I reminded myself that he probably hasn't been getting much as it is; I'm back to wearing my pre-pregnancy bras, Thursday night AF decided to come back for a visit after a very welcome 2 year absence, and (most telling) after two nights of not breast feeding, I'm feeling not even the slightest hint of discomfort.
And so I gave him his bottle and then held him close to me for a few minutes after he'd finished, and sobbed the entire time. Zachary didn't seem to notice, and certainly didn't ask to nurse. Though he did pat my back when I held him to me before putting him in his crib, which made me cry even more.
I'm not sad because I loved nursing so much - instead it's just the fact that this is the end of a chapter in our lives. And endings always make me sad. Especially an ending like this. Because if I were married, I wouldn't be ending this chapter just yet. I've always wanted a big family and always imagined having 3 or 4 kids, if not more. As a single mom, I'm not sure I even really truly want 3 kids, but I keep thinking of my embryo in storage. I look at Zachary and think about that embryo and wonder if it's possible that embryo could be a kid that's as spectacular as he is, and then feel the ache of not knowing this child, too.
I know that two kids is all I can realistically handle on my own. I can't imagine how on earth I'd handle the demands of 3 young children and my job. I'm not sure where I'd put a third child in my house. And looking forward, I have plans to travel with the boys when they're older. And that would be just about impossible, both logistically and financially.
And so this day, the end of breastfeeding my younger child, is also when I am facing the reality that our family is complete, and that there will be no more pregnancies, no more snuggly newborns and no more lazy nursing sessions with a fuzzy headed little body.
It's also the day I get my body back.
And it's also the day I wrote a check to my clinic for another year's storage for my remaining little embryo.
Apparently I can't quite let go. Not just yet.
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Be strong! I went through the same grieving process with my second child's milestones, knowing that there would be no third. But that there could be a third. But no! No! No third. It helps to look at families with three or more and see how stressed-out they seem to be - and, on my most stressed-out days, to tell myself how much harder it would be if I had more on my plate. Hugs. (And keep writing those checks till you're sure.)
ReplyDeleteAww. As a single mom, I am feeling one is all I can handle, so I am in awe of you managing so wonderfully with two. It would be utterly wonderful to have a larger family: each child created is such a wonder. But I guess you can comfort yourself with the idea (I do) that children who are meant to come into being, do. Two is a very good number.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling. The baby stage is so exhausting, but there's something so exciting about it. The idea of being done completely is very sad.
ReplyDeleteC stopped nursing abruptly a year ago (15 months) through a nursing strike. I was not ready!
Sending you a hug. I've already had some thoughts about this very same thing, and a year from now I know I will be where you are.
ReplyDeleteYou really never know what will happen in your life, it's great you extended your embryo storage. Your boys love you so much. I love Zachary patting your back :)
ReplyDeleteOh boy do I hear you!
ReplyDeleteI found that my baby lust returned when I weaned.
And now it's mostly gone and shifted to the idea of embryo donation.
I wonder if you'll feel differently when your hormones shift as well?
These sorts of moments are so hard. Thinking of you.
Endings are hard for me too. You eloquently described the meaning for you and why it's sad. Leaving a crack in the door open sounds like the right thing for you right now. Sending care.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling - I keep thinking how crazy one, or two children as a single mother sounded, and yet we're doing fine; why not add another one into the mix??? But I know that there is indeed a breaking point for any family, the point at which it just becomes unmanageable, and for me I know this is two. It is sad to know there will be no more babies. I'm just holding out hope these kids give me grandkids while I'm young enough to enjoy them!
ReplyDeleteClosing a door is hard. No matter how many times we do it, I think.
ReplyDeleteAfter giving birth to #2, I thought, wait, I can't be all done???
But after newborn boot camp, I'm remembering about limited resources.
It's all bittersweet. I'm already worrying, or at least, I was before Amelie was born, about Calliope going off to college and what will I do with an empty next. No easy answers.
We can't let go either, and we're done having babies. I just can't make that decision, and we hang onto them in case we change our minds. So we pay the fee every year, and right on time!
ReplyDeleteEndings make me sad too. Stopping nursing for both boys was hard... Very emotional for me.
Hugs!
I have a tough time with endings, too. It's a change, and change is hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm STILL thinking about T42. I go back and forth, back and forth... I think I could be an eternal thinker. As of right this minute, I'm almost definitely planning to try in September (or possibly August, depending on the timing). But ask me tomorrow, and who knows what I'll say! I just wish I knew what my breaking point was... one? two? Definitely not more than two! But I just hope two doesn't/wouldn't break me! So yeah... ugh!
I'm sorry you had such a rough time with the end of nursing, and I'm glad you paid the storage fee, even if it's just putting off the inevitable. Hang in there.