Merry Christmas!

Christmas Eve

This Christmas season has been magical.  Finn loves the lights, the tree, the music, the stories, the movies, and Fergus the Elf on the Shelf (who was moved more than once at 2am when I woke up and realized he wasn't moved yet).  Tonight as I picked him up to put him to bed, he wrapped his arms and legs around me, put his head on my shoulder and let me just hold him.  Then I said, "Merry Christmas, Finnegan" and he pulled his head back and said, "Merry Christmas to you, Mommy, I love you."

Best moment of the day.

We had a good day, but it could have been better and easier. I learned a lot today about how to manage a day like Christmas with a toddler.  Again, it wasn't a bad day, but it felt a lot more difficult than it needed to, if only I'd thought ahead.  I'm going to put it all in this post so I remember it next year.

The very first present he opened was a tool bench from my assistant - he immediately wanted to put it together and play with it.  My dad tried to argue with him, and that quickly led to tears, until I stepped in and told Finn he could play with whatever he wanted.  So Finn played while we opened gifts, and then he opened something else and played, and then he started to get grumpy, as it was now 1.5 hours after he normally eats breakfast and food was no where in sight.  My mom had planned a yummy post-presents breakfast of french toast casserole, eggs and bacon.  Perfect for an adult Christmas morning, but not when there's a toddler involved.  I grabbed him a snack, which he ate while busily working with his tools.  When we finally did eat breakfast, he wasn't really hungry for anything but bacon, but the break from gifts was a welcome one.  After breakfast, my parents kept pressuring him to open presents, and it was driving me crazy.  He was having a wonderful time, and we weren't working on any sort of timeline...I kept asking them them to just stop, but they just wouldn't listen.  He opened his last gift at 2pm, and played with everything, and that was just perfect.

Tool bench

Virginia football!

I then took him for a quiet time drive, and he napped just a little, and then we came home and enjoyed Christmas movies and more playing with his tool bench and his rocket launcher. At one point he came running at me and gave me a huge hug, "I love my rocket, Mommy!  Thank you for getting it for me."  I did remind him that it was from his Aunt Heidi, but I'm still pretty sure I'm getting the credit for this one.  We had a lovely Christmas dinner that (for a change) was early enough for Finn to be happy, and then our sweet, quiet bedtime.

Rocket launcher in action

So here's what I would have done differently, and what I plan to do next year.  First, I'll let him open a few more presents early.  All the gifts that get mailed by friends and family will be opened as they come, and we'll open a couple on Christmas Eve.  Then, on Christmas morning we'll have Santa gifts, followed by serving a breakfast of finger foods that we can eat while opening the rest of the gifts.  If my parents are here, I'll tell them that there is no rush on opening gifts, and that they are not to badger him to open more if he's happily playing with something.  This morning would have been fabulous if we'd had food while we opened gifts and I'd not had to intervene every time my parents tried to get him to open more presents.

I'll also make sure that he naps on Christmas Eve as well.  The drive today was a lesson learned from yesterday, and while all I really wanted was to nap myself, the drive was the only way to get him to have any sleep at all, and it made the rest of the day so much better.

This morning, Finn was disappointed to learn that Santa had come and gone and he didn't see him.  It never occurred to me that Finn would think he was going to see Santa, so next year I'll make sure he really understands.  He did cheer up a little when I told him that Santa had left him presents, and eaten  all his cookies.

What do you mean, Santa is gone?

I wanted to see him.

He left me presents?

I hope you all have had a wonderful holiday season and enjoyed some quality time with those who mean the most to you.  And for those of you still waiting, I hope that next year brings you your own miracles.

Crazily, Wonderfully, Exhaustingly Busy!

Busy seems to be the theme of my life this year, but right now it's a wonderful kind of busy.  It helps, I think, that earlier in the year the busy was unpleasant and stressful - it puts the craziness of right now in perspective.  It's nice, having a lot going on, but feeling full of anticipation and excitement about it, instead of soul-eating anxiety.

So, for the updates.  First - I found out this week that I passed my boards!  Such a huge relief!  I could not get the thought out of my mind that I'd failed and that I'd have to do the studying all over again, but this time with a toddler and an infant.  It's an amazing weight off my shoulder to know that I don't have to worry about boards again for another 10 years.

My house is moving right along - I visited today with my friend LB and her kids, and was amazed at the progress.  The countertops for the bathroom and the upstairs carpet still need to go in, along with a lot of finishing touches, a coat of paint, and cleaning - but it's really starting to look like a real house.  The kids had a wonderful time, running through the house like maniacs, and I started to really visualize where furniture is going to go and what it will be like to move in.  A lot of people commented on how big my house is - and it is, it's double the size of the house I'm in now.  But it's also the smallest model in the entire development, which for some reason had me thinking it's smaller than it really is.  Walking through it I'm reminded again that it is huge.  I'm going to have a lot of empty space for awhile, but after living so cramped the past few years, I think empty space is a good thing.

Move in date is fast approaching - my final walk through is scheduled for Christmas Eve, and closing is scheduled for New Year's Eve!  I have movers booked to pack us up on January 9th, and to move on the 10th.  In the meantime, I'm getting a few boxes here and there packed - next on my list is to box up newborn essentials like nursing pillows, breast pump, and that sort of thing.  The more I can get packed, the cheaper the move will be, but my first choice moving company actually gave me a quote that was less than I'd budgeted for, so I'm not going to stress about it.

I have a list of things I need to do before moving - big purchases to make, projects (like landscaping and having blinds installed) to arrange for - but I've realized that it all doesn't have to be done now, and while it's going to be hard, I think I can get everything done that needs to be done before we move, and the rest will fall into place after that.  At least I hope it does!

I start my twice a week OB appointments tomorrow (I'll have a biophysical profile one day, and a non-stress test the other), which are another side effect of my gestational diabetes.  I was annoyed at first, because I'm going to have to take so much time off from work because of these appointments.  But then I decided to just bring a book and enjoy the rare downtime while I can.

My c-section is scheduled for just under 8 weeks from now - I got the date I really wanted: 2/7/14.  Of course, Chimichanga may decide to come before then, but if all goes as planned, we'll have 4 weeks in the new house before bringing a new baby home.

Reading back over this post, I'm realizing just how profoundly my life is about to change.  It's wonderful.  Terrifying, but wonderful.  My upcoming move date is exactly one year to the date that I got the BFN after my last failed IUI cycle.

What a difference a year makes.

(I feel like I need to add the disclaimer that I'm aware that a LOT could happen to derail these plans, but I've decided to stick my head in the sand and ignore those worries and just enjoy the craziness instead!)

Gestational Diabetes

My trusty Dexcom sensor

You may remember that I started myself on insulin back in July, before I'd even seen my OB, because my morning blood sugars were running high.  My sugars were weird from the very beginning, so I've intermittently been wearing a continuous glucose sensor to make sure I wasn't missing anything, and was lucky enough for the first two trimesters to be able to eat just about anything I wanted to.  But at 24 or so weeks that changed and I became very restricted with my diet. Last week I finally switched my insulin from NPH to the newer, longer acting Levemir - and wow has it made a difference.  I'm constantly wearing my sensor now, and am amazed at how much better my blood sugars look, and so happy that I've been able to add some things (like fruit) back into my diet.

Dealing with this for the past few months has given me such a different perspective on managing my patients with gestational diabetes, both from a diet and medication standpoint, as well as from a personal interaction standpoint.  We've been taught that the best way to manage diet is to follow what's known as the Jovanovic diet, and for many women that does work best. But I have discovered that my sugars do much better with following the similar 3 meals and 3 snacks a day regimen as is prescribed with the diet, but with less carbs at lunch and supper.  I have a better idea of when NPH insulin works, and when Levemir is better.  And I know firsthand what it's like to look a donut in the face and think, "Is this food worth the health of my baby?"

Damn, it's hard to follow this diet!  Intellectually I knew that, but it is so much different to live it.  And I'm lucky enough to really understand the diet and insulin before getting the diagnosis (or should I say, giving myself the diagnosis), so I didn't need lots of training. I have access to things like a continuous sensor (I now can't imagine having insulin requiring diabetes without having a sensor!), and other endocrinologists and diabetes educators to bounce ideas off as I've tried to manage my sugars the past few weeks.  I think it's much easier for me than it is the average patient, and yet it's still frustrating.  I hope that this experience makes it easier for me to help my patients; I know that it has already made it easier for my patients to accept my recommendations once I share with them that I also have GDM, and that I'm also taking insulin.

I haven't eaten Fruity Pebbles in years, and yet that's all I think about when someone asks me what I want to eat.  Fruity Pebbles, PopTarts, Oreos, donuts, Peeps, milkshakes (I had one almost every day of my 3rd trimester with Finn), bagels, pasta and pizza all dominate my daydreams.  I cannot wait to be able to eat whatever I want to once this baby boy is finally born.

But on the bright side - I've eaten so much healthier this pregnancy than I did with Finn. I have a leafy green salad for lunch every day, I'm eating tons of veggies and a reasonable amount of fruit.  And I've actually lost two pounds in the past month.  I'm pretty sure that while I started out this pregnancy 10 pounds heavier than I did my last pregnancy, I'm now just a few pounds over where I was at this point with Finn.  While my stomach has gotten bigger, the rest of me has not, and that has been really lovely.

Is it wrong that one of the main reasons I hope I can exclusively breastfeed again this time is so that I can eat whatever I want and still lose weight?

Christmas Traditions

I had it in mind that this year we'd start all sorts of Christmas traditions.  We'd do crafts, we'd go to all the usual Christmas activities, we'd have hot chocolate, take pictures and make amazing memories.

What I'd forgotten in this fantasy of sugar plums dancing in our heads was that Finn is a toddler.  Just leaving the house can be a struggle of epic proportions. He can make putting a shirt on so hard that I want to just give up and let him go naked. How on earth can we accomplish any of these amazing things on my Christmas list without every single one of them turning into a nightmare?

And then one of my SMC friends shared this article: To Mamas of Littles During the Holidays.  The entire thing is great, but there are a few lines that had the biggest impact for me.

Your small people who make everything hard? Because God is a gracious God to us tired mamas, they won’t remember this. They won’t remember that you yelled yesterday. They also won’t remember the Elf on the Shelf or the terrifying visit to Santa’s lap from your list of Fun Things To Accomplish. Nope. They’re just going to remember a warm, fuzzy, maybe slightly squishy version of Mama. They’re going to remember you were THERE. 

So I've given myself permission to not do all those activities.  We'll still make cookies, but only if we're both in good moods, and when I'm prepared for a long activity with a huge mess and lots of "I want to do it, all. by. myself." We'll try for the picture with Santa, but if he says he doesn't want it (like he did last week), then we'll skip it. Today when I'd planned to get all the Christmas decorating done, we made it through getting the tree up, but no ornaments, and got one box of decorations out.  Then Finn started to get difficult, so we put on a Christmas movie for 15 minutes, then went outside, and left the rest for me to do tonight.  Or tomorrow.

Playing with his Christmas train

We had a lovely bedtime - we read Christmas stories, sang a few Christmas songs (he's been waiting and waiting for Thanksgiving just so he could listen to Christmas music!) and cuddled a bit before bed. He's still awake, mainly because I broke my rule and let him nap for 2 hours instead of 1, but because we didn't have epic struggles over broken ornaments and placement of the Nativity Scene, I've got the patience not to yell at him, and he will hopefully remember a cuddly evening with his slightly squishy mommy.

Now I'm continuing my personal Christmas tradition, and have Love Actually playing, which means it's time to get up and trim the tree.

Name and House Updates

Thank you for all the great name suggestions!  There were a lot I liked and a few I loved, but with every single one I thought, "I still like Zachary better."  So while it's not set in stone, I'm pretty sure it's going to be his name.  (Oh, and Isis was right, I do have a nephew named Oliver.  Finn and Ollie are VERY cute together!)

I'm still stuck on a middle name, though.  I don't have any one who I'd like to name him after, but I still really want a name that has meaning.  I like the idea of finding a name that has a meaning I really like, so I'll be spending some time on the baby name websites looking for one syllable names with a sound and meaning that I really like.

(Though in the back of my mind, I'm still thinking of Sawyer as a first name.  But Finn and Sawyer?  That's just a little too Mark Twain.  Right?)

****

My new house is still being built at record speed.  The drywall is up, and they started on the siding a few days ago.  I can't believe how much has changed in just a few short weeks.  If they can continue to work at this pace, it really will be ready by the end of the year (which is next month, can you believe it?)

Finn standing in the kitchen wondering where the sink is

Once I move, I'm really going to have to work on expanding my social circle.  I'm not very good at doing that, as I tend to be very reserved when I first meet people, and that doesn't make it easy to develop new friendships.  I hope it will be easier when there are children involved, but I think I'm going to have to work on not being so reserved when I first meet people...without seeming overly enthusiastic and scaring them off.  I'm so jealous of people who are naturals at the whole social scene thing.

Names Names Names

It's been brought to my attention that Chimichanga is not a name that grows with a boy, and that perhaps I should consider an alternative.  (Though really, what's not to love about a boy named Chimi?)

This is hard.  For years I've know that if I had a son, his name would be Finnegan.  And while I wasn't 100% set on a name, I was pretty sure if I had a daughter she'd be either Katherine (Kate) or Alexandra (Alex) with the middle name Marget (which is a combination of my two grandmother's names).  But I never considered what name I'd go with if I had two boys!  And now I have a few names I like, but I've not yet been able to settle on one.  It might be that I won't know his name for sure until he's born, but I'd really like to come up with one now - especially since there are some personalized things I'd like to buy for both boys this holiday season.

And so I'm looking for some suggestions, as I want to be sure there's not a name out there that I just haven't thought of yet.  Maybe I haven't heard the right name yet and I'll know as soon as I hear it. Or maybe I've already decided on the right name and I just don't know it yet.  And I'm open to suggestions for both first and middle names!

My last name is two syllables, and I think names that are either 1 or 3 syllables sound best with it.  My top contender right now is Zachary - I like the way it sounds with my last name, and I like the sound of Finn and Zach (or Zack?)  I was looking for a cool Irish name, but there's just nothing I love, at least not that I've heard yet.  So Zachary is my top choice right now, though I like Nicholas, too.

I have no contenders at all for a middle name.  None.  I feel like the middle name should be the name that holds some significance for me, but I just haven't thought of anything.  I'm just not feeling creative at all! Maybe that's what's holding me back from going with Zachary, as I can't figure out what goes with it.

Suggestions, please?  Unusual, cool, funky or even run of the mill name ideas are all welcome!

Moving - Part 2

One of my favorite things in life is travel.  I love exploring new places, to find myself a little nervous being somewhere completely foreign, to have my camera out as I capture the new sights around me.

Somehow I've never fully realized that despite this love of exploration, I'm really a huge homebody. And I'm strongly affected by where I live.  The past few years have been rough, but somehow it seems as though it's been even harder because my house isn't what I really want.  It's not awful - it's small and cramped, a little dark, and did I mention cramped? But I have nice neighbors (even though my nanny is better friends with them and has more in common with them than I do, they all love Finn and are always very friendly to me) and Finn definitely feels like this is home, even if I don't.

And that not feeling at home in my own home is part of what has made these past few years even harder than they should be. It's definitely been a drain on me emotionally, not ever feeling truly comfortable where I'm living, and it's been a surprise to me to realize how much it bothers me.  I was first resigned to the idea of living here with two kids, until I realized that there just isn't room.  And then I was resigned to the thought of hunting for another rental and making another move to a temporary home that just wasn't home.  I owe too much on my condo to buy a new home, and couldn't fathom a way to buy a new home until it sold.

Then I had the amazing luck of getting a lot more extra income than usual thanks to a lot of unexpected speaking engagements.  Then one of my coworkers told me about a loan program at a local bank for doctors. Both of these things suddenly made what seemed to be impossible actually possible.  I could buy a house after all.

I knew where I wanted to move - an area about 40 minutes from where I am now (but still just 30 minutes or so from work) with lower taxes, better schools and much lower home prices than where I am now (it's in a neighboring state, which explains how all this is possible).  I started to look at homes and couldn't find anything that matched what I was looking for, nothing in my price range anyway.  Until I expanded my search radius by just a mile, and found a new home community that was just starting to sell homes.  I went to their grand opening weekend, and found the exact floor plan I was looking for at a price that was actually less than my budget, so I could afford a few nice upgrades.  When does something like this ever happen?  It's certainly not the sort of thing that usually happens to me!  So I've been hesitant to post about it here, for fear that something would fall through.

It didn't go smoothly at first.  After signing the contract it took weeks and weeks to get everything finalized so they could start building.  And I started to worry that maybe it really was too good to be true.  But finally everything was finalized and they were able to start building.

New home site - a week after signing the contract

Now here it is, the middle of November, and I had my pre-drywall walk through this week.  My house has a foundation, walls, a roof, electrical wiring, plumbing and as of the past few days, insulation.  Drywall is next week, and they're projecting a closing date by the end of the year.

Same location - this past weekend

It's going to be stressful, as I'll likely move in a month before Chimi is born, and so will still have unpacked boxes galore and won't feel truly settled.  But I'll be able to have a big boy room for Finn, and a true nursery for Chimi, as well as a comfortable guest bedroom for my amazing friends who will be coming to help out.  And it just makes me happy deep in my soul to imagine bringing Chimi home to a place I truly feel is home, rather than to this house that I'm in now.

This would not have been possible if I'd chosen a more expensive home to rent, or if I hadn't lucked out with more talks than usual, or hadn't had a partner at work who was also looking to buy a home and had the time to do research into loans.  I'm feeling pretty damn lucky right now.  It's a nice way to feel - I hope it continues!

Remembering My Sense of Humor

Thank you for all the supportive comments and emails after my last post - as you could tell I was feeling so overwhelmed and so tired.  The overwhelmed feeling continues, but this weekend I got a huge amount of paperwork done and checked another huge stressor off my list, so it's getting better. And most importantly, I got a little more sleep.  Not enough, but it's better.

Before having a child, I had idyllic visions of what life with a child would be, and the type of parent I would be. It's humbling to realize that I'm just not capable of being that fabulous mom I dreamed of - not all the time.  And really, no one is - it's actually just a little ridiculous to expect myself to be able to live up to that idealized version of me.  All I can do is try.

To that end, I'm going to continue to work on getting good sleep. And the title of the book that Abby mentioned, Playful Parenting, got me thinking.  I usually have a good sense of humor in dealing with Finn when he's being a terror, but over the past few months I've lost that just about completely.  So I've been working on it.  (And Abby, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the book if you do get the chance to read it!)

My first attempt at restoring humor was unexpected.  Last week Finn woke up when I did, and when I started to get out of bed he got upset.  "Don't get up, Mommy!" While it's sweet he wanted me to stay in bed, I could tell from the sound of his voice that it was the beginning of a horrible morning, because of course I had to get up.  He was going to get really upset and the rest of the morning was just going to get worse.  And then I had a thought.  "I don't want to get up, but I have to poop.  If I don't go to the bathroom now, I'm going to poop in the bed."  It took a minute for that to sink in, and then he said with a sound of pure horror in his voice, "Get up, Mommy!  Go potty!  Don't poopy in the bed!"  And a few minutes later, he joined me in the bathroom, grinning from ear to ear, "Mommy didn't poopy in the bed!  Yay!"  And just like that, the tide turned and our morning was smooth and easy.

There are still a lot of meltdowns and tantrums and typical 2 year old behavior, but with sleep and humor (and a more realistic idea in my mind of what kind of mom I can be), it's a little easier. Now I need to bookmark this post and come back to it the next time I feel like I'm at my wit's end.

This weekend, in between my marathon paperwork sessions, I made some time for Finn and I to go out together with no time line or agenda.  On Saturday we spent 2 hours at a local plantation, which is pretty small but has pigs, chickens, sheep, goats, a cow and a horse.  Finn talked to the chickens, oinked at the pigs, looked at the other animals and ran and played.  I let him guide where we went and how long we stayed, even though that meant covering the same ground over and over again.  It was so nice to have that unrushed time with him, and we both really enjoyed it.

We had more tasks to get done on Sunday, but after his nap we went for a walk. I was hoping to get a few pictures by the tree I'd taken his Halloween pictures at last year, but he realized we were heading towards the playground, and that's all he could focus on.  So we spent some time at the playground, and then I managed to get a few pictures of him in the afternoon sun. I didn't get the pictures I was hoping for, but I did get a few cute shots, and again, we had a lovely afternoon.

No more pictures, Mommy! 

Happy Dance

I really need to make a few hours every weekend for some little activity like these.  Neither were terribly exciting, but just perfect for the two of us.

Several commenters also mentioned the recent mom and kid video that's been floating around Facebook, and someone sent it to me - it truly is wonderful.  If you haven't seen it, watch it now.  You'll be glad you did.


A New Perspective For Moms