Chasing Rainbows

Saturday, February 7, 2015

One Year

My dearest Zachary,

I can't believe you're a year old today. We had a rare quiet moment together this morning in your room, as I rocked you while you nursed at the exact time you were born one year ago today. It was the perfect way to start your big day.

This year has been a whirlwind blur of change and activity, and I've never been so tired in my entire life, but it's been worth every hour of lack of sleep. You have brought such joy to our family in such a short period of time. I love the way you are so free with your affection, climbing into my lap for a snuggle or holding on tight when I give you a hug. One second your face is serious and solemn, and the next an enormous grin is stretching across it, or your entire face is scrunched into that sweet and silly smile of yours. And your giggles - oh, it makes me heart sing to hear you giggle.

You love playing in water (and that leads to endless races to see who can get to the toilet first), eating, laughing at Zaphira and making lots of noise. Your whole face lights up when your big brother walks into the room, and even when he's beating up on you, it's clear you adore him.

You are also fearless. Your Aunt Uche says you need a shirt that says, "I crawl towards danger" and it's true. I've already found you climbing on things, trying to figure out how you can get just a little bit higher, reach a little further. I have a feeling you're going to give me more than a scare or two over the next few years.

You hate having your diaper changed. When I tell you that you can't do something you want, your temper comes out. Boy does it come out. Screams, arching back - everyone knows when you're mad. It never lasts long, though. It never ceases to amaze me how you can go from crying and screaming to grinning and laughing in the blink of an eye.

It is so fun to watch your personality develop. It's already clear you are so different from your brother, but I think the two of you are going to make a great team. I'm so lucky to be your mommy and I'm looking forward to the adventures this next year is going to bring.

Happy First Birthday, Zachary!

Monday, February 2, 2015

#MicroblogMondays: Anger Management

Want to know what #MicroblogMonday is? Click here.

This age - this past year - has been such a mixture of pure fun and joy and absolute frustration and anger. It's amazing how Finn can be a sweet kid who just wants to snuggle one second, and then get angry at me and throw something at my face the next.

It's been a struggle. I don't want to yell. I don't want to lecture. I really don't want to hit. But so often I don't know what to do. The peaceful parenting resources I've found (some of which I've talked about here) have been so helpful, but there are still times I flounder.

Over the past week or so, I've realized I see myself in Finn's behavior. Or more accurately, I see my actions reflected back at me. The way he reacts when he's angry or frustrated, the things that push my buttons - they're me. He's doing what I taught him to do.

I need to teach him a better way by modeling a better way.

Me, learning to control my temper. This is going to be tough.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Some Sleep Progress

Friday night I moved Zachary to his own room, and his own crib to sleep. It was a rough transition, and the first few nights he woke up a lot. I'd go in, pick him up and he'd cling to me and cry. Then I'd put him back down in his crib and rub his back until he settled down. Over and over again. Each time I held him just a little bit less, and eventually I didn't pick him up at all, just helped him lie back down. Monday night I only had to go into his room three times, and then last night I didn't have to go in at all. He woke up several times, but put himself back to sleep every time. And I got the best night's sleep I've had at home since well before he was born. It took almost 2 weeks, and I'm still exhausted, but I'm so happy that we finally had one night that worked. I hope it's just the first of many!

I have more to write, but I'm trying to catch up a little on my sleep, so I'm going to share my pictures for the week and head to bed.

1/21/15: the trash is never safe from this one

1/22/15: he ate more than he dropped on the floor

1/23/15: always busy - this was the best shot I could get of him as he played this morning

1/24/15: he climbed up here by himself (I'm in so much trouble)

1/25/15: boys at play in the backyard

1/26/15: his preferred method for eating black beans

1/27/15: I just love this

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

That Didn't Last Long!

This weekend was so great. The conference itself was boring, but the food was good, I saw old friends, and slept. My sleep wasn't perfect, both nights it took me a bit to fall asleep, and I woke up early, but it was uninterrupted and I was by myself. Just heavenly.

Surprisingly, I didn't really miss the boys the first day. I think that's a sign of just how much I needed to get away. But I was so happy to get home to see them both on Sunday evening. Best of all, Zachary has learned how to give the best hugs. He wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes so tight - it's so sweet. I arrived home refreshed and energetic and excited about the chance to start a week feeling good and centered and ready to keep my cool no matter what.

To make things even better, Nanny M started the process of sleep training for me while I was away. She kept Zachary in the pack and play in my room and gave him only water after bedtime. It was a rough night on Friday night, but she said Saturday was easier. With that work done, I committed to not letting him nurse after bedtime anymore.

Sunday night, I rocked him in the glider while he nursed, and had planned on rocking him to sleep, but he wouldn't stop wiggling. So, on a whim I put him down in his pack and play - and was shocked when he rolled over and went to sleep without a peep!

He woke several times in the night, and was easily shushed back to sleep the first few times, but then woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. I picked him up (and he clung to me like I'd been gone for a month), and snuggled with him for a few minutes, before putting him down in my bed. I soothed him to sleep, and then went back to sleep myself. Not bad.

And then a tooth started to come through. And he got a cold. So Monday night was worse, and last night was awful (he was wide awake for two straight hours, in between episodes of fussing) despite liberal use of tylenol and ibuprofen. He also decided to start walking this week (!!!), which I'm sure contributed to the poor sleep.

He's sound asleep in his pack and play now, so I'm hoping for a better night tonight. At some point it all has to come together, right? I'm just as exhausted now as I was just on Friday. But there's the hope for better sleep in my future. (please, let there be better sleep soon!)

1/14/15: he really likes noses

1/15/15: and he's interested in everything

1/16/15: how do I get down?

1/17/15: Skyping from my hotel room

1/18/15: he loves black beans as much as his brother

1/19/15: he loves the water!

1/20/15: he can't figure out how to make it move, but he loves sitting on this riding toy like a big boy

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Weekend Escape

I am going out of town this weekend for work. By myself.

I have only left Finn a few times overnight, and I've yet to leave Zachary, so I'm a little nervous about how it will go. But I'm also so desperate for a solid night's sleep that I didn't think twice when Nanny M offered to stay home with the kids.

I know I'll be a little sad without them for two days, but really, all I can think about is two nights in a bed all by myself. Heaven.

And that brings me back to the whole nursing thing. I've decided I'm going to bring my manual pump with me, but I'm just going to pump enough to provide some relief, if I need it. And then when I get back, I'm going to try to cut down on the nighttime nursing. He doesn't need it, and it's the one thing that is really not working with our cosleeping. The chronic sleep deprivation is really starting to get to me, and makes it hard for me to be the kind of mom I want to be because my patience is worn way too thin. I'm not sure how well this plan will work, but it's a good place to start.

This week in pictures - we managed to brave the cold weather and get outside this weekend, but still half the pictures are in the bathroom. Maybe next week I'll manage to break the trend.

1/7/15: if there's no box to climb in, he'll go for the baby tub

1/8/15: waiting for big brother to finish getting ready for bed

1/9/15: eating chicken casserole like a big boy

1/10/15: wearing a hat made by one of my patients

1/11/15: checking out the ice in the backyard

1/12/15: cute in stripes

1/13/15: playing "light sabers" with Finn

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Leaving Infancy Behind

As I was driving to work today (sitting in traffic and trying to make the best of it by singing along to Dave Matthews for the first time in a really long time), it occurred to me that I am finally past my least favorite time of childhood. Infancy is just about over, and it's such a relief. Zachary is really getting to be so fun as he interacts more and more with the world around him. My body still isn't my own, as breast feeding is still going strong, and I've noticed my skin and hair are both starting to get that dull look I had after nursing Finn for almost a year. I'm tired of my huge boobs and having to worry about drinking wine or caffeine or taking the wrong medication when I'm sick. And Zachary isn't a comfortable nurser - he doesn't bite or nibble, but he fidgets constantly. Pulls at my hair, my shirt, my necklace, my mouth, the sheets, the pillow, whatever he can get his hands on. So when he nurses in the night, I can't go back to sleep until he's done.

But I'm still not ready to give it up until he is. I remember how depressed I felt those first weeks after Finn was weaned, and I'm really not ready for that. While I'm happy to be leaving the infancy phase, I will miss parts of it. It makes me just a little sad that I won't likely be coming back to this stage again as I'm not likely to have more kids. So physically I'm ready, but emotionally I'm not there yet. It is easier than it was. I stopped pumping after Christmas vacation, so I don't have to deal with that hassle now. Luckily, I have at least a couple of months of frozen milk on hand, so I'll be able to avoid needing to buy formula. So now we're just nursing at night. I wonder how long I'll last.

12/30/14: he did this to his shirt himself

12/31/14: probably a little too big for the swing but he loves it

1/1/15: his favorite bathroom toy

1/2/15: I love his face when taking some meds for his teething pain

1/3/15: playing with Finn - while sitting in a box

1/4/15: being cute

1/5/15: standing on his own!

1/6/15: I figured out how to turn on the water!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2014!

2014 has been a strange and sad and wonderful year for me. I moved into my new house - a house that is still an unorganized mess but I love it, and we're finally starting to feel like it's home. I had a new baby - and I still can't quite believe I'm the mom to two boys. I've lost a friend - a friend who has been a part of my life for over 15 years, until a few months ago when she decided she didn't want to be a part of it anymore. A friend who brought a lot of joy, but over the past few years has also brought a lot of stress. And while I miss her, I also feel a little guilty that my life is actually a little bit better, a little bit easier, without her in it. My nanny had a huge health scare (we thought she had a brain tumor - turns out it was just a weird shadow on a CT scan) and then got married. One of my work partners did have a brain tumor (benign) and had major surgery at the beginning of the year. And then another of my work partners developed lymphoma and has been out of work since June, and will probably be out another 6 months, at least. My coworkers have become family, while at the same time my work itself has become more and more frustrating and less and less fulfilling.

It's been a year of transition, of learning what my life is now, and what's most important to me.

Life as a mother of two is not at all what I expected. It's so much harder than I thought. It has forced me to grow and mature and change in ways I never imagined. And it is so much better - better than I ever dreamed it could be.

But it still needs some work. My life needs some work. There's a lot that I want to do that I can't manage right now, but there are two things that are realistic goals for 2015.

The first is getting organized. I moved into this house when I was 36 weeks pregnant and a lot of things were just shoved in the closet with the most room, and it's a mess. My goal for the next month or so is to systematically go through each closet in every room and clean house. It'll take a lot of time, but it will be worth it.

My second is to take more time for myself. My new schedule starts next week (but of course I'm on hospital call next week, so technically my new schedule doesn't start until the following week), and I'll be finishing about an hour earlier every day than I am now. I'm going to make it a point to do something for myself every week - some time at the gym, a manicure, a massage - it'll only be an extra hour, but I can make that extra hour count, and still have more time with the boys.

And maybe I can actually keep up with my 365 project for the last 5 weeks until it's officially done.