Then this week I also covered the hospital, meaning I was done seeing patients at 3, then I had to pump and then head over to see patients. It was a frustrating week. Not one day went by this week that some incident at the hospital didn't have me angry at someone, and I got home late every single night, which means I feel like I've hardly seen Finn at all this week.
Tonight I was looking forward to coming home, putting Finn to bed and watching "Bridesmaids" while eating Peeps and drinking Diet Coke. I've been looking forward to it all day. But I was so wound up when I got home, I decided I needed to go for a walk, so I put Finn in the carrier and we went out for a brisk 45 minute walk. And of course he fell asleep. So when I put him down at 7:40, shortly after we got home, he was wide awake. I tried to cuddle with him, then I tried to rock him in the glider, and then got back in the bed and tried to let him fall asleep next to me while I surfed the internet. None of it worked, he was fussing and I was irritated and I just wanted to go watch a movie already.
And then it hit me. My boy was wide awake, and I was making us both miserable by trying to force him to sleep when he clearly didn't want to. So I picked him up, brought him downstairs, and played with him on the floor. He banged blocks, he giggled endlessly as I made faces at him and tickled him and squealed as I played airplane with him. I've been missing this time with him, and yet somehow I'd managed to almost miss a full hour of play with him because I had it in my head that I was going to watch a movie while he slept. And I was actually mad at him for not cooperating with my plan.
I've dreamed of being a mom almost as long as I can remember. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not profoundly thankful for the chance to be a mom to Finn. And still, the annoying stressors of daily life get in the way and can make me crazy enough to forget all those things. I really hope that today sticks with me, and that I don't let that happen again.
He's now asleep, and while I was waiting for him to drift off, I read this post on Michaela's blog, and then read Megan's post that she linked to in her writing. Both posts reminded me of where I've been, and how lucky I am to be where I am now. I know I don't believe that things "happen for a reason" but somehow I can't help but think that sometimes God manages to send us messages right when we need to hear them.
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I think there's a huge difference between finding your kids to be an inconvenience in general and finding them to be an inconvenience for a moment - don't feel bad for wishing that he'd fall asleep when he wanted to stay awake and play. It happens to all of us, and when we're stressed or tired, we tend to let it get to us in ways we wish it didn't. When I was battling severe sleep deprivation with my little one, I often got angry with her for not falling asleep, even though I knew perfectly well it wasn't her fault. I didn't really act on my anger (although I may have yelled a time or two out of sheer frustration/exhaustion), but I think it was a normal reaction given what I was going through at the time. Sure it made me feel guilty afterwards, but I didn't blame myself too much for just being human.
ReplyDeleteThe important thing is that you realized that you had a unique opportunity and you took advantage of it. You're a great mom! :)
You really do have a very tough job - which clearly requires many hours of your time - And I know you have had all sorts of other things going on at the same time. Hopefully next week will be easier!
ReplyDeleteShannon, don't beat yourself up about this. You have needs, too. And much as you love Finn, sometimes you need a bit of downtime, too. That said, I think of the kinds of moments that you describe as some of the most challenging from LG's first 2 years...when I needed evenings to work and do my own thing and when she wouldn't sleep (but it certainly wasn't appropriate to be playing with her at those times either, as she needed to know it was bedtime!).
ReplyDeleteAwe, girl, you have a crazy, hectic schedule and look forward to chill time. That doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the amazing blessing of being a mother. I’m in awe of your schedule and the way you are able to handle being a single mother. You absolutely rock. I did smile when I read that you decided to play with him instead of watch the movie... I can see myself doing that one day if the motherhood dreams come true. :) Keep rockin’ the mommy life, girl. You are amazing!
ReplyDeleteI, too, saw Michaela & Megan's posts last night & was moved to tears. I needed that reminder to do better. The other day I wanted to get my kitchen cleaned up but Elena was pulling at my legs & wanted to be picked up. Just as the thought, "Can you please give me 5 minutes!!" went thru my mind, it was quickly followed by the realization that all my little girl wanted was some cuddle time & I was more concerned with the state of my kitchen. I stopped right there, sat on the floor crying, cuddling Elena...she thought I was nuts, I'm sure but had me laughing quickly enough. We left the kitchen for later...don't be hard on yourself. I agree with you that we get messages when we need them most.
ReplyDeleteOh, God absolutely sends us message that we need to hear, when we need to hear them. Sometimes He has to drop something like a bowling ball or anvil on our head (I don't recommend that - it's never pretty), but I have no doubt whatsoever that He does that. I, however, also believe things happen for a reason. Now, don't ever ask me what those reasons might be because I don't know why crappy things happen, but the Presbyterian in me believes things happen as they are meant to happen. I just had to stop asking questions long ago when I could not figure out the "why" of things.
ReplyDeleteBack to my initial point which was yes, God gives you what you need, when you need it. Whatever "it" might be. Heck, He speaks to me through a Van Halen song and has through an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati, so you never know what will turn up to move you.
The reality of being a single parent and working 40+ hours per week is that we can't come close to "doing it all." Which sucks. Who or what gets shortchanged? For me it varies but my work suffers (just got an extremely tepid annual review for the 2nd year in a row, and I'm someone who always got excellent reviews in the past). My house is often a disaster, I don't get nearly enough exercise, and we eat takeout pizza too often. And, yes, sometimes my girls get shortchanged - I try to make it infrequent, and hope that all our special times together mean they will overlook the times I'm not the greatest mom. It's hard. It's really, truly, very hard.
ReplyDeleteI love that you got the reminder and noticed. The computer thing drives me nuts. I work in computers and don't think this needs to happen; vendors don't design software to make it harder. It shouldn't end up like this.
ReplyDeleteIt's an amazing post. Thank you for linking it! I am working on my discussion reply! It really makes you think!
ReplyDeleteMiss you!
You are a wonderful mother. When Finn is old enough to realize the lengths you went through just to be able to hold him, to love him, he won't be able to doubt your love for him. We all get caught up in ourselves from time to time. I'm glad that you remembered what's important to you and took advantage of the moment. :)
ReplyDeletelovely. thank you for this post!
ReplyDeleteOh, I've spent whole days trying to get J to sleep, only to realize I've wasted the day away. Parenting is such a hard time, a 24/7 job, and it is so hard to be 100% there, all the time. I'm definitely guilty of trying to make J work around my wants/needs more than I should (like right now, it's really too late in the day for a nap, but he fell asleep, and I needed to catch up on my blog comments, so...).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, don't beat yourself up! and I hope things calm down soon at work, too. So frustrating.
Your post gave me goosebumps on my arms….because I've been struggling so much this week with mommyhood vs. professional work and its crazily hard to juggle both, do both well, and not get incredibly frustrated at times. Thanks for the reminder to enjoy the simple moments sometimes and not worry about the rest!
ReplyDeleteReading your post made me realize what is about to come for me starting in the new year. I officially go back to work January 9th but Scarlett starts daycare the week before. After an entire year together, I'm not sure how I will handle only seeing her for a couple of hours each day. And yet, like you, I also need time each night to do things for me (and yes, relaxing is important too). I'm so glad you took the opportunity to get Finn out of bed and let him play. I have done that with Scarlett several times as well and they have actually been some of my best times.
ReplyDeleteOh lord, that sign at the end of your post made me get all choked up. I know I do this too, and I feel terrible about it each and every time. My girl is so easy going that it's easy to do... tonight I was actually GLAD when she cried when I tried to put her down in the swing and then the floor, because it meant that I couldn't squeeze 10 more minutes of exercise in... that i HAD to spend the time with her. And I'm lucky that my job isn't impinging on my time with her... it's everything else. Not to mention my extreme fatigue.
ReplyDeleteSorry this is such a rambly comment! Anyway, I hear you girl, hang in there, remember that you don't have to be perfect to be a good mother!
I love this post.
ReplyDelete