really wanted: 2/7/14.  Of course, Chimichanga may decide to come before then, but if all goes as planned, we'll have 4 weeks in the new house before bringing a new baby home.

Reading back over this post, I'm realizing just how profoundly my life is about to change.  It's wonderful.  Terrifying, but wonderful.  My upcoming move date is exactly one year to the date that I got the BFN after my last failed IUI cycle.

What a difference a year makes.

(I feel like I need to add the disclaimer that I'm aware that a LOT could happen to derail these plans, but I've decided to stick my head in the sand and ignore those worries and just enjoy the craziness instead!)

Gestational Diabetes

My trusty Dexcom sensor

You may remember that I started myself on insulin back in July, before I'd even seen my OB, because my morning blood sugars were running high.  My sugars were weird from the very beginning, so I've intermittently been wearing a continuous glucose sensor to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and was lucky enough for the first two trimesters to be able to eat just about anything I wanted to.  But at 24 or so weeks that changed and I became very restricted with my diet. Last week I finally switched my insulin from NPH to the newer, longer acting Levemir - and wow has it made a difference.  I'm constantly wearing my sensor now, and am amazed at how much better my blood sugars look, and so happy that I've been able to add some things (like fruit) back into my diet.

Dealing with this for the past few months has given me such a different perspective on managing my patients with gestational diabetes, both from a diet and medication standpoint, as well as from a personal interaction standpoint.  We've been taught that the best way to manage diet is to follow what's known as the Jovanovic diet, and for many women that does work best. But I have discovered that my sugars do much better with following the similar 3 meals and 3 snacks a day regimen as is prescribed with the diet, but with less carbs at lunch and supper.  I have a better idea of when NPH insulin works, and when Levemir is better.  And I know firsthand what it's like to look a donut in the face and think, "Is this food worth the health of my baby?"

Damn, it's hard to follow this diet!  Intellectually I knew that, but it is so much different to live it.  And I'm lucky enough to really understand the diet and insulin before getting the diagnosis (or should I say, giving myself the diagnosis), so I didn't need lots of training. I have access to things like a continuous sensor (I now can't imagine having insulin requiring diabetes without having a sensor!), and other endocrinologists and diabetes educators to bounce ideas off as I've tried to manage my sugars the past few weeks.  I think it's much easier for me than it is the average patient, and yet it's still frustrating.  I hope that this experience makes it easier for me to help my patients; I know that it has already made it easier for my patients to accept my recommendations once I share with them that I also have GDM, and that I'm also taking insulin.

I haven't eaten Fruity Pebbles in years, and yet that's all I think about when someone asks me what I want to eat.  Fruity Pebbles, PopTarts, Oreos, donuts, Peeps, milkshakes (I had one almost every day of my 3rd trimester with Finn), bagels, pasta and pizza all dominate my daydreams.  I cannot wait to be able to eat whatever I want to once this baby boy is finally born.

But on the bright side - I've eaten so much healthier this pregnancy than I did with Finn. I have a leafy green salad for lunch every day, I'm eating tons of veggies and a reasonable amount of fruit.  And I've actually lost two pounds in the past month.  I'm pretty sure that while I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than I did my last pregnancy, I'm now just a few pounds over where I was at this point with Finn.  While my stomach has gotten bigger, the rest of me has not, and that has been really lovely.

Is it wrong that one of the main reasons I hope I can exclusively breastfeed again this time is so that I can eat whatever I want and still lose weight?