These past few weeks have not been one of those times.
First Finn was sick with a fever that lasted 6 days with no other symptoms other than just feeling bad from the fever. On day 5 of the fever I took him to the doctor, and it was just a virus. We then had a fever-free week before Zachary got a fever that turned out to be strep throat. In the midst of all that we had 3 rainy weekends in a row.
I've been tired. The boys have been sick or tired or stir-crazy or all of the above. So there's been lots of crying and fussing and short fuses all around. It's not been fun.
Here's the thing. My kids bring more joy to my life than anything else ever has. But I'm not sure that I'm doing a good job of letting my kids know how much joy I find in them. While we've had some really great moments this past month, they seem to be outweighed by times when I've been short-tempered and cross with them.
I realize I'm not perfect. I can't always respond to irrational meltdowns (or even rational meltdowns for that manner) with calm acceptance and understanding. But I am the adult in the relationship, and I need to work on acting that way a little more often. Especially now that I'm starting to see a reflection of my own behavior in Finn when he gets especially frustrated or annoyed by something.
I know it starts with self care. When I'm rested, I can do better. When I get regular exercise, I can do better. When I'm hard on myself, I do worse. I get caught in that negative shit storm of bad feelings about myself and that spills over into how I interact with my kids. I tell my patients who are trying to do better to start with goals they can easily attain. So I'm going to follow my own advice and make some goals I know I can do:
Hug each child as many times a day as they'll let me.
Sleep at least 7 hours every night.
Walk at least 30 minutes every day.
Spend 20 minutes of bedtime cuddles alone with each child every night.
Listen more.
Listen longer.
Choose love.
I know I'm not alone. What are your parenting struggles right now? Feel free to post here or on your own blog if you want to share.
Posts
Thank you. I could have written this myself. We have had several rough weeks lately, and I sometimes am left feeling like a crappy mom. In reality, I'm just a normal mom.We are doing the best we can in that moment.
ReplyDeleteI, too, couldve written much of this. But sometimes I start telling J how much I love him, and he sighs and rolls his eyes and says "I know." And those moments make me really happy, because to him my love is so obvious it's not worth mentioning. From what you write about Finn and and about your relationship, I think he knows too.
ReplyDeleteI just posted about my horrible Threenager! I've found that during this rough patch, I need to be a tough (so he doesn't walk all over me) Mom who loves her boy voraciously. It's a bit of a balancing act.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh. THIS. I have been working on this exact thing because I also realized that I was being too harsh most of the time. Short tempered when my children need me to show them love/acceptance. I've realized that I'm like that because I almost never take time to take care of myself and I was running myself ragged. It broke my heart when I looked at myself from my kids' perspective. They obviously don't understand the complexities and stresses of being an adult/parent, and they just see me being angry for no apparent reason. So I'm also vowing to take care of myself and working on my attitude! Love this post...thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I was pretty good about realizing I was the adult and acting that way when Beanie was younger. Now that she is at an age where I KNOW she understands but chooses to ignore, I find it hard too and feel I am more snappy at her which I hate! I too am tired , I don't get enough sleep and no exercise which makes me feel like crap. I am also seeing some of my reactions being reflected in her which worries me. I do give her lots of hugs and kisses daily and snuggles but I need to do better with my communication skills. This is an awesome post!!
ReplyDeleteI completely understand.. Single Mom with 2 kids too. The best thing for me was getting the Peloton bike- google it. It's spinning class at home with an attached TV.. At least, I can exercise anytime. And, this allows me to spend more time with the kids too.. Email me if you want to chat more.
ReplyDeleteI have come to change my mind recently about the use of physical punishment. Even the best animal parents use it. I think sometimes the child just has to have a small sense of fear over who is stronger, parent or child. I will admit that I have been restrained but physical with Sage - and I feel it has helped set the rules of what is acceptable in place. I sound terrible don't I? But have to say it has helped.
ReplyDeleteI totally get it!! I have had my moments with Elsie. Still have those moments. Had one yesterday in fact. But the thing that amazes me over and over again, is when I ask her about it, she'll say I got grumpy but she will also immediately jump to what she thinks I did right. So I try to remember to apologize to her and do better the next time. I figure it is good modeling for her when she loses it.
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